Pharr Flung (Well Hung) Tours

"Yes Natasha. You look just fine like that. Thank you for complying with my request." Vance shifted the transmission into drive and headed for the hotel.

From behind we watched Natasha swish her hair as she preened, using the required seatbelt to her advantage to define the dramatic curves on her figure. I caught Loria out of the corner of my eye; we knew what each other was thinking. Somebody else has been flipping through the images on the Pharr Flung Adventure's website, arriving at the very same thoughts and schemes which we had believed to be our own little secret. If this is going to be a competition; then round one to Natasha. Game on.

Vance eased our van into a parking space behind the hotel. Before he had gotten around to the rear of the vehicle to unload our bags, a cute gal in a red sundress came bounding across the pavement to meet us, or more pointedly, to meet Vance. Loria and I stood aside as she pushed past us, running on tiptoes in her strappy sandals, her blonde bob bouncing in unison along with her poorly tethered tits; which were all the more noticeable as she ran with her arms held back, even with her shoulders, projecting her breasts forward to lead her parade of overt affection. She planted a kiss on Vance's cheek, leaving a trace of her lipstick which masterfully matched her sundress. Vance returned a sheepish smile and turned to fetch the luggage belonging to us and Natasha. Vance looked embarrassed as she seized his solid biceps by wrapping both of her arms in a locking embrace, pinning him in her grasp. She pressed close to him, "I am just so excited to see you, and I can't wait to see all of these mystery spots on your tour Vance. I am already thrilled to pieces." To emphasize the extent of her thrill, still clutching his upper arm, she squeezed her chest tight against him, embedding Vance's muscular arm tight between her boobs. She sighed and twirled her blonde hair as Vance struggled to politely disentangle himself.

Once free, he faced the three of us and made introductions all around; "Natasha, Meredith and Loria, I'd like you to meet one of our fellow adventurers; this is Mirsa." Mirsa beamed a plastered smile at the lineup before her, sizing up the competition with her lips pulled back in a plastic grimace, showing her bright white teeth. We ladies all understood what her smile said, but Vance was oblivious to the female body language being flashed like switchblades in the hotel parking lot.

Loria and I each adopted our strict teacher persona and responded cordially to Mirsa, while Natasha bristled. Natasha replied, "It is good to look at you Miss Mirsa. I too and much excited for this tour of exotic places of mystery with Mr. Pharr." Natasha finished her introduction with drawn lips as she batted her eyes at Mirsa. I understood then and there, that there exists a communication between females that transcends cultures and continents.

Finished with the formality of introductions, Vance asked Mirsa to go to the lobby and bring the valet cart to help him move Natasha's five pieces and our two pieces of luggage. Mirsa, for an instant seemed resistant to fetching the cart for our convenience. She then realized it was Vance who made the request, and she was the kind of girl who quickly saw opportunity and seized it. "Oh, why yes Vance, I'll be happy to do that for you. I will forever be delighted to do anything you want me to do, just ask me. OK?" Mirsa strolled across the blacktop as if she were a supermodel strutting down a high fashion Parisian runway. She flounced her short hem as she swiveled her ass for the full view of those of us waiting next to the Pharr Flung Tours van.

While we waited for Mirsa, Vance informed us that we'd have about two hours to rest and freshen up before we all had dinner together at a restaurant featuring local New Mexican flavors. For those not inclined to try chilies, peppers and spices; there would be conventional menu items from which to choose. I asked, "What do you recommend Vance?" He seemed pleased that I'd asked. I wanted to signal that I was the kind of gal who'd try the spiced local cuisine.

"Meredith, do you like things hot, meaning a little spicy?"

I spoke for Loria and myself, "We sure do! We're excited to experience hot and spicy types of things. That's one of the reasons why we were so interested in signing up for your tour. We'd love to have you guide us and hopefully add a little spice to our world." Vance was listening to me and was thinking over the dinner menu, but I could read my friend's thoughts; she was amused with my answer, loaded with double entendres. It was clear to Loria that my response, using a heap of words with loaded meaning, was my attempt to toss a poker chip into the kitty to keep us teacher chicks in the game. Mirsa and Natasha are a couple of card sharps to be sure, but we weren't folding that easy. Vance may not have noticed my choice of words which applied to the dining room as well as to the bedroom, but one way or another; Loria and I were players to be reckoned with too.

Vance's face brightened, "Meredith, I hope you will consider trying the chili rellenos. It's a traditional delicacy here in New Mexico. It's a roasted poblano pepper, split open and stuffed with your choice of meat. I recommend the shredded beef; it has pine nuts and raisins stuffed inside before it is battered and fried. You'll have a choice of sauces to cover your rellenos -- I'll let our waitress describe all of your sauce options." As he described the spicy delicacy, he cupped his hands together to make the shape of split open poblano pepper. To me it looked like the shape of a vagina.

I cooed, "Oh my, that looks so yummy." I curled my fingertips and stuffed them inside of his cupped hands; "Vance, I'd love to enjoy the experience of getting something warm and a little spicy stuffed right into something like that. You said it was stuffed with my choice of meat, meat that comes with nuts? Yes! I'd love to have my poblano split open and stuffed full of meat with nuts. Sounds just like what a girl needs." Loria lifted her foot and kicked my calf as I tossed a couple more double entendres into the kitty as I anteed up to keep us in this high stakes female poker game. Vance was unaware he was the prize being played for, he was thinking about dinner.

Mirsa came back with the valet cart, positively purring like a kitty proudly showing off a captured mouse to its owner. In the lobby, Vance made arrangements and carried our bags up to the door of our shared room. We stepped inside and Vance reminded us to meet everyone in the lobby at 6:15 and he would drive us to dinner. I cupped my hands together to make the sign of a chili rellenos/vagina and carry on the loaded conversation. Loria saw what I was up to and yanked my forearm down and said to Vance. "See you at 6:15," and then closed the door.

Loria bolted the door behind me and motioned for me to sit on one of the two beds. "How would you describe that smile on Mirsa's face?"

I considered my confidant's question, "Why do you ask?"

"Would you say 'infectious'?" Loria smirked, waiting for my answer.

"Yeah, at first when she came across the parking lot, bouncing and flouncing, one might say she had an infectious smile on her wild red lips. What are you getting at Loria?"

"So -- she has an infectious smile; what do you think about her name, Mirsa?"

Puzzled by this line of questioning, "OK, it's a strange name; I've never heard that one before. But as you know we always get a few creative names that come through our classroom every year; what of it?"

Now grinning broadly, she asked, "Meredith, do you remember that memo we got from the school district around the beginning of last year about classroom health and infections?"

"No. Not really, why?"

Loria explained, "All of us teachers were alerted to the dangers of, among other things, Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus. It's a nasty infection, difficult to treat and it is known by the initials, MRSA; which is pronounced mirsa!"

My shoulders began to heave as I was overcome by laughter at the humorous facts my friend had strung together. "You say MRSA is pretty nasty and hard to get rid of? Well damn. What's in a name? Maybe more than we thought, huh?" We laughed long enough that we had to blow our noses.

"You thought that was funny - but it's snot." We laughed again at her third grade humor.

I had to ask, "What's your take on Natasha, our mystery woman from the east?"

"She's got to be a spy, right? She's probably on a mission to weaken America by stealing the genetic material from all of our country's best looking, sexiest men. Isn't it obvious?"

"Well my friend, it's a good thing that we've uncovered this nefarious plot; it's up to us schoolmarms to stop her and save America. But would a spy wear heels like that on an outdoor desert adventure? Does that make sense, we all read the brochure and we were supposed to pack comfortable clothes and sturdy hiking footgear. Neither Mirsa's strappy sandals nor Natasha's heels fit the syllabus."

"Meredith, don't you see; she wants her horny little, well-trimmed plot to be uncovered, if you know what I mean -- and I think you do." We lay back on the bed and giggled at our silliness. This could be our best summer fling yet.

After a shower and a brief nap we headed down to the lobby to meet up with the entire tour group for dinner. I could smell the pheromones from the staircase. Mirsa was all dolled up and flirting with our guide. We were an unwelcome intrusion into the stewing conversation by the looks we received from Mirsa; but Vance seemed relieved to see us. In a moment, three other members of the Pharr Flung tour joined us.

Becky made her entrance by greeting Vance with an indulgent peck on the cheek, then pulled back to see if her deep purple lip shade had made its mark on her man. Satisfied with her opening salvo, she stepped back with a smug expression as she joined the circle of us three women to wait for the couple who was coming into the room right behind her. Becky was a woman in her mid-thirties and certainly old enough to have mastered the art of makeup application; unfortunately, Becky had overdone it. She used enough dark eye shadow and thick mascara to pave a two-lane highway from Albuquerque to Las Vegas. I suppose all that black eye makeup was used to match her black, half-cup, strapless bustier, visible under her gauzy blouse. At the end of our evening, once inside our room, Loria and I had a good laughed at Becky's expense, chuckling at her dark tweenie makeup effort slathered around her blackened eyes. From there on out we referred to her a 'Becky Raccoon'.

I was surprised to see a man was a part of Vance's tour group. I had suspected that everyone who had signed up was more interested in Vance than visiting exotic, out-of-the-way places of interest in the American Southwest - guess I was wrong. The man was escorted by a woman, his wife. The couple joined our circle. Vance again made the introductions, naming those of us already there and then introducing each of us to the Weiszees, Alex and Alex. Alex extended his hand to greet everyone gathered, while Alex stood with her arms crossed, smiling at the gather ladies. I piped up, "Nice of you two to double up on the name, makes it easy for those of us like me, who have trouble remembering names. So it's dual Alexes - I bet if you made it into the tabloids, they'd refer to the two of you as 'Dualex'. You know, like 'Brangelia' for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie." Alex did not smile at my attempt at humor, nor did Alex.

My wing-gal stepped in after my awkward beginning, "Such an interesting surname, and then the coincidence of you both going by Alex, two Alex Weiszees; it kind of sounds like "All X-Y-Z's", kind of interesting - but I bet you hear that all of the time."

The Weiszees stood stone-faced. "No. Actually Miss, you are the first to have ever made that remark to me," he said in a severe tone, looking at Loria.

Mrs. Dualex confirmed her husband's dour reaction, "Can't say that I've ever heard that one before. You must think of yourself as a pretty clever girl."

"Actually, I can't say that I've heard that one before either. I often settle for dull normal." Loria's clever and quick self-deprecating quip helped us back out of a tragic beginning.

Natasha made her fashionably-late grand entrance some minutes later, wearing an even longer pair of heels that matched her clinging dark green dress with a short hemline, all of which advertised that her legs extended up to her armpits. Natasha had made sure that there were no visible panty lines to spoil the sleek view.

*****

With the final round of introductions finished, Vance spoke in an upbeat voice, "All righty everyone, thanks for joining me on this tour, it is a real pleasure to have all of you here. Let's get things started off right, let's all go get a nice dinner." There was some jostling as we were herded forward to the waiting van. Vance opened the sliding sidedoor to provide access to the bench seating and then opened the passenger door to the prized 'shotgun' seat next to our driver. Not wanting a fuss, Loria and I stepped in ahead of the Dualex pair and sat in the rear seat, followed by the Weiszees. I could hear Mirsa offering Becky Raccoon the opportunity to ride shotgun as she remarked, "Age before beauty." Natasha was the last to fold her long legs and short dress into the vehicle.

Driving to the restaurant, Vance pointed to the mountains on the outskirts of town, "Those beautiful mountains to your right are the Sandia Mountains, which is Spanish for watermelon. You can see why many people think these pink mountains look like a slice of watermelon, especially this time of the evening. The granite gets its pink color from the mineral feldspar. The feldspar in the Sandia granite has a high content of potassium, we geologist use the shorthand term K-spar when talking about this beautiful mineral, since K is the symbol for potassium. At the top of the Sandia range is a layer of lighter colored Paleozoic sandstones and limestones, just like the inner white edge of a watermelon rind. To complete the effect, those green conifers growing on the crest make it looks like a thin, green watermelon skin. So we have layers, going from inside to outside of pink, white and green -- a 1.5 billion year old slice of watermelon rising above the Rio Grande."

"Hey, Pharr," Alex called out from his seat in front of me, "Is this tour going to be all technical, trying to impress us with big-word science vocabulary; because I paid good money for what was supposed to be a tour looking at some interesting cultural stuff, not boring crap like some old rocks and dirt."

I could hear the claws come out from the other passengers as the male Dualex challenged the authority of Vance. Vance kept his eyes on the traffic, but answered in a calm voice still excited about the opportunity to provide an informative tour. "Alex, there is going to be a lot of both, some natural history of the Colorado Plateau that we will we touring and I assure you, there will be plenty of interesting stories, legends and mystery woven into the landscapes we will be visiting. I try to provide all things to all of my guests."

Becky Raccoon spoke in Vance's defense, "Well, I love to hear Mr. Pharr tell us about these rocks. I love to hear what a smart and handsome man has to say. Vance, I would love for you tell me everything you know. I love listening to you."

Natasha echoed Becky Raccoon's sentiments, "I am here to have Vance to take me to many interesting things and to make me to feel good in these places." Mirsa leaned forward to rub Vance's right shoulder to let him know she was ready and available to comfort him. Even Alex seemed displeased with her husband's unwarranted effort to dictate the content of Pharr Flung Adventure Tours.

At the restaurant I ordered the chili rellenos on Vance's recommendation. The Dualexes needed help in translating many of the listed dishes, even though it was printed in English. They were unfamiliar with basic fare such as tostados, tortillas and guacamole. Our waitress brought the customary complementary tortilla chips and two types of salsa to the table. Alex dipped a chip into the milder salsa and held it to Alex's lips; he shook his jowls, refusing to even taste it. Mr. Weiszees' taste buds found their adventurous limit at catsup. Vance suggested that we have some tableside guacamole prepared, thinking Alex would enjoy the mild, nut flavor of a mashed, ripe avocado, salted and infused with lime.

Alex looked askance when Juanita arrived with a cart bearing a mortar and pestle with halved avocados and small bowls of fresh ingredients to be added as she prepared our guacamole while we watched. The green guacamole was seasoned and served out of the mortar placed in the center of our table. As Juanita returned to the kitchen, still within earshot, Alex could be heard grumbling that the stuff looked like something in a baby's diaper. Everyone ignored his crass comments as they served themselves.

Vance let us know that Juanita, besides being the owner and chef, was also a beloved and well respected curandera, a traditional healer, an expert with herbs. He also said that because of her rumored healing powers that some in the community referred to Juanita under their breaths as a bruja, a witch.

Alex, shaking her head, asked, "How can anyone in this day and age still believe in witches. This desolate place must be pretty culturally backward."

Vance responded, "Whatever may or may not be true about Juanita, she is a masterful cook and definitely an expert in using herbs and spices. And Alex, you might find this additional 'backward' belief interesting; there are some who say Juanita is a shape-shifter bruja. It has been whispered that she can change herself into a coyote."

Alex pushed his plate aside, "If that woman can change into a coyote, then I'd say that confirms my opinion of her and her cooking, she's a bitch." Juanita entered to clear Alex's half-eaten hamburger along with the rest of our empty plates and bowls.

Alex rose from his chair then doubled over in pain as if he'd been kicked in the balls, falling to the floor in a crumpled pile as he whimpered next to his chair. The paramedics arrived to find him complaining of a sudden pain in his groin. His wife was allowed to ride with him to the emergency room. As she was about to climb into the ambulance, Juanita handed her a sack, "The doctors will not be able to understand his ailment, but he will recover. Make a tea with these herbs and have him drink it, he will be better in three days. Vaya con dios senora." Then Juanita disappeared back inside.

The sound of the siren as the ambulance pulled into traffic brought a sharp, mocking sort of baying from the alley behind us. "That's a coyote," explained Vance to a bunch of wide-eyed women waiting to seek shelter in the van.

I asked Vance, "Why did that coyote cry like that, it sounds like she was laughing at something?"

Vance answered, "Meredith, you tell me."

"I can only guess," was by best answer.

We rode in silence back to the hotel. Loria and I decided we'd hang out with a glass of merlot in the hotel bar before we headed to bed. We were tucked into a dark corner with empty glasses, about to call it a night, when Alex came through the lobby doors. I called to her. She walked to our table. "Oh my goodness, please tell us your husband is all right. What did the doctors say? He looked so terrible there on the floor."

Alex looked haggard and dazed. "It was real strange. Alex's scrotum has swollen up big time and turned green and bumpy like the skin of an avocado. And his testicles were enlarged and super hard like avocado pits -- isn't that nuts? The doctors said they'd never seen anything like it." Loria and I nodded in sympathy to her explanation, refusing to engage in the obvious wisecrack left open to us when she described his testicles as nuts. "They're going to keep him overnight. They gave him some sedatives and he seems to be doing a lot better now. I came back to pack our stuff. We're going to drive back home tomorrow once Alex is released from the hospital. I'm afraid we won't go on the tour. You know, Alex never really wanted to come and do this. It was my idea. I got excited with the idea of traveling with Vance Pharr after seeing his website, guess that won't happen now."