Paying the Piper

I loved you with all my heart, mind, and soul... and you pissed on it and threw me away. At this moment I hate you with a pure hatred. How the fuck could you?

Rick

When Bennett ventured out of his room an hour or so later he found that Rick as gone. He also discovered the note and took it to Cindy the next morning. He was going to take it right to her, but he stood outside her door as she wept, and he didn't have the heart to give her what had to be more terrible news. He cursed and blamed himself for being so casual in their tryst. He was always on his toes, he should have been alert to potential catastrophe, but he wasn't and now someone for whom he cared a great deal was broken and he had no power to help heal. Later, after her sobs subsided and it was clear she had dosed off for a bit he crept into her room and placed the note on the bedside table. He then went and stood guard by her door, why he wasn't sure, but he felt he had to do something.

Cindy awoke around 6 AM after 3 short hours of tossing and turning. She hadn't meant to sleep at all but the emotional turmoil had worn her out. She rose, washed her face and peed. She began to cry again as she exited the bathroom and that is when she saw the note. Cindy prided herself in being strong for herself, her family and her friends, but as she looked at the envelope she was completely undone. She already knew it would be bad, even terrible and she also knew she deserved whatever message Rick had delivered. Quietly, with tear-filled eyes she sat on the bed opened it and read. Once again, she collapsed on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

Bennett entered the room knelt down next to her and held her. She clung to him. In her heart she wanted to blame him, lash out at him for seducing her but she knew their "relationship" was a two-way street. She remembered the first time when he demanded she agree she was all in, or he would stop then and there. She also remembered Lori's warnings. No, Cindy realized she was a lot of things, including some very bad things, but she wasn't a victim. She made her choices and now she was going to have to live with them.

"I'm going home as soon as I can pull myself together Bennett. I don't know what will happen, but I must face the music."

"I know Cindy, I wish it could be different, but I know you well enough now to know you won't run and hide or shift the blame for your decisions. You are an amazing woman and friend, if I could take this from you I would, but I know I can't. Just know, I'm always here."

"Thank you, Bennett, I truly hope none of this will hurt you but who knows? I may call you and give you an update when I see where this stands, but I think we should both prepare ourselves to know we may never speak to each other again."

He hugged her tightly, as a friend, not a lover, simply said, "I know" then got up and left the room quietly closing the door behind him. He told the staff to bring her car around but give her space. She had a difficult family situation come up and she was a bit upset this morning. The newer staff shook their heads yes and went about their business. The veterans were not fools, they knew who Mr. Thomas was and what had happened. There was a pall over the entire property the rest of the day.

When Cindy was 15 minutes away from her home, she texted Rick. "!5 minutes out, any chance you could come back after the kids are asleep and we can talk? All my fault but hoping for a way forward. Cinderella"

Rick replied, "I'm ready to go, kids have had dinner. This is our last contact until I reach back out to you Cindy. Please honor my request."

She teared up again as she realized it was most likely the name "Cinderella" would never come from his lips again. She was no longer his loving wife and best friend; she was his cheating whore wife who disrespected him in the most terrible possible way... in the arms of another man. What would become of all of them?...

At the end of what was, for Cindy, the longest week of her life Rick called her. She answered halfway through the first ring.

"Hi Rick, I'm glad you called" she said in a kind and hopeful tone of voice.

His was flat, "Cindy I'll be coming home this afternoon around 5 PM. I've kept up with work all week, somehow..." He began to choke up before he could catch himself, there was a painful pause. She waited... "I will put on my poker face and try to be myself around the kids. I'm praying I have the strength to do that for three hours. Then I will go to bed in the spare room and won't speak to you until tomorrow morning when the kids are up. I'll make sure I'm up early so they don't notice our sleeping arrangements. Is that acceptable to you?"

"Yes Rick" Cindy said softly, "whatever you think is best." "When do you think we can talk?" She didn't want to press too hard, but even though she knew all of this was her fault, she was dying inside for some understanding of what was going through his head.

"I have Mrs. Bowling lined up for babysitting Sunday afternoon. We can find a private corner of the park to go sit and talk then. I think it best if we stay with the kids together all-day Saturday since we're not sure how many, if any more days we will have together with them."

His words "if any" caught her like a surprise blow to the stomach. She wanted to vomit at the pain she was hearing in his voice. She'd never heard him anywhere close to this before. He'd always been strong, even when the going was tough. Then again, it had never been this tough. Betrayal was a cruel task master. "OK honey" was all she said.

"Cindy" Rick replied in a tone so flat and void of emotions it shook her to her core. "Please never speak to me in terms of endearment again. I'm not honey, or baby and you certainly are not my Cinderella. We're two adults who are in a god-awful nightmare and we won't be able to wake up anytime soon, if ever. Don't use words that pretend to offer love or affection to me... ever again.... Please." He hung up without waiting for a response. Cindy slumped in her chair, her shoulders shaking as she wept.

Somehow, they managed through Friday night pizza and movie, even laughing a bit at Michael's description of why he thought the family should buy a dog. Saturday was more of the same, pretending everything was fine. Once or twice they thought Sara was feeling something was off, but they doubled down and tried that much harder to be the loving couple in front of their children. The worst moment was when Michael called for a "group hug" as they walked along the beach. The dead look Cindy saw in Rick's eyes almost undid her even as his hug was firm, lying about his true emotions.

Sunday morning was pancakes and lounging around in PJ's. Rick announced to the kids that mom and dad were going out together and Mrs. Bowling was going to watch them that afternoon. Sara and Michael were not excited about the idea. They wanted more family time together, but their dad was firm, so they scampered off to their rooms to change for the rest of the day.

When they arrived at the park they walked for some time until they found a quiet out of the way spot that had a small picnic table. Rick sat facing the park, opposite Cindy. "Just like him" she thought, "He always wants to be able to see the crowd around him, to know if any trouble is coming his way."

"I'd like you to go first, if you don't mind," Rick began. "I'm afraid if I speak first, I won't be able to control my words. I promise I will not interrupt you and want you to say whatever you want to. It is up to you if it takes 5 minutes or 50. It is important to me that you have your say. If that is acceptable, please feel free to begin any time you want."

Cindy thought for a moment. It felt a bit like a negotiation and in that setting she never wanted to speak first. However, she had caused this so it was only right that Rick be allowed to move the conversation forward as he believed best."

"Sure" Cindy replied trying to sound supportive of his wishes. "I'm not sure where to begin Rick. I've been thinking about what I would say since last Friday nig..." she let that drop. She couldn't bring herself to think back to that moment and the horror, hurt and utter despair she saw in his eyes. "You deserve the truth, and I will try to give it to you."

"I've been in a physical relationship with Bennett for the better part of 8 months." He put his head in his hands at this disclosure but then looked up as if to say, 'go on.' "I've never been attracted to a man or had any type of inappropriate relationship with anyone prior to meeting him. I didn't seek him out nor did I pursue him because of anything lacking in our relationship. While I didn't pursue him, I cannot say I resisted his friendship and flirting. I realized early on that while the business side of this could be amazing, for the first time ever, I was drawn to someone other than my husband. I'm not defending him, and I'm not trying to make this worse for you than it already is, but the first time we were together he stopped me before our first kiss and made me decide if we would move forward or not. He said he didn't want to push himself on me and only would continue if I wanted it as much as he.

I kept going. I wasn't forced or coerced. Nobody made me do anything I didn't want to do. I can't say yet, why I was attracted or did what I did, but I'm not going to play the victim. Whatever comes of this between you and me lies squarely on my shoulders. "Bab... she quickly corrected herself, "I'm sorry, Rick, I want to tell you I love you with all my heart, that this meant nothing to me and beg you to forgive me and give us a chance to heal. But I know now that I've kept back a part of my heart from you these last few months. You didn't notice any difference, at least, I don't think you did. But when I was with you a tiny part of me was somewhere else... with Bennett."

"If it wasn't, I would never have done what I did. I lied to you, and I lied to myself. I told myself I did love you completely, that this would pass, and everything would be just fine. You would be blissfully ignorant, and we'd raise our kids and grow old together. I guess deception starts with yourself before you can deceive others. So, I betrayed everything that I have held dear. I have no idea how this will turn out and how it will affect our children, but I know it won't be good even if our relationship is salvageable."

"Finally, at least for this first conversation, I do want to say how terrible I feel about what I have done. Sorry, doesn't begin to describe my emotions. I'm not sorry I got caught. I am devastated for what I have done to the only person who has ever loved me unconditionally for who I am. Whatever becomes of us, I will need to dive into that with some professional help. I've fucked up more royally than I thought possible. I always thought I was a pretty good person. I've discovered, probably too late, that I'm not. I have deep flaws that are ugly. They are mine, no one else. I'm responsible. I'm so deeply ashamed and want you to know that."

Rick head was bowed, and he was crying. It was good they were in an out of the way spot because his emotions were overwhelming. Joy, contentment, friendship, love and mutual respect had all been stripped away and replace with despair, grief, loss, humiliation and emptiness. He wanted to respond in anger, to shout at her and revile her, but he didn't have it in him. She probably would have welcomed a tirade over the soft sobs coming out of his mouth. Once again, it hit her like a ton of bricks, how much she had taken from him.

After 10 minutes that seemed like 10 hours, he finally gathered himself together and spoke. His voice was barely above a whisper, but it was not weak. It was matter of fact.

"Cindy, I don't know if this is the last time, we will ever speak alone together just the two of us as husband and wife or not. I'm still trying to sort out my feelings. I appreciate you not disrespecting me more by telling me you love me, and it was all a mistake, only sex, nothing more etc. I thank you for being honest about what has happened. At least I'm assuming you're being honest, but I guess ultimately, I'll never know." It was Cindy's turn to put her head in her hands in despair. What he said was true, but it hurt like a mother fucker. She fought to look back up at him as he continued.

"You've been fucking Bennett for eight months behind my back once a month or more. You are right, I was completely ignorant of your actions, because I trusted you with everything, my love, my heart, my life itself. I know I can never trust you again. Cinderella is dead and there is no prince charming to come to the rescue. I've never been hopeless in my life, and I hate how it feels, but I think it is the one honest, unclouded emotion I recognize in my heart."

"I don't know what I'll do but I won't divorce you now or anytime soon. I heard a psychologist once say in a lecture, 'if you are married with kids and are thinking about getting a divorce, go out and throw yourself in front of a bus. Children can deal with loss so much better than the choice of abandonment that comes with divorce.' That always rung true with me but I never thought I'd be in a spot where it applied to me."

"However, the alternative of 'playing house' for the next 11 years until the twins graduate and go off to college is untenable to me. I cannot abide the thought of it. I can hardly bring myself to look at you much less pretend we're who we were. So, about 48 hours into this unmitigated disaster, I'm stuck; hopeless and despairing. I see no way forward. I'm going to talk to a counselor this week and see what she may have to offer." Cindy looked hopeful at this. As if to read her mind Rick quickly added, "I'm not doing it for you or our marriage, I'm doing it for my sanity and with the hopes that I can find a way forward that will allow me to keep at least a small shred of my dignity and love my children well."

Rick paused her and Cindy asked, "Where will you and I stay? Should I get a hotel or a small apartment?"

"I want us to stay in the house for now" Rick replied. "I think if I have an overnight business trip once a week to give me breathing space, and you go away for at least two 'work weekends' in the next month like you normally do, I can abide it. What you do, where you go and who you spend your time with when you are away is up to you. I won't let myself care about you right now, so if you feel better in Bennett's arms knock yourself out."

"Rick I have no plans to.." Cindy began to protest. Rick held up a 'talk to the hand' sign. "Please stop right there Cindy. You are acting as if you are talking to someone who cares about what you do, who you fuck or don't fuck, how you slut around or don't. The only way I'm still breathing right now is to care about you, the same way you've cared about me the last 8 months. You didn't give a rat's ass about me or my life, now I'm making the same choice with you. Perhaps the counselor can help me find a better way to protect myself, but until then, you're on your own."

They both sat and cried for the next half hour without saying much of anything. No hands were held across the table, no soothing 'we'll find a way through this,' words. Arms crossed, heads down, crying. Lori's prophetic warning had come true. The piper had come calling and the payment was more than Cindy felt she could bear. At that moment, she had no way of knowing the piper had not yet fully arrived.

For the next month they lived a surreal life. They pretended things were normal and good in front of the kids. They went to Sara's soccer games and Michael's karate lessons. They were convincing at their parent teacher conference in the middle of the month. Miss Snyder never detected that anything was amiss. After the children went to bed, behind closed doors it was a different world. Cindy looking pleadingly at Rick for some willingness to talk and Rick doing everything he could to keep from coming completely apart. Cindy had taken responsibility, perhaps unlike some wives would have done, but that didn't erase the betrayal and humiliation Rick felt.

Each week Rick would tell the kids he had an overnight business trip and would leave late afternoon and not return until supper the next night. He used this time to walk and think and plan for a way forward. He knew if he were to go on, he'd need to keep seeing his counselor for a long time to come.

Rick had made partner in his firm because he was great at analytics. He could measure the upside and downside of investments better than most. He had a keen eye for details and even the smallest opportunity or risk didn't escape his notice. He now applied this thinking to his home life.

"Positives and negatives of staying with Cindy?"

"Impact on the kids long-term and short-term of staying together in a lie or getting a divorce, or...???"

"How would the firm take it if this came out? Part of why they like me is / was my commitment to Cindy and family."

"How will finances work going forward in divorce or in marriage, or...???"

"What will Cindy do with her business? Continuing with Bennett's hotels is a nonstarter but is she aware of this?"

"Is Cindy just sorry for what has happened, or does she want something different and better in her life? There was pain in getting caught but how will she come to grips with who she has become and what she's done?"

"What are all my options? Is there something besides divorce or staying together?"

It was this last question that finally grabbed Rick's attention as the best possible pathway. There was a third option. It was radial, it would be incredibly difficult to pull off, but perhaps it would provide best for everyone concerned, even him. So, on the third 'business trip away from home' evening, Rick sat on the patio of the Marriot Courtyard where he had been holing up. He began to look at his solution from every angle and perspective. His planning would have to be precise and the execution even better, but maybe... just maybe...

It was two weeks later, the plan still in the formative stages but, in Rick's mind coming together well enough that he decided to have a serious conversation with Cindy. He knew it could last a couple of hours, but it had to be done. He arranged for Mrs. Bowling to babysit and then intentionally drove with Cindy back to the park where they had their first conversation about her cheating. Back at the same picnic table where the disaster was laid bare before both, they continued the conversation. Rick began.

"Cindy, I know the last few weeks have been terrible for both of us. I appreciate you honoring my request for space and time to think. I want to share a few things with you and then give you the opportunity to respond. I hope that is OK with you." Cindy nodded her head yes and he continued.

"I don't want to rehash everything that has happened, especially the night I stumbled upon you and your boyfriend Bennett. I've already told you that I am crushed beyond words. I'm not a perfect person or a perfect husband but I've always been 100% committed to us and our children. I've never cheated on you, even in flirting with other women. The thought of somebody replacing you in my heart is unimaginable. I was smitten from the day I met you and I thought you felt the same. Complete together, not needing anyone else. I just always assumed we would grow old together. I was wrong about the depth of your commitment to us and about any chance we would have to remain husband and wife."

Cindy looked at Rick with longing in her eyes. "Rick," she pleaded, "I know I don't deserve a second chance, but I hope we can consider some way to address the hurt and betrayal I've brought into our relationship. I don't want to give up on us, I want to work with all my strength and every fiber of my being to see if we can stay together."