All Comments on 'No. 14 Chalk and Cheese'

This was a lot better than some of your earlier submissions, i actually got into the plot pretty well. I think it still needs some polish, but overall pretty good.

I got confused. Who was the guy she was with in the car at the start and why did that happen? Also, the short passage about his father - what was that about?

His wife was obviously having a mental breakdown following all her miscarriages and maybe he could have helped find counselling before it was too late. I felt sorry for her and thought her sister was disgusting.

5 Big Blazing stars. I found this Epic story very interesting, a story of life and the Circus, and a Hot Wife. Sure I was a little confused, but at my age that is Not uncommon. This story held my attention, thanks for the effort. Buster2U

Humiliation and emotional/sexual abuse are neither entertaining nor amusing. They are to be despised. They should both be required tags.

Re Not mentioning the sister's names... was irritating as hell. Particularly when there were the two sisters plus Amy and it was so difficult to work out who the fuck you were talking about. Oh, was his first wife the good looking sister or the other one. I don't think you ever stated which. Unnecessary irritation.

Plus, as others mentioned, the whole story didn't make sense and the continuiety was all out of kilter. He followed his wife to three different bars??? Was she fucking the same guy at each one or three different guys? Also, why the hell didn't he call a halt to her actions earlier? None of it makes sense.

Intro: My wife is a cheating whore

Flashback: lets tell you how I fell in love with a cheating whore you no longer have any emotional investment in

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Critique: Linear time - understand how it words

This is why Morty killed the lighthouse keeper

That was pretty awful. The lack of quotation marks made the dialog hard to follow, and not naming his wife and s-i-l didn't work.

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THURMHED - The last two letters are reversed from the words.

Pretty good effort Joe. Maybe you should resign and write full time. You might do well.

An interesting concept but not well fleshed out and ends just mostly sad with the unnamed wife having her life destroyed, Amy just being brutalized and both ending up hospitalized with the first wife dying. I like the concept, a man dealing with a wife corrupted by a slutty neighbor who seems to want him for herself and gets her claws into the wife after she miscarries repeatedly with the twin sister of the wife stepping in to help the MC but just as it is didn't work. 2 stars.

I’m torn. I gave it five stars because I loved the concept; there’s a very compelling idea here, but it was hampered in the telling. Not naming the sisters did detract from it, I’m sorry to say. More to the point, though, it needed better clarity overall: lack of or improper use of quote marks, unclear pronouns when dealing with multiple people, general punctuation, etc. If possible, get an editor in. There’s SO much to like here that it’s a shame for it to be less than it could be. For a short piece like this, I’d be happy to take a look as a beta reader.

bleak as life but 5 stars