My Journal - Another Update

I was completely taken by surprise when our professor emailed me about my quiz. I don't know if he has contacted other students in our class or even if he is being completely sincere but I was actually relieved when he told me that he understood why it had taken me so long to start completing assignments and even apologized to me for not helping me earlier. I didn't feel like he needed to apologize but it still helped me feel better about not getting my work done earlier.

He told me that after reviewing my quiz he realized that I do better when I have instructions and I perform better with structure. That's why I do better in a classroom than I do with online courses. Its because it is a very structured environment with rules and immediate feedback. I was so happy to learn that because I have been feeling like such a failure. I've never been as bad at anything as I've been taking online courses. I've always excelled in most things. I was even one of the top players in girls soft ball and volley ball. In my dance classes I always received high marks, Those were all things where I would receive immediate feedback and I always felt good knowing I performed well.

I'm feeling pretty happy now that my professor is saying that he is going to be providing more structure for me. In addition to my dancing he wants me to spend more time watching relaxation videos. He also wants me to start following rules that he has for me to follow. He says that they will help me retain my focus and do better with the class. They won't always make sense but they will help me in the long run.

I have to admit that some of his rules don't make sense but at the same time I feel anxious to follow them. I mean, not wearing clothes when I am at home in my apartment doesn't really make sense, but at the same time, I am already spending time dancing naked in front of a webcam so do I really need to wear clothes at all. I guess that's kind of sensible in a way. He also said that rule doesn't apply on in dates. If he sends a date to my apartment I am to dress nice for them. That makes sense! Who goes on a date naked anyway?

Some of the other rules are a little more confusing. Its one thing to not be allowed to wear clothes when I am at home, but I'm also not allowed to use furniture when I am at home unless I have guests or a date over. In a way I can see how it might help. I guess if I'm not allowed to sit on my couch or sleep in my bed it will keep me thinking about my class a little bit more, since I won't be as comfortable and tempted to slack.

The next rule kind of took me by surprise. My professor told me that it won't make sense to me right away, but it will over time. I am going to have to trust him on that, so, I'm to remain on my hands and knees while at home unless doing chores that require me to stand, or have someone over. Otherwise I'm not to stand or walk upright while at home.

I'm not sure why my professor wants for me to stay on my hands and knees crawling around in my apartment. It does have a strange effect on my psychologically. When I am naked on my hands and knees I feel this strange sense of embarrassment mixed with a feeling of letting something go. Like some kind of pressure inside of me is being released. I've only been doing this for a short time but already I have to admit that I feel a funny kind of bliss coming over me. I don't know if that will last. I mean the feeling of shame seems to fade but I kind of want the bliss to last.

Its kind of strange to think about it. I felt the sense of shame also when I first started dancing in front of the webcam. I remember being really nervous about people seeing me naked who I didn't even know. Now I am actually anxious to dance for strangers. That feeling of shame and embarrassment that I felt when I first started dancing naked in front of the webcam is a lot like what I feel now that I am staying naked and on all fours in my apartment.

The bliss I'm feeling from being naked on all fours is very similar to what I am feeling when I am dancing, but at the same time its a little different. When I am dancing part of me feels sexy and beautiful. The comments people make about wanting to fuck me and treat me like a whore make me feel attractive and wanted. I guess a part of me needs that. When I am on all fours I feel something different. Its something more than just a sense that some kind of pressure is being released. I feel this overwhelming sense that I want to be loved, like I want to love, like I want to belong to someone. I know, that's really weird. I am embarrassed when I think about it. I don't know what people will think when they read that about me. I don't even know what feeling like this even means but I can't help this growing feeling inside of me. This feeling like I want to become someone's pet.