Mrs. M

"Then why did you even start?"

"I didn't mean to, at first. It wasn't planned. I guess I started thinking about it when you told me he was probably masturbating while thinking about me."

"Don't turn this around like it was my fault."

"I don't mean to imply it was your fault. I'm only trying to explain when the first thoughts started entering my mind. It was kind of exciting and arousing to think about it. I would think about it and find myself masturbating; something I've never done before. I can't, even now, explain it.

"But the night it began was the night you mentioned, when you heard the front door close. It was Troy's birthday, and he talked me into dancing with him. When he pulled me close to him and I felt his hard body against mine, I was almost overcome right then and there. Then later, after everyone left, he came back, and he talked me into a birthday kiss. And from then on I couldn't help myself. When you came home that night we were both naked on the couch. He hadn't fucked me yet, but he was about to; and I wanted him to. He made me feel like I did when you first met me, when I was eighteen. I wanted that feeling to continue.

"I told him it was a one-time thing and would never happen again. But when he showed up again the next day, I just couldn't help myself; I gave in. I told him again it was a one-time thing. He said it wasn't; that he would be back the next day. And when he showed up the next day, I gave in again. And suddenly I went from dreading he would show up to dreading he wouldn't.

"And I was so ashamed of myself and hated myself so much, I couldn't face you. And then you started not coming home; and when you did come home, you were drunk. So that allowed me to justify my own actions: you didn't want me, so I was justified in wanting Troy."

"There you go again. You can't blame me for your infidelity."

"I'm not blaming you in any way. I'm only admitting that I used that to justify my actions to myself. I know it's wrong.

"Then he finally left for the Academy and I didn't hear from him for months. I thought we were done, and I gradually was beginning to accept that and gave myself to returning myself to the way we used to be. And I really didn't feel bad about it; I was starting to be happy about it.

"Then, a few days before Christmas, he showed up at the door. I slammed the door in his face and told him we were done and not to come back.

"But he did come back: the next day, and I welcomed him; I took him upstairs to our bed. I couldn't help it. When he's around I want him so bad I can't stand it."

"Then, I gradually started to think maybe I deserved to have both of you. Why couldn't I have a happy marriage with you: the house, the kids, the car, the pool, our social life, your love; and at the same time, the wonderful sex with a young hardbody that made me feel like I was eighteen again? And so here we are now."

"You are not helping your case at all here. What am I supposed to say to all this? Am I supposed to accept you've got the hots for some young kid; am I supposed to be okay with all this? I can't do that. What do you want now? Do you want a divorce so you can be with him?"

"No! No, I don't want a divorce. Absolutely not! I don't want to be like this. I don't want to continue with this. I want you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm asking for help. I'm asking you for help. I'll see a therapist. Maybe a therapist can tell me what's wrong with me and I can change my outlook."

Mr. M sat quiet for a moment, just staring at her. Finally he spoke: "You know, I read a while back that 60 percent of married men they interviewed admitted to having an affair and 40 percent of the married women admitted to the same thing. Now I am in the smaller percentage of my sex: I have never had an affair. I wish you were not in the smaller percentage of your sex. Be that as it may, if you think about it, those are huge numbers. What if the therapist tells you what you are going through is more or less normal. What if he or she tells you that research tells us that there are certain sex pheromones that influence our reactions to others and what you feel is common and natural and there's nothing that can be done about it? What do you do then?"

"The kids are gone or about to be gone now, so we don't need this big house. Maybe we could move so I'd be away from him and I wouldn't be tempted. Could we do that?"

"I like this house and the pool, and I don't want to move; not for that reason, anyway. Besides, that doesn't really solve anything. What happens if or when you get hot pants for some other new young guy? Am I supposed to just accept that and we move on again?"

"So then, what are we to do? Thank you, by the way, for being so calm and collected about all this. Thank you for not yelling and screaming as I would have expected."

"I am not cool and collected. Far from it. It's just that you've ripped my insides out. I am numb. I have no feelings left. This has become just a mental exercise to me now. Except for the anger. I've still got plenty of that. I really want to hurt you in retaliation. Maybe I'll get me a young lady I can make love to right here in the house. How would you like that? I bring some young lady here and take her upstairs to our bed while you're here? But then, would you even care? As to where we go from here, I really don't know. I do—and don't— want a divorce. The only people who can afford a divorce are the very rich or the very poor. We people in the middle lose heavily: we lose mentally, emotionally, financially. Even the aggrieved party gets crushed; and make no mistake about it, I am the aggrieved party here."

"I know you are. And I really am sorry. And I hate myself more than you do. But I don't love him; I love you. It was just sex, after all. And I do care if you had another woman. But seeing what happened to me, I would forgive you. I would accept it and try to forget it and continue to love you and be your wife. Can't you do the same for me, please!"

"Right now I don't think so. It is never 'just sex.' There is always an emotional element to it. Even using a prostitute involves some sort of emotional element that drives the person to that circumstance. I don't see how we could have sex again. Even thinking about it brings up images of you in his arms, making love to him—and make no mistake about it—it was more than just sex—you made love to him—makes my stomach wrench and makes me want to throw up again.

"I need time to myself to think. I've rented a month-to-month apartment I'll be moving into. Maybe in a month or two I'll be able to look at this thing more objectively and decide what's best for me. Right now I'm not interested in what's best for you, or even us. I'm only interested in me right now."

Susan was still wrapped around his knees and was sobbing uncontrollably. "No! Please, Alan, please don't go. I'll do anything you want. Take my car away, take my clothes away, take my credit cards, take my phone, chain me up inside the house; just don't leave me. I can't live without you."

"We can't do any of those things. And besides, it's way too late. I'm leaving for a while. Please don't try to contact me. I'll contact you when I'm ready."

He pried her loose from his legs and got up and walked out the door, leaving her lying on the floor sobbing.

***

So we are now up to date on the saga of Mrs. M. There are many directions her life can take from now on. Alan could divorce her. Since she hasn't worked outside the home for twenty years, her chances of high-paying employment is slim. Her half of the proceeds from the sale of the house would keep her for a while, but not forever.

She could end up with Troy, but their age and circumstances differences make that doubtful.

She could meet and fall in love with some other man with whom she is more compatible and live happily ever after.

Or Alan could decide to move back in and accept her infidelity and open up their marriage, so that they can both see whomever they want whenever the mood strikes.

Or Alan could decide to forgive her and move back in and they live an infidelity free monogamous and semi-happily-ever- after life.

But we can't know any of those things now, because that's all in the future and we can't see into the future. We probably know what scenario we would like to see, too, but we can't live other people's lives for them. So we'll have to just wait and see.

And just as there was nothing to write about before her affair began, if they live the rest of their lives in an infidelity-free and monogamous relationship, there would be nothing exciting to write about then either. So it's time to move on to something more exciting.

See ya!