Of Rectum and Religion

Hance had been waiting for an hour. He checked his watch and that was when Teah walked in. She was wearing a black suit jacket with a blouse underneath, a black shirt, black high heels, and she was pulling a black roll-along travel case.

In all honesty, she looked like a flight attendant for one of those second-rate airlines.

Teah sat in the booth across from Hance. She removed her frameless glasses with the beaded chain attached to the arms. She put her index finger and thumb to the corners of her eyes. She had her hair pulled back in a bun and it was stained with random streaks of gray.

Hance had gray in his beard and in his side burns.

"How you been?" he asked.

Teah exhaled and folded her arms.

"Fine, I guess."

Hance had heard it through the grapevine, but had to be certain.

"So, who's this guy you're seeing now?"

"He's a doctor," Teah said.

"What kind of doctor?" he asked.

"He's a gastroenterologist and gynecologist."

"So, why'd you call me here?" he asked.

Teah unfolded her arms and folded her hands.

"Your daughter's pregnant."

"Pregnant?" he asked.

"Yes. She was fooling around with Germaine and now she's pregnant."

"Why is my daughter when she gets knocked up?"

"Because she's a sinner, like you are."

"She's our daughter, Teah."

"I know that, stupid. I'm the one who split down the middle giving birth to her while you stood there and watched me poop on the delivery table."

"Hey," he said. "I did video tape it."

"You're disgusting, Hance. Like always."

Hance recalled that day at the hospital were Teah had given birth to their only daughter and probably the biggest poo ball in the history of womankind.

"Teah, the point is we have to be there for her."

"Be there for her?" Teah asked him. "I raised that child all by myself."

"You know that's not true. We shared her back and forth. My house and yours."

"See this?"

Teah touched her hair.

"This gray came from putting up with that child for eighteen years. You don't have gray because you didn't have to live with her."

"So you have gray hairs," he said. "Dye it."

Teah folded her arms.

"You're a real asshole."

"You're full of shit," he said. "Who the fuck do you think you are accusing me of not taking care of my child? I'm still paying child support. When I wanted to see Hannah, you did everything in your power to keep her from me, because you were mad at me.

"The only reason you got that gray hair is from worrying and not letting things flow. You can't control everything, Teah. Then, you're on this mid-life crisis shit, trying to stay young so you can keep up with Hannah. You're almost fifty years old. Deal with it."

"You're jealous that I got a house," Teah said.

"My house is paid for," Hance said. "I'm leaving it to Hannah, not you. You're still paying a mortgage and as long as you owe the bank money, that house is really not yours, because they can take it from you. When you only pay property taxes, then you can say you have your own house."

"Leave your house to Hannah," Teah said.

She scoffed.

"What a major investment."

"You wanna know what I think?" Hance asked. "I think you're shitting your panties because you're about to be a grandmother. How can you look down on Hannah like that?"

"Because, she's pregnant and not married."

"That doesn't make her a bad person," Hance said.

"I didn't start having sex until I met you and until I was married."

"Teah, nobody's perfect. Not me, not you, and not our little girl. Now, I'm sorry if you are embarrassed by Hannah, but things like this happen all the time."

"You're making it sound like it's okay. Who's going to help her with that child? You?"

"That's her and Germaine's responsibility now."

"No," Teah said. "It's my problem. And, if you wanna get involved, it'll be your problem too. Who's gonna get stuck babysitting? Me."

"You don't have to do that. You're putting yourself in that position. You're making it sound like Germaine and Hannah won't handle their responsibilities."

Teah didn't say anything for a moment.

She had this thin-eyed, self-righteous look of utter arrogance that Hance had never seen before.

Ever since Teah got that new job, she had changed and Hance took note of this.

"Everything about you is different."

"I'm a Christian now," Teah said. "A new creature in Christ Jesus, a born-again virgin."

Hance asked, "A born-again what?"

Teah held her head up.

"I've been celibate for a year now."

"I'm not buying that," he said. "You're still playing games, Teah. I know you too well. You'll claim that you're a decent woman, then you'll pull down your pants and show a man your asshole to tease him."

"I'm married to Jesus," she told him.

Hance tried not to laugh; he just put his hand over his mouth like he was stunned.

But, her whole holier-than-thou bit was apparent.

"You're still married to me. We've been separated for twelve years. The divorce was never final."

"Your lawyers tried to railroad me," she said.

"We had a pre-nup," Hance reminded her.

"Half the money from those videos was mine."

Hance hushed up.

He had used Teah as a source of income all those years, and she was at least entitled to something.

While waiting for his answer, Teah felt her innards grumbling. A warm fullness pervaded her colon.

"Exactly," Teah said.

She stood up and grabbed the handle on her travel bag. Hance followed her outside. He trailed her to her car. She unlocked the door. Hance took her travel case away and opened the back door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He tossed her travel case in and shut the door.

"I didn't ask for help," she said.

Hance got in.

"Take me to see Hannah."

Teah got in, started the car and drove off.

She steered carefully through traffic.

Hance looked down at her stocking-covered legs.

Teah glimpsed at him and scoffed in disgust.

"I see nothing's changed. Still a perverted dog."

"You laid down with this dog. This perverted dog gave you a daughter and a home, and what did you do?"

"You made videos of me pooping," Teah said. "I did it to make you happy. All I wanted was a piece of the pie; I wasn't asking for the whole thing.

"I gave you whatever you wanted," he said.

"I got an allowance," she answered. "Not nearly as much as what you were making."

"I had to shoot, edit, produce, distribute, sell and market the videos all by myself. It all costs money, money that I earned."

Teah nodded.

"We should have split it down the middle. But, that doesn't even matter now. You decided to be greedy and use me, so I left. I deserved better."

Hance looked at her.

"You had the best."

While Hance spoke his piece, Teah kept her eyes on the vehicle ahead of her; she felt her rectum expanding and eggy gases escaped her bottom and were smothered in the bucket seat in which she sat.

She drove until she arrived at home. She parked and unbuckled her seat belt.

"This is your place," Hance said.

"I know," Teah said.

"Hannah's at Germaine's."

"I have to move my bowels."

Hance laughed and got out of the car. He followed Teah inside and to the kitchen where she looked over some mail.

"Move your bowels?"

He snickered.

"What ever happened to 'I have to take a dookie'?"

"Dookie is not proper for a woman to say."

Teah stepped out of her high heels; she held on to the table and removed her knee-high stockings.

He followed her to the bathroom and stood in the doorway. She went over to the mirror and removed her hair from the bun. She removed her jacket and blouse.

She unzipped her skirt and took it down. She stood in her white granny panties and full coverage bra. She went over to the toilet and turned around with her thumbs at the elastic waist line of her underwear.

"Do you mind?" she asked.

Hance started to leave.

"Hey," she shouted. "I meant close the door."

She took her panties down and sat on the toilet.

"We're not done talking yet."

Teah leaned forward with her elbows on her lap.

She breathed in, and then exhaled to let out a powerful stream of urine. This was followed by an anus-opening, whisper of a fart.

She spread her toes on the rug in front of the toilet and dripped pee into the water below. She rubbed the left side of her tummy with her hand.

Hance leaned on the wall near the sink.

"You were saying..."

"Your daughter needed you," Teah continued while a turd with the breadth of a slim, 8 ounce energy drink can began to move downward toward her open anus.

"Our daughter," Hance said.

"Never mind us," Teah said. "Hannah needed her father, and what did you do? You kicked her out and she came right back to me."

Hance watched Teah thrutch and grunt.

"You'll never get it out that way."

He moved a chair over in front of the toilet.

Teah carefully got up with her legs apart and her cheeks opened as much as possible.

Hance sat on the edge of the tub and watched Teah squat on the edge of the chair, holding on to the back of it with her open butt hanging over the toilet bowl.

Teah put her head down; she did some breathing exercises to push the turd down.

"Let's get one thing straight," Hance said. "I took Hannah in because you slept with her boyfriend; she didn't trust you anymore."

Teah groaned and looked up at him.

"Why are you throwing that back in my face?"

She lowered her head and pushed.

"It's the reason Hannah moved in with me. I told her to leave because I didn't want any boys in my house. I told her if she wanted to lay up with a man, she hads to get her own place."

He watched Teah squat out a smooth, but hefty can shaped stool.

"It's like I said before: you're just shittin' bricks because you're about to be a grandmother."

"Oh God," Teah groaned. "Please, don't say that right now."

"It's the truth," Hance continued. "You wanna bad mouth me, saying I'm a terrible parent. Not only did you sleep with her boyfriend, you ordered twin male prostitutes. Then, you had sex with one of them right in front of her. Then, you told her to do the same thing you did. Do you know how sick that is?"

Teah put her forehead to the chair back while she reached around and spread her cheeks apart.

She bobbed up and down, but the huge, hard turd just wobbled half out of her anus. She got off of the chair and grunted in frustration.

"Okay," she said. "Ordering male prostitutes was wrong. I was depressed. Why do you keep bringing up my past sins?"

Hance folded his arms.

"Why are you blaming me for bad parenting when you're guilty of the same? You taught Hannah that her promiscuous behavior was okay, so don't go flying off the fucking handle when she comes home and tells you she's pregnant. She was asking for it."

Teah kept her head down with her hair over her face. She ran her fingers through her graying hair.

"Why do I have to go through this?" Teah sat back on the toilet and bumped the tank. "Why can't I just have a regular motion like normal people?"

She tried to squeeze off the turd; it was moist and warm, but tightly packed and wouldn't break off unless she did it manually.

"Want me to help?" Hance asked.

Teah shut her eyes and exhaled.

"You might as well since you're here."

Hance left and returned with a hardwood bar stool with a black vinyl seat.

Hance tapped the vinyl seat.

Teah got up off the toilet and leaned forward on the bar stool. Hance got behind her and saw the turd lodged between her cheeks.

He tapped her bottom and she moved up on the stool until her tummy was on the vinyl seat.

She put all of her weight on her lower abdomen.

The sudden and indescribable sensation of the turd slithering down further out of her anus nearly knocked her down.

Teah groaned.

"Lord, help me pass this thing out of my body."

Hance watched the poop arc before to moved out of her gaped open anus and hit the water.

Teah's tender anus returned to its normal knotted balloon size and went back up into her cheeks.

Hance unrolled toilet paper and wiped her.

There was nothing, but a barely visible poo smear on the paper. He tossed it in the nearby waste basket.

Teah looked at the turd in the toilet bowl.

She shut her eyes and turned away. She pulled up her panties and went over to the sink. She washed her hands and went into the clothes hamper. She put on her black tunic shirt and some black leggings.

She found her flip flops near the bathtub and slipped her feet into them.

She came up to Hance.

"That poop really hurt," she said.

She kept her eyes low.

"Thank you for helping me get it out."

Hance stroked her hair.

Teah put his hand to her face.

Hance pulled her close, but Teah's hands blocked him at the chest.

"Hannah's gonna be here soon," She said.

Hance moved away from Teah.

"You two have a lot to discuss," she continued.

Teah got to the threshold.

"Don't use church to push us away," he said.

Teah lowered her head again.

"I'm not."

"You have to believe that Hannah and Germaine will do the right thing."

"The right thing is far from their beliefs. Unless they repent, their works are in vain."

Teah, still holier than thou, walked out.

Hance disliked Teah's arrogant nature, but it made him even more determined to turn her haughty heart away from her fake-ass church family and back into the loving arms of her estranged husband.

Hance would wait to catch Teah in a moment of weakness, so that he could smash the hell out of her and conquer that sweet Southern pussy once again.