Perspectives Series: Jess Pt. 02

Martin sent me my boxes and I got pretty much settled right away. I rented furniture. You can rent anything these days. I did not rent a television, however. That was something I wanted to buy. I dragged out the process until I picked the exact one I wanted. I didn't have anything else to do.

In my mind, I had always counted on Jess coming with me. She always talked about how much she missed living in Dallas. It never occurred to me that I might be living alone. I don't think I was prepared for it.

I'd gone out after work with a guy named Doug a couple of times. He'd been married for a little under a year, and they were expecting their first baby. They already knew it was going to be a boy. Mary was not having a good pregnancy. She was sick all the time.

Doug didn't dare leave her alone for very long, so our outings were pretty short. I'd met Mary once, briefly. I went over to their home to check out Doug's little pet project. He was working on a stained glass window. It was far more elaborate than I had expected it to be. I left early because Mary started feeling badly, again.

By the time September and October rolled around, Doug and I were becoming good friends. Mary was feeling much better, and so Doug was able to get away more often. He finally got up the courage to ask me about my love life.

"I don't mean to pry, but why aren't you married, Simon?"

I laughed, "I think you do mean to pry, Doug, but that's OK. It's a fair question. I guess I just haven't found the right gal, yet."

"Have you come close?"

"Oh, yeah. Once, anyway. Recently."

"Oh, sorry man. You never talk about it or anything. I talk about Mary all the time."

"It's not a problem. I'm OK...I'm the one who left."

"How come? Was she cheatin' on ya?"

Suddenly I realized why I didn't talk about it with anyone...Because it really was my fault.

"No, the other way around."

"Oh...shit!"

"Yeah, it's a long story. I don't want to go into it right now. There's a lot more to it. It just wasn't going to work out."

"It's OK, man. Mary has some single friends we could hook you up with if you want."

"We'll see. I don't really want to get into another relationship right now."

"I hear ya. Me, either."

We both laughed and went back to watching the Cowboys get beaten by the Patriots at home.

A few days later, I received a call from Martin.

"Hey, Martin...what's up?"

"Nothing much. How about that game?"

"Yeah, it was a slaughter. How are Teresa and Jill?" I said that to get on his nerves.

"They are both fine. Teresa came home with some news that I thought you might like to know."

"She's pregnant?"

"No, but you're close."

"She is fat?"

"Very funny. No. Jessie is pregnant."

"What?"

"T saw her in CVS Pharmacy the other day. You know how the exit door faces the entrance...she saw Jessie from the side and she is definitely pregnant. I guess she has moved on."

It dawned on me that I never told Martin about Jess going off the pill, so he was assuming the baby was someone else's.

"Are you still there? Simon?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"That's pretty much the reason I called. Nothing new has happened here. Did you get that last e-mail I sent with the link in it?"

"Yeah, I got it. I can't go to websites like that from work. I'm going to have to use my home laptop."

"It's hilarious! Call me after you've seen it."

"Ok, I will. Talk to you later."

"Later."

I sat in silence, trying to gather my thoughts. Jess is pregnant...with my child. She's got to be four months along by now.

I had put the thought out of my mind that she could be pregnant back in July. I thought that if she were, she would either get an abortion, or try to reach me through Martin. It never occurred to me that she might keep the baby and not tell me. I started to get a little pissed off thinking about it. What the fuck?! Did she think she would raise our baby on her own? That's real smart!

I thought about the words she said to me before I left. Maybe she was pissed off that I hadn't asked her to marry me. I mean, on top of the whole infidelity thing. That would explain why she didn't tell Martin she was carrying my baby.

And if that was true, then maybe she didn't really mean what she said about living an alternative lifestyle. Maybe she just said that because she thought that was what I wanted to hear. Then everything that made me want to leave was really a misunderstanding.

I sat and thought about the possibilities for a long time. I hadn't thought of all the other explanations before. I didn't want to. It was so much easier to just start a new life and forget all about it.

I came to some painful conclusions about myself that I hadn't really wanted to face. Maybe I left there to punish myself for being unfaithful.

The bottom line was that I still loved her, and I probably always would. I didn't want her to raise our baby without me. I can't just sit here and do nothing. I have to do something. I need to come up with a plan.

Chapter 16

I could tolerate the gasps and the sighs when I told people I was pregnant. What I couldn't stand was the lecturing. Everyone had advice or knew someone who could help me. I'm so tired of being a 'pity' case. I'm not dying, I'm pregnant. This should be a happy time.

So when they asked me at the doctor's office if I wanted to know the sex of the baby, I was ecstatic that I might be able to humanize the whole experience better for other people. I wouldn't refer to the baby as it anymore, but as she or her. I was going to have a baby girl.

The idea of raising a girl on my own frightened me more than having a boy. I don't know why. I guess I just knew what to do with boys. I mean, I was always a tomboy growing up, and so I knew all about baseball and football, and stuff like that. I don't know anything about dolls or stuffed ponies or whatever little girls play with. And she'll look to me for advice on what to wear, and what to say, and how to dance. Girls are curious...she'll want to know about her daddy -- why he isn't living with us. I won't know how to handle any of this.

I was sitting around the house one Saturday morning in October, checking out the Consumer Report ratings on baby strollers. There were so many recommended picks, I wanted to just give up on the whole thing. My doorbell rang, and much to my surprise, Jill was standing on my porch. I peeked around the corner to see if Martin was with her.

"Jill! What a surprise to see you! Come in."

It was too late to cover up my bulge. I was really getting past the point of being able to hide it in any clothing, anyway. I quickly connected the dots in my head from Jill, to Martin, to Simon. I knew there would come a time when Simon would find out. I really wasn't trying to hide it from him. I just didn't see any point in running out to tell him, either.

"I'm sorry to just drop-in on you like this."

"Oh, it's OK...You're always welcome in my home, Jill."

I could see Jill struggling with how to form her next words.

"I saw you walking in CVS Pharmacy the other day. How...how is the...how is your pregnancy coming along?"

"Good. It's going well, actually. I'm having a girl."

"Congratulations! That's wonderful. I'm happy for you!"

"Thanks, Jill. It's nice to hear that. You'd be surprised how many people can't hide the fact that they are uncomfortable about me being a single mom."

Jill's face changed from genuine happiness to near-tears in a matter of seconds.

"What's wrong, Jill? Are you OK?"

She nodded, "I'm pregnant, too."

My first reaction was one of shock, but I very quickly recovered.

"Oh, that's fantastic! Congratulations!" I hugged her and then I realized, "Martin?"

"Yes. I haven't told him, yet. To be honest with you, I haven't decided whether or not to keep it."

I didn't know how to react to this news. I had clearly made my choice, and I quickly surmised that she was there to interview me to find out if my choice was best for her, too.

"I can't tell you anything that will make your choice any easier, I don't think."

"Oh, I know. I think I'm going to keep it. I want to have a baby. I have always wanted one. I have 4 brothers and sisters so I can't imagine life without children."

As Jill was talking, I heard her phone buzz. She had it set to vibrate. She glanced at the screen, and then put the phone away without answering it.

"What about Martin; does he want to have children?"

"I don't know. He likes kids and everything but...I don't know how he's going to take this."

I decided right then and there, that Jill's situation was far more complicated than mine. I felt a little guilty that it made me feel a little better about my situation.

"Are you scared, Jessie?"

"A little. Well, maybe a lot. Actually, I think scared to death probably describes it best."

Jill laughed. "Are you going to marry the father?"

I sat back. Jill didn't know that Simon was the father. She assumed that I was seeing someone else.

"Jill, how much do you know about what happened between Simon and I?"

Jill cocked her head to the side and bit her lip. She would have to betray Martin's confidence to answer my question.

"Not much. He left for Dallas in a hurry. He didn't tell Martin why."

Dallas?! I was surprised to hear he wasn't living in Kansas City, and a little relieved. That explains why he hasn't come by. I also felt a little excited that he was in Dallas, but I wasn't sure why. I very quickly decided not to say anything to Jill about that part.

"Simon is the father."

Jill's eyes lit up with excitement and then her face changed to confusion.

"Does he know?"

"I don't know. I haven't told him, but I can only assume Martin told him I was pregnant."

"Oh, yeah...Martin called Simon and told him a couple of nights ago, but he thought you were dating someone else."

"Well, if Simon believes that, he really is in denial. He knew there was a chance that I was pregnant back in June."

Jill's phone vibrated again. She looked at the screen and then placed it back in her pocket.

"Then why didn't he ask you to marry him like he planned? He already had the ring and everything."

Her words cut right through me like a knife.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, yeah, sweetie. Simon bought you a ring when he was living in Dubai...like, in January or something. I remember it was right after Christmas. The night Simon arrived in KC, he told Martin he was going to pop the question the next day. Martin met me that night and told me all about it."

I was dumbfounded. How did he go from wanting to pop the question to walking out and never talking to me again?

"Did he tell Martin why he never asked me? Or why he left so abruptly?"

"No. Simon likes to keep his relationships private. Especially after what happened with Sarah."

I wanted to ask about Sarah, but I was afraid that I only had a certain number of questions before Jill would start to feel guilty about betraying Martin. I nodded like I knew what she was talking about.

"Jill, do you know if Simon saw anyone else while he lived in Dubai?"

"He didn't see anyone that I know of. He was so heartbroken over taking that contract and leaving you behind. Even after Martin told him that Teresa saw you with another man, he still didn't date anyone."

"Another man? Where?"

"She said she saw you at the grocery store with someone. I never believed her. I don't know why Martin believes her. It kills me."

I turned my focus back to Jill.

"How do you handle that whole thing with Teresa?"

Before I could finish the sentence, Jill's phone vibrated again. She looked at the caller ID and rolled her eyes at me. "Martin."

"Has he been calling you this whole time?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn't you answer it? It could be an emergency."

"Oh, no...he calls like this all the time. He's such a baby. To answer your other question: It never really mattered to me that Martin lived with Teresa until recently. I'm pretty independent and I like living alone. But now...I'm not sure I want to do this alone."

"I know exactly what you mean. But if this is something you want to do, you should do it, regardless of what anyone else thinks. You'll figure out the rest as you go along."

I don't know where those words came from, or why I said them. It's not like me to pump up other people. I'd never been a very good cheerleader. I guess because she was in a similar situation, I felt it necessary to try to help out.

We talked for another half hour or so about being pregnant, and about Martin. Jill confessed that she had managed to fall in love with him. I couldn't imagine how at first, but the longer we talked, the easier it became for me to see Martin in a different light. I had only witnessed the wheeler-dealer, slick, heartless version of Martin that existed with Teresa. With Jill he was more vulnerable. He was loving, and needy, and childlike, in a way. I almost started to like him.

We both stood up as we were wrapping up our visit. There was one more question that had been on my mind.

"Jill, I don't know a good way to ask this, so forgive me if I fumble it a little...What made you want to come here today? I don't want you to think you're not welcome; you are. I'm just curious."

"Oh, I didn't take it the wrong way. I wanted to talk to someone about pregnancy and you're the only one I know who's pregnant. And..." She paused for a few seconds before continuing.

"And I thought that maybe Simon was the father, even though Martin didn't think so. I wanted to find out for myself. I'm sorry."

"No, it's OK. I suspected that was the reason."

"I've known Simon a long time and I just love him to death, but I also know that he keeps a lot to himself. I don't know why he left, but I know when he finds out about this, he is going to come running back. Simon has never loved anyone like he loves you...at least not since I've known him."

My left hand cupped my mouth as I started to sob. I'd been trying to be strong and not think about him, but her words brought him right back.

"I miss him so much, it hurts." I managed to say between sobs.

Jill wrapped her arms around me and tears welled-up in her eyes.

"Why didn't you call him, honey?"

"I didn't think he wanted me, and I don't want us to be a burden."

"Oh, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Look at me, Jessie." Jill held my face in her hands. "He loves you, sweetheart. You need to know that. I know Simon as well as anyone." Jill went back to hugging me, "It's going to be alright. Everything is going to work out, you'll see."

I nodded as I wiped my tears. I took a deep breath and we both start chuckling at how silly we were. Two pregnant women standing in a foyer, crying over men. I could hear Jill's phone buzz again.

"You better answer Martin's call before he does something stupid."

"I think we're already there." Jill pointed down to her abdomen.

"How did you get pregnant, if you don't mind my asking?"

"Ah...well...um...Martin and Teresa haven't been using birth control for a long time. They never went and got tested, because Teresa had gotten an abortion when she was like 18 or something so they knew she could get pregnant. We all thought that Martin was the one with the fertility issue. A few months ago, I started having hormonal problems so I stopped taking the pill." Jill started to smile and chuckle a little. "I hadn't thought of this 'til now but I guess Teresa is the one with the fertility problem after all."

I nodded, "Well, it sure isn't Martin."

We both laughed.

"Thanks for stopping by, Jill. It was really good to talk to you. Call me and let me know what Martin says."

Jill's eyes met mine, and I knew that she wanted to say that she hadn't decided what she was going to do. But I knew different. She had decided to keep it, and she was going to tell him. What happened from there was up to Martin.

Jill left me her phone number and we made a pact of secrecy. She stood to lose the most if I leaked her secret to anyone.

After Jill left, my mind went numb. I replayed our conversation in my head. I was still having difficulty digesting some of it. Simon had a ring?!

I had been worried about telling Simon about the baby because I didn't want him to feel pressured into a commitment. The thought even crossed my mind that Simon might think I trapped him into this somehow.

Why didn't Simon ask me? What went wrong? The realization that I would be married by then, hit me. I started to cry again. How many more tears could I have for this man?

I allowed myself a good, healthy cry that Saturday afternoon, before I sucked it up and decided to go to the store. I put on a large jacket, grabbed my purse, and hit the garage door opener on the wall of the garage. As the door began to rise, I was reminded of my sunglasses. I seem to be forgetting everything these days.

I set my purse down on my car and went back into the house. I walked out the door with my sunglasses on, a little blinded by the afternoon sun. A silhouette stood in the doorway, and it startled me. Before my eyes could adjust to his face, or see the Volvo parked behind him, I knew who it was.

Chapter 17

I froze like any prey that wishes to be invisible to its predator. It didn't help, of course. Simon isn't a T-Rex.

"Hi, Jess."

"Hi."

I swallowed hard. I couldn't imagine how blotchy my face must've still been from my emotional roller coaster of a day. I remained frozen from shock.

"Can we go inside to talk?"

"Yes. We need to talk."

Simon followed me through the garage and laundry room, and into the living room. I motioned toward the sofa and he sat down. I remained standing in my jacket. Simon's eyes traveled down toward my stomach. That jacket was probably the only piece of clothing that I owned that could hide my protruding belly.

"I really want to talk to you about what happened in Dubai, and about other things, too. I want to tell you everything, but I don't want you to interrupt. Can you just hear me out?"

I nodded weakly, "I can do that."

"Why don't you take off your jacket and sit down?"

I ignored his first suggestion, and just sat on the ottoman. I was still in shock that he was sitting in front of me, but then I noticed his eyes wandering down to my abdomen. He knows I'm pregnant. I knew it was probably the real reason he was there, but we had some other things to talk about first.

Simon coughed nervously, and then began.

"The girl in Dubai didn't mean anything to me. Her name was Jan and I know this sounds shitty, but she was a one-night-stand. I left her apartment while she was in the bathroom getting cleaned-up. I don't know why I did it with her. I was probably scared that it would be my last chance to be with another woman." He paused to check my expression.

I winced at the thought of him dashing out the door, but I kept to my word and didn't utter a sound. I knew what he was saying was the truth. Not just because Simon wouldn't directly lie to me, but also because it fit in with what Jill told me.

"I feel bad about it, now. I feel bad that you found out the way you did."

I shrugged and shook my head. I had pretty much gotten over the whole other woman thing. I was mad that afternoon, but by the next day, I was more concerned that he wasn't coming back. The truth was, my pride kept me from trying to reach Simon, not jealousy.

I could feel myself start to sweat. It didn't take much to make me warm, and that jacket was too much for inside the house. I refused to take it off and derail Simon's whole speech. That was one speech I wanted to hear.