Rain

I carefully got out of bed and went out for a walk. My phone chimed, and I looked at the screen. It was a text from Lukas.

"Gutten abend, liebe Rain. I hope everything is okay with you and Rolf. I really didn't mean to cause any trouble between you two."

"Yes, everything is okay, Lukas. Can you pick me up tomorrow?"

"Sure. Where are we going?"

I hesitated for a moment, and then typed, "To have myself checked."

"Did Rolf do something do to you?"

"No, of course not!. He is a very sweet person. I just--I need to go."

"What changed?"

"Did you fall out of love with this Rolf guy?"

It would have been easy to answer 'yes', but I didn't want to say more lies, so I typed, "No."

"So I was right. You're in love with him?"

"You're so annoying!"

"You love him, and even so you're leaving him," Lukas insisted.

I looked at the screen for a while.

"You know why. I can let him fall for me."

Another text chimed in.

"Does he know why you are leaving him?"

"No. He'll never know. It will kill him."

"You truly care about this guy."

"Yes, I will. That's why I have to leave before our relationship gets too serious, and he ends with a broken heart."

"I think it's too late for that. I saw the love in his eyes, and I think in yours too. I am not sure running away is a good idea. Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes. This is what I want. Are you going to help me or not?"

"You know I'll do. But if Rolf loves you like I think he does, he won't care."

"I know. That's why I have to leave. I can't drag Rolf into what is certain to be months of pain and misery. I can't."

"I think you're making a big mistake. I'll pick you up tomorrow, though. Just text me when you are ready."

I went back to Rolf's place and climbed into our bed. I was lucky he was a heavy sleeper. I wrapped my arms around him and let the tears stream until exhaustion finally won, and I fell asleep.

***

The next morning, Rolf woke up and got ready to drive to Seattle again. I couldn't help but think that this was going to be our last time together.

I was going to miss him.

Rolf opened his mouth a few times, testing the words before he spoke. "I-I'm sorry if you thought I was angry at you. I'm not. I had no right to act like I did."

I looked at him, a reassuring smile on my face

"We talked and sorted things out. We are good, Rolf."

He moved closer, his eyes roaming over my face as if he was seeing me for the first time, searching for something in my features.

"You have this light inside you like you've swallowed the sun or a whole star or something. You're so happy and alive. I became addicted to you."

I touched his face, a spark running through my body from the warmth of his skin as I cupped his jaw. "We're all alive. We all have light inside us. We're all living, breathing people who are lucky enough to be alive, right now, on this planet floating through space. Pretty amazing if you think about it."

He moved his head up and down. "You look at the world with a child's eyes. One of your many charms."

"Now you're sweet-talking me," I said, while I playfully punched his arm.

"I want to kiss you." His words, which tumbled in a low growl from his lips, stunned me. I could see by the way his eyes rounded that he'd surprised himself, as well.

"We have kissed. Many times. You never asked my permission before."

"I know, but somehow I felt I should ask today. Something feels different..."

"If he knew."

"Maybe, if I kissed him hard enough, I could chase away the sadness from his eyes. Perhaps I could remind him his life was still worth to be lived, even if I wasn't part of it anymore."

My arms came up to circle his shoulders, my fingers sliding into his hair as I tilted my head back, welcoming his mouth to mine. His lips were full and warm, and they slanted against mine.

His arms came around me, lifting me to the tips of my toes as he deepened the kiss, sliding his mouth across mine and drawing my tongue tentatively into a wanton dance with his. A small sound escaped me, like a contented sigh, and I felt his arms tighten around me, drawing me closer.

When the kiss broke, we remained close. I struggled to catch my breath.

The pulse in my throat still raced. I didn't think I'd ever been kissed in a way that left me slightly dizzy before.

At least our last kiss was a good one.

"I'll see you tonight, Rain," he said, closing the door behind him.

I just nodded and waved.

I stood there watching the door for a long time. Then, I dragged myself to the bedroom and packed my stuff. I didn't take much time. I always travel light. After all, I was the queen of moving.

I hated goodbyes, didn't see the point of them, since they only made people feel sad and reminded them of how finite everything in life was.

"Better to just leave," I told myself, "no sad, drawn-out goodbyes, leave while the memories are still good and ones to be cherished."

I'd never made a commitment really to anyone or anything, but I could feel myself getting close with Rolf, and it scared the life out of me.

I texted Lukas, and he was at the door quicker than expected. I climbed into his car and let out a long sigh. Hot tears of pain pricked up in my eyes.

"Are you sure about this, Rain?"

"Yes, it's for the best."

"You didn't tell him?" Lukas couldn't help the accusation in his voice. I didn't blame Lukas for confronting me, for making me answer questions I didn't want to answer.

"No," I said, keeping my voice as light as possible. "It's not something I share with people voluntarily. The only reason why you know is because I got sick while I was staying with you and your family, and you took me to a hospital before I woke up."

"Rolf looks like a great guy. I am sure he'll understand."

Tears escaped, flowing slowly and steadily for several minutes before giving way to huge, soul-wracking sobs.

"I've never seen you so happy, so in love--"

"I think you're overstating what's going on between Rolf and me," I interrupted him. "What we have isn't serious. We like each other, enjoy each other's company. That's it."

"Rain... You're lying to yourself."

"I won't tell Rolf I am sick," I blurted out. "There's no reason for him to know. There is no way I can heap my disaster on him, Lukas. I would appreciate it if you just drive away, okay?"

"Okay, but I think you're making a big mistake. Besides, we don't know for sure if you are sick again."

I just shrugged. Deep inside, I knew something wasn't right with me.

"I'm not running away," I told myself as we traversed the streets of Middletown. "I've left him a note. I'm simply moving on before things get too heavy."

I couldn't deal with the conversations in my own mind right now, much less explain to Rolf why things between us were over.

I tried to catch my breath, but my lungs wouldn't capture the air. There was a two-ton weight on my chest, threatening to crush me.

I was too tired to even try to get a grip on my emotions. Control was pointless. I gave in. The flood of tears flowed down my cheeks.

Lukas turned on the radio, which saved him from thinking of ways to make small talk as he drove away.

"Maybe birds got it right. Mate for one season, and move on," I muttered to myself.

It was raining outside and it was raining inside.

CHAPTER 9: ROLF

The streets of Seattle were still full of cars. Although the sun had already set, the streets were still bright with the combination of lights on in buildings, as well as vehicle and streetlights. Despite the bustle of activity, I was blind to everything happening around me as my thoughts went back to Rain.

Last night, I had let my anger get the best of me. Rain was one of those rare people who could truly have deep friendships with the opposite sex.

Even so, it was hard for me to comprehend how Rain had all of these "close friends" who happened to be male. I'd never had a platonic female friend that was equivalent to Rain's relationship with Lukas. Of course, I wasn't as social as Rain.

I felt intensely protective of her.

I twisted my mouth, recognizing my feelings for what they were, petty jealousy, as I drove through the busy streets of Seattle.

I had to tell Rain how I felt about her. How much she had changed my life from that very first moment I saw her dancing in the rain. How much I enjoyed being with her. How much I loved the way she laughed, even when I wasn't trying to be funny. How she... I don't know... restored my faith in humanity...? Was that too strong? I don't think so. Rain definitely restored my faith in life and love.

I knew I had found something real. She was the greatest thing that happened to me. My only concern was about the future.

I had to tell her I loved her and wanted a full relationship with her. A happy, healthy relationship hinges on good communication. I needed to address the elephant in the room.

My mother's sage advice about relationships came to my mind: "If you don't rock the boat by talking about the important things in your relationship, one day she may suddenly say, 'I'm out of here.' And it will hit you like a brickbat because you didn't see it coming."

I felt drained from the long day at the seminar, and the adrenaline leaving my body. I opened the front door, and walked into my house.

"Rain?" I said quietly.

The living room was dark. I stopped and listened, hoping for some clue as to where she was. Dead silence.

"Rain, where are you?" I called out. All the lights were out. I was disappointed that she didn't run to me and offered me her greeting of light kisses peppered all over my face that I so enjoyed.

I patted the wall for the light switch, and flipped it on. I'm not sure what I expected with the lights on, but nothing seemed different.

A knot formed in my stomach as I scanned the room.

Clenching my fists, I walked across the living room. All I heard was the beating of my own heart and the heaviness of my breath.

Maybe Rain was just asleep. And maybe this feeling in the pit of my stomach was my imagination.

"Please, just be asleep."

Something else didn't feel right. Goose bumps formed over my arms.

"There's something I need to tell you," I hollered.

"I love you," I screamed in my mind.

There was a note by the coffee pot. My heart sank.

I had always feared that at some point Rain was going to fly away looking for new adventures.

I felt my stomach knotting as I read what she wrote to me.

Dear Rolf,

I have to leave. I can't explain why, but it's nothing you did or didn't do. Nothing you are or aren't. This is about me, not you.

Please don't torment yourself trying to figure out what you did wrong, or what you could have done differently. I was immensely happy with you and I loved every minute we shared. I am attracted to the essence of a person, not his looks. Beauty is in the soul and you, my dear Rolf, have the most beautiful soul I've ever met.

No, there is not another man. I would never do that to you.

I have my reasons to leave the way I did. I know this will hurt. Please forgive me. But it would hurt more if I stay.

I know it doesn't look like it, but I do love you.

Please take care,

Rain

I just sat on the couch, numb and in shock, not knowing what to do next. I couldn't feel anything. I wrestled back and forth with myself.� � � � � � � � � � � � �

Why did it have to end? What went wrong? Was it because of our argument? I thought we were good. I thought we were moving toward something.

I needed to talk with Rain one last time and get closure. To know what went wrong and all that.

To do that, first I needed to find her. I knew exactly who could help me.

***

"Well, well, well, the prodigal son is back. Ready to get your ass kicked in Halo Infinite?" my friend, Daniel, greeted me as soon as he opened the door of his house.

"Hi Daniel, I didn't come to play Halo, sorry."

Daniel studied my face for a moment.

"Are you okay?" he asked pointedly.

"I've been better," I answered truthfully.

"Come on in. Take a seat. I'll make you a tea. What's wrong?" His face was etched with concern.

I hesitated, about how to bring up what happened with Rain.

"It's about Rain"

"The hippy chick that has been living at your place?"

"Yes, the one and only."

"Georgina loves her. Well, everyone loves her," he said, placing a cup of tea in front of me. "People have been wondering which is the deal with you two. There are all kinds of theories around."

"Are there?"

"Well, it's Middletown, man. Gossip is like a sport here. If you are looking for tips about how to close the deal with her, I am afraid I have none. Georgina chased me relentlessly 'til I said yes to her."

Daniel was married to a gorgeous gym teacher. If he had any hidden talent that made his wife fall for him, he had kept it a secret. He was as nerd as they come.

"Well, you can count yourself among the lucky ones, Daniel. Rain not only didn't chase after me, but she ran away."

"Aww, Rolf. I am sorry. What can do for you?"

"You can help me find her."

Daniel twisted his mouth, "Please don't tell me you're going to go all pathetic and beg her to come back, because that never works. I know it firsthand."

"Honestly, I would, if I knew it would make her come back. But Rain is not like that," I took a sip of my tea.

"What did she say when she left?"

"Nothing. She moved out while I was in a seminar in Seattle. She left me a note."

I handed Rain's note to Daniel. He adjusted the glasses on his nose and read it slowly.

"I've been subjected to some lame breakup excuses, but this is a good one. She is not blaming you for anything you did. That must be a relief. It seems she had her own reasons for leaving, and they had nothing to do with you."

"Which is exactly what you would say if you want to break up with someone without hurting his feelings."

Daniel nodded, and rubbed his chin. "I can see your point, Rolf."

"That's why I need to talk with her and know her real reasons. Right now it's a nightmare up here," I pointed at my temple. "Nothing is worse than not getting closure. I can't move on when I feel like I don't know the real reason why things didn't work out."

Daniel nodded. "I think I can help you. Deputy Nick and I are good friends. His wife Lizzie works for the FBI. I am sure they can find her. Which is her name?"

"Rain."

"And her last name?"

"Shit. I never asked her. She was always Rain for me."

"I don't want to scare you, Rolf, but Rain sounds like a made-up name."

I ran my hand through my hair in despair.

"You're right. I'm an idiot. I never thought about asking her."

"Being in love makes you stupid. I am the living proof of that. Is there any information you can give me about her to narrow the search? Family? Friends?"

"She was an orphan and grew up in foster homes. The only friend of hers I knew, was an Austrian guy named Lukas. He was in town with her yesterday." I shivered at the images playing in my head.

Daniel nodded and took notes. "I heard the rumors about it from Georgina. Look, it doesn't look good, Rolf. Made-up name.... Being mysterious about her past... Never staying much in one place..."

I knew where Daniel was heading. "Rain is not a criminal running from the law, Daniel."

"It doesn't hurt to check, anyway. Do you have any pictures of her?"

I went through my phone's gallery and found a couple of good ones. She was smiling at the camera. I showed them to Daniel and he nodded.

"That helps. Send them to my WhatsApp. I'll have Nick run a check on them."

"Give me her phone number, too. I'll check on whose name her phone number is registered to."

"Thank you, Dan. I owe you one."

"I'll put it on your tab, Rolf. You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I hedged. "Or as fine as I can be, considering."

He nodded and patted my shoulder.

Life wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Life sucked. Sometimes, for some people, life sucked in the worst possible way.

Rain obviously hadn't learned that yet. Or had she?

I pondered the flickering shadows I had glimpsed in her eyes. She hid them well, quelled them quickly, but I'd seen them when we talked about family, when someone mentioned her short hair, which I didn't truly understand. Rain did not seem to be a girl overly caught up in her appearance or attached to her hair.

In fact, there were never any hints that she was running from something, or that she was scared of something from her past. But she was. It was clear to me now.

I had a sense that whatever she was running from wasn't very far behind her.

CHAPTER 10: RAIN

The expression on Doctor Jackson Brown's face said it all. Now I was certain cancer had forced its way back into my life.

I sat back against the chair in his office, nervously touching my hair. I rubbed my nose, inhaling the scent of Rolf's shampoo. I missed him. Wish he was here.

"I'm sorry, Lorraine." His voice was low. I heard him take a deep breath as if he were struggling with what to say next. "Your lab work came back, Lorraine." Doctor Brown's eyes fixed on me then shifted to Lukas. "The white blood cell count is twenty-two thousand."

Yep, my real name is Lorraine Williams. I always hated it.

"Please doctor, you know I prefer to be called Rain.

"I knew it! I knew it! Shit! My cancer is back!"

I can't breathe. My chest stills, and I feel like I'm going to pass out.

I reached for the box of tissues on the end table and blew my nose. I stared blankly at my feet. Almost two years. That's it. Nineteen measly months and twenty-nine fucking days of remission, and now it was back.

Doctor Brown was a lovely man, but he pulled no punches. After finishing eleven grueling months of treatment, he told me my cancer would probably come back.

I was hoping he would be wrong, but that hope was already shattered.

Somehow, even though the recurrence wasn't anything I wasn't expecting, it was still as jarring as the first time around. After everything that I went through, I had earned these months of normalcy. A time to build my body back up, to feel a sense of what my life was like before. Because I loved my life before. I still love my life now, it's just... different.

I wasn't sure if my body could handle another set of rounds of chemo. Could I mentally withstand the emotional turmoil that goes with it... again?

What seemed like hours passed before anyone spoke.

"What options do we have this time?" Lukas asked, his voice cracking.

That's when the room came sharply back into focus.

I lifted my eyes to Dr. Brown. His gaze drifted to his desk. He removed his glasses and laid them on top of my file.

"Leukemia has come back and we need to treat you aggressively this time, more aggressively than we had before. Your best chance is a bone marrow transplant, you're still on the transplant list, waiting for a match. In the meantime, we'll use chemo."

Lukas' family was quite well off, and they'd spent thousands on treatments for me, even traveling the world searching for a compatible bone marrow donor to no avail.

I nodded, not knowing what to say. The lump in my throat made it hard to breathe. I'd heard this spiel before, but it didn't get any easier. Sitting up higher in my seat, I put on my brave face.