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My current mess:

My dad always talked about 'cause and effect', how one action actually leads to something else, how an action can cause an effect of a different nature. My natural thought went immediately to how Kari's action is going to cause our divorce and JT being from a split family. How Kari will eventually remarry and then how another man will raise my son.

I hated her again at that moment.

Then my mind wondered as they often do, 'Did I do something first to cause Kari's cheating?'

Of course, I didn't, I was the one wronged here, not Kari. She did say that I stopped chasing her and our lives became routine, in a rut she said. But surely that didn't constitute her cheating on me. Maybe, withholding sex, or calling me a bastard but not fucking another guy. That was beyond fair or equal, it was downright evil.

But it may have made her acceptable to pretty boy's advances. My dad use to get mad at me when I left the chicken coop gate open at night, he used to say "By leaving the gate open, you are inviting a coyote to come and steal our chickens!" By me not chasing Kari, 'Did I leave the gate open for a coyote?'

If I was the head of my household, 'Am I responsible for not protecting my wife from those with ill intentions?' Fuck no! She is an adult, she's responsible for her own actions. 'But, what if?' ... this was something I needed to work on, 'Does a real man take responsibility for those he's responsible for?'

I know at work, as a manager, if one of my team members screws something up, ultimately, I'm responsible for it. It doesn't mean that they don't get reprimanded for it, but ultimately it is I who has to stand in front of God and everyone and accept the blame and together the team works to correct it.

'Is it the same in a marriage?'

She screwed up and needs to be punished. Should JT be fired, or have to carry the brunt of the punishment if it was Kari who fucked up? A divorce not only punishes Kari, but it punishes JT and me. My head was swimming and I caught the dip of the pole too late and missed the presumed catfish. I re-baited, sat looking at the lake mulling these thoughts over and over.

Everyone has their own definition of what a man is, guess I never really thought about mine. I've done a lot of things that would be considered manly, being a Marine, a cop, a husband, and a father. In both the Corps and in the cop shop, I saw examples of great men and poor men. I've seen men abuse their wives. I've seen men cheat on their wives. I've seen men forgive others for wronging them. I've seen men take responsibility for things that they didn't have complete control over.

'Which of these are the better man?' I asked myself. No one would blame me for dumping Kari and moving on after what she did, both the fucking and the lying. I would be justified, but would I be right? And most importantly, 'Would I be living up to what I think a real man is?'

That was the million-dollar question. A few hours and 4 catfish ago, I was set on divorcing Kari. Now I'm wavering a little. This led me to the next big concern, if I genuinely want to understand what prompted Kari and if I want to keep our family intact, I need to be more of an actor in these counseling sessions. I must participate, and up to now I was just attending.

I truly do love Kari, and she did break my trust, but I think I owe it to both myself and JT to see if the situation is repairable. I picked up my phone and called one of the nicer restaurants in town and got us a reservation for Saturday date night. I figured this was as good a place to start as anywhere, then I texted Kari.

Me: 'Going to McFadden's for dinner tomorrow night.'

Me: 'We have a reservation for 7'

Kari: 'Ok, kind of fancy'

Me: 'It is a date, isn't?'

Me: 'This is me trying, do you want to go?'

Kari: 'Yes!'

Kari: 'I'm sorry, was just surprised, is all'

Kari: 'Should I dress up?'

Me: 'Yes, I hear they have a quartet and a dance floor'

Me: 'Remember anything from our wedding ballroom dance lessons?'

Kari: 'OMG, Yes!'

Kari: 'I would love that'

Me: 'Guess it's a date then?'

Kari: 'Yes, it's a date then'

It was late into the afternoon after I got the fish cleaned and the trailer buttoned up and headed back into town. I was feeling better about this, I guessed it was time that I take the lead role again. When I got back to Kari's, I put the fish in the freezer, and we had a quiet evening. Kari kept stealing glances during dinner and looking away when I caught her. Her look was of puzzlement and wonder. I was kind of curious what she was thinking, but she would skirt the subject when I asked.

"What?"

"Ahh, nothing" was all I got out of her.

Saturday:

In the morning I kept busy with the standard Saturday morning chores, I mowed the yard, trimmed the flower beds and tried to stay busy. I was actually very nervous about our date that night. What will it mean if it goes well? What will it mean if it doesn't? I was still unpacking the mental load I piled onto myself the day before. One thing I did decide, I do truly love Kari.

I needed a few hardware items for some minor household repairs, so I popped into the house and told Kari I was going to make a quick run out.

"Reservations are at 7, would you like to leave around 6:15ish?" I asked.

"Sounds good." Was her reply.

I got the few items I needed and saw a roadside stand with flowers. I stopped and picked up a bouquet.

Kari had dropped off JT earlier and was getting herself ready, when I came in the door.

I got cleaned up, picked out my 'someone is getting married suit', fortunately it still fit. Dressed and made my way through the garage back outside to the front door after collecting the flowers I bought.

I rang the bell at 6:15. "Dean, can you get the door?" Kari called out. When I didn't reply, she made her way to the door and opened it. She was gorgeous. Her slim tight body was wrapped in a red, fitted number that showed her little curves and accented her body. I stood staring at her, absorbing the scene.

"Flowers?" She asked.

"It is a date, isn't?" I responded with a small smile. "Trying to impress this hot chick who lives here ... do you think it'll work?"

"Well, if a handsome hunk with flowers at her door doesn't ... I'm available" she winked as she took the flowers and I followed her in. "I just need a sec ..." she put the flowers in a vase, grabbed her purse and was ready to go.

I opened the door to her Rav, as a man would, who is trying to impress his date. We made small talk on the way to the restaurant, it was obvious that we were both nervous. Once there, we had a small wait for our table and uncomfortably continued the first date chatter. After being seated, we both got a little more comfortable after a cocktail. As dates go, it was awkward. What do you say to the woman who cheated on you or to the man who saw you fucking someone else? We didn't know either, but we chatted about JT, work and stayed away from counseling or anything important. After a nice dinner and a couple more drinks, we moved to a smaller cocktail table near the dancefloor. We watched a few couples dance and they were doing classic ballroom stuff like the foxtrot and waltz. I finally stood and asked if she would like to dance, she accepted and we moved our way to the floor, it was a waltz. We soon found that neither of us remembered our lessons very well and made our way to the side and settled into a simple box-step, senior prom sway.

She felt good in my arms, though she kept her distance some, 8-inch prom dance rule and all. As the music played on, she slipped in closer and closer to me, till her body was pressed against mine. This was the first time in over a month that we had touched each other than a strained casual hug. After a couple of songs, we sat and had another drink, well she did, and I switched to coke since I was driving. We danced more, and the more she had to drink the more comfortable she got and melted into my arms. My erection strained against my pants, and I know she felt it. I could smell her arousal. That isn't what tonight was about, and I wasn't ready to go there so I suggested we call it a night and head back to her house. We grabbed JT from the sitter on our way home I carried the sleeping boy as she let us into the house, and we had an awkward moment outside of JT's room.

"Thank you for such a wonderful night ... I had forgotten how much fun we have dancing together." She whispered.

"You were radiant tonight Kari; I can't believe I almost forgot how beautiful you are when you dress up." I squeaked out. I traced her jawline with my right index finger, leaned in as she lifted her face to me, and I gave her a small kiss on her right cheek. She gave me a look of disappointment, turned, and stomped off to her room the best she could in 5-inch heels. I chuckled and made my way downstairs; it wasn't going to be that easy I thought.

I woke the next morning and felt crushed a little. As I opened my eyes, I realized that Kari came down during the night and snuggled into me. My arm was draped over her and her head rested on the other. She was so peaceful and perfect as she slept there. I liked having her body next to me. I pulled her in a little closer and drifted back off. I woke again an hour later, and she stirred as I did.

"I'm sorry." she stated sleepily "I just needed to feel you next to me again. I miss this so much."

I got up from behind her and I looked down at her. I touched her cheek with the back of my hand, "It was nice. I've missed it too." I grabbed my stuff and went into the downstairs bathroom as she got up and moved back to her room, I watched that cute little ass bounce up the stairs.

I should have been upset; she purposely violated my space but at the moment I wasn't willing to accept this fight. She made breakfast, thanked me for the flowers and wonderful evening again. We chatted but not about anything important, neither of us wanted to break the spell, this was the first time in weeks we were other than civil towards each other.

The rest of that Sunday quiet.

Week 7:

Kari was friendly the first few days of the week and we got along well, she would sneak little touches now and again. Nothing over the top, but the implication of wanting more was there.

Wednesday: Session 6 (both of us)

I wanted to talk about trust this session because I didn't know how we were going to build the trust back between us. I especially wasn't looking forward to this session, I had to confess my lies to Kari from these past weeks. I committed to myself and JT to try and put this back together again, that couldn't be done if I was holding information back from Kari. Up to now, I was on the moral high ground, though my lies and secrets paled in comparison to hers, but a lie is a lie.

Mrs. Watson welcomed us in and invited us to have a seat. She asked about date night and Kari gushed about how wonderful it was and how it felt like when we had just started dating and how much she had missed that connection. I blushed as I watched her excitedly telling her story, not because of the story but because of how she thought we were moving forward and how I was going to destroy that feeling in a few minutes.

After the excitement settled and Mrs. Watson provided some more insight, I spoke up.

"Kari, I do have a topic I want to talk about ... and ... it isn't going to be pleasurable for either of us." My tone was flat, and you could see Kari recoil some, she had no idea what was coming.

"Ok Dean, what would you like to talk about." Mrs. Watson said yielding the floor to me.

"Trust."

"The trust that was between Kari and I was severely broken ... I want to know how we work to get it back?" I mentioned not sure if it was a question or a statement. I looked over at Kari and she was ashen colored, I figured it was because she knew she was being put on the hot seat again.

"Kari, you broke my trust ... but I have done a couple of things lately ... that defied your trust as well." Her eyes welled with tears.

"H ... have yu ... have you been with someone else?" she finally got out.

"No ... but I have kept things from you."

"I saw a lawyer that first week when ... I cua ... I saw you ... and I had him draw up divorce papers." I continued "Until just last Friday, I had fully planned to file after these sessions."

"WHAT! ... you bastard ... your divorcing me anyways?" she said practically screaming.

"I was ... but ... I love you, and ... I truly want to see if we can't figure this out ... but the two things that I keep getting stuck on is trust and respect.

"I haven't had the papers filed yet, and don't plan on it unless we can't figure this out ... I was just showing up to these to appease my lawyer's suggestion, but I've seen the work you are putting into this and I figured I should match your effort." I just sat and looked at her for a minute.

"But, I ... we can't move on if we are hiding secrets." I said.

"Dean, I know you and I knew you weren't giving me your all in these sessions ... I need to work through this ... but I'm glad you have decided that we are worth saving." She fought back the tears a little with a sniffle "Because there isn't much you can't do when you are committed."

"Is there anything else?" she asked timidly.

"Yes, I'm afraid there is and it's a biggy." I didn't give her any time to respond because I knew she was thinking the worst. "I applied for another position within the company ... it's a promotion ... and, it's in Texas.

"I did a phone interview and I went down there to do a face to face a few weeks ago ... and it looks good that they may offer me the position in a few weeks." I said and waited.

She stared at me blankly me for a minute. I could see the wheels turning and she was working through what I just said, "I can't believe you did that without talking with me."

"I did it that first week, I figured we were done, and it was just a matter of time."

"What about JT? ... were you just going to run out on him?!" She asked.

"JT has been my major concern through this whole damn thing ... he's the primary reason I'm sitting in this damn chair ... even considering giving us a second chance!" I was starting to heat up a little.

"So, was that the day you dressed up?" she asked starting to put the pieces together.

"Yes." I replied.

"When were you planning to say something?" She was calming down a little now.

"Honestly?" I asked and she nodded. "When I got the offer, but since I decided I want to see if we can fix this, I figured I should tell you before they offer the job ... this way we might be able to make the decision together.

"I'm not sure I can stay here Kari, every time I see that house or pass the Yoga Spot ... all I can think of us you on all fours taking that bastard's cock!" I probably didn't need to be that graphic, but I wanted to make a point here. Kari retracted a little and blushed as she glanced towards Mrs. Watson to see her blushing some herself.

"Do we have more time to talk about this?" she asked.

"Yes, rumor is that I may know in the next couple of weeks. These processes can take some time." I told her.

"Ok, anything else you have lied about?" she asked curtly.

It was my turn to recoil a little but then my anger flared some, "Nope, now we just need to discuss how I will be able to trust you to keep off your back when I'm not around!" I shot back to her.

Her face reddened and I could see the anger on her face for a second and then she hesitated, because she knew I was right.

"How, can we trust each other Kari? ... how am I going to be able to not worry where you are going or who you are seeing each time you leave the house or when I'm at work?" I asked sincerely.

She started to cry; I knew she couldn't help it; both of our emotions were on tilt during this session. "I don't know Dean ... but, I will make you a solemn promise right now ... I will do whatever you want ... whatever you think ... I should do ... have me followed, read my emails ... whatever you need to trust me." I was impressed that she had actually given this a little thought, I'm sure her and Mrs. Watson probably talked this through some during her first solo session.

"I violated your trust, and I know I don't deserve your forgiveness or trust ... but I want to earn it back." She added.

"That's good." I said, "Because I have two more topics that are going to suck to talk about."

"Ooookay ... go ahead then." She drug out her words slowly and hesitantly.

"Was this the first time you ever had sex with someone since we were married ..." I started then added "Or even when we were exclusively dating?"

"OH MY GOD DEAN!" she exclaimed. "That is the only time, there has bever been anyone else." She stated flatly and then as an afterthought she added "It was the first time I ever needed too." Which came out just above a whisper.

I could tell by her expression that she really didn't mean to say it out loud and it was a snarky comment meant to hurt me.

I think she regretted it immediately.

"Fuck you Kari! ... well that makes this part even easier now."

"Is JT mine?" I asked angerly.

"FUCK YOU DEAN THOMPSON! ... fuck you!" I knew that was going to hurt but felt I needed to ask plus I wanted to dig her back for her snide comment. Kari very seldom used language like that, so I knew I had hit a nerve, she stood and looked like she was about to hit me.

Tears flowed.

I could see the hurt on her face.

I thought she was going to walk out; she just paced a little and then sat down, tears still streaming.

"Yes Dean, he's yours" She managed to get out. Now it was my turn to regret my tone though I didn't regret the question.

"I'm sorry Kari ... this is what distrust looks like ... these are the questions I have been asking myself since this whole thing started." I said calmly and in a monotone voice. I did regret having to ask.

She sat there and looked at me through her tears for a full minute, wiping away tears as they rolled down her cheek.

"I understand ... do you want a DNA test?" she asked

"Maybe ... I just don't know how we are going to build the trust we require to make this marriage work." I mused out loud.

The rest of the session went along the same lines with Mrs. Watson giving us some things to think on and some communication tools that might help with the trust issues and made us promise to talk about the potential job and relocation before our date night, she all but forbade us to talk about it on our weekly date. We didn't settle anything that week, but now it was in the open and we both knew where we stood.

The ride back to Kari's house was quiet.

Around 11, I felt my blanket shift and her lithe body slide in next to me as I lay on the couch. I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into me. I think both of our actions after such an emotional night spoke volumes.

The next morning, my alarm startled both of us awake. She sat up and looked at me as I turned it off.

"After that session, I just needed to feel you." she stated sleepily "You really hurt me asking about JT, I realize it's a fair question after what happened ... but it still hurt and I want to talk more about it."

"We will, I promise." Was all I could manage as I moved around her and grabbed my stuff and went to get ready for work. I could tell she was on autopilot and it was still too damn early for her.

And way too early for any deep discussions or fighting, so I just went on with my morning routine and she headed back to her room.