Myfanwy

At the end I put the phone down and said that I was preparing to file but I am going to Auckland in the next couple of days to see my parents.

"In that time you should think very hard about what you want and your future. I will do the same. When I come back we should sit down and decide what we want to do. You have a baby to think about. If we were to stay together it will not be without conditions from me as I feel I am the wronged party. I might sound clinical at the moment but you have to understand this is the worst day of my life, bar none."

"Now, I think it is perhaps time for Jase to go. How much do you pay him? I will do the honours. I won't do anything stupid and I think he might understand that he should not try anything."

I got up and went outside to pay off Jase telling him that we would call him if we needed him anymore. I figured he would try some way of contacting Myfanwy. His baby is on the way and she must seem like a rich source of funds to him.

I drove Myfanwy to work that night and picked her up in the morning. We had very little to say and I was doing it to protect her really. For the following morning I got someone to come in and babysit her as she slept after coming in from her nightshift. Two reasons; one, I worried about her mental health and two, the chance Jase might come back.

She never asked me how I knew about the baby. Maybe she just assumed Shayde had told me.

I arrived at the law office and my friend Chris came out to meet me. We sat in his office until the family lawyer arrived. I gave him the background. When I mentioned Jase, he raised his eyebrows. "Not Jason McConnell?" he asked.

"Sounds right," I replied

"You know he is on remand for nearly beating his former girlfriend to death. He'll go down for sure. It'll all be on line if you need anything to convince Mythanwy. I would get her out of the house and somewhere safe."

"My god, he could've gone me."

"If he had he would have cooked his goose properly. He would be well aware of that."

"I tried not to provoke him; sounds like it was the right strategy."

* * * * *

When Myfanwy awoke close to lunchtime I was sitting at the head of the bed.

"Myfanwy," I said "did you know that Jase is on remand for nearly murdering his girlfriend? You deal with the news; you must have known that."

Myfanwy was staring back and in a weak voice, "yes but everyone is sure he will get off."

"Who is everyone Myfanwy? Shayde, Jase himself. You know Lenny thinks he will be going away, he told me so."

"You know Lenny?"

"While I am away I think you should take a week off work. Does Jase know where your sisters live?"

"No I don't think so."

"You should stay there for a week. You are actually in danger. And Myfanwy; I don't know where our marriage will be after this but whatever, I want you know I will look after you. I will not let you down. OK?"

"OK."

Myfanwy burst into tears again and for the first time told me she was sorry. What of, I am not sure but there was genuine remorse.

Myfanwy, rang one of her sisters and by the end of the day had left on the promise we would meet in a week. I continued my arrangement to go to Auckland.

* * * * *

I finally broke down when I met Mum at the airport. It was embarrassing but she made short work of whisking a blubbering me and my carryon out to the waiting car and on home. We hardly spoke in the road home. Mum glanced at me from time to time as I stared out at the other cars on the motorway.

When we got in she sat me down at the kitchen table while she ran up an expresso on her machine. Finally back at the table, our long blacks in hand, she asked me to tell her everything about what was going on. Both Mum and Dad loved Myfanwy. Mum was a marriage counsellor and had heard it all before but it was still devastating to hear it from her youngest son.

Mum was the quintessential empathic listener, nodding along with me, smiling when I smiled, frowning when I frowned.

At the end there was silence then she finally said "You know she is submissive but she is not servile."

"Oh I guess so, but what does that really mean."

"Well you were always a fusspot around her. She wore what you liked; she did what you wanted to do. I always thought of you as her manager. Then this woman came along, what's her name..."

"Shayde."

"I think she took over, and then this Jase took over from her. She is an intelligent woman; I suspect your fussing didn't help with her confidence. Maybe she was escaping you for a little while and Shayde took advantage of that. "

"Well, what can I do about that?"

"Communicate with her."

"We do that all the time. We have always communicated really well about all sorts of things. We both have the same interests."

"Yes but you obviously don't communicate with the things that matter. Blokes always like to talk about things. Women talk more easily about personal matters and relationships. You need to hear her, let her talk to you about this stuff. Let her lead the conversation. That is, if you want the relationship to continue...You obviously love her, don't you?"

"Well maybe I still love her but we can't go through life like this. What sort of marriage would it be? How did she get like this in the first place?"

"That may be the key. Where's her Mother now?"

"Oh I don't know, I suppose in Wanaka; we don't have anything to do with her these days."

I suddenly had an awful thought that Myfanwy's sister would tell her Mother and she would interfere and really stir things up.

"Her parent's marriage break up must have been very traumatic for her?"

"Very, she loved her father. I only met him once. He was a great guy. To her Mother he was the devil incarnate."

"It must have hit her when he died."

"Well she couldn't see him ...shit yeah."

"When was that?"

"Last year."

I thought about her mother. She hated our family. It must have been about a year into our relationship before I met her mother. She had moved to Wanaka in semi-retirement, as so many do beside Wanaka's picturesque lake.

It was dad's sixtieth. He had decided to have a big do. It was like a dress up party. He called it 'The theatre of the absurd.' Dad had suddenly got interested in his misspent youth. Mum had come along later and had never witnessed this side of him.

One day I was jamming with Dad and she watched us. She actually got quite tearful. I think she was really proud. In the middle of our jam she came across and hugged him. I bet he had a great night that night; any way back to my story.

We hadn't met Myfanwy's mother but we invited her to Dad's sixtieth and actually paid for her to come. Myfanwy flew up to Auckland with me about a week ahead. We had talked Myfanwy into bringing her Lute as Dad suggested so she could jam with us for something different.

Dad had also paid for our entire band to come up. It was an expensive do, I'd say.

Dad had wanted Blake and me to back him for a small set of his favourite tunes. He had sent us down the order of play and a flash drive with the tracks he wanted us to learn.

We spent the week before in Auckland practicing with Dad. Myfanwy sat in with us and dad got out his acoustic and they jammed. Myfanwy did not improvise so well but Dad did all that. She would play pretty straight and he would weave around her. It sounded just awesome. We actually got Myfanwy to sing. This got Myfanwy's confidence up. Blake suggested she could play a set and sing with Dad. No way would she have that on.

Apparently she always had a morbid fear of singing in public. I think her Mother drove her into this. Myfanwy and her Mother appear to be perfectionists and as Myfanwy liked to succeed; she had a real fear of failure.

At high school Myfanwy was developing her soprano voice. The music teacher thought she was that good that she talked Myfanwy into singing Barcelona in the style of Freddie Mercury and Caballe. There was a boy equally as good who could do a fair imitation of Freddie Mercury's part. All went well in rehearsal until the night. Myfanwy broke down completely and could not go on stage. Her Mother, who was in the audience, was mortified. I think her Mother used to physically hurt her because in later years I'd seen her cringe when they got into an argument.

During that week in Auckland Myfanwy did actually sing a bit of Barcelona and she was so good Dad decided we had to think of a way of including her. Dad's favourite Movie from the sixties was 'Blow up' so dad came to the idea that Myfanwy wear a kind of Venetian mask and dress as harlequin. Everyone was going to be dressed up so that would be her costume. She could dance onto the stage then pick up her lute and sing. Dad looked at me for the Mercury part..."what me?"

It was not going to be full length or anything. I have a good voice and could carry it to a limited degree. Myfanwy said she wouldn't do it unless I did, so that was it. The idea was that we sing for a bit. Dad interrupts with some feedback then he breaks into the Yardbird's number 'Stroll on' from the 'Blow up' movie. Myfanwy would appear to cower from the music then flee. That would start our set. As a band dad had us dressed as the Spanish inquisition. I wondered what that was all about but when we came out someone yelled "who are you?" Dad bellowed back "The Spanish inquisition!" Then a whole chorus of Boomers yelled back, "Not the Spanish inquisition?"

Fucked if I knew; they all knew.

Great! And we did it and it worked a treat. Our big band warmed up the crowd. We did a set composed of our sixties dance numbers, Wilson Picket, Eddie Floyd, James Brown. We had the codgers hopping. Then Myfanwy did her thing and the Spanish inquisition took it away. The set worked through a few of Dads favourites, Hendrix foxy lady; The Small faces' Tin Soldier; A couple from Cream; Jumping Jack flash then on to the who...'My Generation' and finally a couple of Beatles numbers 'Hey Bull Dog and 'Hey Jude'.

Fuck, did Dad shred that Strat?!

All the Boomers loved it. Dad had all his old codger mates jumping up and down playing air guitar and singing their emphysema out. Finally with 'Hey Jude,' he had Mum up there and she was singing along with him in duet. I had never seen them singing like that. I didn't even think Mum could carry a tune.

But man, Dad was a real revelation. Man he could play. It was hard to believe he had hardly touched a guitar in decades. When we had first jammed he stuck to blues which was Ok but his Clapton and Hendrix stuff was something else.

After the set Myfanwy came to me crying. She had a row with her mother who did not like the whole performance; thought we were all juvenile and had left. Myfanwy got changed and went to find her. Myfanwy and her mother were supposed to come to dinner the next night but did not show. They both changed their air tickets and left in the morning. Myfanwy's mother never met my parents again after that.

Myfanwy and I kept in touch before I got back to Christchurch but she never performed anything in public again. I'm sorry, I just hated her mother after that and I felt desperately sorry for Myfanwy.

Mum and I talked about that night and her mother's attitudes. Mum thought that the mother had real issues and Myfanwy as the oldest and the fathers favourite got the brunt of it.

"You think that her domineering mother has made her submissive?"

"Partly."

"Well if we get back together how do you deal with that. "

"She has to recognise it herself. It's a bit like being an alcoholic I suppose."

"Maybe get some help. If you are the closest to her you are in the box seat to help her if she is willing to be helped."

"I have to get over the infidelity. Well it's more than that; it seems like treachery to me."

"Does she acknowledge she has done something so wrong?"

"Not really, she said she is sorry."

"For what?"

"Don't know, we have not really had much of a discussion she just clammed up."

"Well you better get talking then."

"You will have to forgive her you know, somewhere along the line, if only for your own sake. I suggest before you do you should apologise too."

"For what? I haven't done anything."

"You obviously have or she would not have done what she did. Also she would be feeling hurt with your reaction."

"Hey, she hurt me worse."

"How do you know? Just think about it. Reconciliation has to be a two way street. Don't be an alpha male. Work together."

"Unfortunately there is the elephant I the room; her pregnancy."

"Can you accept that? After all it could come to be a kind of adoption."

"But to me the baby will always symbolise lies, and deceit. The father is someone who I could never respect. He is someone she has chosen over me, He is not even worthy of her."

"Baby aside, if there is a future she has got to understand that she has fallen short. No matter how you might have contributed, she, herself has done something that is wrong and unacceptable. Sorry won't cut it. She feels guilty and being sorry is a token effort to expiate it.

The next thing is that she has to be thinking, well both of you really, about what you are going to invest in your relationship to make it work. From there it is a matter of getting on with it. I would say it has to be a new life. You can never go back to the old one. Do new things. Go overseas. Share a new pastime together. She has to be willing though."

"Well it all sounds so easy but there's the baby."

That was Mum the counsellor followed by 'Mum the Mum'. She gave me a big long hug; after all these years I was still her baby. I thought then that it was the kind of real affection that I never received from Myfanwy.

Sure she was clingy and touchy in public and sexually she expressed a love of sorts but she in public would withdraw from pure affection and even cringe sometimes if I went to kiss her cheek. I would end up kissing her head.

Mum continued, "How's your communication; do you discuss personal things much?"

"Oh we talk all the time and about everything. We never argue as a rule. I agree with what you said earlier, sometimes I wonder whether in all our talking we deliberately avoid the things that really matter to avoid confrontation."

Mum frowned

"It does sound like you don't want to risk arguments. That might be a bad thing rather than a good thing as it may mean avoidance of sensitive or telling topics."

"One thing worries me. It came to mind after this episode, she never rings me at work or hardly ever anyway. Never rings me while I am away. I am the one that generally takes that initiative. I would just ring her to say hi sometimes or just fill in down time. It worried me recently because for one reason or another I haven't been ringing lately.

Sometimes I would get home and I would have no idea where she was. Sometimes she was home and there was something I could have picked up on the way from work but instead of ringing she would ask me to go out again. It annoyed the fuck out of me."

"Did you tell her it annoyed you?"

"Uh no."

Do you think that the fact she would not ring you was her being subservient or do you think it was a power thing on her behalf; her way of controlling you?"

"That's a bit deep. I would have to think about it. I suppose I like being in control. She is controlling me being in control, is that what you are saying?"

"Interesting thought isn't it."

Finally Mum looked at me sadly. "Where do you stand at the moment do you really think there is much of a chance."

When I thought about it, Myfanwy and I was a mile apart. I could not see any love on her part just sorry. Was that guilt, was it the trauma of being caught doing what she shouldn't. Myfanwy was never good at the love word. She would never say 'I Love you'. I suddenly felt that I had no idea whether she really loved me. Not like I loved her.

I looked at Mum. "At this moment, I don't think we have a realistic chance. You know I have a real lack in confidence that she loves me enough to carry on."

Mum has always been a bit of a feminist. I never liked the feminist jargon. Sometimes I wondered if Mum ever understood men as distinct from women but this time there was none of that. I thought she would automatically blame me in some way seeing I was a member of the patriarchy but then again she was a mother and I was her son and could do no wrong. Dad was always had a good second opinion if I needed it.

He had never been divorced but he did have a rough time with his first serious girlfriend. When I asked his opinion of what Myfanwy had done I thought he might take the blokes position. Kick her out, cut your losses and move on in life while you can. But he really liked Myfanwy.

We talked while we both washed and polished his SUV. Dad went through Myfanwy's pluses. She was intelligent and extremely talented. When things were going well she was very devoted in her own way. The negatives were she lacked confidence and could be easily influenced and lead by others. Could she be trusted again? She would have to earn it and it might take time. She would have to have the will to overcome any temptation and she in her heart would have to understand the consequences of giving in to temptation.

Dad then made what I thought was a very insightful statement, "You have been talking about love all this time but what is really missing is commitment. It sounds like Myfanwy has fallen in love with this jerk as though love is the be all and end all.

Commitment is more important that love. Commitment is the foundation of marriage and a stable family. In life you will go through all sorts of stresses and strains together. You will both feel at times that you have fallen out of love. It is commitment that gets you through those times and out the other end. It also stops you falling for the temptation of infatuation with another or give in to lust. Talk about commitment to her."

Then dad continued, "What would you do about the baby?"

I felt myself getting angry at the thought of it. Dad noticed my manner change.

"I have to be blunt on this one," he began, "I would not be comfortable with the baby. Would she be prepared to adopt it out or get an abortion?"

"That's kind of her decision."

"Well it's your decision to stay around if she keeps it. Listen I know you're responsible and all that and if it's your baby I would imagine you would be in there boots and all but the baby of a guy like that. I am lost for words....I would be afraid the baby would have some violent gene. I am not talking about his brother, what he did to his former girlfriend was not good and from what you say about his former record it sounds like you were lucky he didn't have a go at you.

I think to get over this, she has got to want you back badly and she is going to have to take some big sacrifices to do it. You guys are going to have to reset with a clean slate. The past has got to go. I'll leave that to you, to what that means."

As for her Mother? Dad suggested that I bite the bullet and make sure I accompany Myfanwy whenever she meets her mother. "Make sure you are the dominant one." He said," Don't let her mother call the shots. Infidelity is disrespect; as soon as she is thinking she is better than you and someone is propping her up on this you have to show them, and remind her why she chose you first. Above all keep your confidence," Dad concluded.

I never discussed with my parents my affair with Madelaine. There seemed to be that feeling of shame that they would not approve and I was letting them down with my behaviour.

Throughout this exposure of Myfanwy's infidelity there was the recognition I had been in Jase's position with Madelaine. I couldn't help but think of Madelaine's husband. It was these thoughts, I think, that lay the foundation for my faint hope that, despite all there was some path to reconciliation.