On Display

If you've never done it, but wondered, don't wonder, heed my advice and just do it! This is the story of the first time I tried life modelling, a totally true story I hope you will enjoy...

For those who don't know (unlikely given the surroundings), life modelling is the holding of a pose for artists either partially, or completely nude. For me, this is always something I wanted to try but was too scared to because I didn't want to make it sexual even though there are clearly sexual undertones and of course, the exposure is not something you can easily end once you commit to posing though I will concede this was also part of the appeal.

It all started so innocently, I was casually browsing Facebook and noticed an advert, an appeal for models for a local drawing class, they offered €12 per hour and the classes were typically 2-3 hours. I smiled to myself and thought about it before scrolling on but for a day or two the thought kept coming back, each time I would search out the advert and re-read it to tantalise myself. I couldn't shake off the idea and knew each time I searched for the advert, I was inching closer to contacting them. I talked myself backwards and forwards, I drafted messages and deleted them but I kept coming back until I knew I either had to contact them, or somehow drop the idea.

I wrote a simple message acknowledging their advert and simply asking if they still needed a model and hit send. I went to bed and woke up early, my first thought was "ah, they probably wont even reply" upon checking my phone, I had received a reply to which I thought "well, you can always ignore it" but curiosity will usually get the better of this cat so I opened their reply and it was a kind of boundless energy, yes they needed models and they were pleased to get a male model contact them as typically, there were more girls than guys posing. We had a few messages back and forth and I agreed to go for a coffee, after explaining that I'd never done it before the instructor offered to have a chat, a coffee and explain what happens and how the class works in general, no pressure, no stress.

I was nervously excited about the prospect of finding out more, our scheduled meeting was set for a couple of weeks and if I was happy they would look to use me a few weeks after that, I told myself that there were multiple opportunities to bail out or conjure up an excuse to not do it, there would be plenty of time I told myself. I was at work later that day when my phone rang, it was a number I didn't recognise but this is not unusual at work so without hesitation I answered.

Upon answering I was met with an enthusiastic voice that spoke in a cadence that was more familiar than the voice, after confirming I was who they expected to speak to, she introduced herself as the organiser of the life art class. I was immediately on the back foot and when she explained that tonight's model had unexpectedly cancelled and asked "would you be willing to step in?" I was unprepared and without plans I blanked on an excuse so, trying to match her enthusiasm, I agreed. Naturally after the call was over my brain presented me with many plausible excuses but now it was too late, I tried to tell myself I could call her back and apologise but I know that I'm a people pleaser and wouldn't be happy to let someone, especially someone so genuinely enthusiastic, down. I had a coffee and resigned myself to meeting her, we would have to do the intro/explanation just before the artists arrived.

Fortunately, I had a short day at work so left, got home and nervously sat pondering my life choices that had led me to this point, wanting to punk out but knowing myself suggested that I wouldn't. I decided to take the opportunity to do a little arbitrary grooming and may have become a little carried away as I trimmed the leg and chest hair but completely smoothed the rest, I'm sure this wasn't a requirement but something in me decided it would be a good idea, to this day I'm not sure it was... I dried myself off and decided to sit naked for a while to try and calm my nerves and build a little normality in my own mind.

Sitting or walking around the house naked is quite a relaxing thing for me, I gradually talked myself into believing this was going to be ok, might even be fun, after all, it would be a closed group of artists who all know the deal, there should be nothing to be afraid of and no real reason to be nervous. I had about an hour to chill and be nude at home before I would need to put on some clothes and head over, I feel narcissistic just admitting it but I checked my reflection, I'm not a great looking guy but not terrible either, I have reasonably good body but only because I am sporty/active, pretty tall and "athletic" with long limbs.

As I was scrutinising myself in the mirror, I kind of sighed at myself when I reached the middle, I looked carefully, for sure I've seen it every day but still couldn't help feel a slight disappointment looking at the size of my genitalia, on a good day I would describe it as "boyish" but the combination of nerves, the cold and fresh shaving had created a slightly more diminutive than usual appearance but I told myself "it is what it is" and "they're artists, not pornographers!". The time for pondering was almost over, I needed to get myself dressed and head over to the art place, it wasn't too far and being mid winter, I figure its easier to walk than use the car and worry about driving and parking.

Upon arrival, I was greeted by the art class organiser, the woman I had spoken with earlier, her personality was bright and her enthusiasm infectious, she explained how things worked, what we would be doing and asked if I was ok to do 4 hours instead of the normal 3 to which I agreed and the rapid conversation continued of where I get undressed, where to stand, how to pose and a general run down of how the session would go, I explained that I hadn't done this before and she reassured me that I would do fine and that the artists would love me on account of the rarity of male models. While I tried to absorb her information, she paused momentarily and looked a little hesitant to say the next thing but before too long she offered a little apology, she had previously said that there would be 4-5 artists for the session but the estimate was a little out. After announcing they had secured a male model, several more artists decided to join and tonight's class was actually "quite full". It was far too late for me to back out at this point, I didn't know how busy the class would be but for certain it seemed it was going to be more than 5!

About 15 minutes before the class started she moved me to a changing room at the back of the class, away from the low stage and allowed me to get undressed in my own time, she would come collect me when the class was ready to start. It took me about 30 seconds to undress and for the next 20 minutes I sat and stood, total nude periodically checking on my reflection. My nerves were pretty high and the cold walk over had decreased the size of my genitalia even more than it was at home, my testicles hung tight and my foreskin was even tighter forcing my penis to shrink and point forwards (as opposed to hanging down in any way) I guessed it was protruding by less than 1" (2.5cm) as I stood there waiting to be called out.

Eventually, the tutor gently tapped the door and asked if I were ready, she opened it and gave me some final encouragement with a soft "you'll do great" and out I walked. I was quite surprised to see the room was busy, I didn't count but between 25-30 student artists eagerly awaited my arrival to the stage as the tutor introduced me. I was terrified to be standing naked on stage.

As discussed, we did 4 x 15 min poses for s quick sketch and warm up session followed by a short break, during the break I remained nude waiting for the next session which was a 45 min static pose where I had to remain in a single pose as motionless as possible, the initial fer and nerves had subsided very slightly but it was still very embarrassing being perfectly illuminated, standing totally naked on a stage before a large group of people whose sole intention is to study you. As I tried not to make eye contact with anyone specifically I invariably did, each time was quite a nerve wracking feeling and to stand motionless and exposed was harder than I expected and I was relieved at the next break when I could stretch my arms and legs a little, I was encouraged to walk around and take a look at some of the drawings.

During the walk around it was interesting to see the interpretations of my form and the differing styles in which people draw, some had concentrated solely on a hand or my leg while others had composed a larger whole body picture. During the walk around, I surreptitiously took a glance down and confirmed my suspicion. During the last pose, I felt my penis retracting a little, I'm well aware that it does this so managed to stifle my horror at what I saw, knowing full well I had around 2 more hours of posing ahead of me. What I saw when I glanced down was the most aggressive shrinkage usually reserved for cold swimming experiences, my testicles had retracted and my scrotum contracted and even more embarrassing, my penis was entirely retracted with only a small rose-like bunch of foreskin externally giving the appearance of having no male genitalia whatsoever. That I was smoothly shaved served only to exaggerate the minimalist scale of things.

"well, it cant get any worse" I thought to myself as we begun the next 45 min pose, a seated pose where I had my legs together in front of me and was kind of perched, leaning back on my arms behind me, it was a nice pose that yielded some great portraits, it left no doubt in any of the artists mind about how I looked and during the next break I knew my shrinkage had progressed past the point of no return for today so it had, in fact, got worse, the shrinkage of my scrotum was complete and the tiny curl of foreskin previously visible had also contracted further and I had literally nothing to show for myself, the walk around was excruciatingly shameful but I had become quite accustomed to it by now though the harsh retraction of my genitals was not going to reverse by itself, this was my lot for now at least.

The last pose started and though I was still quietly embarrassed standing there, I felt confidently enough to pose more naturally, even though I was in a position that was entirely exposing, I felt more comfortable, so much so that at the 40 mins of the planned 45, the tutor asked if I would be happy to hold the pose for longer, we extended for a further 45 mins to allow the artists in the class to take more time, add more detail and study me further and the additional time allowed for some great portraits, some of the artists produced great drawings in varying styles, some more abstract and some with exquisite detail, like before, some were full body and others focussed on detail. One of the detail portraits, the girl had drawn a close up detailed study of my pelvic area documenting all of the details of my genitalia.

When I finally returned to the changing room, I had been naked for nearly 5 hours, I had experienced a great range of emotions and feelings and the €60 I held in my hand seemed meaningless, I walked home and it felt a little unusual to be clothed and as soon as I could when I returned home I undressed and sat in a naked contemplation of what I had done. Sure I'd made €60 but much bigger than that I felt I'd fully committed to the evening and cleared a very personal hurdle about my own body image, I now felt empowered that my small size was no longer such a personal secret, that some other people knew just how small I was and that (on the surface at least) it just didn't matter anywhere near as much as it did in my own imagination.