Punk

"It's fine, Cass, you have plenty of time, still," Johnny assured me.

"It's not that... I just... I hadn't imagined leaving here. I don't know why, I KNEW I would have to, but it hadn't even occurred to me that I wouldn't be here with them anymore!"

"Oh... Don't worry, Cass. I'll take care of you, protect you. You'll be safe with me and we'll come into town all the time! Have them out too. And I have a phone, you could phone your mom anytime you want! Your dad too!"

"What's wrong?" Mama asked, sitting up and looking me over.

"Nothing!" I told her quickly. "We were just talking about when we should move all my things. He was thinking Saturday evening would be best so that we had all of Sunday free to entertain and all. After we got everything set up for Sunday, we'd come back here and he'd take my things back with him. That would be easiest, right?" I asked, my heart pounding.

"That sounds just fine," Mama agreed. "And it makes sense since he has a truck to move everything."

"It will be nice to have all your things there already," Daddy agreed with a judicial nod. "That way you won't have it to worry about and you can just settle in like newlyweds."

Friday morning, I woke up to my monthly and I was so relieved I lay crying until Mama came in to see why I wasn't up yet. She held me while I cried in relief, smiling at me and rocking me. Finally, she got me up and made me come eat. While I was eating, I heard her get on the telephone to call Daddy.

"Martin? All is well," she told him softly, then when quiet a moment. "She's just fine, relieved and emotional is all. ... I'll tell her. See you this evening." Coming back in, she gave me another sad smile. "Your father says he loves you and he's glad for you and John both. It would have been a burden and a strain. Now you can just be happy."

I nodded, then tried to imagine how to tell Johnny. The thought was absolutely horrifying. "Mama? How do I let Johnny know?"

"Your father will take care of that, sweetheart, don't you worry about it at all.

"Mama? Do you imagine he meant all those things he said, or he was really just counting on it not happening?"

"He meant every word," Mama smiled. "He's a good and steadfast man, he would have kept his word. He's not a man to say what he doesn't mean."

I thought about that a moment, then nodded and got up to start packing. It took less time than I imagined and I looked at the white dress hanging on my closet door. It was a lie. I felt like I didn't deserve to walk down the aisle in that dress, the shame of the lie would burn in me. I was already basically lying to everyone by not telling them that Punk hadn't kidnapped me. I'd basically left with him willingly, even if he had pulled me out of my window and I'd objected. I hadn't raised a fuss at all and I'd let him take me all the way to his home with no real objections. I'd liked him so much, built him up in my dreams though he'd done nothing at all to warrant my worship of him. A few words and looks here and there when he happened to see me and I'd imagined he loved me. It was all a lie.

I was a liar.

Mama spoke from the doorway. "It's alright, Cass. No one will know. Only your dad and a few officers know what happened, and they won't tell anyone. They haven't let it get out at all and they won't. They gave your dad their words, they won't even tell their wives. None of them. John is the only other person in the world that knows, and he won't tell anyone either."

"Mama? I let him."

"Let him?"

"The Punk. I let him take me out of my window. He was handsome and I had a crush on him. When he knocked on my window, I opened it. He said he had a birthday present for me and pulled me out the window to show me, he said. I told him I shouldn't leave, but he said it would be fine and he put me in his truck. Took me all the way to that place... I told him I wanted to go home and I tried to fight him... but he didn't just steal me. I let him take me."

Mama let out a breath. "Well... no one needs to know that either, Cass. What he did... he still deserved everything. You didn't deserve what happened to you, even if you didn't call for help the second you saw him. He still hurt you and did horrible things and you didn't want that to happen. That's all that matters. He was an animal that needed to be put down, no matter the circumstances of you getting there. You understand that, right?"

"But the lie is still there."

"Well you told me. You aren't lying anymore, I know. Leave the rest to me now, the burden of the truth is on me and I'm your mother. I'll decide if it needs to be told to anyone else, do you understand?"

I nodded, knowing it was her way of trying to make me feel less guilty about it.

Saturday, Mama told me to stay home and rest and they would go out to the farm to help get everything ready for the reception. I was glad she did, since between my monthly and my fear, I was in no state to be around people.

Even Sunday morning, I was shaking so badly I almost told Daddy to call the whole thing off. I was terrified of having to leave home and becoming a wife. Of having to go to my marital bed.

Maybe John wouldn't want that right away? Maybe he would understand if I wanted to wait a bit. Anyway, I was on my monthly and it wouldn't be right to go to a marital bed in that state.

At least I hoped it wasn't. Mama never told me what to expect in that instance.

Mama helped me get ready, then Daddy gave me a finger of brandy, telling me to drink it down to calm my nerves. It burned going down and I coughed, shaking my head, not liking it at all.

It did seem to help though, as we drove to the church. We hadn't gone to morning services, Mama said it was bad luck for the bride to be seen before she came down the aisle. Daddy was fine with that since there was a guest speaker and he didn't like the man's sermons at all.

When they led me inside, it was through a back door, but I could hear people inside, talking to each other. There was a buzz in the room and it seemed to fill my ears as I froze up right there in the hall. Daddy had to pull me down the hall forcibly, my feet refusing to move.

At the door, I locked up again as Mama tried to arrange my veil.

"Daddy?!? What if he's only pretty on the outside? Ugly inside like Punk?"

"Then you'll call me and he'll be shot trying to escape too. I'll always protect you, Cass, alright? Also, I know he's a good man. He's not ugly on the inside at all, he's a good, gentle soul with a kind heart. Alright?"

"How do you know for certain?"

"I asked around about him quite a bit, Cass. There's not one soul who has a bad word to say about him. They all say he's good and kind and generous with his time. Always ready to help a neighbor out. Even asked the principal at your school. Said he liked to smile and joke around a bit too much, but he was all around a good kid. Never fell in with the being mean to other kids or mouthing back to teachers. He's even friends now with Mr Watkins, has him out to fish sometimes. Your old History teacher?"

"You promise if I call, you will come straight away?" I asked, shaking as Mama smoothed the veil out over my hair.

"Promise," he agreed gently. He pulled my hand through his arm and put his other hand over it as the doors were opened and the music started.

When Daddy led me out, my eyes went right to the front, to Johnny. His face split into a grin, lit up with happiness and tears welled up in his eyes. I felt a calmness wash over me then, and I knew. Johnny was good. Johnny was everything Punk wasn't.

I was still stiff and shaking as Daddy led me down the aisle, but he didn't have to drag me.

Johnny had tears rolling down his cheeks, his smile huge as Daddy stopped to pass me off to him, then his hands clutched mine.

I knew this was right. It was right and good. I could love this man.

I stared up at him and only half listened to the preacher talking. Enough that I knew when to say my vows. It took an eternity, but when it was over, I felt like it was too soon.

I was married now. A wife. No longer just a daughter, I was a wife first.

Johnny's hands were on my face suddenly and he was on a knee in front of me, leaning in. His lips met mine as I jerked slightly in surprise, but they did not linger as he pulled back and looked down at me joyfully.

"Mrs. Riley. Boy, do I like the sound of that! I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world, Cass!" he whispered, then picked me up as he stood, sweeping me completely off my feet as I threw my arms around his neck. He walked back down the aisle to cheering and people throwing rice at us as he grinned down at me. His truck had streamers tied on the back and I was still flustered and overwhelmed as he opened the door and set me inside his truck. "See you all back at the house!" he called loudly to everyone piling out of the church.

Getting in, he grinned at me again and I managed a breathless smile back as I righted my dress.

"Your mom has you a dress laid out so you can change when you get home," he told me, watching me as often as he watched the road. "She put most everything away too, so you wouldn't have it to do and we could just be newlyweds. I had the icebox put in last week and the new stove is arriving sometime this next week, Joe will call me when it's in. You look so beautiful, Cass! Like an angel comin' in the room and walking up that aisle."

"You look handsome in your suit," I told him, wracking my brain for something to say.

"You don't have to say that," he half laughed.

"But I mean it. You're handsome, Johnny. I always thought so, even the first time I saw you."

"You did? Molly Jo, my cousin, always said my crooked smile made it so I'd never win any beauty contests."

"I like your crooked smile, it has a lot of character. Plus, the way your smile lights up your whole face, especially your eyes, it's nice. I like it especially well. I thought right off that your lips looked nice for kissing," I told him, blushing but feeling a bit bold saying it.

"You did?!? You thought of kissing me right off?"

"I... thought your lips were nice for kissing. I didn't imagine doing such a thing, but they look so soft and nice and full. And I like that you shave and there's no whiskers anywhere to feel rough. Pa Gene had whiskers and he'd kiss my cheek and I hated how rough they felt. Pa Emanuel had a mustache and it mostly tickled, but I didn't like that either."

"Cass, I think this is the most you've ever spoken to me!" Johnny laughed, reaching over and taking my hand. "I should've made you my wife sooner so I could get more words out of you!"

"Daddy gave me brandy," I confided.

"I wondered about all the color in your cheeks," he chuckled. "I imagine that would loosen your tongue a bit! Might have to fill your glass a few times this evening! And see that plenty of toasts are made!"

I blushed, but held his hand as tight as he was holding mine.

"Fair warning," he spoke after a moment. "I intend to kiss you proper once I get you home. Walk you over the threshold, then set you down and kiss you till your toes curl!"

A giggle escaped as my face heated to my ears and I covered my mouth quickly.

Johnny's grin broadened and he drove a little faster.

Turning, I got up on my knees to look out the back window to see if anyone was close behind us and Johnny laughed. "Wondering how much time we'll have?" he asked, slipping his arm around my waist to pull me down against him.

I laid back on his chest and held his arm around me, smiling as I propped my feet in the seat and let him hold me against him. I liked the feel of it, hugging his big arm and him holding me so close. It was another perfect moment that brought my heart a perfect sort of peace and happiness.

When he pulled into the driveway, I was almost sad to let the moment go, but he was excited as he hopped out of the truck and pulled me out, half tossing me up in the air. I laughed and kicked as he grinned, and I clutched his neck tight so he couldn't toss me up and catch me again. He carried me inside quickly, then set me down on the kitchen counter before taking my face in his massive hands.

Leaning in quickly, he wasn't quick or gentle as he pressed his lips to mine hungrily. Passionately. The need was so much that it made my heart ache and I held on to his wrists as he held my face. After a moment, I realized I should be kissing him back and shook myself before attempting to follow his very thrilling example.

A flash in my mind of Punk kissing me, tasting of old cigarettes and smelling of sour sweat with blood in my mouth. Screaming and tears and pain.

I pulled back, trying to breathe and he pressed his head to mine. "Mmmm, baby girl, I can't wait to show you the world. Cass? Cass, are you alright? What's wrong?" he asked, going to a knee and looking up at me.

"I just... I... nothing. I just... yours was so much better. Nicer. You smell good and you don't taste bad and you didn't hurt me... but it was in my head. It scared me a minute is all. Remembering like I was there. I'm fine now... you're so different and I can feel and smell and see and taste that."

"You think you're gonna be alright? For... everything?"

"I... I don't know," I told him honestly, hoping he would be understanding.

"We'll see. I'll take it slow and gentle, and like you said. I'm different in every way. You'll know that. It'll all be just fine," he promised as a car pulled up outside. He sighed and stood up, then gave me a smile. "Guess that's the end of our stolen moment alone?" he asked teasingly.

His little brother came running in the door. "Pops needs your help carry'n in the big cooler. Ma's about to have a bird already! She forgot extra silverware and pops said it's too far to drive back just for silverware. Folks can use spoons or something. Hey! Is someone bringing soda pop?"

Johnny helped me off the counter, chuckling before going outside to help his dad.

A few minutes later, Mama and Daddy both came in, carrying boxes full of things. Mama immediately led me back to the room to help me get the wedding dress of and change onto the lovely yellow lawn dress she'd picked out for me. Sitting me down, she unpinned my hair and let it down, my black curls falling down my back. Picking up the brush, she hesitated, then started sobbing.

"My baby! This will be the last time I ever get to do this!" she cried, hugging me close.

I hugged her back, tears in my eyes.

By the time we made it outside, the yard was almost full of people. All the tables were almost full and Johnny grinned at me as he hurried across the yard.

"Cass! You look amazing! Yellow really is your color! Come on, our seats are over here!" he told me, leading me to a single table facing two rows of tables that were facing each other.

Sitting there next to him and my mother felt both amazing and terrifying. This was all happening so quickly, the day would be over before I knew it! Then night would come. I needed to find a way to convince him not to do it. Not to take me to our marital bed.

There were toasts to sit through, then we ate dinner and cut our cake. I liked the dancing the best, when he bend down and picked me up to sit on his arm as the little band played. We danced a slow circle, my arms around his neck and our heads pressed together.

It was another perfect moment I wanted to hold in my heart forever.

After that dance, there was more dancing and livelier music. I got to dance with Daddy and uncles and cousins and Johnny's dad and brother. It was exhausting and fun, and Johnny whispered more than once that he really liked how giddy a few sips of wine made me.

As a song was winding down, Daddy stood up and rang for a toast, keeping the band from going on to the next song.

"I think we've all kept this young couple long enough! I'm sure they'd both appreciate the rest, but anyone who wants to can come back with us in the morning and help clean up! We're showing up around 10! I said it once already and so has about everyone else, but I wish you two the best of luck and the happiest of days. John, take good care of my girl."

"I will, sir," Johnny agreed quickly.

"Then we're all going to head out! You two have a good night and don't you even think about touching this mess! We'll all be back in the morning to help clean up!"

I felt terror wash over me. I wanted to ask everyone to stay a while longer, but everyone started picking up to go. Johnny was shaking hands and women were coming to hug me goodnight and well-wish us.

Too soon it was just our parents left, hugging us and telling us goodnight and they'd be back in the morning.

I stood in the driveway with Johnny, waving goodbye. As soon as the last car pulled on the road, Johnny turned to me with his smile, then picked me up and tossed me over his shoulder to haul inside as I tried to stifle giggles.

They stopped soon enough when he took me straight back to the bedroom and let me down on the bed. He was still grinning as he laid me back and leaned in to kiss me. A single quick kiss, then he was kissing me again and again.

"I love you, Cass!" he whispered between kisses. "I love you so much!"

"Wait! Wait a minute Johnny! Can we slow down a little? Talk?"

"About what, Cass?" he asked, stroking my hair back out of my face.

"I just... can we hold on for a bit? I'm... still on my monthly and that's..."

"Oh, I don't care about that, it's fine! It might even ease the way a bit. I can just get a towel and we can clean up after, it'll be fine."

"I'm afraid, Johnny! It hurt so much and I... I keep remembering and it scares me. Do you think we could just wait a few nights? At least until I'm off my monthly?"

"Cass! It'll just get worse and worse the more control you let the fear have over you. I just need to show you that things can be different, they can be good. I'll be gentle, I promise. I'll take care of everything, alright? I'll go get a towel, why don't you take off your shoes and your dress, alright?"

"Do I have to, Johnny?" I asked forlornly. He was going to make me. Force me. Just like Punk.

"Cass, it's going to be fine. I promise. It's the most natural, normal thing in the world and all married couples do it, alright? I'll do my very best not to hurt you, I promise. Come on now, take off your shoes and dress for me, alright? I'll get a towel."

He left and I sat there a moment, feeling miserable and afraid. Turning, I pulled one foot up and undid one shoe, then the other before sliding off the bed to unbutton my dress.

Johnny came back in and folded a towel in half, then laid it in the middle of the bed before looking over at me with parted lips.

"You need help with that?" he asked softly, moving closer to undo the buttons down my back.

I let him, trying not to shake too badly. This was normal, it was supposed to happen. He was my husband. So why was I so terrified?

His large hands slid the dress off my shoulders, then down my arms. I wanted to catch it, to hold it up and hide myself, but I forced myself to stillness.

"It's alright, Cass," Johnny whispered softly, his fingertips on my hips now as the dress dropped down to my feet. Sliding his hands over my skin brought up goosebumps and made me shiver as he moved to take off my underclothes.

"Johnny!"

"Shhh, baby, it's fine. It's all fine, I'm gonna take care of everything. Promise," he whispered. Turning me to face him, he lifted me onto the bed, laying me down over the towel before he stepped back and hurriedly took his own clothes off.

I looked away quickly, even though he was only backlit by the light in the hall. When he stood, he stayed still a moment, his gaze going over me again and again. Finally, he let out a trembling breath and climbed into the bed next to me.

"Relax a little, Cass. It's going to be fine, I promise. Look at me," he whispered.