tagHumor & SatirePsyching Out Cupid

Psyching Out Cupid


It was February the thirteenth, and Cupid was depressed. After years of trying, Psyche, the nympho from down the street, had finally agreed to go on a date with him. The problem was that she wanted to go out on Valentine's Day, the only day of the year he absolutely had to work. There was no way he could help the mortals fall in love and have time for a tryst of his own, so he was trying to devise a plan that would allow him to take the day off. Hours passed, and he had just about given up, when he got an idea:

"I will call my mother, Aphrodite, and see if maybe she can fill in for me. After all, she is the Goddess of Love!" He ran to the phone excitedly.

"Hello mother, how is everything?"

"Things are great here. How are you, Cupid?"

"I am fine, mother. Look, I have a huge favor to ask of you. Do you think... that you could fill in for me tomorrow? Something has come up, and I just don't think I am up to it this year."

"What! Now what is so important that it has to be done on Valentine's Day? Can't you reschedule?"

"I wish I could, mother, but it cannot be helped. So, will you work for me, please?"

"Son, under any other circumstances I would be more than willing to help you, but your father and I have plans for tomorrow. I am sorry, but you will have to work."

"I really need this year off. Do you think it would be okay if I asked Anteros to work for me? I know it is a stretch, but it would mean a lot."

"Well, I guess you could try, but I really don't think he..."

"Thanks mom, I am going to call him right now! I love you!"

"I love you, Cupid, goodbye!"

"Wow, she agreed way too easily, a pleasant surprise," thought Cupid. "Now all I have to do is convince Anteros to work for me. Since he is the God of Slighted Love, this may not be so simple. I will stew over this a bit, then call my little brother." Cupid went to fix himself some lunch, and began devising his plan of attack.

As he was preparing his grilled cheese sandwich, he took a drink of water and choked on it, coughing and sputtering. "That's it, I have my plan!" he said mischievously, and went to call his brother.

"Anteros, my brother, I have a big problem, and I was hoping that you could help me out. I have come down with a cold, and can't even get out of bed.(sniffling) As you are well aware, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and someone has to help the mortals fall in love.(coughing) Do you think you can do it?"

"Cupid, you know how I hate for people to be happy and in love...but because you are sick, I will help you out just this once. This is going to be tough, so I hope you appreciate what I am doing for you. Feel better soon!"

"Thanks Anteros, you don't know how much this means to me. I owe you!"

Cupid jumped up and down excitedly. "I can't believe he bought it! Now, it is time to get ready for my big date with Psyche."

The next morning, Anteros woke up early so he could stop by and check on his big brother before he began the festival of love. He reached the front door and was about to knock, when he heard Cupid talking to himself. Anteros leaned in closer so he could hear what was going on.

"Okay, the champagne is chilling, the lobster and oysters were just delivered, and Mr. Winky is ready and willing to go. Look out Psyche, Cupid is on the prowl!"

Anteros dropped his hand in disgust. "So, he tricked me into working for him just so he could get laid. I guess I'll just have to teach him a lesson. Time to have some fun!" Armed with Cupid's bow and arrows, Anteros flew away looking for someone who needed 'help' with love.

It wasn't long before he spied Tim writing a letter to Cindy, a girl he had loved for a long time, but had never had the guts to tell her. Anteros flew in close to see what he had written.

Dearest Cindy,

We have been friends for a very long time, but my feelings for you have grown. So, on this Valentine's Day, I want you to know that I...

Anteros drew back his bow and let an arrow fly. The arrow pierced Tim's hand.

"Oops, I missed!" Anteros giggled, "Let's see what happens now!"

...want to tear off all of your clothes and kiss every inch of your body. Then I am going to suck on your clit until you beg me to stop. We will have sex all night long, and when we are done, you will be mine forever, so prepare yourself for a wild ride!


"Man, this is too much fun!" Anteros laughed. "Let's see what other kind of trouble I can cause."

"Well, will you look at that! Jake is flirting with a bunch of girls at the park. Ah Jake, you broke Molly's heart because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants-let's teach you a lesson!"

Anteros shoots an arrow at Jake, hitting him below the belt. He immediately unzipped his pants, pulled his pecker out, and began jerking himself off vigorously, without a care in the world except getting himself off. All of the girls screamed and scattered in different directions, yelling out obscenities as they went.

"I guess my aim is off a little. Let's go and try again," Anteros flew away, laughing.

After several hours of wrecking havoc, Anteros decided to stop for a while and rest his wings across the street from a fancy restaurant. As he looked through the window, he saw Sara, a woman whose words were known to hurt people, having lunch with several businessmen.

"Sara, your mouth has always gotten you into trouble. What do you say we take it up a notch!" He shoots Sara in the mouth with an arrow, and she excuses herself from the table. She sneaks back and slides under the tablecloth, where she begins sucking off her boss.

"So John, what do you think of our proposal? Do you think you can help us?"

"Oh yes, I like that very much! Why don't you give me more? My God, what a beautiful mouth, I mean proposal, you have, oh yessss!" His eyes roll back in his head, and he slumps forward onto the table.

Anteros was rolling with laughter as Sara moved from table to table, licking women and sucking men until the entire restaurant was moaning. Some of them were even having sex with each other. "I bet that is the best lunch any of them have ever had! Time to get back to work."

Unaware of what was going on in the outside world, Cupid and Psyche were enjoying a nice dinner of steamed lobster and raw oysters, with strawberries and whipped cream for dessert. Psyche was known for her ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose, and Cupid was rigid with the anticipation of what would happen next.

As Anteros flew over Chicago, he spied Brad, who was a real piece of work. A Brad Pitt wanna be, with the attitude of George Carlin, Anteros found him annoying.

"Brad, Brad, Brad! You have always been a pain in the ass, especially to women. I think it is time that you had a pain in the ass," Anteros took aim and the arrow hit its mark.

Brad went to the motel room where he was meeting his mistress. She took one look at his butt and had a devilish idea. "Why don't you let me tie you up today, sweetie? I am feeling kinda kinky."

"Well, okay, what do you have in mind?"

"Don't worry, you will find out soon enough!" She ties his arms and legs to the posts while he is face down on the bed, making sure that he cannot escape. Opening her purse, she takes out a twelve-inch dildo and a tube of lubricating jelly. She was hoping that he would use it on her today, but his ass was so irresistible, the tables were going to be turned.

As Anteros flew off, he could hear Brad pleading with his mistress to let him go.

The phone was ringing, but Cupid planned to ignore it. He was busy licking whipped cream off of Psyche's sweet little pussy.

"Aren't you going to get that?" Psyche asked, annoyed.

"I wasn't planning on it. I am a little... busy... right...now!"

"Well, it is very distracting, and I am having trouble concentrating on the pleasure you are giving me."

"Okay, I am going!" He ran to the phone and answered it, breathless.

"Hello! This had better be important or..."

"Cupid, this is your mother. What on Earth is going on down there? I checked in on the mortals to see how their day of love was going, and everything is in chaos! It looks like one big orgy down there, and I don't mean a love orgy!"

"What!!! Okay mother, I will see what the problem is. Talk to you later."

"Is everything okay?" asked Psyche.

"NO! My brother is ruining everything for me. I am going to call him and give him a piece of my mind right now!"

Cupid begins dialing Anteros' number while Psyche moves closer and slides his dick into her mouth.

Anteros looks at his caller ID and sees that it is Cupid calling. "This is going to be fun!" he thought.

"Hello Cupid, how are you feeling?"

"Oh God, that feels soooo good!"

"Well, I am glad to hear that you are feeling better. What can I do for you?"

Cupid looks down at Psyche as she runs her tongue over the tip of his shaft. "Look Anteros, what is going on? Mother just called me and said things are chaotic. What have you doonnne!" He gave Psyche a dirty look for making him moan when he was trying to talk business, but she ignored him and kept doing what she did best.

"Let's see, I have been busy doing your job while you were at home getting some pussy from a nympho! You tricked me, so I decided to have some fun."

"You mean that you knew I wasn't sick and you ruined Valentine's Day for everyone?"

"I guess you could say that. Hope you have fun fixing it all. By the way, was she was worth it?"

At that very moment, Psyche brought him to orgasm. "Oooohhh yes, yes, yes!"

"Glad to hear it. Goodbye for now!"

Cupid returned the phone to its cradle and began pacing the floor, trying to figure out what he was going to do. Psyche sat quietly and watched him, wondering what was wrong. After several minutes, Cupid looked at Psyche and said, "I am so sorry, but you are going to have to leave. As much as I want to be with you, right now I have some major problems to fix. Thank you for a wonderful evening, and I hope that we can do this again sometime."

"I can't believe this is happening to me!" Psyche screamed and stormed out the door, slamming it as she went.

As he put away the whipped cream and strawberries, Cupid decided to take a look at the mess Anteros had made, so he waved his hand and a portal opened that allowed him to view the entire mortal world. "Oh my, what was he thinking?" he said quietly. He closed the portal and sat down on the couch to think. All of a sudden, a flash of lightening filled the room, and his father, Ares, was standing before him.

"Son, you have caused a real mess this year. I can't believe what is going on out there. If it were up to me, I would leave you to fix everything yourself, but your mother wouldn't hear of it."

"What do you mean, father?"

"Aphrodite seems to think I should help you. I tried to argue my point, but she threatened to cut me off for a thousand years if I didn't do something, so here I am."

"Regardless of the circumstances, I am really glad you are here."

"Okay son, stand back and let me get this done." Ares claps his hands together three times, and a loud blast of thunder ricochets throughout the land. "There! All is as it should be. Cupid?"

"Yes father..."

"Don't ever make me come down here again, do you understand?"

"I understand."

Another flash of lightening, and Ares was gone.

"Thank you, mother," Cupid thought to himself. "I don't know what I would have done without father's help!" He settled down to spend another Valentine's Day alone.

Anteros and Psyche were laying in bed. "I can't believe he agreed to go out with you on Valentine's Day!" Anteros laughed, "He wasn't even the least bit suspicious of you."

"I know, we sure pulled a fast one on him, didn't we?" giggled Psyche. "You should have seen the look on his face when your mother called!"

"Well, Cupid shouldn't have made so much fun of me while we were growing up. I knew this day would come sooner or later, and the wait was well worth it!"

"Enough talk about Cupid," Psyche said seductively. "Come on over here and prick me with your arrow, lover boy!"

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