PUNKS Ch. 12: Non-Exclusive Clause

"Why are you bringing this up? What does it have to do with us today?"

"After a half dozen of those dinner parties and art galas, I was hurting. What did I say?"

"I don't remember, Joe."

"Because you weren't listening," Joe said in a calmer tone.

"Okay, I remember. You said you didn't belong in my world," she said lowly.

"And what else?"

"That someday I'd outgrow you... and I'd come to realize it."

"And that you'd dump my ass. Guess what, you did it. I was right all along."

Tina was silent for a moment. "Our breakup had nothing to do with that."

"It didn't? Months ago you admitted that you didn't see me in your future."

"That was about your band, and the time you spent on the road... and then you broke your promise."

Joe's tone wasn't angry anymore, but it still wasn't nice. "After you told me you were having doubts about us, I replayed some of those fights with a new perspective. Now that broken promise seems awfully convenient. I let you off the hook. You could be the victim, and I, the bad guy. It justified you leaving me."

"Joe, please slow down. I promise you, that is not what happened."

"When you tortured me that summer, I couldn't believe anyone could be that cruel to someone they loved. I had to accept the fact that you had fallen out of love with me. Now that's confirmed. You had doubts all along. Me leaving for the European tour was just the last straw."

Tina didn't reply. She needed to tell Joe it was time for her to go, she had an appointment, but she didn't want to hang up with him in a foul mood. She was afraid he might cut her off again.

"I'm sorry Tina. This is what new evidence does, it causes me to rewind my life and replay that time adding in the new information. It's not good."

"Are you done?" Tina asked softly.

"I think so," Joe said. "I need to go, T."

"Are we okay, Joe?"

"I don't know, T. I'm having a hard time with this."

After he hung up Joe felt awful about how he reacted to Tina's complaints about work pressure. It illustrated the problem they had talking on the phone. The mere mention of that summer of '84 triggered his darkest thoughts. What he said was a fact. The more they talked about their breakup, the more information Tina offered about where her head was at the time - the more Joe replayed and reconstructed what happened. Right or wrong, Joe was rewriting their stupid history in his head.

Joe didn't contact Tina for well over a week. She allowed him the time and distance. When Joe finally got back to Tina via email, he apologized for losing his temper.

-- April 14, 1994, 8:22 PM PST

I'm sorry I took your words the wrong way. You did nothing to deserve that. It's just me being too sensitive about that time in our lives. This is why I say our phone calls are risky. We should stick with email for a while.

-- April 15, 1994, 7:55 AM EST

I understand, Joe. Apology accepted. I should have realized talking about that summer was dumb. It wasn't about us, so it didn't occur to me. Email is fine, but I hope we can find a way to talk without falling into these traps. I love talking to you. It means a lot to have you in my life.

Love, T

An apology was made. The apology was accepted, but the problem was Joe didn't follow through with more emails. Another week passed. Tina sent him an email he didn't reply to. A second week passed. Joe's phone rang at 6:15 AM

"Hello?"

"Joe?"

"Yeah."

"It's Jenna."

"Hey, Jen. Do you know what time it is in California?" he said groggily.

She paused. "Fuck. I forgot about the time difference."

"Yeah, I'm in bed, but I'm awake now, so fuck it. What's going on? Is everything okay? We haven't talked in ages."

"That's a different problem was can address later. Everything is not okay here. You need to talk to Tina. She's a mess. This cutting-her-off bullshit has got to stop. You have no idea what this does to her."

"First of all, I haven't cut her off. We're okay. I just haven't been in touch. I'm busy. I just got back after three days in Seattle. I'm running a business too. The other thing is, she once cut me off for thirteen months, so I do have an idea how that feels."

"If you're okay, please call her, or email. Do something. She's in a bad place right now. She got in business with some investors who asked her for help procuring art. Now they're total assholes, super demanding, calling every day. One guy showed up here and berated her. it's been bad."

"She should probably get out of business with them."

"It's not that easy. They're highly influential in our world and could harm her reputation. The other thing is Troy's stupid pride in not taking the deal the feds offered."

"She should probably get out of that marriage."

"Ya think?" Jen laughed, "nothing would make me happier than to see her ditch that greedy son-of-a-bitch and get back with you."

Joe didn't reply to that comment.

"There's so much going on in her life," Jenna said, "Do you know what worries her most? That she's losing you. I know you've had some difficulties of late. Tina feels you're slipping away."

"We live cross country and I'm living my life. That's all it is."

"Look Joe, please do me a favor and reach out to her. Tell her you love her. No one makes Tina happier than you do when you're sweet to her."

"I'll send her an email. I don't know how sweet it'll be. I'm trying to not get myself caught in that trap of hope again. She's not leaving Troy and I've been a fool thinking otherwise."

"Is that what this is about, you giving up?"

"Giving up, moving on, call it what you like. I'm trying to manage the situation."

"Never give up, Joe. She loves you. Believe me, I know. Her head is so fucked up right now, she needs you." Jenna softened her tone, "Look, Tina is my best friend. You were my other best friend when you were together. I love you guys and I want you to be happy. I know you're not, and neither is she. I wish I could fix it. I really do."

"I love you too, Jen. I miss hanging out with you."

"Then why don't you come to New York anymore? You haven't been here since October, over six months, and I barely saw you that visit. I bet you didn't know I was upset about that."

"I did not, and I'm sorry. Jen, my life changed when the band ended. I have no business out there at the moment. That will change someday, our main office is still in Chelsea. And to be truthful, I am trying to get over her and get on with my life."

"I understand that Joe, but I'm telling you to not give up on T. You're her knight in shining armor."

Joe laughed. "My armor has lost some luster over the years."

"Not for her. She loves you, Joe. Please talk to her, even if it's just for me."

"Okay, Jen. I'll do it for you."

"Thanks. I'm sorry I woke you."

He hung up the phone. "Fuck!" Staring at the ceiling, Joe thought of the line from Scarface. "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in."