Pink Djinn

"Cousin Dhelibheli!" said Saadia.

"Dhelibheli will do, dear. We're not really related as I'm sure you're already aware."

"And Wajid!" barked the Sultan.

The Wazir gave an evil cackle (he'd been practising them for a while now). "Henceforth you may call me 'Your Magnificence'!"

"Who is she?" asked Princess Yasmin, staring at Genie, "And why can't we move?"

"Don't bother about her, she's only a slave, here to do my bidding," said Dhelibheli, not seeing the resentful look Genie was giving her. "As for not moving, the three of you are held in a simple binding spell so as not to cause trouble. Now all we have to do is anticipate the coming of lovely Aladdina, no doubt maddened by grief, and my vengeance will be complete."

Wajid the Wazir leaned towards the frozen Sultan, his voice gloating. "Not that it will make much difference now that I'm the power in the land but there are a few things you'd better know about your dear son-in-law. Perhaps then you'll realise how foolish you were to give Princess Yasmin's hand to him instead of to me. Firstly, Aladdina does not come from far Cathay but from our own city. He lied to you!"

"I forgive him," said the Sultan.

"He's a commoner, not royalty."

"We're all brothers under the skin."

The Wazir's eyes narrowed. "Neither did he come into his fortune by inheritance or honest toil. His generous dowry was filched from a magical treasure cave which by rights should be yours."

"I can overlook that."

"Dammit!" shrieked the Wazir, jumping up and down in fury, "Aladdina's not even a young man! She's a girl!"

"Well, nobody's perfect."

"Arrrghhh!" Wajid raised his hands to shake at the heavens only to find that he was as immobile as his captives. "What are you playing at?" he screamed at Dhelibeli, "I'm on your side! We made a bargain!"

The sorceress shook her head. "No, you made the bargain but did you hear me agree to it? You don't think I'd allow a conniving twat like you to usurp my powers."

"There they go again," complained the Sultan, "Why won't someone tell me what a twat is?"

Come fly with me...

"...and then you took my old lamp to the crazy woman to exchange for a new one," sighed Aladdina, "After which she became even crazier, gave you all the new lamps and ran off with mine."

Halina and Hamida, clearly expecting some dreadful punishment, prostrated themselves, crying out for mercy. Aladdina waved a forgiving hand. "I should have told you not to touch my lamp," she admitted, "But tell me, it was an hour or two after this that my family disappeared?"

"Yes, Highness, along with that slimy bas¾ er, I mean along with His Excellency the Wazir."

Aladdina dismissed the sisters, went to her quarters and changed into her old street clothes before going out into the gardens.

Right! Time to put the magic carpet to the test. The tiny rug still didn't seem sufficient but Genie had promised that Aladdina could trust it. She unrolled the rug and laid it on the ground and then she blinked. Goodness! she thought as the rug seemed to stretch itself and expand until it was many times its original size.

Aladdina stepped onto the carpet gingerly. "Hey you!" a voice shouted, "What do you think you're doing girl? Show some respect, will you?" The voice was crusty and irascible, rather like an unpleasant old man who had just been bested in an argument with a camel-drover.

Aladdina looked around but there was no-one in sight. She took another step.

"You, I'm talking to you!" yelled the same voice, "Haven't you got any manners?"

Aladdina turned right round but could see nobody in any direction. "Who's speaking?" she said nervously.

"Who do you think? Me, the carpet!" A corner of the carpet rose up like a hooded cobra and confronted Aladdina. Although the thing had no eyes, she felt that it was scrutinising her and not in a very friendly fashion.

"You can speak..."

"Of course I can speak, you stupid girl! I'm a magic carpet, aren't I?"

"I'm sorry but I've never met a magic carpet before." Aladdina stepped back. "What was I doing wrong?" Hoping to mollify the carpet she added: "Gracious sir or madam."

"You didn't take your shoes off when you stepped on me, that's what you did wrong." It still sounded querulous. "Height of bad manners! I'm not an ordinary coconut-fibre or camel-hair magic carpet. They're as common as shit, excuse my Babylonian, and will put up with any kind of disrespectful behaviour. Not me though, oh no, I'm a genuine Bokhara made from the finest oriental silks. And we Bokharas don't come cheap. So you want to travel on me, it's first-class all the way and you'll behave in a manner befitting my superiority."

Not only ill-tempered but the carpet obviously had a very high opinion of itself. Still, Aladdina needed it so she removed her shoes and grovelled a little. "Of course, sir, I'm so very sorry, sir. You must excuse me but I'm only a simple market-place girl and don't always recognise true quality when I see it."

"Very well, I'll overlook your discourteous behaviour this time," said the carpet, slightly appeased, "But you just watch your arse, kiddo! Now, where are we going?"

"To where Genie and the lamp have been taken. Genie said that you could find her with no other directions."

"Easily done," said the carpet, adding in a proud voice, "I've got GPS."

"What's GPS?"

"It depends on what the journey is and my mood at the time. [Bad, I'd guess, thought Aladdina but wisely held her peace.] It could stand for Go Places Soon. Or Go Places Swiftly. Or Go Places Slowly. That last one's for people who get carpet-sick. And if you feel sick while we're in flight, lean over the side. I don't want to go to the trouble of cleaning myself—that makes me irritable, very irritable. It inclines me to fly upside-down which can be very uncomfortable for my ex-passengers."

It struck Aladdina that it wouldn't take much at all to make the carpet irritable but she held her tongue, settled down cross-legged and determined that she would try to enjoy the journey (or at least not get carpet-sick). The carpet rose several feet from the ground and spun back and forth a number of times, a corner lifted and pointing as if sniffing out its objective. "Got it!" it grunted at last and its finest oriental silk pile seemed to glisten in triumph. "We go this way so brace yourself. We have lift-off!"

* * * * *

To Aladdina's surprise she really enjoyed the magic carpet ride. Better than that fucking camel, anyway. The carpet zipped along at a frantic pace, covering in some thirty minutes what would take a camel up to mid-morning coffee-break to travel. Several times she felt so exhilarated that she yelled things like: "Yippee!" and "Wheee!".

"Oh do be quiet!" snapped the carpet, "Anyone would think you've never been on a magic carpet before!"

"But I haven't."

"Hmmph!"

Then the oasis came into sight and the carpet approached from the blind side, hovering some distance away while Aladdina spied out the situation. "Dammit! Looks like we're fucked!" she muttered, "Dhelibheli's got the lamp so Genie's her slave."

"Can you catch?" asked the carpet.

"Yes, why?"

"Then get ready and hold on to your boobs, kid!¾I'm going in fast!" The carpet dropped almost to ground level, changed gear and went into racing mode. It zipped into the group and as it passed the unaware Dhelibheli reached out with a corner and flipped the magic lamp from her hand. Tumbling over and over, the lamp soared through the air and landed exactly in Aladdina's grasp. "Quickly, Genie!" she yelled, "Bind the sorceress and free the others."

The carpet settled just beyond the oasis and having remembered to say thank you to the grumpy thing, Aladdina leapt off and ran to her loved one.

Hands on hips and with a stern expression on his chubby face, the newly-freed Sultan turned to his Wazir. "So! Your Magnificence..." he grated.

Wajid looked around for an easy escape route and failing to find one gave a sickly smirk and tried to pull his head into his shoulders like a geriatric tortoise. "It was a jest, Your Greatness. Only a rather feeble jest." He cringed so far down that his chin almost touched his knees.

"We will discuss this further when we return to the city," said the Sultan.

The Wazir's complexion had turned a nasty colour, a shade of pensioner's beige with light green highlights and he cringed deeper still so that his prominent nose almost touched the sand. "Yes, Your Immensity... it was only a jest in bad taste..."

Having satisfied herself that Yasmin and Saadia were well, Aladdina turned to Genie. "So what do we do about her?" asked Aladdina, nodding towards the frozen Dhelibheli.

Genie grinned, an unpleasant genie-like grin. "We could cast her into the Seventh Level of Hell. That's Satan's own riding school. She would be forced to ride naked on a bucking dragon with a spiked back and demon grooms armed with white-hot pitchforks would prod her up the arse every time she fell off."

And while they were talking, the Wazir's squinty little eyes were constantly seeking a way to freedom.

This could be his last crime...

Aladdina thought for a moment then shook her head. "No, I don't think so, not the Seventh Level of Hell. She's wicked but I don't want to be responsible for having her prodded with white-hot pitchforks for eternity while riding a dragon."

"How about the Sixth Level?" asked Genie brightly, "That's where she has to dance naked and bare-foot on a floor comprising angry scorpions and fire ants."

"Nope!"

"The Fifth...?" Genie was starting to sound like a little girl deprived of a treat.

Aladdina shook her head. "Can't we just send her a long way away where we'll never see her again and she can do no harm?"

Genie nodded. "In that case, with your agreement I'll summon my big brother," she said, "He is a mighty Ifrit and has travelled back and forth at length through all the sands of time. He'll have an idea of what to do. But beware, he usually appears in a hideous and terrifying form, unbearable to human eyes."

"Fine," said Aladdina, "Let's give it a try."

Genie began to chant in an unknown language, a tongue-twisting gobble-de-gook of a sound like camels gargling, donkeys hiccupping and a dozen or so vultures squabbling over a dead goat. It lasted for several minutes.

"What was that?" asked Aladdina.

"Well, very roughly translated it means: 'Great Ifrit, Lord of Land and Sea, Get your arse in gear and come to me!' "

Even as Genie explained, there was a clap like thunder, multi-coloured lightning swirled about the group and a most extraordinary figure appeared in their midst. Medium-sized and thin in this incarnation, the Ifrit was clad in a strange white costume comprising britches narrow at the waist and wide at the ankles, a loose jacket in the same material, a type of deep-collared shirt with a flowery design, and shoes with soles and heels adding about three inches to his height. Long floppy hair threaded with flowers covered his ears and fell to his shoulders. He could almost have been human save for the pair of tiny horns on his forehead.

Aladdina blinked. Hideous? Terrifying? Unbearable? "What's so frightening about him?" she said.

Genie blinked too. "Strange, he normally enjoys scaring the crap out of people."

"Yo, li'l sis, like how's it hanging?" the new arrival greeted, his voice an odd mid-tenor, "See you're out of that old lamp again—where's it at, cat?"

"What sort of language is that?" sighed Genie, "Have you been exploring strange and exotic ages again?"

"Right on babe, into the future 'n' thinking of settling there for maybe a lifetime, give up the Ifrit business for a century or so, like a rest cure. After a few thousand years, all that magic-making knocks it out of a dude. Landed up in a land far beyond the sea, in an age known as The Swigging Sexties or something like that. Have to fit in so now I've adopted the name Rick Haggard. Cast a false memory spell so they think I've been around like forever and found work as lead singer with a bunch of troubadours calling themselves The Strolling Ones."

"But you can't sing."

"Don't matter, neither can they. No-one's complaining. We're making a fortune and that's all that counts. I don't even need to use my powers to get it. Guys 'n' gals just throw the old shekels at us like they've got the keys to a Sultan's vaults. Also, we're chased non-stop by all the groovy chicks we can handle. My dick's getting quite exhausted, not that I'm complaining." He glanced to where Aladdina and Yasmin stood hand-in-hand. "Talking of groovy chicks, who are these two?"

"Keep your lecherous eyes off them," said Genie, "I've summoned you to help us."

"O...kay, I'm hip. So, like, what's happening?"

Genie quickly explained their predicament about Dhelibheli.

"Throw her into the Fourth Level of Hell," Rick Haggard advised, "That's a nice easy punishment¾all the damned souls at that level work as Satan's body-servants. I understand His Infernalship needs a new arse-wiper, the current one's running out of stamina not to mention soft toilet-tissue."

"The lamp holder's forbidden any level of Hell," Genie told him, "We just want her far away from here where she can't interfere in the lamp holder's life any more or try to retrieve the lamp. Can you take her back to this Swigging Sexties time and do something with her there?"

Rick Haggard considered then nodded. "You got it babe. I'll put a spell of forgetfulness on her then make her earn her way, maybe get her into the music business like in a gal group. As their mentor I'd collect a dinar for every four they make and I'd charge their exorbitantly high expenses to them. I just love The Swigging Sexties. Like having my own private money mint. I could call the gal group... let's see... got it... what're them little things called, like points making up a circle."

"Degrees?" suggested Princess Yasmin who adored mathematics.

"Hey, thass right! Now that is co-o-o-l!" Rick Haggard enthused, "Far out! I mean, like wow! I'll call them The Three Hundred and Sixty Degrees." He turned to Genie. "Now you stay out of that lamp and you ever get bored, boogie on down to the Swigging Sexties. Cool chick like you, groovy pink complexion with ruby hair, not to mention those be-oo-ti-ful bosoms, be number one in the charts in no time. Only one thing, you'd need some clothes—they're becoming broad-minded but not that broad-minded. Hey, you'll like the women's fashions, things they call skirts barely covering their butts right now." Rick Haggard tucked the frozen Dhelibheli under one arm and held up two fingers. "Peace, li'l sis!"

Genie held up a restraining hand. "Before you go... if you think you're passing as human, how do you explain the horns?"

Rick Haggard explored his forehead with a bony hand. "Shee-it! time for another trim. They grow fast, one thing I can't stop. Don't make no difference, really. All the old farts in The Swigging Sexties think Rick Haggard's a child of the devil anyway. Horns'll just confirm it for them. Still, be okay after fifty of their years."

"What happens after fifty of their years?"

"If I'm keeping up the pretence Rick Haggard will have to grow old like regular wrinklies. So in about fifty years' time I'll have a face like a relief map of the Atlas Mountains. I'll have so many creases and crinkles nobody'll notice the horns. Bet I'll still be able to pull the groovy chicks though. All that fame 'n' money, powerful aphrodisiacs. Doubt I'd do as well if I was a scribe's clerk. Ciao, cats."

Another thunderclap, another swirl of lightning, and Rick Haggard was gone together with Dhelibheli. As Genie set about ensuring the others suffered no ill effects from the enchantment, Aladdina laid the lamp to one side and embraced Yasmin. "I'm yours until the desert sands are no more," she said and kissed her bride tenderly.

"Until the desert sands are no more," echoed Yasmin.

There was a sudden scuffling and the two found themselves pushed violently to one side. Wajid the Wazir snatched up the lamp and waved it in triumph. "Now I'm the Master of the Lamp!" he crowed, "Genie, you are now my slave."

"Oh, seven kinds of desert demons and dust-devils, not you!" Genie cried, stamping her foot and causing the ground to rumble. With a stricken look, she turned to Aladdina. "I'm sorry, Aladdina, but I'm bound to obey the one who holds the lamp, no matter what sort of shithouse he is." To Wajid she said: "What is your will, oh nauseating Master with the tiny prick?"

"A teensy-weensy zabb has he?" Yasmin jeered, "I bet his tiddler of a prick can't give a fraction of the pleasure that Aladdina's tongue and fingers can!"

"Nor that of a good hairy wife!" bellowed the Sultan.

A furious Wazir scowled and jabbed a grubby forefinger at Genie. "You will not discuss the size of my pr—"he snarled, then caught himself. "Firstly, you will never again summon your brother to your aid," he ordered, "Now you will bind Aladdina and the Sultan in strong chains. They may remain that way until I determine which level of Hell I'll have you cast them into." Long coils of chain appeared from nowhere and wrapped themselves, python-like, about the two prisoners. The Sultan huffed and puffed with indignation but desisted when Wajid glared at him.

"After that," continued the Wazir, "put a binding spell on Aladdina's mother. I will decide what to do with her later." He grinned a nasty grin at Aladdina and the Sultan, showing a fine set of pomegranate-seed-and-grape-pip-wrecked teeth. "I may well make her the keeper of my privy where she will live, eat and sleep and attend me when my bowels are loose, which is often. When we return to the city I will assume the throne, appointing myself Sultan, and I will marry the Princess Yasmin. Any reluctance on her part will be punished harshly. For instance, if she misbehaves the worst market-place perverts may be invited to taste her lissom form once I have had my wicked way with her." His features twisted into an evil leer as he ran black fingernails against the lamp, making an unpleasant scraping noise. "Have I forgotten anything? Ah yes, the genie showed a marked reluctance to accept me as her new master. To put her in her place, I will humiliate her daily with trivial errands unworthy of her great powers and you will all be witness to her first shameful task." He sniggered, beckoning Genie to his side.

"Genie, heh-heh... you will fetch me, heh-heh-heh... a djinn-and-tonic, heh-heh-heh-heh..."

An enraged Genie's face promptly flushed a dark cerise, the sky turned a deep and terrifying black with huge roiling clouds and there was a great flash of lightning followed closely by a deep drum-roll of thunder. Then in an instant the sky was blue once more, as if the blackness had never been, the sun shining unchanged on the gathering, all of whom cried out in astonishment at what they saw...

"By the rivers of Babylon!" gasped Saadia.

"By the Great Pyramid of Khufu!" exclaimed the Sultan.

"By Cleopatra's queenly quim!" chorused Aladdina and Yasmin.

"Ribbit!" croaked the Wazir...

Then with more of a note of surprise: "Ribbit?" A long tongue shot out to nail a passing fly and with a gulp and a final puzzled "Ribbit?" he hopped off, perhaps hoping to find a lily pad.

A slightly embarrassed Genie shrugged apologetically. "Well, I did vow that's what would happen to the next one who ordered that..."

"Suppose he recovers his form and returns to do more evil," said Aladdina.