All Comments on 'Not So Much a Camping Trip'

Yes even for a fantasy it’s depressing. Ironically it has huge amounts of potential with only minor adjustments. It’s was obvious in the first paragraph that he fucked up. The reasons are scattered throughout the story with the first one here...

“ Forgetting she had agreed to move to the next level. It wasn't discussed, it wasn't said what the next level was. What is happening! ”

Communication is essential to BDSM. He hasn’t discussed what the next level of submission he’s just charged ahead like a wannabe Dom in sex shop. It’s that one sentence that indicates that the trust between them is broken.

His harsh treatment of her is beyond ridiculous;

“ Arms in a box armbinder tied behind her back, electric shock collar around her neck, nothing covering her bare chest, a crotch rope tied tightly through her sex holding a remote-controlled vibrator in her pussy, a cat tail butt plug in her ass, and her hair in a ponytail.”

Writing a fantasy story isn’t an excuse to describe torture of another person simply because they’re fictional. Sleeping overnight on a “cold hard floor” in restraints and left unattended is beyond stupid, it’s fucking dangerous and irresponsible. At one point it crossed my mind that he hated her and was irrationally angry that she was alive and her sister was dead.

In any story fantasy or otherwise it’s ridiculous of the reader to make assumptions about any part of the story, we are only the observer to events. We can make guesses but that’s all it will be. It’s up to the author to explain and unfold the story as they see fit, that said the author runs the risk of alienating the reader if the treatment of characters as so unusual as to appear barbaric without reason.

So back to our D/s couple with no apparent prior discussions of limits, expectations or proposed punishments. I do want to read more of your story because I think it has potential but so far we have a man who has tortured (Electric shock + crop) and abused (harsh restraint, physical & mental cruelty, zero aftercare) his supposed girlfriend he’s humiliated her, paraded her amongst strangers naked/ near naked making her serve them and letting them paw at her. The mere fact that she plans to obey instead of cry or complain shows a complete lack of understanding on human nature but that’s one of the benefits of being the author you have artistic license. MOST women would be planning on co-operating long enough to get out of that situation to either berate him (in a safe location) and demand answers or to end the relationship and tell him to go fuck himself or option 3 end the relationship and call the police. That’s *most* women, there are 2 more options at either end of the spectrum 1 is to fight him every step of the way and try escaping and the other is to shut down entering a catatonic state from shock. None of the 5 options are erotic, he’s fucked up. The only potentially sexy option is the one you’ve written which is to submit and go through the experience. She doesn’t seem to be harbouring many negative thoughts but she has had negative experiences crying and glaring at the strangers indicates that the very least she was uncomfortable with the situation.

Your story is salvageable with potential to be mindblowingly erotic, he could take her to a private room and explain things to her citing his logic of she needed to experience it to understand what he was trying to do. Their limits could be laid out (yes Dom’s have limits too) along with proposed punishments. If she enjoys submitting to him it’s highly likely that she could even agree to leaving the shock collar on: the idea/threat of a punishment can be very erotic. The two biggest exogenous zones for a human are the mind and skin. Just like a Rape Fantasy (which is CNC) not to be mistaken for fantasy stories about Rape. Nobody wants actual rape it’s a disgusting crime carried out by weak minded losers. The fantasy of being taken, used by someone and being helpless to prevent it is based in BDSM which should be SSC/ RAK. IF those things aren’t applicable then what you have is an abusive fucktard who thrives on having the literal power of life and death over another person. I’m hoping that the latter doesn’t apply to you.

Your writing style is excellent but has some awkward spelling errors - he recorded her orgasm not organism - but spelling is an easy fix. Your characters are relatable and the world building you’ve done is very clever with teases of their current location/ her predicament. I hope my (embarrassingly long) comment doesn’t put you off writing. It’s obvious you have an affinity for it and I’m only one person. If you don’t want to make any changes that’s your call too (but please don’t call it BDSM) there are plenty of people who get off on Torture Porn, I’m just not one of them. Consent is relevant to BDSM.

Best of luck with your writing.

Tess (UK)