Realisation

Elena: It was a very one-sided fight I can tell you lol. He's complimented me a lot, does that count?

Amy: Which means he's speechless... as he should be! Now go and be seduced you stunner x

Elena smiled and put her phone away, feeling a strange mix of nerves and arousal. He really was the sweetest man thus far, mixing stories of rugby at university with pictures of his niece. Then he had switched to firm and assertive when she had insisted on splitting the bill and it had got to her in a very pleasant way. Here was a man who would win because he could, not because she'd let him.

Over the main course, they moved onto the kinds of topics that had already shown the both of them why the pairing seemed so natural. There was an easy honesty and empathy between them.

There were talking about the strangeness of online dating. "You know, I'd never planned to do it, so when all my friends were telling me about these horror-stories, I just laughed. Now, here I am. Serves me right." Under her questioning look he explained, "I met my ex-wife at university. We were together for 8 years or so before we got married. Two pretty bad years followed."

"I'm sorry," Elena replied truthfully. She wanted to take his hand but refrained.

"It's all good now. Would you like me to explain what happened or is that a bit too serious for now?"

She shook her head. "No, I'd really like to know," she insisted before taking another bite of the filled pasta.

"Well, it wasn't a huge falling out, to assure you straight away," they both laughed. "We just stopped getting on. When you meet at that age, you're not the person you're going to be, you know? Over time we just saw things differently, particularly around our relationship."

"How so?" He'd opened the door so Elena was going to walk through it and find out as much as she could. Vetting him and learning his tells was important work.

"Well, to give you one example, she became a bit militant with her views, particularly on gender equality. Now, I'm strongly about equality of opportunity, pay and rights, especially in the workplace and society," he'd hastened to add under her raised eyebrows. He wasn't to know she was teasing him over such a charged topic. She could tell that already having looked up some of the strategy documents he'd authored at his company.

"But when it gets to the point where you're tallying up how many times you've cooked for the person as a means to show how unequal the relationship was, that might be pushing it. Especially when she thinks that doing the laundry in return doesn't get the same number of points."

"There was a real passion for social justice then?" Elena grinned.

"Oh literally," Henry grinned back, relieved he'd got over such murky waters unchecked. "It was even her career! But anyway, she's a good person, we just weren't right for each other. At the same time, we had issues with the house we'd bought, some things went wrong. By the time we decided to break up and sell the house, neither of us had the money to move out. We ended up living together as roommates for a few months until the house sold, and we cleared our debts."

"Must have been tough," Elena sympathised, throat somewhat dry and pasta going cold as she listened. She was quite aware that in the back of her mind, she was being drawn to him the more she got to know of him and his values. There was an undercurrent of understanding. She couldn't explain it, but she felt like she got him.

He shrugged at her comment, as if to say: it is what it is. They went back to eating for a bit and then he added, "it's why it took me a while to start dating again. I couldn't bring someone important into that situation, so I waited for it all to be over and we went our separate ways."

"Not in contact then?"

He shook his head. "If we saw each other, it'd be cordial, I'm sure, but that's all. We quickly realised we had nothing in common outside of the relationship. But enough about me, what's your story? I've spoken for ages here."

Fair point, Elena thought. She considered what to say on the basis of what he had said. It became quite easy for her to be open and honest with him, the more she thought about it. So she went for it and started talking about herself in a way she hadn't done before.

"This might be more muddled than I'd like it because these aren't the thoughts I'd ever voice," she paused to look at him with sincerity. "I want to be genuine because what you said about not knowing the person you're with as they grow and change has really struck me. I wouldn't want that to happen. However, let's finish our main course first and I can use that time to think!"

They both laughed and carried on eating in comfortable silence. When they finished, the plates were cleared and Elena finished her glass of wine, contemplating how to say it all.

"I guess if I was going to attribute why I'm single and have been for a while to anything in particular, it would be a lack of confidence in what I'm looking for," she started slowly. Henry was looking at her with keen interest and intensity. It made her feel like she was the only person that mattered and that gave her a lot of the security she needed in order to be honest. "I've known what I like, in terms of feelings around someone and behaviours, for a while. Though not overtly until more recently. To your earlier point about counting how many times someone cooked, I'm at the other end of the scale."

"How so?" Her date inquired with interest and a little confusion.

"I guess it's how you measure it," Elena answered, directing the conversation slightly away from how she planned it but sticking with it because it made sense to her. "Overtly, one might prefer things like that heavily skewed to them, but there's the intangible things like security, care, leadership, that mean a great deal and can't be measured as equal by how many dinners are made, if you value those things more."

"Which you do," Henry stated as fact.

She winked at him. "Was I not subtle enough there?"

"As subtle as a rugby tackle," Henry teased back.

"Equity not equality, I'm reliably told on all the forums I read before signing up to online dating."

Henry smiled at that and then chuckled. "Ah, what are the chances, huh?"

"Of what?" Elena replied.

Henry caught the attention of the waitress, and they ordered dessert. She wasn't actually hungry so picked something at random rather than let him eat alone.

"We've both acknowledged, slightly more than subtly, that my assertiveness works for you." He smiled as she blushed. "My confidence in knowing you also impacts you in other ways, doesn't it?"

She nodded. Did he know what he seemed to be implying?

"I had a lot of time to think about what I want from a relationship, while I was going through that period of divorce. Now, I'm not some kind of Christian Grey," he air-quoted the name with a bit of scorn, "when I talk about this, so don't fear for any dungeons."

There was no fear for Elena because despite him having just indicated that he knew what she was thinking, she herself was certain she knew what he was going to say. If she was right, she was all-in on exploring what this could be with him.

"I want there to be clear roles and expectations, for both my partner and I. Ambiguity and poor communication are relationship killers. I want those things discussed early on so that both of us can grow together," he was holding her stare as he spoke. Elena recognised the confidence in his conviction, despite the controversial nature of what he was suggesting, and she loved it. "I'm assertive, intense and driven, I'd like to not need to hold that back in a relationship. I'd like to be with someone who embraces that and wants to be held to that. What do you say to that?"

She swallowed. She loved being right. This was the relationship; this was what she needed. "I say that sounds exactly like what I want. But there's a lot of pressure to get things right at the start of the relationship." He nodded in agreement. "But you know that, which is why you've been doing certain things, to test how I respond."

He smiled at her, a warm, genuine smile. They were conversing deeply and intensely, and they were intellectual equals, it felt to her. "You tick more boxes than I could have hoped."

"Go on..."

She wanted to know if he saw her, truly saw her.

"You're clearly incredibly competent and capable, if your career is anything to go by," he started.

"Is this where you admit you stalked my LinkedIn?"

"I did indeed, shamelessly," he flirted in response to her teasing smile. "More than that, you're smart and sharp, not just book smart. I guess you'd have to be to work with people in your career. I can converse with you intellectually and feel like I'm going to learn something. You're driven, clearly, given your research on your needs. As am I. You're feminine, I suspect you're quite traditional in your views given your contrast of feminism and equity. I also think you have views, tastes and interests that you keep well hidden because of how you'd be judged and how they make you feel. Things that you want but to admit to, or to do, would be really quite exposing for you, and that holds you back."

He had filled their glasses with the remaining wine while he spoke. Elena took the glass with shaky hands, in contrast to his steady pour as he had broken her down. He was relentless with his level of accurate analysis. It was like she sat naked before him. She sat raw and vulnerable to him already. He understood her, she couldn't evade him. That was power to her.

It was startling nonetheless, and he called it out as he studied her. "My analysis has alarmed you?"

She nodded. "Just how well you understand me already and how that'll grow. It leaves me nowhere to go."

"Seems to me that you've spent your whole life hiding out. Have you not run out of places to go?" He looked at her with that same piercing look.

Elena was on a level of arousal and vulnerability she had never experienced. It was creating feelings of reckless abandon. Not that she ever would in the circumstance, but she imagined leaving the table. Moving underneath it and admitting defeat. But it didn't feel like a loss, it would feel good to be there.

She shook her head to clear the thoughts and focus on him. "We're there," she stuttered, trying to voice it. "I've run out of places to go and you're in-front of me offering to give me everything I've needed." She'd studied English Lit at university and could hear that student in her voice now. The one setting up the endgame. But Elena at 36, jaded and depressed, world-weary and just.. shattered, wasn't there yet.

He looked at her expectantly.

"If you push me right now, I may push back because I've never known it any other way. I need to pause what's happening, please." She may have said please but there was nothing of the sort in her mind.

"Of course," Henry leaned back, relaxing. "Would you like to cut the date short?"

Elena felt torn. On the one hand, it was the best evening she'd ever had in her romantic life. On the other, she'd broken sweat in anxiety. "Yes," she admitted. "That's not a reflection on you, it's all me and my need for time to process this."

He nodded reassuringly and squeezed her hand briefly. It gave her goosebumps.

***

She wished she had kissed him goodnight. She had ended the date on outwardly confusing terms, but her intention towards him was clear for her.

She felt like she was about to explore the type of relationship that she always felt compelled towards. Never named, never fully formed, but always there. Until now, anyway. Now it felt a lot more formed, it had the image of the person she may want her life to gravitate around and it came with deeper fantasies. She saw how her submission would be more sustained and constant with him. Not a slave, always able to refuse or to question, but always beneath him.

All day at work, she was distracted. First by her heart that wanted her to pursue this and the hope of true happiness, then by her brain that wanted her to put the structure in place that would take away endless over-thinking and stress. Once she quelled both, it was her needy pussy that took over, making her think of all of the things she would do to serve him.

Faced with an overwhelming desire to orgasm, she had locked herself in a cubicle in the bathroom at work and rubbed herself to an orgasm, on all fours, with her underwear stuffed in her mouth. She had pictured Henry ordering her to do it, showing her submission to him. As her orgasm hit and her eyes rolled back, she imagined his cum squirting onto her back, marking her as his. It was the craziest, most humiliating thing she had done. Why then had it felt so right?

When she was back in her office, face washed and dress straightened, she pondered what to do. They had been texting on and off all day; he had checked in with her in the morning and she had kept the conversation alive to show him she was okay.

With her heart beating out of her chest, she messaged him what felt right to say, taking the biggest jump she had yet made.

Elena: Thank you for my orgasm...

Henry: Oh? At work? You're very welcome.

She watched him type, no doubt wanting to ask more. She silently pleaded he would, so she could show him how she would answer to him.

Henry: What turned you on so much?

Elena: You. Us. Being beneath you. God, that feels good to say, you have no idea.

Henry: It is equally good to read, beautiful. What did you think about?

She couldn't lie to him. Nor did she want to downplay it. He needed to know what he was getting into, no matter how exposing it was. For once, it felt right to show who she really was. She knew he could handle it, could be that person for her.

Elena: I hope this doesn't freak you out too much... I thought about being exactly where I was - on all fours on the floor in the bathroom near my office, while you finished on my back and showed me my place and who my body belongs to. So yeah....

She put her phone down and typed out some email replies to distract herself. Easy ones; she was on autopilot. She didn't allow herself to check her phone again until both were done, despite the fear that was pulling at her to check. When she finally did, relief and excitement fell over her.

Henry: That sounds very arousing, I can see why it got to you so much. We'll have to make it so you wear my cum at work.

She failed to withhold a groan upon reading that. She would, she already knew that. He would be careful and respect her boundaries, she knew that too. The second message pushed her mind into the twisted area she had always held it away from.

Henry: And when we get to the point where you trust me enough to do that, I will keep you down with my shoe on your face so that you really know your place.

Okay, he really did get how unusual her tastes were.

Elena: That's funny.

Henry: What is?

Elena: That bit about being under your feet was the part I left out as I thought it was too much too soon. Evidently not...

Henry: You have no idea how good I'll make this for both of us, ell.

Elena: I like that a lot. The way you're naming me, I mean. That feels right.

Amy was good with her when Elena debriefed her the next evening. They looked at relationships differently and in almost contrasting ways. She knew Amy would never understand her need to be beneath her partner, would never endorse such a mentality and probably suggest she get help. But why? She needed pharmacological help because she was overwhelmed and constantly in denial of her needs. She would never be able to explain to Amy why it was so good for her. On equality in a relationship, they had always failed to align, evidenced through the times when Elena had questioned if perhaps Amy was demanding too much from her partner and not giving enough in return. Amy always reacted badly to that. She could never imagine her being with someone like Henry or even understanding him.

So, she had been as honest as she could with Amy and told her how much she liked him but how scared she was about it. Her friend knew how big that was, so she took the responsibility of motivating Elena, when self-doubt might have crept in.

Henry left no ambiguity and that helped her immeasurably. He'd told her how into her he was and that he was going to be pursuing whatever they had, to see what it was. It thrilled her, in truth, that someone like him wanted her. Wanted her that much, with all the certainty he had.

She'd had more orgasms over the next few days than she'd ever had in the same time period. Arousal stemming from thoughts of obeying him, serving him, constantly had to be pushed from her mind at work. In the evening, she let them in without resistance, and they came with increasingly clear visuals of what she'd do for him, how far she'd go to submit to him. Her orgasms were giving her the relief of letting go, similar to the way that she knew his assertiveness would.

They met twice more over the week due to her restrictive work schedule, both times for drinks. Both times it was at the end of busy days, both times they had invigorated each other just with their presence. At the third date, she had kissed him before the first drink was finished. She knew she was going to; she was struggling to hold back by then and he was being incredibly respectful and patient with her. She kissed him with such passion and enthusiasm, it left him in no doubt where she was at with him.

He pulled away and looked at her with sincerity. "El, you're out of this world. Truly, truly stunning." She felt herself blush again. "But nothing further can happen unless we're committed to each other."

"You as much as me?" She asked evenly.

He took out his phone, unlocked it and gave it to her. "Click onto the app, you'll see where I'm at."

She did as requested and saw an error message. Your profile has been deleted.

Her heart raced. "Already?"

He took hold of her face with a hand on her chin, forcing her to look up at him. Why did simple acts like that arouse her? "Three dates, three weeks. I know what I want, the sample size is good. You are truly singular, ell."

She blushed, feeling so out of her depth in the world of dating, it was almost ridiculous. She wanted to go home with him. She could barely remember going home with the last man she had slept with. In this instance, they'd barely started their drinks but the conversation and intimacy across the previous weeks had her feeling things for him deeply.

She eventually found the courage to ask him, a few drinks in, as he studied her patiently, knowing something was on her mind. "Can we go somewhere private?"

She had whispered it, but he had heard. "What?" He asked, with raised eyebrows.

He knew what she said. She knew that he knew. Two can play this game. In a moment of bravery she had never possessed before Henry, she didn't repeat it. She told him what she truly meant. "I want to worship your cock," she told him. The word had come out unintended but it was true.

He didn't ask if she was sure. He knew she was, because he'd taken time to know her. So, when he ordered the taxi, she was relieved. When they sat at the back of the car, she could think of little else but doing it. She was outrageously turned on. Only a desire to stay classy and respectable for him stopped her squirming.

Elena had never been to Henry's place, but she knew where it was. He was in a posh block of apartments behind a busy high street. She had told Amy the location a while back and messaged to tell her where she was going, for safety. Obligation more than worry. She then put her phone on silent and focused on Henry. His smell, his confidence.