All Comments on 'Rachel Pays for Husband’s Mistake'

I'm confused about how much he lost. Was it $2,000, $1,600, or $1,000? All three total were quoted.

Where is the rest of the story?

I find it interesting that guys who write lousy stories now want to tell us we can't criticize them. Get over yourself dickweed and write something worth reading. 1* for being an arrogant putz.

I guess you've never played cards but Matt's three of a kind doesn't beat Jeff's full house. Maybe do a little research before you write a story.

Plus, I thought you stated each of the four playing started with $200. Meaning the maximum pot could only be $800. How did it reach $1600 (or whichever of those figures were mentioned. $2000, 1600 or $1000)

Is English your first language? = "A $2,000?" "A $1,600?" As Justplainjeff, just what is the amount? Besides these you mentions $1000.

Awful, unfinished, and "Everyone STARED," not "starred."

(A) only half the story? (B) three fours, a king, and an ace does not beat a full house. Normally i'd shrug and avoid nitpicking that, but its literally central to the entire story.

I do appreciate the effort though!

Consider using an editor.

I agree the amount of money lost compared to their debt made this all confusing. But she was not really that mad about sucking dick, was she? So in any part two there is really no way to end it differently. If she dumps him, why suck dick? Just leave home for betting her. If he dumps her for doing it, why bet? So the only ending is what you have. She sucks off his friend and he is OK with it.

I won't rate the story because it is a fragment of a story, in terms of style is okay, but it is hard to tell if as a whole story it would be good. There is no emotion here, no angst on hubbys part, nothing from the wife, they are like robots to me.

Did a chunk get left out when submitted? Weirdly abrupt ending without a period…

The story is incomplete

Agree with previous comments. I was looking for the rest of the story plus the dollar figure changing constantly led to much confusion - But with a few edits and a continuation I'm sure it could make a good story - 'Come on- you can work with this......

Did you forget to finish the story?

The money part was all over the place. Also could have used more character build up, but I’m a sucker for plots like this. The ending has a ton of potential. Go back and add a part 2 please.

I’ll give you three stars until then,

... and you didn't finish the story.

I just can't believe that you submitted a part story. Just plain odd. Was going OK then just drops off a cliff. Strange

$1,000 or $1,600 or $2,000. Suggest you proof read your material.

Also, why send when it's half done?

I'd up the money. $2000 or less is hardly enough to justify her blowing him. If it were... $10,000 that might work. It needs to feel plausible. Most people can find $2K somewhere (especially married couples). Otherwise, I like it.

Suggestions: (1.) Use tags--readers like to know what's deeper than the title and tag line--you owe them that much. (2.) The dialogue felt like a transcript at times. Add some visuals, some ambience. You use dialogue tags well, but up your action beat use. Reader like to see what they're reading. (3.) End your story with a bit more force. 1-2-3 Stars.

How does three fours, an ace and a king beat a full house?

I think the loser of the bet (Jeff) ought to suck the winner of the bet (Matt).

I think she would have done it without the bet.

I agree it wasn't a complete story and the money amounts were all over the place, but Matt had 3 4's and and ace. Aces were wild so he had 4 of a kind.

You went from Jeff losing $2,000 to $1,600 to $1,000 to $200 I think that’s it but could be mistaken simply because there were plenty of other figures thrown into the mix and it was mind-numbing at best so I’d rather make a glaring dumb mistake than to look back through the story again . And of course the grand finale that just suddenly stopped mid sentence , like an alien abduction victim whom vanished without a trace . They story had potential but needs serious work , less confusion , more emotions , an editor and an ending . Like the old adage says :”all’s well that ends well”

A lot more work to be done on this before it becomes a decent story. As usual in these stories no reason is given why she didn't just say, "No". Who wants to stay married to a guy who bets you in a poker game?

You suck!!!! Not finishing a story like this & leaving us hanging.

This isn’t even a story yet

Apart from the missing period, the ending works just fine for me. It's comic. She's quite put out at having to blow this man she hardly knows, and now hubby is offering suggestions for increasing the guy's pleasure while she's doing it. That's funny. I would love to see the look Rachel gives Jeff at that point.

My main suggestion for improvement (apart from fixing the dollar-sums) is this. As in many modern "popular" novels, too high a proportion of the text here is dialogue. I'd like to have some inkling also of Jeff's & Rachel's thoughts, facial expressions, movements, small but revealing behaviors, past experiences; some inkling of what people and things look like; and so on. A good work of literature reports much more than just words that are spoken and heard.

All in all (and despite its problems), I enjoyed the story. I'd say 3.67 stars. (I'll need to round that to the nearest whole number).

Oops. It was Frank who made the suggestion at the end, not Jeff. My mistake. It's still funny, though.

I’ll end this for you since you don’t wanna

"So, what's it gonna be, Jeff? You got $1,600, or is your sexy wife going to be on her knees?" Matt asked.“

Jeff looked up from his phone and grinned. “Hey look here Matt, it says my full house beats your 3 of a kind.”

Matt read Jeff’s phone and felt like a dumbass for forgetting something so basic.

Matt then handed over the $1,600

Rachel was so happy to know they won the money that she pulled off Jeff’s pants and started sucking him off right at the table.

Matt got a boner from watching and realized he was a cuck. This was the start to his journey of cucktitude.

Jeff and Rachel kicked them out and then fucked like bunnies that night.

The end

Unfinished story is an annoying waste of time. If the write is looking for advice, mine is to pay attention to what you are posting. Since this cut off in mid-sentence, I am guessing this was not written this way by design.

uh un finished is sad

I liked where it was going; hopefully you finish it.

Okay, agree, unfinished. But to everyone criticizing the cards....HE HAD A WILD ACE THAT GAVE HIM 4 OF A KIND....Geez, know your cards before nitpicking.

I love it. The anonymous assclown down below that thought he would be cute and try to make the writer look bad, only succeeded in making himself look like a complete fool. His comment about a full house beating three of a kind, while correct, doesn’t come into play because Matt had FOUR of a kind. Three Fours and a wild card.

Now slink back under your rock and let the writer continue his story.

More please.

You’re right 26thNC. She probably would have done it without the bet. Just….like….you.

There seems to be a lot of dumb people who read these stories. The man said that aces were wild, therefore Matt had 4 of a kind, which does beat a full house. Pay attention!

I liked the storyline. Ignore the cards. Hope to see more.