All Comments on 'No Signal'

More please!! 💜

It's like the way I want to lose my virgin cherry, with a big dominant daddy

I'd like it more with a sequel... ;)

I'm not the quickest with my stories and I've got a few lined up but I have got a foundation for chapter 2 :)

My only critique is that this is written in First Person and there were areas that shouldn’t be written. Example: The next sound I heard was his zipper I was still in la la land while he took off his pants ( in first person we only see what the character sees and since he is blindfolded we wouldn’t see him taking off his pants. It could be written like … The next sound I heard was THE SOUND OF A ZIPPER WHILE I was still in la la land INDICATING WE WAS PROBABLY REMOVING HIS PANTS.) Another example is when the bartender said something and you wrote he said with a grin from ear to ear. Again we wouldn’t know he had a grin as we wouldn’t be able to see it. More like it should be written….he said it in a way like a was grinning from ear to ear.

In first person the reader is looking through the eyes of the main character so if the character can’t see it, we as a reader can’t see it either. In third person we could as we would be a fly on the wall seeing the whole scene. There are a lot of these occurrences through out the story that should be corrected. Otherwise I love this story.

Some of the strengths of first person are also its greatest weaknesses. Because the story is told from the perspective of a single character, the reader can only know what that character knows. They can’t know what other characters are thinking or feeling except through body language or if the character says it out loud. Readers also can’t know what is happening in this other part of town or in the next room because the narrator doesn’t know and can’t see it. So writing what another character is doing in a scene can’t be used unless the main character you are writing through physically sees it. They can’t know what other characters are doing in a scene. Like for example talking about what the bartender was doing walking around as first person here is blindfolded. You go between first and third person a lot.

Hot story. Love the horror aspect of the kidnapping, and the way Phil is cold and doesn't give him any kind of comfort or reassurance. But there are a some problems you could easily solve, just by sending your stories to an editor before publishing. They'd fix grammar, spelling, and would've pointed out the Protagonist wouldn't be able to see Phil grinning -- because of the blindfold. Also, I could've done without the needle... I know he was numbed beforehand so it wasn't painful, but it came outta nowhere, and legit made my boner go soft. Would love a part two.