No Pressure Pt. 03

"Do you even care why I was unavailable for three hours?" Beckett asked, interrupting Kelsey.

"Well, yeah, actually, that's what I'm trying to-"

"Some guy ran out with about three-hundred dollars of product earlier," Beckett interrupted again. "Pushed me out of the way before I could stop him and bolted. I didn't have my phone for the last few hours because it was knocked out of my hands when he knocked me into the wall. And it was in my hands because I kept checking for messages from you because you've been so short with me lately."

"If I don't text you back as soon as you send it," Beckett continued, "it's hours before you text me back. So when you do actually text, I try to get back to you immediately. I just couldn't this time. And I'm sorry. That's all I can say. I'm sorry that I wasn't there but I've had a really fucked up day too."

Beckett could feel tears burning behind their eyes. "I just spent the last three fucking hours with the police. I had to give them a statement, then we had to scour the security footage, then interview any employees who volunteered to give statements... We literally just finished ten minutes ago."

"Are you ok?" Kelsey asked. All of the anger in her voice had faded and been replaced with genuine concern.

"That stupid fuck shouldered me out of the way and ran into the street and directly into the side of a moving van," Beckett recounted. "Like, a van in motion, not a literal van for moving," they clarified. "All for three hundred bucks. That's a lot of money, but it's not worth his life."

"Is he..."

"He's not dead, but he is badly injured," Beckett said, looking at the ceiling and trying to blink back the tears. "And it's my fault."

"What?" Kelsey asked, her tone disbelieving.

"It's my fault," Beckett repeated. "He's all fucked up and it's my fault because I was distracted and I didn't see him grab the bag and run. He would have walked away with a ban from visiting any dispensary in the chain totally uninjured."

"You can't possibly be blaming yourself for the consequences of his actions," Kelsey pleaded.

"My job is to keep people safe," Becket said firmly. "All people. Even the ones who make bad decisions for reasons they think are valid."

Kelsey chuckled. "That might be one of the most progressive things someone has ever said to me. At least that someone I actually know has said to me."

The levity in Kelsey's voice should have frustrated Beckett, but they needed the compliment that accompanied it especially badly at that moment. "I know it sounds all hippy-dippy or whatever, but I really don't think people are as bad as their worst moments."

"It's one of my favorite things about you," Kelsey said.

"But that guy's life is probably ruined now. He's got a bunch of broken bones and he had an ounce of stolen weed on him. As a company, we don't press charges on thefts under a thousand dollars unless there's a weapon or an injury that's more than a little bruise or a scratch." It was one of the many reasons Beckett loved their employer. They had a business to run so they needed to deter and recover theft, but they weren't in the business of ruining lives.

"But it became a traffic accident when he ran into that van," Beckett continued. "Laws are relaxed now, but those are circumstances that a lot of people will have trouble writing off as small mistakes."

"But you think they are." Kelsey's tone was hard to read; maybe a little skeptical.

"A series of small mistakes that compounded into something more serious. But we don't know why he did it. We don't know what stressors led him to consciously do something he knew was wrong." Beckett had made mistakes too, they just never got in any serious trouble for it. Their life could have been ruined a few times over if people had judged them on their biggest moments of weakness.

"Most of the time if you just sit and talk to people, they'll tell you what's really going on," Beckett explained. "I've had people who were coerced by friends or family and employees who were threatened if they didn't take something for someone else. That's not their fault. They weren't bad people."

"You are a beautiful person, Beckett. Really. You make all of these ideas that seem a little far out there feel very simple and obvious. You've found a way to connect that gorgeous mind of yours with your amazing heart and I just..." Kelsey trailed off. "I just envy that."

"I'm supposed to be mad at you for being mad at me for not answering my phone." Beckett huffed a laugh and shook their head.

"That's where we started, yes." Kelsey replied and Beckett could hear the smile form on her lips as she spoke.

"I don't feel mad about that anymore," Beckett confessed. No point in being stubborn about this.

"Neither do I," Kelsey said with a slight curiosity in her voice. "That's new."

"What is?" Beckett asked.

"De-escalating that quickly. I'm usually more... inflexible... when I get mad about something," Kelsey explained.

"This is probably the most embarrassingly touchy-feely yet super pragmatic thing I will ever say, but should we talk about what just happened?" Beckett asked. "Because I actually feel kinda good about myself because of what you said and you're not angry. That's not typical."

"I think that's a good idea. Where do we start?" Kelsey asked.

Beckett grabbed their jacket and opened the door to their office. "I start by getting out of this building. Is it okay if we talk while I drive home? I just want to be in my house right now."

"Of course, babe," Kelsey replied.

Beckett waved to their co-workers as they left and reminded the greeter to call them if anything related to the incident earlier came up after they left.

"I guess if I were my therapist, I'd ask how you felt when the phone rang and how I felt when you answered," they said as they opened the door to their Bronco.

"Okay. When you called, I was mad and I said that I wanted an explanation, but I think I just wanted to yell at someone," Kelsey admitted. "I'm sorry about that, by the way."

"I'm intentionally not saying it's okay, because it's not, but I accept your apology." It was important that Beckett not accept Kelsey's behavior if it harmed them but that still they acknowledge and accept her apology. "When you started raising your voice," they continued, "it was as if my feelings were insignificant compared to yours."

"I didn't mean to make you feel like that." Kelsey's voice was quiet, her tone had a hint of embarrassment.

Beckett channeled their experience with a lifetime of being in and out of therapy. "I know. Let's just say we're both sorry for how we made each other feel. If we keep apologizing to each other, we're putting the focus on the apology, not the solution."

"That makes sense," Kelsey confirmed.

"Okay, so you were mad and you wanted to yell. What changed?" Beckett asked.

"Well, you told me what happened and I stopped being mad and started being worried," Kelsey explained. "I don't think that's something we can replicate every time."

"True, but maybe there's something there?" Beckett asked.

Kelsey hummed for a moment before responding. "Maybe just having an explanation that made it clear that I didn't do anything wrong helped? Like at the Phillies game when you said that they weren't actually my mistakes that I was upset about. I don't get mad when other people make mistakes. Like if my teammate misses a throw, I'm not mad at them. And obviously," Kelsey emphasized, "I'm not saying that you made a mistake by not calling me back, but maybe I snapped out of it in part because I didn't feel like I did anything to make you not call me back?"

"So use logic on you." Beckett was good at being logical, so that wouldn't be too hard.

"Yeah, I think so," Kelsey said with positivity in her voice. Beckett was glad to hear it.

"I can do that. But I have to have boundaries. If you're not reacting well, I have to protect myself. I can't try to reason with you if you attack me. So you need to do your part in this as well and listen to me." Beckett had done a bit of research about how to support someone with anger issues and everything they read emphasized that they needed to protect themself first, then try to help their partner.

"If I do react poorly, can you remind me of that?" Kelsey asked timidly.

"I can try. But again; boundaries," Beckett emphasized. "I can't subject myself to abuse."

"That is totally fair," Kelsey acknowledged.

"And you still have to talk to a therapist and ask them if that's a good idea," Beckett reminded Kelsey.

"Of course," Kelsey agreed. "Okay, now what about you? I made you feel insignificant but you said at the end that you felt good about yourself. How did I help that? You told me before that complimenting you could have the opposite of the intended effect. What was different about this time?" she asked.

"I'm not sure. I guess you weren't, like, challenging me," Beckett reflected. "I have been told that my ideas about people not being fully responsible for their actions are absurd and you affirmed them."

"So agreeing with you helps?"

"I don't know, I feel like that could backfire. I'm not always right..." Beckett paused and laughed. "Don't you dare tell anyone I said that."

"Well what has your therapist said about this? You said you've been seeing her for, what, two years now? What has she said?" Kelsey asked.

"We haven't talked about this," Beckett admitted. They'd been avoiding this particular topic with their therapist for a long time. For the most part, Beckett had learned to mask their insecurities. They could get away with not talking about them with their therapist because it wasn't obvious unless Beckett was experiencing a moment of self-doubt.

"If you haven't been talking about this, what the hell have you been talking about?" Kelsey asked before adding, "I'm sorry, that was aggressive. I just mean that it seems like you take therapy very seriously and I'm surprised that you haven't talked to her about this."

"We've focused mostly on my identity and my reluctance to interact with strangers because of my fear of being misgendered," Beckett explained. "That gets in the way of my daily life, so that's the most pressing issue. The self-doubt stuff doesn't really keep me from living my life."

"I don't think that's true," Kelsey challenged. "I don't want to upset you, but isn't it preventing you from applying for this Regional Manager job?"

Beckett took a deep breath as they pulled their car into their driveway and shifted into park. "That's backed up by facts, though. I am not as qualified as Chad. I don't have the experience that Chad has. And I just proved that I'm not ready for that job - I let that guy push me over and run into traffic," Beckett reminded Kelsey.

"So you have to know everything? You have to be perfect before you can even try?" Kelsey asked.

"I don't see what's wrong with wanting perfection from myself," Beckett replied. "Other people expect perfection from me, so I need to be ready for that."

"This conversation sounds familiar," Kelsey said.

Beckett knew where she was going with that. "This is a take your own advice situation, isn't it?" they asked as they threw their head back against their headrest.

"Yup," Kelsey confirmed. "But," she continued, "that's something for you to talk about with your therapist. What about me? What can I do to help? That's what we're trying to figure out here."

Beckett took a deep breath. "I don't know."

"Well what snapped you out of it just now when we were talking about the theft?" Kelsey asked.

Beckett honestly wasn't sure. "I felt... validated? Like it was ok to be upset, I guess? But I don't know how that connects to self-doubt."

"You felt like you were bad at your job, right? That was the main issue?" Kelsey asked.

"Yeah," Beckett replied after considering it for a moment.

"And you don't feel like that now," Kelsey said, leading Beckett to draw their own conclusions. "Why is that?"

"I don't know," Beckett said, rubbing the bridge of their nose. "Because you said a bunch of nice things about these ideas that people keep telling me are too forgiving?"

"I think it's exactly as you said - you felt validated. And what did you say you've been working on with your therapist?" Kelsey asked.

"Gender stuff..." Beckett said with a long sigh.

"And what did you tell me about gender euphoria? What triggers it?" Kelsey asked, recalling their conversation from Beckett's house.

"Are you my therapist now?" Beckett asked with a laugh.

"I may not be in therapy... yet... but I understand the concept. Ask a bunch of questions, let the person give themself the solution," Kelsey said, making it sound far more simple than it actually was.

"Validation. Validation is what triggers gender euphoria for me," Beckett replied. "I just generally need validation to feel good about myself." They didn't know how they felt about that, but it was obvious when they thought about it.

"Boom," Kelsey said triumphantly.

"So validating, not complimenting, might work here too, I guess?" Beckett asked, trying to work out the finer points. "You didn't compliment how I handled the situation. I fucked it up and you didn't just try to make me feel better and say there was nothing I could have done to stop it. Because I could have if I had been paying attention."

"I am certainly not agreeing that you fucked up, but go on," Kelsey corrected.

"But you didn't try to brush it off like it wasn't a big deal," Beckett clarified.

"Yes."

"I guess I may have been doubting that I belong in this profession," Beckett admitted. "But then you said nice things about my ideas and I guess I feel like I'm helping some people, even if I can't help them all."

"See! Who needs therapy?" Kelsey asked jokingly.

"We do. Both of us," Beckett said seriously.

"I know," Kelsey replied, matching Beckett's serious tone. "But this was good, right? Figuring out how to help each other?"

"I don't know if we came to a conclusion about what you can do to help me. We just validated my ability to do my job," Beckett said. They definitely felt better, but they didn't think they actually figured out how to help them.

"You need to feel seen. You need to be reminded of your best qualities when you are facing what you see as your shortcomings. I don't need to try to change your mind," Kelsey explained, "I need to redirect you to your best qualities. Because you said it yourself, people are not their worst moments."

Beckett couldn't fight that logic. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Beckett and Kelsey spent the rest of the night working out the details of Beckett's trip to visit Kelsey for Christmas. They had originally discussed Beckett spending Christmas day with their family, then driving to Scranton that night and celebrating the following day with Kelsey and her mom. But Charlie had taken it upon himself to ask the rest of Beckett's family to celebrate after Beckett was done working on Christmas Eve. Which meant they could be with Kelsey by Christmas afternoon.

"Kelsey is someone you change plans for," Charlie told them. "She's good for you. Don't miss the important things. Meeting her mom is important and you've had plenty of holidays with us. This is your first of, hopefully, many holidays together. Make it special."

Kelsey asked if she should try to fly up for Christmas Eve so she could spend the night with Beckett's family because they were so accommodating. Beckett thought that would be too much and reminded Kelsey that she'd meet the rest of their family at their moms' anniversary party, which was more important to their family than Christmas.

So Beckett would start the six hour drive as early as they could wake up on Christmas morning and hopefully be there by early afternoon. They'd only be able to stay a few nights before having to go back to work, but their company's generous holiday time off policy gave them Christmas Day off, plus their typical two days off that week, plus an extra day so people could spend time with their families.

The policy didn't just apply to Christmas - it applied to any holiday, at any time of the year, as long as they submitted the request at least two weeks before the holiday.

The company's philosophy and business model were the primary reasons why they hadn't looked for another job in years. It was also the reason why they knew they couldn't move unless their company expanded to somewhere that they wanted to move. The chances of finding another employer that reflected the values that were so important to Beckett were slim.

But that was something Beckett knew they'd have to deal with eventually. Because all signs were pointing to their relationship with Kelsey being one that would last a very long time; potentially the only romantic relationship in Beckett's future.

The next couple of weeks flew by and before Beckett knew it, they were watching their niblings rip open presents at their moms' house.

"Kelsey seems great," Beckett's sister-in-law, Jamie, said as she handed Beckett a beer before handing one to her husband, and Beckett's brother, Mickey.

"She is," Beckett confirmed as they took a sip of their drink. "I love you all, but I'm kind of anxious for tonight to be over so I can go to sleep and make the next several hours go faster."

"I don't think anyone here would blame you if you dipped out early," Mickey assured them. "We got Aidan a Switch so he doesn't have to keep bugging Asher to use theirs. Asher brought theirs tonight and so did Ainslee, much to her roommate's dismay. I think they'll all be playing Mario Kart for the next several hours."

"Oh if you don't think I brought mine too and I would miss out on kicking their asses, you don't know me very well, brother," Beckett said as they reached for their backpack to retrieve the game console. "I am ashamed to admit this, but Kelsey has been wiping the floor with me for the last couple of months, but I am getting better and you all have no chance now."

"I would pay good money to see someone beat you at Mario Kart," Charlie said as he took the open seat next to Beckett and snatched the console from their hands.

"Hey!" Beckett exclaimed, reaching to take the console back but failing. Charlie's arms were too long for them to have a chance at getting it back.

"You just said you've been practicing, so I need to practice too," Charlie said, turning his body to block Beckett's attempts to take the Switch back. "That's only fair, B."

"Whatever, you still won't beat me," Beckett said, picking their beer bottle up from where they'd set it on the table and taking a sip.

"You have a friend online," Charlie told them.

"Yeah, that's not unusual," Beckett replied.

Charlie squinted at the screen. "Someone named JusticeBeaver is playing Animal Crossing."

Beckett laughed. "That's Kelsey. She really leans into the whole Scranton being famous because of The Office thing. It's a joke from the show."

Charlie set the Switch on the coffee table and Beckett snatched it back while he pulled his phone from his pocket. "Rookie move, Chucky, you're not getting this back to practice," they said.

"Don't need it. I have a better idea. I'd rather watch Kelsey beat you than try myself," Charlie said as he focused his attention on his phone. "She says she's saving her game now and she'd be happy to embarrass you in front of your family."

Beckett's phone buzzed once in their pocket.

Kelsey: Your brother wants me to show you up in Mario Kart. Are you ok with that? I feel like it will score me some points with your family...