New Age Therapy

"Oh God!" She screamed in her head. "I can't even turn him on." Tears filled her eyes and she felt him loose his erection. She climbed off and began to lower herself to take him again in her mouth and he stopped her.

"Forget it. This isn't working tonight. I'm sorry." Paul rolled over and turned out the light on the nightstand. He was frustrated. He had never lost an erection in his life. He just couldn't get the picture of her and Juan out of his mind.

She fell asleep thinking. 'What have I done?'

A week later they agreed to try to complete their homework again. Sara took the kids to her parents so they would have no distractions.

When Paul returned home from work, he found Sara in the kitchen preparing dinner. He knew it was her happy place. He liked to watch and sometimes even help. "Smells good." He cheerily greeted her as he came through the door. He was going to make a concerted effort to complete the homework tonight and try to get back some semblance of normality.

"Thank you." She sounded genuinely surprised by the compliment. It was the first positive interaction they had since her 'disloyalty' was disclosed. "There's some wine on the counter if you want to open it."

Paul poured them both a glass of wine and as they finished preparing dinner together, they each discussed their days. It was a true exchange of interest in each other's day. Something that had been missing for months.

Part Seven

He had arranged for the kids to be with his in-laws so that he and Sara could have a night alone. They cooked dinner together, using the herbs they had grown over the summer. After dinner Paul suggested a walk. Sara knew he loved to walk in the rain. Even though she hated it, she agreed.

The rain was cool but gentle and as they started down the street towards the ravine he asked about her parents and if there was any issue asking them to look after the kids again. If it raised any questions. It had not.

Their pace was slow. "I think I ate too much." Paul announced. "But it was so good. I really enjoyed cooking with you tonight. He hadn't noticed that Sara had reached out and taken his hand. And he hadn't noticed that he didn't mind. In fact, he was pleased.

Sara smiled at him. 'Maybe there was hope for them.' She prayed silently.

"I was thinking, maybe it would be nice if we took a cooking class? Do more cooking together?" He ventured further. "Maybe I could even build a greenhouse? Plant a winter herb garden?" Sara was readily nodding in agreement.

There were long moments of silence between their exchanges. It was as if the silence was creating a healing between them. A realization washed over him, he stopped to turn and look at her. "Sara, I'm sorry that I wasn't everything that you needed to be happy." Paul had no idea where those words had come from. They hadn't even been a thought in his mind. He didn't know what he was going to say until the words came out of his mouth. Before she had a chance to speak. "Let's get back, the rain's getting in my eyes." He was crying only for the second time since she had confessed her sins. The rest of their walk was in silence.

They sat and had a cup of tea to warm up from their walk and watched the rain come down. Paul broke the silence. "I think I am going to turn in for the night."

"Sounds good." Sara agreed and got up to go upstairs, assuming that Paul was going to follow. Instead, he was making his bed on the couch. "Paul?" She was puzzled. Hadn't they just turned a corner tonight?

"I need to know that if I drop the ball, you aren't going to run out and have an affair. I need you to tell me when there's problems." He was asking her for transparency. "No locked cell phones or any other devices."

She walked towards him and grasped both of his hands in hers. "I promise. I swear to you. I will never go anywhere else but to you again." She pleaded with him. "I will do whatever you need me to do. Even a post-nup with a fidelity clause. I want you to know I'm in this for always."

"I'm not there yet, Sara." He kissed her on her forehead. "Goodnight." He laid down on the couch to sleep.

Slowly climbing the stairs, she wondered if they would ever be able to bridge this gap. She got ready for bed but tossed and turned. She missed him next to her. It was the first time since she returned from the Dominican that feeling had overcome her.

She picked up her pillow and the duvet and headed downstairs to Paul and the living room. She watched as he slept peacefully. It was comforting to her. She wanted to be in his presence. She made an impromptu bed on the floor next to the couch and fell asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.

He awoke to Sara curled up on the floor asleep next to him. She seemed almost angelic. He knew he still loved her. Yet, he wasn't sure if he could ever trust her again. But he so loved her little quirks. Like how she tilts her head in the direction of the corner she is turning when driving. Or how she stands like a flamingo, when waiting on something. Or how she truly is the best mother he knew.

He slipped off the couch not to disturb her. And went about getting ready for his day. He had just over 24 hours to make up his mind about how he wanted to proceed with their relationship. He knew the pros and cons would run on a continuous loop in his mind all day long.

Sara was awakened by the click of the door. Paul had silently let himself out. He knew she had a late start today and let her sleep. 'Or did just want to get away from me?' She asked herself. She would spend the day praying, meditating on positive thoughts. Hoping that Paul would forgive her and try to move past this.

Things had been improving between them since that early July session where all of Sara's betrayal had been laid bare. Even though the weeks between the counselling were full of disagreements and arguments. She felt that the temperature had been turned down. Instead of hurling insults, they were legitimate complaints and differences of opinion. There were no more facts to uncover. No more lies to be hidden. It was all out in the open. The weight of her deception had lifted like clouds after a storm.

The lengthy break between sessions over the summer and into early September gave them time and space to absorb their feelings. For Paul, it allowed him to take time to comprehend his contribution to Sara's actions and to make attempts with corrective action. Like making a point of asking her about her day while helping her with dinner or the kids bedtime routines.

The solo sessions allowed Paul to work through his anger and disappointment. He had not come to any conclusion as where to go from here. But he did want to complete the homework that had been assigned to them early summer and had yet to complete. It was time for their joint session with the Therapist and he wanted to say that he had done everything he could to make it work, including following all of the Therapist's directions. Plus, he found himself desiring Sara again.

That night, after cooking dinner together again, they sat silently on the couch holding hands and sipping on their remaining wine. "I do love you, Sara. No matter what happens tomorrow, know that I do love you." He leaned over and gave her a soft, gentle, peck on the lips. Then swiftly followed it up with a deep passionate kiss, penetrating her mouth with his tongue, entwining her tongue with his.

He pulled her over to him so that she was straddling him. There was a hunger between them that had not existed in years. He picked her up and carried her upstairs to the bedroom. She was unbuttoning his shirt as he climbed the stairs.

They took their time undressing each other. Eyes locked. Passionate kisses were the only interruption to the removal of clothing. They made love for hours. The were physically and mentally in the same place. Both thinking that this was never going to happen again. When they finished, they laid quietly in each others' arms. Stealing occasional looks. Again, both contemplating whether this would this ever work out.

"Sleep well my love." Paul kissed her on the cheek and began to rise.

"Where-"

"I'm not ready to share this bed, Sara. I don't know if I ever will be ready again." Shoulders slumped, he walked down the hallway and climbed back down the stairs to his current bed. The couch.

Sara whaled into her pillow so he wouldn't hear. She was devasted. Her hopes for reconciliation were crushed. The life she dreamed about; the life she took for granted; had disappeared. Tomorrow's therapy was going to be impossible to survive.

Part Eight

During her last solo session with the Therapist, Sara shared how things had been hot and cold between them. The incredible love making and the sleeping alone. Paul being a present father, taking responsibility for his relationship with the kids. Taking them shopping prior to the holidays. It was wonderful to see. And still, she found a Divorce Lawyer's business card in his pants pocket last week when she was doing the laundry.

"Don't put too much emphasis on the business card, Sara." The Therapist reassured her. "He could have had it for weeks. You have done good work here."

"I know." Looking at the Therapist "I regret every minute of what I've done. But in that moment, I was not Alex' friend, not an employee, not a mother or a wife. But wife and mother, I am. I would rather die than give those things up.

Paul greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and held the office door open for her as they entered for their last joint session. They found the Therapist behind her desk reviewing what they assumed to be notes from their individual and joint sessions.

"I imagine the both of you are exhausted from this process and just want to move on to the next steps." Paul and Sara looked at each other nervously and nodded in agreement. "Okay then, no point in delaying the inevitable. Sara, why don't you share with Paul what you would like to happen next."

Timidly, Sara began to acknowledge everything that had occurred and her responsibility for getting them into this mess. "But no matter how difficult the next steps may be Paul. I want us to be together. If that means no Alex. Then there will be no Alex. Whatever you need Paul. I will do. I am committed to us."

Paul sat silently for a long time. Finally, he got up and started to slowly pace around the office, stopping to stare out the window. "I never imagined that we would be here because you broke our marriage vows. The trust that we had has vanished Sara. I don't know how to get that back." He looked down at his wedding band, he had been fidgeting with it all morning. "Remember when we bought these, Sara? We were so in love. So young. God, so naïve." He shook his head and half chuckled. "And so very broke. I never liked these rings."

"So much has changed, Sara. We are not those people anymore." He was still staring out the office window with his back to her and the Therapist. Repeating himself with a sigh. "We are just not those people."

"Well. Things change." Wiping the dampness from his eyes he walked over to Sara and held out his hand. "I want them back." His wedding band was in the palm of his hand awaiting its matching pair.

Taken aback, the Therapist began to question her process. She would have bet everything she owned that these two were going to make it. It was so obvious how deeply in love the two of them were. Why else would they have been so deeply hurt?

Sara was crying again and thought. 'This is it. Its over.' With trembling hands, she gingerly slid the rings off her finger and deposited both her engagement and wedding bands into the palm of his hand. She heard them jingle as he dropped them into his pants pocket.

"Not those people." Paul repeated for what seemed like the tenth time. "We are different people today, Sara." He was looking up at the ceiling trying to stop the tears. "It's taken a lot for me to recognize where we both went wrong. I am to blame too."

"I like the person I have become through this process. I think I am going to be a better partner because of it. At least I hope so." He let out a deep breath.

She wanted to scream 'STOP', 'DON'T', 'I'M SORRY', but nothing came out of her mouth. Only silent tears streamed down her face as she stared at the floor.

"We are a different couple." Paul sounded more positive with this repetition. "

Paul knelt on one knee next to her and opened a box. "New rings for a new start?" He asked, staring into her eyes.

She threw her arms around him. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Each answer accompanied by a kiss.