Rain

Lukas discussed my options with Doctor Brown. I'd tried to take in all the information, but my mind kept hanging up on keywords and phrases.

The doctor and Lukas were going on about drug trials

I had a sixty-five percent chance of surviving. Lukas had released a huge sigh of relief when the doctor shared that bit of information. I had forced myself to smile while wondering about the other thirty-five percent. Had those women been grateful to hear the odds too, not knowing at the time they stood on the wrong side of the statistic?

My hair has finally grown back and hung almost to my shoulders. I didn't want to wake up every morning to chunks of it on my pillow. What good is clean hair when it's clogging the drain in the shower? Soon it will be gone. Every... last... strand.

"When do I start treatment?" I asked, tucking my hair behind my ears. My focus stayed on Doctor Brown. If I so much as glanced over at Lukas, I'd break down. And I couldn't do that.

"Monday."

I closed my eyes and fought the oncoming tears. Feeling sorry for myself wasn't an option. Yeah, I had cancer, nothing I could do about it besides accept the fact.

But that nagging voice in the back of my head kept pushing. I felt fine. Maybe there was a mix-up at the lab. Could the numbers be wrong? Why me? Why again? How could I feel so good, but have cancer ravaging my body?

I swiped the tears from my cheeks. I'd just started to have a life. And now, I was back to being an outcast. Life sucked.

Lukas took me out for dinner. He sat quietly and reserved. His eyes were puffy and red. He didn't throw any chairs at Doctor Brown's office this time, a good sign that he was taking this lapse better than the last one. I hated the stress my disease caused. I tried so hard to be strong, to be positive. But it was too much, and I was tired of fighting.

Neither of us ate much. Our appetites had disappeared with the test results

"So what about this guy, Rolf?"

"What about him?"

"You just disappeared on him. If the guy cares for you as I think he does, he won't let it go."

"The last thing I need is Rolf feeling sorry for me and staying with me out of pity," I let out a long exasperated sigh. "I can't deal with this right now, Lukas. Don't you think I have already too much on my plate?"

He nodded. "Sorry."

The mental image of Rolf, sitting alone in the living room, reading my note, made my heart shrink.

Not that I was seriously considering a future with him. What future can you offer when you're not certain you actually have one? Better cry now for a girl who left him, than cry later for a girl who died of cancer.

"No, I am not giving up," I said to myself.

Lukas drove me in silence to an apartment he'd rented for me, which suited me well.

When I left the center the first time I was here, I told myself, "It's not fair. I don't want to stop living my life that way I want to. I won't let cancer steal my joy. I plan to keep enjoying every second of my life."

I knew that it was a temporary state, but that almost made it more beautiful. I slurped up every second of it.

Now that the time was over, I wanted more. I still had so many things to do, so many places to visit.

***

The weekend moved slower than a funeral procession, sorry, bad joke.

I let Lukas take me out to a restaurant again. I'd be puking my guts out soon enough, so I figured I might as well enjoy as many good meals as I could.

Soon, I'd be back to being 'the bald girl with cancer.' I hated it.

On Monday, Lukas drove me to the center and told me that he was planning to fly back to Austria the next day.

I completely understood. He had a family, a business, and responsibilities. He had been already kind enough with me. I couldn't ask for more.

"Hi, Rain, I am Julia," the nurse said, as I walked into the hospital room Monday morning. I was on a first-name basis with all the nurses and staff members on the floor. They still remembered me. I am pretty sure Lukas tipped all of them.

"I remember you. You have two kids, and your husband is a firefighter, right?"

"Yes, that's me. I hoped I'd never see you in here again, darling."

"That makes two of us." I sat down on the reclining bed.

I squeezed my eyes closed, as Julia rubbed alcohol on my hand before inserting the IV. Watching made my stomach crawl. Feeling the needle go in felt bad enough, seeing it just reminded me how real it all was. The central line, my first of many visual reminders, would soon be attached to my chest.

In my mind, I was back in Middletown. Everything was more vibrant, more beautiful. All of the colors so magnificently blended together, yet still their own hues and shades.

"All done," Julia announced, bringing me back to reality. "Doctor Brown will be here in a few minutes. I'm sure you don't, but I have to ask, do you have any questions?"

I shook my head. I had no questions. I could probably write a textbook of procedures by now.

Julia sat down on the bed next to me and ran her fingers through my hair. "Your hair is beautiful, Rain. I really like this cut on you."

"Thank you."

Last time, when my hair started falling out, Julia sat with me, holding my hand as I cried. I knew it was just hair, but it was my hair. Soon, I'd look like Professor X.

I tried a wig once. Once was enough. It itched.

The annoying part of being bald wasn't the stares or the whispers, or even the silence. It was the people that felt sorry for me. I didn't want them to pity me. I was a warrior.

I'd beaten cancer once, and I could do it again, at least, that's what I told myself.

Doctor Brown walked in and gave us a slight grin. He held my chart in his hands, but he didn't look at it. He probably had it memorized. Julia stood next to him.

"Hey, Rain," he said, flipping on the overhead lights. "So, are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess."

Who was ever ready to be sliced open and have tubes put inside their veins?

Julia patted my shoulder. "You're my hero," she whispered.

I slipped my right arm out of my bra strap and tank-top sleeve. The procedure happened while I was conscious, but I really wished they'd knock me out. Because of the local anesthetic, I didn't feel pain. I felt the tugging, though. Oh, and I could hear the little tools and the clanking on the metal tray. Those sounds alone were enough to make me nauseous.

Julia smoothed the skin on the right side of my chest with an alcohol wipe. The scent of rubbing alcohol would forever be burned in my nostrils.

"You're going to feel some stinging," Doctor Brown said. Stinging? I didn't think stabbing someone with large needles multiple times in the chest qualified as 'stinging.' I took a deep breath.

Julia held my hand, and I squeezed it harder each time the local anesthetic pricked me. Tears formed behind my lids, but I fought them back. I could be strong. This was nothing.

When Doctor Brown finished, the bed started moving. My head slowly sank down as my feet began to rise. Next to me, Julia never let go of my hand. Her soft expression gave me strength. I balled my other hand into a fist as hard as I could, then slowly let my fingers fan out. I concentrated on breathing steadily. My eyes stayed closed.

Doctor Brown started working. I knew exactly what he was doing. First, he'd insert the needle into a vein in my chest. Then, with Julia's help, he'd put a guidewire into the vein. Next, he'd cut one small slit in my chest and another in my neck. That part I didn't mind. I felt nothing when they cut me. It was the next part that I dreaded.

Julia grabbed the small white garbage can and held it up to my mouth, just in case.

Doctor Brown slid the central line in the lower cut on my chest and came out at the slit in my neck. I felt the pressure it caused. My stomach started to churn, and my mouth exploded with saliva. I tried to hold back. Really, I did. But I couldn't help it.

"Go ahead, Rain," the good doctor assured me. I puked in the basket.

Julia wiped my mouth with a wet paper towel she'd grabbed before she sat down. She swiped my hair back and sighed. I nodded to her. The rest of the procedure happened quickly. I didn't open my eyes until the stitches around the new cuts had been put in place. Already, the central line felt weird, but I knew it would become just another appendage once I got used to it.

"All done," Doctor Brown informed me, as Julia straightened out the bed. "Can you sit up?"

Julia, still holding my hand, helped me up. I felt dizzy and light-headed. The room began to spin. I shook my head, and Julia guided me back down. Feeling the burn rise in my throat, I squeezed Julia's hand twice, our code. I hope she remembered it.

It was the price you paid for having the hospital nurses as your best friends. As soon as I rolled to the side, Julia had the wastepaper basket ready. The worst part wasn't the upchuck, actually; it was the lingering bile aftertaste.

I released my grip on Julia's hand and swung both of my arms over my eyes. Inhaling deeply, I let the air out in a small stream. I just needed a minute. The first time, Doctor Brown had shown me a video of the procedure, I panicked. I'd almost run from his office screaming. And I would have... if I hadn't passed out first. When I came to, the central line had already been placed.

All things considered, I aced it this time. I touched my new appendage involuntarily. I knew what it felt like, but my hand went to it anyway. Feeling it there, protruding from my chest like a lamp cord, made everything more real. Until now, it hadn't been hard to convince myself that the last few days were just a dream.

In a dream, you can pinch yourself and wake up. Now that I had needles and wires pushed through me, I couldn't pretend anymore. This was real.

"Are you ready to head down to X-ray?" Doctor Brown asked. I sighed, and let Julia help me up. She had a wheelchair ready.

I hated being pushed all over the hospital, but honestly, I was in no condition to be walking. I sat down like a good patient and allowed the nurse to wheel me down to the second floor where the technicians would X-ray my new decoration, making sure of its correct position. I did not doubt of its perfect placement, though. Doctor Brown was one of the best oncologists in the nation.

After confirming the line's faultless position, Julia taped it down. She wheeled me into another small room with a couple of reclining chairs, a bed, and a sixty-inch TV hanging on the wall. I moved myself to one of the leather recliners and got comfortable.

Julia attached the chemo drip to my newly placed central line. "Apple juice or orange juice?"

"Orange."

"You need to drink it all, Rain," Julia warned. "I know you. No one else is here today for you to give it to, and I hate cleaning out wastebaskets filled with juice."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. I'll drink it."

"I'm bringing you some crackers, too."

She walked out the door before I could argue.

I was thankful to Julia for offering crackers. I hated inconveniencing her.

"Thanks, Julia," I said, looking up.

She smiled at me and left.

I didn't want to be here. Yes, this really sucked.

Sudden despair filled me and I began to cry in great, agonized sobs, my arms wrapped around myself. But then rage turned inwards and I began to hit myself, hating my own body for betraying me. 'Why me?' I cried out. 'Why me? What have I done?' I would have liked someone to talk to, then, a shoulder to cry on.

I missed Rolf. I missed his arms around me, his warmth beside me in bed, his kisses, his touch, and his comforting words. I missed him and I needed him. I was such an idiot walking out from him as I did.

The sound of the door brought me back from Despairworld. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me, but I guess what I was doing was even worse: I was feeling sorry for myself.

I quickly rubbed away the tears and then I saw him.

"Rain?"

My heart had never technically stopped before that I knew of but at the sight of him, I wondered if it just had.

It was like one of those movies where the woman dies, and the super-hot guy started performing CPR. Then, her heart suddenly began to beat, her eyes flew open, and the first thing she saw was the man of her dreams giving her mouth to mouth.

"Rolf..."

He was like a ray of sunshine on a dark stormy day.

CHAPTER 11: ROLF

"This is not good news, right?" I asked Daniel, watching the expression on his face.

Daniel had texted me Saturday night, he just said had news for me. He didn't even specify if it was good or bad. That made me so nervous.

"I am not sure what kind of news is," Daniel said cautiously. "We couldn't find anything about Rain. Sorry. Too little information to work with. We are not even sure if Rain is her real name. No credit cards. Her phone number is linked to an Austrian company."

I sighed, "Yeah, I supposed so."

Daniel bit his lower lip. "Not much we could do without her real name. Sorry."

"What kind of idiot let a complete stranger into his life and falls in love with her after a chance meeting?"

I looked at Daniel in search of answers. "We all fall in love with people who are basically total strangers. I met my wife in a disco. The most unlikely place to find the love of your life. I took a chance to talk to her, and she chased me because she thought I was worth the risk. Once you fall in love with someone, you don't just stop."

I nodded. I had heard the story before.

"I took my chances dating Georgina. I could have ended up badly hurt. I mean, she is seriously hot, and I am just... me. Somehow we made it work. We are happy. All I can say is that if you find love, hold on to it, don't let it go. Don't let a great love pass you by."

I took my time to let Daniel's words sink in. I had no idea he had become so wise about feelings. I suppose being married does that to you.

"We did find something about this Lukas guy," he said.

I raised my head with interest.

"His name is Lukas Gruber. Austrian. Married. No kids. He has a Facebook page. His family is loaded. He is worth millions. Euros not dollars. We were able to track him down through his car's plates. He rented his car in Seattle. Rain's phone is registered to a company owned by his family."

"Rain didn't look like a materialistic kind of girl, one who needs the latest purse or a wardrobe full of designer outfits. The girl travels with a backpack, for Pete's sake! Which is her relationship with him?"

"I honestly don't know. All I can tell you is that he was the one who drove Rain out of Middletown. He came to pick her up at your place after you left. Nick caught them in a traffic camera."

My heart was pounding in my chest. Nothing made sense to me anymore.

Was I such a fool?

"Do you think they are having an affair?"

Daniel raised his eyebrows. "Again, I don't know. You know Rain better than me. Considering all the good things Georgina says about her, I would say no, but only you can answer that."

The scene of Lukas and Rain dancing in my living room caught a new meaning now. However, I couldn't reconcile the thought that Rain was sleeping with this guy (technically I couldn't call it cheating because I had no idea what kind of relationship we were in), with everything I knew about her.

Was everything an act? Could she have been pretending the whole time? Was she an actress, like no other actress I ever saw? Was it all a lie?

No, I refused to think so.

Rain wasn't sneaky or underhanded. She definitely wasn't the kind of person who would hurt someone on purpose. That explanation she gave me made sense to me once I cooled down.

If she had been pretending the whole time, I had to ask myself what for? What did she get from it?

Yeah, she got a place to live for a couple of months, and some pocket money. But she cooked for me and kept my place cleaner than ever. We also made love almost every day, some days more than once. Could she fake the way she trembled when I pulled her into my arms and kissed her? Could she fake the frantic beating of her heart when we reached orgasm together?

There was so much to contemplate, so much to roll around in my head, that I didn't know where to begin.

"Thank you, Daniel, you gave me a lot to think about."

"I am sorry I couldn't be more helpful. We'll keep looking in case something comes up."

I just nodded and left his place.

***

That night, I was at home trying to cook something for myself when my cell phone rang. I sighed at the unknown number. I had to answer them because it could be a client.

A voice I remembered too well greeted me.

"Hello, Rolf? It's Lukas. Listen..."

The nerve of that man! I didn't let him finish and immediately let him have it.

"You! You had to take her away from me, right, you narcissistic prick? It wasn't enough you danced with MY girl in MY house, you really had to steal her from me..."

"Rolf, wait, this is not what you think it is..."

"It never is, isn't it? Stop making excuses! Did you call to gloat, the best man won and all that crap?"

"Would you shut up for a second a let me talk? Rain loves you, not me. Besides, I am married."

"So you're married, but still you have Rain. Is she your mistress... your lover? What kind of sick game are you two playing...?"

"Shut up! I am faithful to my wife. Rain is a friend, JUST a friend. She was the one who asked me to drive her away from Middletown... away from you because she was scared..."

"Scared? Of me? I was upset when I saw you two dancing, but I would have never laid a finger on her... We talked and I thought we had sorted things out. That's the reason why she left? Because she was afraid I'd do something to her?"

I could hear Lukas growling at the other end of the line. "You're so frustrating, Could you stop talking nonsense for a minute and listen?"

I took a deep breath to calm myself down and said, "I am listening."

"Rain loves you... And I think you love her, too. The reason she left... I am sorry, this is very upsetting news..." he took a deep breath. "I think you have the right to know... I think it was wrong leaving you the way she did... The things is... Rain has cancer."

"What?" The pieces started falling into place somewhere in my mind. I sat down, trying to take it all in. "Did you say cancer? Rain has cancer?"

I was shocked. My mind went blank. I only remember thinking, why didn't I know about it? Rain was my friend, my lover. I should've known first. Did Rain not consider me a friend enough to tell me about her condition? I was stunned. Was Rain dying? God! I was overwhelmed by so many questions at the same time.

"I thought you deserved to know the truth," Lukas said, on the other side of the line.

"I don't understand."

Stupid words. I knew what Lukas had said, but Rain was young, healthy. It didn't make any sense.

"I am sorry, man."

I struggled to take a breath and fought down a wave of nausea.

"Thank you for telling me, Lukas. You did the right thing. So how is she?"

"She has cancer, stupid, how do you think she is?"

"Rain starts chemotherapy on Monday. She is not in a good place now. She needs you, even when she is too stubborn to ask for your help. I am here with her, but I can't stay long. I have a business and a family... I would if she was alone, but I am positive she'd rather have you at her side than me."

"I want to be there for her, Lukas. I love Rain with all my heart. Send me the address of where she is staying. I'll be there as soon as I can."

I could hear Lukas sigh of relief through the line.

"I knew you would. I'll text you the details. Don't worry about the money, my family is taking care of everything. She needs you for emotional support."

"Rain asked for me?"

"Not with some many words."