Rain

"What if I show up there and she sends me away?"

"She won't. Trust me. I know Rain. She'll be glad to see you there. She requires all the support she can get. She has a hell of a fight ahead of her."

"I'll do my best."

"Thank you, Rolf, you're a good guy. You must be if Rain fell for you."

I shook my head. "Thank you, Lukas, for being such a good friend to her. Please accept my apologies for overreacting earlier."

"It's okay, man. I understand more than you know. Rain has that effect on people. She just gets under your skin."

As soon as the call ended, tears that I'd fought for days now overflowed. I just cried and cried and cried.

Rain's all alone, and she needed me. All I wanted was for Rain to be back in my arms.

Had I found Rain only to lose her?

CHAPTER 12: RAIN

It was Rolf's voice. I didn't realize I needed to hear his voice so badly.

"Rolf! OMG, it's you! It's really you! How did you know...?"

"Lukas told me about your condition," he interrupted. "Please don't be mad at him. He meant well."

I wasn't mad at Lukas. I was mad at myself for being a coward and not telling Rolf the truth.

"I-I'm sorry... I know I shouldn't have left as I did. I was thinking about you and how unfair it was for you... and I... ran away. It was a shitty thing to do."

Rolf came to my side and squeezed my hand. "It's okay. Everything is going to be okay. The past is in the past. I am here with you now."

"How long are you planning on staying here?"

"For as long as it takes."

I couldn't hold it any longer and all the fear, all the frustration, all the turmoil I had lived through the past days finally caught up with me and I lost it. I was too tired to even try to get a grip on my emotions.

There was no stopping the inevitable. Tears escaped, flowing slowly and steadily for several minutes before giving way to huge, soul-wracking sobs.

Rolf stood there, holding my hand and rubbing my neck with his other hand.

He didn't say anything. Just sat down and held my hand.

He stayed in the chemo room along with me. It was a blessing having him here. His eyes kept darting to the chemo drip hanging from the IV pole beside me.

I wondered what was going through his mind.

Was it too much to hope that maybe, just maybe, he could look past cancer and see me?

"Does it hurt?" he asked, pointing at the IV with his chin.

"Not really. I feel a slight burning as the chemo drugs enter my veins. The after-effects are the problem."

He just nodded, concerned.

"Lukas rented an apartment for me to stay."

"He cares about you an awful lot."

"He does. Lukas is a good friend, Rolf. Just a friend, nothing else. He is happily married."

"I know. He told me when he called me to inform me what was going on with you." He held my hand to his cheek and kissed it. "Why did you have to leave like that? Why didn't you tell me you had cancer? Why didn't you trust me?"

His expression told me everything I needed to know. How much he loved me. How much he had missed me.

"I thought it would be easier for you that way. It wasn't a matter of trust, I was also in denial. I just wanted a normal life."

Rolf nodded slowly. I gave him a moment to let my explanation sink in.

When he spoke, I could feel the anguish in his voice. "Do you have any idea what went through my mind when you just vanished?"

"Knowing the reason why we didn't have a future was going to hurt you more. It made sense in my mind, at that moment."

"Why did you tell Lukas and not me?"

"Because Lukas already knew. This isn't the first time. When they discovered I had leukemia, I was staying with him and his family. They took care of me till I was cancer-free. Lukas has been checking on me since then."

"How long have you had it?"

"I was diagnosed around one year ago. I had chemo for almost six months, and I went into remission, so my white cell count was back to normal. Sadly, now it's back."

I should have told him. He should have found out from me.

"How can you be so calm?" he asked, confused.

"I am calm because I accept what it is. At least, most of the time," I gave him a tired smile. "I've tried crying, screaming, throwing things, avoiding people. It is what it is. I didn't choose to have cancer, but it happened. Then, I decided to live my life to the fullest. Time is a rare commodity, I want to enjoy every single second of it."

"When I come to die I don't want to discover that I haven't lived," Rolf said, quoting Thoreau. He didn't cease to amaze me.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, myself!"

"It's okay. I kind of understand your reasons for not telling me."

Rolf and I held no more secrets from each other. A thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders.

All I wanted--no--all I needed was to be secure in his arms. I needed him to wash away my fear, and tell me everything would be okay.

"Are you afraid, Rain?"

No one had ever asked me that before. Not ever. I looked at him to check he was not asking out of politeness, but he returned a steady gaze. So I told him how I truly felt.

"It comes and goes. People think if you're sick, you become fearless and brave, but you don't. Most of the time, it's like being stalked by a psycho like I might get shot any second. But sometimes, I forget for hours."

"What things make you forget?"

"Talking with people. Doing crazy stuff. When we were exploring the woods, or fooling around at the lake, I used to forget for a whole day. Sex helps me a lot, too." I winked at him.

He gave me a sad smile in return.

There was a silence then.

"My turn. Why are you here?" I asked Rolf.

"Well, before knowing you had cancer, I wanted to find you to get closure. Now things have changed, haven't they?"

"Oh, no, no, no. Don't go there."

"I don't want your pity, Rolf."

His cheeks colored a deep red.

"It's not pity, you idiot. Can't you see that I'm here because I love you?"

I swallowed. "You do?"

"I love you with every fiber of my being, Rain. It's just the way it is. Even when I wanted to hate you for leaving me, I couldn't stop loving you."

I smiled at him and suddenly everything felt alright, the touch of his hand on my cheek felt like it was all natural to me.

Of course, I already knew that Rolf loved me; though It felt good to hear him say the words. It felt really good. I had been living in denial about the depth of my feelings for him. The same thing that I had done with my cancer.

"I have loved you since that day we danced in the rain."

"I thought I might have freaked you out."

Rolf shook his head. "Just the opposite."

"You're sweet-talking me now."

"Well, maybe you scared me a little, but in a good way," he giggled.

"Is there a good way to scare someone?" I looked at him curiously.

"Well, at that moment, I wanted to kiss you badly, but I was scared you wouldn't kiss me back, or worse, that you would slap me."

"I wouldn't have slapped you. I wanted to kiss you, too."

Slowly he moved his head towards mine, removed his fingers from mine to cradle my face in his hands as gently as he could, and brushed his lips on mine.

I increased the pressure until we were no longer just touching lips.

It was a long, loving kiss. He finally pulled out, and I said, "I'm not going to break if you give me a proper kiss, Rolf."

"I got scared when I came back home and didn't find you."

"I feel I can't apologize enough for not trusting you. I am so happy you are here. I don't know how I am going to get through this alone."

"I wouldn't want to be anyplace else right now. I am going to stay with you for as long as you need me. You know I work mainly from home, so there is no problem."

"You mean it?"

"I do. But you've got to get better. You're young, strong. We're going to get through this, I promise. Cancer can be beaten. We'll do it together."

I squeezed his hand. The only noise in the room was my quiet sniffles. He ran his fingers through my short hair in silence.

I finally sobbed my nose and said, "I'll do my best. I'll give the fight of my lifetime. I promise."

CHAPTER 13: ROLF

Talking about cancer is scary, and usually not something people are comfortable with. Many people avoid the topic whenever they can.

My first reaction when Lukas told me Rain had cancer, was shock. I felt at a loss for words. My world was flipped upside down. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

I quickly set my things in order and left Middletown without knowing when I was going to come back. I didn't tell anyone about Rain's cancer. I knew she would have wanted it that way. I simply told people I was going to look for her.

Before flying to be with Rain, I had read every single article about helping someone with cancer on the internet.

There was a lot of obvious suggestions like listening more than talking, avoid crying in your friend's presence, and avoid pitying looks or behaviors. I shouldn't offer empty words of comfort like 'you're lucky it's X cancer instead of Y cancer,' 'it's God will,' or 'everything is going to be okay.'

A helpful recommendation was that every cancer patient was different, and they needed or wanted support in many ways. The best way to help was to ask Rain if there were things I could do to help her.

I had keep things normal. Don't skirt around the issue, but don't let cancer to be THE issue.

It was important to make sure I was in a place of peace before the visit. I thought long and hard about all my feelings for Rain, during my flight to Phoenix.

I was going to make sure Rain knew that I loved her no matter what.

I wasn't going to bail on her, even if she didn't love me back. Whatever time Rain had left, I wanted to share it with her.

She was my friend and she had done a lot for me. She was probably scared and needed support. I was going to be at her side no matter what. I knew it was going to be painful watching her going through her treatment. I had to be strong for her.

If we were to have any hope of defeating Rain's cancer, we had to stay positive.

Plenty of people have beaten cancer. I knew Rain would fight. I knew she wasn't ready to die, and I wasn't ready to lose her.

***

Very soon, Rain and I set into a pattern with chemotherapy sessions. I would drive Rain to the hospital stayed with her, sitting in the chair beside her, my laptop open as I worked whilst the drugs traveled into her body.

Rain would open her survival bag: an aromatherapy-oil roller to dab onto her right wrist -- a great antidote to the clinical smell of the ward -- and her phone and headphones to get into her own world. She told me meditating helped her, so I usually get some work done, unless she was in a talking mood, and she sat for the whole round telling me things she said I needed to know.

On her chemo day, Rain ate lightly, so I carried a bag with crackers, oatmeal, plain yogurt, and cold drinks such as iced tea, or orange juice.

After chemo, I would drive her back to the apartment Lukas had rented for us and helped her to bed. I offered Lukas to pay some rent, but he absolutely refused to take my money.

"I should be paying you for being there for Rain."

"Lukas, I am here because I love Rain."

"I know. You have my absolute respect for what you're doing. Listen, Rolf, anything you need, anything at all, I am just a call away. When this is over, we'll talk about hiring you for our family business. We need a new webpage and someone to manage it."

Lukas was a stand-up guy. To think I wanted to punch him in the face not long ago.

Slowly, over time, Rain fell into a routine. For the first few days following a chemotherapy session, she was ill. Then slowly, she began to feel better, and by the time the next session came around a week later, she was almost back to feeling her normal self, only for it to start all over again.

If Rain felt fine, she wanted to cook dinner for us. Usually, she had no appetite so I cooked just for myself.

She had lost all her hair again, but she refused to wear a wig because she believed, in her heart and in her soul, that she would have hair again.

"How many treatments are left?"

"I've got seven at the moment and then a break. I'm into my fourth, so only three left!" She tried to keep her voice light and optimistic, but knew she failed. There was hardly a way to say she was having lifesaving treatment, having poison pumped through her veins every week, and sound upbeat.

"You need a bone marrow transplant."

"I know. Trust me. The big question is whether they'll ever find the right donor," said Rain, exhaling a long sigh. "We couldn't find one so far."

I had read some facts about bone marrow transplant (BMT) on the internet. How you come out of the BMT depends on the skill of the transplant medical team, your attitude, and a good match for bone marrow.

We were in one of the top national centers for BMT, and Doctor Brown was leading a great team. So we had the first base covered.

Rain had some weak moments during her treatment. There were many nights when she cried herself to sleep while I held her in my arms. But she never gave up. She never lost hope. She was a true fighter. All her energy was focused on beating her cancer. So we had second base covered, too.

Third base, however, was a very difficult one to cover.

Seventy percent of the people who need a bone marrow transplant can't find a donor whose bone marrow is a good match. Imagine being in that situation. The doctors know that they can save your life, but they can't find the bone marrow to save it with. The closer the donor is to an exact copy of you, the greater the chances that the new bone marrow and your body will be able to live with one another.

Rain didn't have any close relatives or siblings. Finding a marrow match was going to be very very very hard. Almost impossible.

"Test me. I'll do it," I said to Doctor Brown. Sadly, I wasn't a match.

Fate was pounding at Rain's door. It was loud, impatient, and pounding mercilessly on a door she had kept locked for a year. It was time to let fate know he wasn't welcomed and fight back. I needed more people in our corner. People with huge hearts, willing to fight with us.

Luckily for us, I knew exactly where to find them.

There was one person I knew who would be able to reach Middletown's heart. I took my phone out and made the call.

"Hello, Grace? It's Rolf... Yes, I am calling you precisely about her. Yes, I found her. No, sadly she is not well. Listen, I need your help."

CHAPTER 14: RAIN

I rubbed rouge onto my cheeks, considered my reflection in the mirror, and frowned. I was pale and thin, and my eyes, which I used to think were too big for my face anyhow, were now massive, with pale, purple shadows underneath.

I looked sick, but there was not a lot I could do about that. I was sick.

I had one more treatment left, one more session of having the horrible, cold poison pumped through my veins. One more round of the vomiting, the shaking, the nausea, the tiredness, and then I was done with chemotherapy and could start living whatever time I had left again.

How we choose to react in a crisis is referred to as 'fight or flight'. Stand your ground, or run to the hills. After the initial shock, I made up my mind I was up for the fight.

However, not every day was positive. Far from it. There were days when I seemed very lost in a long, dark tunnel, with nothing but a dim, barely-flickering light ahead. I had two choices: dive under the duvet, carry on crying and feel helpless; or get back and fight each time I got knocked down. A couple of times I chose the former. Mostly, I picked the latter.

I held on to that light, I trusted that it would eventually burn brighter and that I'd be out of the tunnel.

Rolf was generous in his offer of help. He fought at my side, but he wasn't sitting where I was. This was my fight and no one, not even him, could have it for me.

My weight dropped, and my face grew thinner and paler. Then my eyelashes and my eyebrows fell out, too, and I felt bare, exposed, and sick whenever I looked at myself in the mirror.

It is said that Winston Churchill remarked during the Battle of Dunkirk, 'If you're going through hell, keep going.'

This was my war on cancer. I couldn't go back, and there was no escape. I had to keep going.

Another mantra that helped me was Abraham Lincoln's 'One day at a time.' On bleak days, I'd remind myself not to look back, as there was no point. I wasn't going to look too far ahead and think that the worst was going to happen.

Instead, I just dealt with the here and now. Just get through today. Then try again tomorrow.

When I was made aware that BMT was the only chance I had to defeat cancer, I felt hurt confused, depressed, and helpless. I never knew my biological parents; I was all alone in the world with no blood family.

It wasn't long before I realized that these emotions were like highly contagious germs. They not only infected me, but also infected Rolf, the nurses, the doctor, and all of those who cared about me.

After my first chemo, I left the hospital, with a bag of anti-sickness drugs, I was handed a pack of retractable needles and a sharps bin. Following chemotherapy, I would need to inject myself daily with medication to boost my white blood cell count, which would have been impacted by chemo.

When I got to the apartment, I retreated to the bedroom and locked the door. I pinched my thigh skin, as instructed, injected, and quickly popped a chocolate mint in my mouth to confuse my senses, while I put the used needle in the yellow sharps box, hidden in my wardrobe. Julia, the nurse, called the next day to make sure I was okay, which I was, though I never got used to it.

I was feeling down and extremely blue.

Rolf sensed when I wasn't feeling well. He sat at my side, put an arm around me, kissed me temple and asked, "Do you want to talk about what's troubling you?"

I sighed.

"I can't stop asking myself why? What terrible thing could I have possibly done to deserve this karmic payback?"

"I don't have an answer for that. You know I'm not a religious person. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, and sometimes it's just no one's fault. Instead of asking yourself why, focus on what you can do to get well."

Rolf closed his arms around me, and I buried my face in his chest.

"I am so afraid," I whispered.

"Do you know what I see when I look at you?"

"A bald cancer patient?" I said trying to make a joke.

"No, silly girl. When I look at you, I see a brave woman fighting for her life. Someone taking control of her destiny and ready to kick cancer's ass. You can beat this. We can beat this."

"I feel like my world is unraveling. I don't feel optimistic, right now, Rolf."

"Your optimism has been beaten down. I get it. We'll find it again. I won't let you quit."

I looked into his eyes, "Why?"

He rolled his eyes. "Because I love you! You have changed me in so many ways. You're too important to me to let you quit."

I sat up and straddled him.

"I love you, too." The words shocked me, I hadn't consciously decided to say them, but I know they were true the moment they fall from my lips. "I love you, too," I said again, needing to hear the words.

A wide smile spreads across Rolf's lips. "I love you, Rain. I love you with all my heart."

Rolf kissed my lips gently and lovingly.

When we broke the kiss, I asked him, "What about tomorrow and the day after tomorrow?"

Rolf cupped my face in his palms and pressed his forehead against mine. The muscles in his face tensed. "I don't know what will happen tomorrow. What I do know is that I'm happy with you today. I love you, my love." He swallowed. "I'm even happier knowing that you love me, too."