Rain

She also taught me how to meditate. I was happier, more focused and productive at work, and more comfortable in my own skin.

She was not only my breath of fresh air, but a breath of fresh air for everyone she met.

Life was never dull, or lacking in adventure, with her at my side. She had turned my life upside down in a way, no one else had before. Maybe my first impression of her was right, and she was a fairy after all. The woman had magic in her veins.

For the first time in my life, I was happy because I knew that tomorrow, the next day, and the day after that, I was going to share my life with Rain.

I used to lie at night, watching the ceiling, trying to think about all the things that have changed for the better in my life.

We spent as much time as we could together. We walked. We explored. We laughed.

Yes, we had sex, too. But my feelings for Rain had nothing to do with sex, even when it was the best sex I ever had in my life. It was about Rain and being with her and getting to know her. The sex was amazing, awesome, and life-changing. But I was captivated, enthralled by her whole persona.

My heart just couldn't stop loving her, not even for a fleeting moment.

However, I never acted on my attraction to her.

Why? Because I was too damned scared that she would shoot me down. Can't cage a bird when they're meant to be free. So, I was afraid of letting myself feel all these things I was feeling for her. Yet, I couldn't help it. I was like the proverbial moth drawn to the flames.

We shared a lot about ourselves, but Rain didn't let me inside her heart. Not really. We held hands, we kissed, we cuddled, we had sex, and we did a lot of things together as couples do. But... we never defined what kind of relationship we were in, or even if we were in one. We didn't speculate about the future.

Deep down, I feared that one day, she was going to fly away, looking for new horizons and new adventures.

I knew that day my heart was going to break in two.

CHAPTER 6: RAIN

My phone rang and the name that came upon the screen surprised me and scared me at the same time.

"Hey Lukas, long time no talk. Where in the world are you?"

"Hello, Rain, meine liebe! Actually, I am in the US, in Portland to be more specific," Lukas said, with his usual enthusiasm.

"Really? What are you doing in America?" I asked surprised.

"Just taking care of some family business, and checking on my favorite girl. I can't believe you haven't called me in more than a year," he all but pouted on the phone screen. Lukas was prone to theatrics. And he was madly rich. "You have barely used the credit card I gave you lately. I was worried."

I rolled my eyes with a smile.

"How are you? And you know exactly what I am asking," his voice now was dead serious.

I knew where this conversation was heading, and I didn't like it. I took a deep breath and said, "I am well, I guess."

"You guess? Rain what's wrong?"

"Two weeks ago, I had a little faint."

"You fainted? Did the doctor do a whole-body checkup?"

"Lukas, stop! I didn't go to see any doctor. I had a little dizzy spell, that's all. I'm fine," I repeated."

"Or it could be something. Rain, you know you have to have yourself checked every three to six months. You got none. I checked."

"No, no, no, no..." The reality of my situation had finally caught up with me.

"I haven't fainted or experienced any other symptoms since... well, you know. I am fine. Stop worrying."

"Where are you now?"

"I'm in a small town in the northwest. It's called Middletown. Quite a charming place with very nice people and some spectacular views."

He rolled his eyes on the phone screen. "You find nice people wherever you go. Have you met someone special?"

"I have," I told him honestly. "Nothing too deep or serious, you know me. But he is a sweet, kind, and caring man. He is special in every sense of the word... I am enjoying it being with him." I was smiling and blushing while telling Lukas about Rolf. OMG, what was happening to me?

"Well, I am happy for you, Rain. Did you tell him about--?"

"No!" I interrupted him. I didn't even want to hear the word. "Of course, not! What would be the point? We are not even in a serious relationship..."

"Rain, you should hear yourself when you talk about this guy... I know firsthand the effect you have on males. I would bet my Dad's fortune that he is hooked on you."

Lukas was right, and I knew it, which meant it was time to move on. I couldn't fall in love with someone, and I couldn't let Rolf fall in love with me.

We had been together the whole summer. Together together. We had spent every night in his bed, filling the hours with amazing sex, laughter, and, most surprisingly, deep, peaceful sleep. He made me forget about all the bad things that had happened to me, and for that alone, I would love him forever.

We hadn't discussed the nature of our relationship in any detail, but I didn't care. I didn't need a label. Rolf knew that my relationship with him was more than house sharing. However, whenever I tried to think about things on a deeper level, anxiety took over. The only way I could deal with my feelings was keeping things light and easy, and taking everything one day at a time.

Lukas' voice brought me back to reality.

"Look, Rain, I have a couple of free days. Why don't you tell me how to reach to your charming little town, so we meet and catch up?"

"That sounds great. I'll send you the info. See you soon, Lukas!"

"It will be great to see you again and put some sense into that careless head of yours. Take care, please."

I looked at the phone, checking how much time I had left before dinner. I enjoyed grocery shopping, as much as I enjoyed cooking.

I wanted to make it special because it was probably going to be one of our last ones.

***

Exactly two and a half hours later, Lukas showed up in Middletown square driving a luxury car that would attract everyone's attention. Great!

I was pretty sure every person in town was watching us and wondering who this man was.

"Hello, Rain, it's so good to see you again. Small-town life suits you. You look great," he said effusively, kissing my cheek. "Can I park the car here?"

"Yes, and you can leave it unlocked. Nobody will bother it."

Lukas nodded, but pressed the alarm button anyway.

"I am glad you made it to the countryside. I thought you were a big-city kind of guy."

He looked around. "It looks like a nice, clean town. I understand why you like it here. Is your boyfriend joining us?"

"No. We are just friends, Lukas. That's all we've ever been. All we're ever going to be. Friends. You know why."

Lukas shook his head. "You keep saying that to yourself, and eventually you'll believe it."

"He is in Seattle for a seminar. It's better this way. He can be a bit... possessive. Come, there is a delightful restaurant here. The food is amazing. We can catch up there."

I took a look around. I could see people pointing at us and whispering already. People in Middletown were always ready for gossip.

We crossed Main Square to The Jammed. I couldn't help but feel guilty. And I hated it.

***

"You need to get tested, Rain. Stop stalling it."

"I know you're right, but I am scared. What if I test positive again?"

"Then we'll deal with it like we did the last time. They decided to name the west wing of The West Coast Medical Center of Hope in Phoenix to recognize my family contributions. Our last donation was five million after you were released."

"Lukas, you shouldn't have."

"It's just money, meine liebe. I couldn't let you die. You took Mom out of her depression and helped Dad to realize he was wasting his life and his health in the family business. You have a way with people, and you know it. My parents will take me out of their wills if I don't help you in any way I can. Besides, what's all the money worth if I can't help a friend in need?"

I placed my hand on his cheek.

"You're sweet, Lukas. I can't thank you enough for everything you and your family have done for me."

Lukas paid the check, I looked at my phone, it was 6:30, and I needed to get back to Rolf's place, so I could make him the special dinner I had planned before telling him about Lukas. It would be better if he knew about him from me.

"Lukas, it's been really fun. But I have to go. I have some cooking to do," I said, as I motioned to the groceries at my feet.

"No problem, let me help you with that," he said as he picked up my grocery bag.

I didn't mind since I honestly enjoyed his company.

We chatted pleasantly during the walk to Rolf's place. When we arrived, Lukas turned to me, and said, with a bit of embarrassment, "Do you mind if I come up and use the restroom?"

I hesitated; it wasn't my place, after all. But after taking one look at Lukas' pained face, I said, "Of course, come on in."

Lukas grabbed the groceries and followed me inside.

"The bathroom is in the hallway to the left." I pointed him in the right direction.

He gave me a grateful nod and walked swiftly towards the hallway.

I turned on the radio and swayed from side to side to the upbeat tones of classical music. I had loved classical music all my life. One of my foster parents introduced me to it through recordings and radio broadcasts when I was a little girl. I hummed the melody as I walked to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of wine, ready to start cooking.

I was planning to make Rolf one of his favorite dishes-- salmon with mango salsa and rice pilaf. I loved the fusion of flavors.

I put the salmon to bake in the oven and started boiling some water for rice pilaf as I began peeling the mangos for the salsa.

Lukas entered the kitchen and whistled. "Wow, look at you. You look like you know what you're doing."

I laughed and said. "Would you like a glass of something?" Although, I secretly hoped he would decline. Rolf would be returning in an hour, and I wanted to light some candles and create a romantic environment for him to come home to.

"Sure, anything, whatever you're having."

I pursed my lips as I poured him a glass of wine.

We chatted while I cooked dinner. I had forgotten how fun it was to spend time with Lukas. He kept me in stitches with stories about his travels and his family.

After forty minutes, the mango salsa was ready, the pilaf had been fluffed, and the salmon was resting in the oven.

"Come on, it's a waltz," Lukas said, noticing the music on the radio as he grabbed me and pulled me into the living room for an impromptu dance.

"I need to do a few things so..."

"Come on, Rain. Just one dance. For old times," he said, as he spun me under his arm, pulling me into his expert dance frame.

I giggled, the combination of wine and spinning making me giddy, erasing any reservations I had wanted to express.

"Maybe just one dance."

I laughed up a storm as my body took over, moving to the rhythm of the music in an almost meditative trance. Lukas was an amazing partner; he could dance to any song that came on.

I closed my eyes, focusing on his hand on my back as we swayed elegantly from side to side.

"It's like you are a stalk of grass swaying in the wind. You don't notice when it stops moving right and starts changing direction, it just flows fluidly with the wind."

I closed my eyes and rolled my head from right to left slowly, trying to imagine what it would be like to be a stalk of grass.

I was so engrossed in the movement that I completely lost track of time when suddenly, I heard a throat clearing.

It was Rolf.

CHAPTER 7: ROLF

Another boring seminar in Seattle. I used to assist them to fill in the endless hours of my empty days.

I loved the thought that Rain was at home waiting for me. I looked forward to seeing her every day, I loved being with her, having her in his arms, kissing her... She made me feel things I hadn't felt in my whole life.

Rain was changing me for the better. Everything about her was sunny and light. Every morning, when I woke up, she was the first thing I thought of, and she was my last thought when I fall asleep holding her in my arms.

I was falling badly for Rain.

My heart was beating fast when I finally got home. I opened the front door and I came to an abrupt halt as my brain registered the sight.

Rain was dancing in the arms of another man. In my living room. In my house.

The jealousy that suddenly burst up was so fiery that I was taken completely by surprise. On some level, I knew my feelings were unreasonable, but I couldn't help them.

Rain's eyes flew open.

"Rolf!" she exclaimed happily, as she broke from her male companion and skipped over to me, giving me a big hug.

I was stiff beneath her arms. She hugged me harder and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. "You're home early."

Noticing the severe look on my face, she immediately came crashing down from her dancing high.

"It's eight pm exactly," I said coldly, my eyes never leaving her male companion's face. "I am Rolf, nice to meet you," I said formally, as I gazed at him icily.

The guy took my hand and gave it one firm shake.

"Lukas."

"Lukas, huh?" I turned my head to look at Rain. "You didn't tell me we were going to have visitors."

Rain pressed her lips together. "Lukas called me and told me he was in the area, so we gathered to catch up, and we lost the track of time. I am sorry."

Lukas glanced at his phone and rubbed the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable. "Well, I'll be going. It was good catching up with you Rain, I'll see myself out."

He gave us a final wave and hurried to the door, opening it without a look back.

"Bye Lukas," Rain said, raising a hand as the door closed.

She tried to ignore the tension in the room as she turned to me and said with forced excitement in her voice. "Are you hungry? Dinner is ready. Why don't you go change, and I'll bring our plates to the table."

She headed to the kitchen without waiting for an answer, hoping that the meal could change the tone of the evening. She hummed along to the music on the radio while she prepared our plates.

"Are you hungry? I made you one of your favorite meals."

She put her hand on top of mine and rubbed it gently. "Let's have dinner," she said, smiling fully as she stood up, pulling me towards the dining room.

"I can't, Rain. I need a moment." I squeezed her hand. I had knots in my stomach.

I sighed, a dull ache pulsating at my temples. The combination of a long day at the seminar and the scene with Lukas was a potent headache waiting to happen.

I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep. I went to the bedroom and lay back against the pillow and closed my eyes, sighing as the throbbing decreased slowly. I wasn't sure how long I lay that way before a knock on the door roused me.

"Can I come in?" Rain asked, her voice laced with uncertainty.

I lifted my heavy lids. "Yes, of course, you can. I'm just really knackered."

"Are you hungry?" She lifted a tray with a plate of food. The aroma of the food wafted over to me, and my stomach grumbled in response. "I am hungry, actually."

She walked gingerly toward the bed, putting the tray down as she climbed next to me. "Here," she said, handing me a cloth napkin.

The salmon with mango salsa looked fantastic with its vibrant pink, yellow, and green colors hinting at the flavor sensations to come.

"What's wrong?" she asked, concerned. "Something happened at the seminar?"

"No, nothing happened at the seminar. You really don't know?"

"No, I really don't."

"What's wrong is that I walked in on you dancing with another man in my living room."

She shook her head, confused.

"You're mad because I was dancing with Lukas."

"It was a little off-putting to walk in on you dancing in the arms of your ex-boyfriend. You were so enthralled with Lukas, that you didn't even hear me come into the house."

Her neck flushed while her eyebrows knit tightly together. "Rolf, I think you are overreacting a bit. I wasn't enthralled; I was just having fun dancing. Besides, Lukas and I were always just friends," she said firmly, crossing her arms tightly over her chest.

I looked away, my chest heaving visibly. Why was this so hard for her to understand? My heart raced as I pictured Rain's eyes closed, a blissful look on her face as Lukas and Rain swayed romantically from side to side. I felt like I had walked in on an intimate liaison.

"That's not what it looked like to me." I squeezed my eyes tight, trying to get the image of Rain and Lukas out of his head.

When I opened them again, I was surprised to see Rain staring at me with fury in her eyes.

She pointed a finger at me and narrowed her eyes. "Are you accusing me of bringing another man to have sex with him in our place?" She spoke slowly and firmly, her tone a mix of bewilderment and disbelief. "Don't you think that if I wanted to have sex with a lover I'd have picked another place?"

I quickly opened my mouth to respond, but then closed it again, her point registering. But even though her logic made sense, I still felt wronged. I rubbed the back of my neck with his palm. "What was he doing here anyway?"

"He called me and I told him where I was. He was in Portland, so he drove here to catch up. Then we walked here because he helped me with the bags."

"Why did you invite him in?"

"He asked to use the bathroom. Then I politely offered him a refreshment," she said emphasizing the word 'politely' with a raise of her eyebrows, "and then a waltz came on the radio, and so we danced. It was completely innocent and unplanned."

Her explanation was making far more sense than I expected. I felt the heat go out of my anger.

She sighed and sat down on the bed heavily. "Rolf, Lukas and I are just friends. He and his family helped me during a very bad time of my life. And no, I don't want to talk about it."

Everything Rain said made sense, and yet, I couldn't deny the real pain it had caused when I walked in on her. I wanted her to be dancing in my arms, not anyone else's. We had enjoyed many evenings of slow dancing in front of the fire, and it felt intensely personal to see Lukas taking my place... even if that wasn't Rain's intent.

I also knew that I had no right to be jealous. We had never defined our relationship.

"I didn't do anything wrong. We were dancing the waltz. It's not like I was grinding on him or doing the lambada. The waltz is about as innocent a dance as they come," she said. Her lashes fluttered shyly.

She looked towards the floor hesitantly. When she looked back at me, she met my eyes fully. "I'm sorry Rolf. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

That was all I needed. I leaned forward and kissed her lightly. Her features seemed to relax, a look of relief on her face. "I'm sorry too. I acted like a mad-jealous person. I smiled earnestly. "Is there any more food? I'm still hungry."

She smiled widely. "Yes, I'll make you another plate."

CHAPTER 8: RAIN

That night I had trouble sleeping. Too much on my mind.

Something surged inside me, something primal that made my chest swell and made me want to grab Rolf and hold on to him forever. I closed my eyes and pushed the feelings away.

"There is no room in my heart for love now," I told myself, "no room for Rolf. I'm being selfish, I am hurting him. I shouldn't have stayed so much."

The thought of leaving made me sad.

Living here with Rolf represented all the things I couldn't have: a man who adored me, a house with a white fence, a small town full of nice and warm people, friends, a future...

Even so, I couldn't stay here anymore. I didn't have the luxury to dream of a future.

I had to walk away from Middletown before I couldn't do it anymore. I could feel my resolve weaken with every passing minute.