No Pressure Pt. 03

"So you just... talk about sex with your siblings like you would with friends?" Kelsey asked.

"Well, I wouldn't say that," Beckett replied with a laugh. "I mean, I haven't gotten into detail with Charlie about what you and I do, if that's your concern."

"No. I'm just surprised that it doesn't gross you out. You yelled at Sam the other night for implying that they and Sylvie had sex that afternoon," Kelsey reminded Beckett.

"Oh that's just because those two are constantly talking about how much they have sex and all the new things they've tried. They go on and on about how different it is than it was with anyone else and it was just annoying to hear. Now it's just kind of a running joke," Beckett said with a shrug before they turned to face Kelsey fully. "But I might owe them an apology. Because I get it now."

Kelsey nudged Beckett with her shoulder. "So sappy," she said as she leaned towards them for a kiss. "But I like it. In fact, it's one of the things I love about you." She booped their nose before returning her attention to breakfast. "And I get it too."

The afternoon at Charlie's was a success in that it was clear that Charlie and Kelsey got along, but a disaster in that Beckett totally embarrassed themself by storming off in the middle of a conversation about the new Regional Manager position. The two were putting too much pressure on Beckett to interview for the job and it was unfair of their brother and their partner to team up like that.

But instead of dealing with their insecurities like an adult, Beckett stormed off like a child and disappeared for a half hour. When they got back, no one addressed what had happened and Beckett was grateful for that. They knew they'd have to talk about it, but they were glad not to have to dive into it immediately.

"Can we talk about earlier?" Beckett asked as they closed their front door behind Kelsey.

"If you're up for it. Charlie mentioned..." Kelsey trailed off.

"That it was a bad idea to push me too hard to talk about things?" Beckett asked. "I'm not proud of it, but he's right," they continued as the two sat on the couch. "I assume that's also why you didn't chase after me or anything? Because he told you not to."

"Yeah, was that bad advice?" Kelsey asked with a wince.

"No, it was good advice. I wanted to be alone," Beckett said, taking Kelsey's hand into theirs. "So thank you for giving me that."

Kelsey stroked Beckett's knuckles with her thumb. "I'm okay with you needing to be alone sometimes, but I have limits. You have to answer your phone if I call. Just so I know you're alright. You didn't do that today and I was worried, regardless of what Charlie was telling me."

Becket nodded. "I can do that." As long as Kelsey wasn't going to push them into a conversation like Laura used to - or like their moms still did - they could answer when she called.

"Is that what you wanted to talk about or is there more?" Kelsey asked.

"That was pretty much it. I don't like to be pushed to talk about things. Not just after I'm already upset - in general. And that's what I felt like you and Charlie were doing with the Regional Manager thing," Beckett explained.

Kelsey nodded. "I understand."

Beckett squeezed Kelsey's hand, then released it and slapped their palms on their legs. "I don't know about you, but I could use a warm shower."

"Definitely. I'll jump in after you," Kelsey said, noticeably leaving out a suggestion that they shower together.

Beckett didn't push it. They were lucky to have Kelsey in the first place and they didn't need to fuck it all up by spiraling into self-doubt twice in one day. "You hop in first. I have to take care of Taco."

When Beckett got upstairs, Kelsey was walking out of the bathroom in a towel. It took a significant amount of self-control for Beckett not to drop to their knees in front of her, but they really did want to shower.

That didn't mean they couldn't touch her at all, though.

Beckett tugged at the towel where Kelsey had tucked it into itself and Kelsey held her arms out to the sides to allow it to fall to the floor. Her hair was wet from the shower and dripped water down her body. Beckett traced the path of one of the droplets from her collarbone, between her breasts, and down her stomach.

Kelsey's breath hitched when Beckett's finger reached the end of its path, just below her navel. Beckett's own breath picked up pace too.

"I can't believe I get to touch you," Beckett said after a long exhale.

"Not until you shower, you don't," Kelsey said, playfully slapping Beckett's hand away and picking her towel up from the floor. "I'm all clean and you probably still have glue and stain on your hands from whatever you were making with Asher."

"It was a cookbook holder and it was a gift for their boyfriend." Beckett said, referring to their nibling, Asher, and their boyfriend, Taylor. They put their hands on their hips. "I for one think that it was an adorable idea."

"Asher is so clearly your favorite. I feel bad for Ainslee and Aidan," Kelsey said as she shook her head. "They get half the attention you give Asher."

"And Asher gets half the attention from their parents because they are the middle child. I happen to understand what it's like to be the overlooked middle child," Beckett said, tilting their head to the side and shrugging.

"The 'A' names are a lot, by the way." Kelsey rolled her eyes. "It's adorable, but it's a lot."

Beckett laughed. "Oh I know. But I couldn't talk Charlie and Casey out of it. They thought it would be cute for them all to have the same first letter since their names both start with the same letter."

"So why didn't they name their kids with 'C' names?" Kelsey asked somewhat incredulously.

"Because that was their line for what would have been too much," Beckett said with a light snort.

"Fair enough." Kelsey nodded. "Now get in the shower," she said before patting Beckett on the butt and leaving them to shower.

After their shower, Beckett found Kelsey spooning with Taco in the middle of the bed. She was facing away from them but they could hear two different quiet snores, one coming from each of their two loves. They didn't want to disturb them, so they slid into bed behind Kelsey and snuggled up to her back. She was leaving in the morning, but not until eight. They would still have another chance to make love before she left.

"Beckett?"

Beckett blinked their eyes open slowly to find Kelsey sitting next to them on the bed, fully clothed. "What time is it?"

"It's five. I can't sleep and I'm anxious about getting home in time for my game. If I hit traffic, I might be cutting it close," Kelsey explained.

"I thought your game was at like seven," Beckett said groggily. They weren't fully awake yet, but they were pretty sure it wouldn't take Kelsey fourteen hours to get home, even in the worst traffic.

"I know, but I'm up, so I just figured I'd get on the road. Is that okay?" Kelsey asked

No, not really.

Beckett sat up and rubbed their face. "Um, yeah. Do you want me to make you breakfast first, though? I can get up and-"

"No," Kelsey interrupted. "Go back to sleep." She cupped their jaw with her hand and leaned forward for a soft, far too brief, kiss goodbye. "I'll see you soon. We'll figure out Christmas this week, okay?"

Beckett nodded. They wanted her to stay, but she seemed set on leaving immediately. "Yeah, okay."

Kelsey dropped her hand from Beckett's face and patted Taco, who was tucked behind Beckett's knees. "I'll see you soon too," she said to the dog before turning back to Beckett.

"I love you," Beckett said, unable to hide the desperation in their voice to hear it back. They were afraid they fucked up yesterday and they needed to know that Kelsey wasn't running away from them.

Kelsey brushed a tear from Beckett's face that they didn't even know had slipped out. "I love you too. We'll figure out Christmas soon, I promise. Just a few weeks this time, not three months. That'll be here before we know it."

Kelsey did text Beckett when she got home, but it was no more than a simple "I'm home" and a sleepy emoji. And after her game that night, Beckett didn't get much more.

Kelsey: I'm home from my game and I'm exhausted. I'm going to sleep. Love you <3.

Then Beckett saw that Kelsey had notifications silenced. They texted back, knowing they wouldn't get a reply that night.

Beckett: Sweet dreams. I love you too.

Communication remained sparse throughout the week. Beckett knew Kelsey was upset and they didn't want to push her away. They had fucked up at Charlie's house and Kelsey was pulling away. Despite the physical distance that had existed between them from the beginning, it was the first time that Kelsey felt far away from Beckett, almost out of their reach.

It was Friday before they finally got on a video call.

"Hey babe! It's been a crazy week, sorry we haven't-" Kelsey paused and cocked her head to the side. "What's wrong?"

"Huh?" Beckett must have been wearing their emotions on their face. "Oh. It's just been a long week." It wasn't a lie, but definitely wasn't the whole truth.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kelsey asked.

Beckett shrugged. "I don't know. Do you?" they asked, not hiding the frustration in their voice.

"You sound like you're mad," Kelsey said slowly.

Beckett sighed. "I'm not mad."

A few seconds of silence that felt like a full minute passed between them before Kelsey spoke. "Usually when I fuck up, I know I fucked up and, well, you know how that goes. But this time I have no idea what I did to upset you and, actually, that's kind of starting to make me mad." She rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I'm trying here, Beckett, but the silent treatment is making my insecurities worse. What did I do? Why have you been so distant this week?"

"Me?" Beckett scoffed. "You basically snuck out on Monday morning."

"Is that what this is about?" Kelsey leaned closer to the phone.

Beckett nodded.

"I really just couldn't sleep, that was all. I was up and I didn't want to make you get up so I figured I'd just get on the road," Kelsey explained.

"Then why have you been short with me all week?" Beckett asked.

"Why have you been short with me?" Kelsey challenged.

"I..." Beckett didn't have an answer. Apparently, this was all in their head.

"See, from my vantage point you have been ignoring me." The frustration was apparent in her voice. She was definitely mad at Beckett, but not for the reasons they thought all week. "This is so-"

Kelsey stopped when a sob escaped Beckett's throat, despite their best efforts to keep it in.

"Stupid, I know," Beckett finished Kelsey's sentence and dropped their face into their hands. "I just... I already think you're too good for me and I'm terrified that you're going to get frustrated with the distance and..." Beckett shook their head in lieu of finishing their sentence. They didn't even want to say it.

"Beckett," Kelsey said quietly. "Babe. Look at me."

But Beckett didn't. They couldn't.

"Why do you think that? Did I do something to make you think I was pulling away? I mean, besides leaving, but I think we just cleared that part up and you're still upset. I'm really sorry that I didn't explain more," Kelsey continued. "You just looked so content and I didn't want to interrupt your sleep too much."

"I fell asleep with you in my arms, of course I was content," Beckett said as they lifted their head to look at Kelsey again.

Another long stretch of silence passed between them before Beckett continued.

"I don't actually have much confidence. It's mostly fake." Beckett looked down again and fidgeted with their fingernails.

"You're so amazing at so many things, Beckett. You're an incredible ballplayer, an awesome cook, and a talented woodworker to start," Kelsey said, pointing to the sign behind her. "You're also astonishingly easy to open up to. You somehow make the air around you just feel comfortable."

"It's the eye contact and super slight smile. It's not even a smile," Beckett said, demonstrating the tiny pull at the corners of their mouth. "It's a learned skill. It gets people to admit when they've stolen something because they feel like I care about why. I mean, I do care about why because most people aren't just stealing for the heck of it, but it's not a natural trait that I have."

"Natural or learned, it's a rare skill and an important one. It gives you influence because no one has any reason to doubt that you are genuine," Kelsey explained, but her compliments fell flat. Beckett had a lot of trouble accepting praise when they were already spiraling with self-doubt. It just sounded like pandering to them.

"I hate that I need praise, but I can't accept it. Like, I don't believe you right now. Logically, I know you're not lying to me, but I can't convince myself that you aren't just saying nice things because we're in a relationship and you want me to stop moping around."

"Beckett, that's ridicu-" Kelsey cut herself off. "It's not ridiculous, your feelings are not ridiculous. But it's not true. I'm not just saying what I think you want to hear, I'm telling you the truth because you need to hear it."

"I keep finding these hobbies that I'm pretty good at because I need that praise," Beckett admitted. "And I do get some for a while, but once the novelty wears off for people, I don't get the same compliments and I need to find the next thing. It's like I constantly need confirmation that I am good enough. That I bring enough to the table for anyone to want to hang around."

Kelsey took a deep breath in, seeming to consider her words for a few moments in order not to upset Beckett. It was how they were used to people reacting to them - walking on eggshells. They braced for the usual response. Of course I want to hang out with you, Beckett, blah blah blah.

"You know," Kelsey started, "we're not all that different. Your self-doubt shows up more directly and mine is hidden behind anger. I get mad when I fail but you don't even try things because you're afraid to fail."

Kelsey sighed before continuing. "I know it's not what you want to hear, again, but is that or is that not why you won't apply for the Regional Manager job?" she asked.

Beckett furrowed their brow and pursed their lips. Kelsey was right.

"Exactly. You don't do anything that you're not absolutely certain you can do well. Or you wait until you're perfect at whatever the thing is," Kelsey added. "Like how you practice-cooked my favorite meals for two months."

"Okay, you might have a point," Beckett acquiesced.

"When I'm feeling insecure, I redirect those negative feelings onto other people. And that's not fair," Kelsey emphasized, "but neither is directing it all at yourself."

"That's quite a bit of therapizing from someone who is reluctant to see a therapist," Beckett joked, breaking the tension and seriousness of the conversation a bit.

"I'll have you know that I booked an appointment with someone for next Wednesday," Kelsey corrected somewhat smugly. But it was earned smug - Beckett knew how hard that first step could be.

"I'm happy for you. And proud of you," Beckett told Kelsey. And they truly were.

"What can I do to help? How do I help you not doubt yourself?" Kelsey asked seriously.

Beckett let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know. If you just compliment me, I won't believe that it's genuine. It has nothing to do with delivery or tone or anything like that, I just don't always believe that people are telling me the truth and not just trying to keep me from getting upset," they continued, rubbing their temples. "It's always been this way."

"We'll work on it, okay? We'll find a way for you to see yourself the way I see you. And the rest of the world sees you," Kelsey said reassuringly. "You're not in this alone. You have me."

"Thanks, officers, have a great night. Be safe," Beckett said as they pulled their office door shut and flopped into their chair. What a fucking day.

They shut their eyes and tried to process exactly what happened. They wanted to go home, but they didn't feel fit to drive just yet, so they closed their eyes and tried to focus on their breathing. If they hadn't been so distracted, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

A loud voice interrupted their brief meditation and they groaned as they pulled their desk drawer open to retrieve their walkie talkie and turn it off. Their shift should have been over hours ago. Just because they had to stay for the police report, that didn't mean that they needed to answer the walkie.

They tossed the radio back into the drawer and shut their eyes again. They just needed a couple of minutes uninterrupted so they could settle down enough to drive. If they could just-

A knock interrupted Beckett's second attempt at meditation. "Jesus Christ, what do you want? I'm not even supposed to be here."

"Sorry boss, I just wanted to give you back your phone," Jacob said as he opened the door tentatively. "It was buzzing a lot but I didn't want to interrupt you when you were with the cops." He handed the phone to Beckett. "I'll leave you alone. Let me know if you need anything."

Beckett stood to accept the phone. "Thanks, Jacob."

As the door clicked shut, Beckett settled back into their chair and unlocked their phone. They had twenty-five texts and four missed calls from Kelsey, which was decidedly unlike her, especially in the last week. She'd been distant since they had that serious conversation about Beckett's lack of self-worth. Not quite as distant as the week before that, but still distant.

The messages started just before four o'clock when Beckett was supposed to be done working for the day and ended just two minutes before Jacob handed them the phone. Beckett scanned for the important messages - the ones that might give them a clue about what was happening before they jumped to any conclusions.

Kelsey: Hey babe, how was your day? Mine was shit.

Kelsey: Are you working late? Call me back when you can.

Kelsey: Why aren't you answering? Where are you? I really need to talk.

Kelsey: Beckett where the fuck are you. I'm worried. Call me back.

Kelsey: Now I'm getting kinda mad. It's been three hours. Call me.

Kelsey: Your brother said he hasn't heard from you. I don't want to get him involved, but you need to call me.

Kelsey: I need you.

Kelsey: Beckett, please.

Beckett pressed the call button as fast as they could. It's not that they forgot about Kelsey, the afternoon had just been so chaotic and they hadn't thought to call her.

"Oh my god, finally. Where have you been? I've been calling you for hours. I had the worst fucking day and I was all in my head about this stupid proposal that I fucked up, so hard. I just..." Kelsey let out a heavy sigh. "I needed you and you said you would be there if I couldn't get out of my head but you didn't answer. That's just really fucked up, Beckett," Kelsey said, finishing her monologue.

Beckett wasn't in the mood to defend themself. "I'm sorry I didn't answer."

"That's it?" Kelsey asked incredulously.

"What else do you want me to say? That's what you wanted, right? An apology? I apologize," Beckett said dryly.

"I say I needed you, as in really needed your support, Beckett, and all you have to say is that you apologize? You said I could call you any time I felt out of control and you would be there, but you-"