All Comments on 'Part 01 - Barista blackmails mom'

Great start!

You need therapy buddy!

First off, this didn't make sense. How is this Incest/Taboo?

Secondly: Story did NOT make sense. The MC talks as if he was there, how is that possible when the "dark complexioned 6'0 guy with a potbelly" was in the freezer with his mom?

Thirdly: numerous spelling errors and sentences didn't make sense.

Lastly: why would she enter the school to begin with? Why would the Mc "get the coffee" from asshole male barista? Also...why would there be a coffee shop in a high school to begin with? Also...why the hell was she offered a job there over one "accidental" coffee spill on her dress.

Coffee stains aren't transparent. If she was wearing a "white dress", it'll just look like she pissed herself.

Needs to be redone in my honest opinion.

Really Really in need of assistance, especially for:

Sexual related terms for male and female

Continuity within a story

Spelling

Believability

Probability

I could go on and on.

Editing is a primary requirement.

Proof Reading is paramount.

Perhaps you might locate someone more familiar with 'Americanized English'

It appears thecschool is what might be termed a private school or boys school on America. I attended a boys school and, yes, a coffee shop or snack place is in order.

Please showbthisbto someone more versed in American style English for more thorough discussion.

Don't try to write anymore stories until you learn what Incest is.

It seems English is not your primary language. That's fine. This is a good attempt for a non-fluent speaker.

Not a bad premise of a son having to witness his mom be dominated by a bully. While such stories are already a stretch, you still need a plot that's a little more believable than this. Maybe he whispers some lewd things to her, she gets angry and while angry, accidentally breaks something. He claims it was intentional and that it was recorded on security cameras and she's going to be prosecuted. She says she'll just explain it was an accident while she was angry at his lewd comments. He bluffs saying he has an exemplary record and lots of positive reports of his service and character. You try to interject but are quickly silenced by bully. She pauses uncertain. Now he takes control and asserts he has video evidence that sure makes it look like she intentionally broke it. Being somewhat submissive, she falters, and ends up buying it and begins to plead to allow her to fix it and pay for it. He says that he'll have to make a report of her intentionally breaking it if she wants to pay by cash. She doesn't want that as it would be in the records and potentially ruin her reputation. He offers an alternative that by working there for a month, she can pay it off that way, and if it is broken by an employee during work, they don't have to make a report. etc, etc. Then over the next month, the son comes in with his mom and watches the bully continually dominate her and subjugate her more and more into a sexual plaything.

At the very least, do something a little better than "threw a blanket over her back and they think it was the counter". Wut?

Go ahead and have her hide under the counter. But now she's squatting down right below the cash register and every time he comes to the register, he rubs his crotch in her face. Maybe she has to sit on something in an awkward position that forces her to spread her legs and exposes herself. Maybe sitting on it rubs on her crotch in a pleasurable way. Maybe it makes her even more foggy minded and submissive. Does she ever reach out and use her hands? Maybe defensively at first? Less so after 20 min sitting on that pleasure seat? After the lunch rush, maybe he tells her he sexually harassed him. She denies it, but when he says "Don't deny it. You rubbed my crotch when I was using the register, didn't you?!" While it didn't start that way, it was almost true by the end. But to say that in front of her son... She momentarily turns red and ashamed and says nothing. But before she can collect herself and deny and attempt to explain, he quickly points out her reaction and asserts that this is proof and confession. He starts saying that here she is in a school cafe, having confessed to sexually harassing an employee after taking her own top off and sitting around half naked and trying to rub the employees crotch the whole time. It's a gross distortion and misrepresentation, but she's too submissive and foggy to put up much objection at this point. So he has no choice but to report this.

Then the rest of the story can play out similarly.

Again, decent premise, but man make the actual plot something almost sort of kind of in the same zipcode as something one can believe in.

And as others have pointed out, please find an editor to help with language missteps. I'm gonna give this version a 2. The premise is decent. With an editor and just a couple small tweaks to the plot, I could give it a 3 or even a 4 if you expanded on the thoughts going on in the mom's mind a bit more - how the humiliation was affecting her.

I'd encourage you to remove this version, do a slight rewrite (with assistance of an editor) and repost it again, before you continue on.

Keep writing.