All Comments on 'Not Such a Little Girl Ch. 02'

This is a good example of what people were talking about for Chapter 01.

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Jennifer:

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Jennie is so turned her, his mouth on her clit, him tasting his own cum.

(BTW, the first part makes no sense. Her ... what?)

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You have a marker that indicates it's Jennifer's POV, but it immediately starts with "Jennie", which indicates it's Jennifer's POV.

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You pronouns cover the 3rd Person narrator's shift from father to daughter and back again. The constant

Father:

Jennifer:

are covered by the narrative and not needed. Actually, it goes beyond not being needed. Instead of letting the narrative proceed, each one of these acts as a Stop sign, interrupting the narrative flow.

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They would be needed if you were writing in 1st person. You're not. This is 3rd person but the narrator knows everything. When you write "She" obviously the narrator is providing Jennifer's thoughts and actions.

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If this really was in 1st Person with shifting POVs, the last paragraph would have been written as flows.

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Father:

Leaving her a cum filled mess I pull my clothes back on and get in the driver's seat. Taking us home, I am embarrassed at myself, but I know I am weak. I will give in again.

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Oh, and "And gets in the drivers seat. Taking them home." are not sentences. Also, driver's is a possessive, not a plural.

Great intensely hot story. Don’t listen to any criticism. The writing wasn’t perfect, but that’s OK. I really enjoyed it. Looking forward to more.

I made a lot of mistakes in this experiment in writing style, I think I am just not a good enough writer for it. I will leave it at that.

It's not a writing style. It's proof of illiteracy.

You know what ShortieJen...people can be such dicks. They truly do not know how to give constructive criticism or to just shut the hell up if they don't know how to say something that isn't mean spirited or spiteful. What so many people fail to remember on this site is that it is FREE and gives the writer(s) an opportunity to express themselves through writing. It is an opportunity to see if they can do it or to practice the skill. And we get to read everything! What an opportunity for both of us. There are some really good stories on this site and some not as good. Such is life. However if you don't continue to practice and continue on you won't get better. I liked this story. I agree with the changing POV was a little quick. Maybe a sentence or two longer for each paragraph, lengthening it, would make it flow a bit better. And maybe you don't have to put the persons name who is talking at the beginning of each paragraph. It pulls you out of the story a bit and messes with the flow. It would be ok if the names were at the beginning of an actual chapter. So I am looking forwards to reading more of your writing and am clicking on Follow Author so I don't miss a chapter or story. Thank you for your time and this enjoyable read.!!!

I agree with "ameliaplaying". To hell with the naysayers and the ignorant critics. I loved this chapter as much as the first. Keep writing little one. That's an order.

Okay, check out my later submissions. I think I am getting fractionally better.

5 stars. Please continue. A request if you could. Put Jennifer in some sexy lingerie for Daddy. A sheer bra, satin garterbelt, sheer stockings with frilly ankle sox and heels that she keeps on while fucking. Jennifer needs to beg Daddy to fuck her. She should talk dirty and tell him that she loves fucking and will drink Daddy's cum.

Father should cum on her face. Clearly she needs it.

I have thousands of pics of my stepdaughter dressed up in the lingerie described above. Sets in white, black, blue and lite blue. Cheerleader outfits too. Plus sheer bra and panties with white knee high socks.

Everyday I watch Daddy/Daughter porn on half my computer screen and my stepdaughter's lingerie pics on the other. Many a kleenex die a sticky death as I spill my seed shouting her name.

We haven't fucked....................yet!