All Comments on 'Rebecca Goes to the Theatre'

"He started to play with her breasts, and she started to ride him in earnest. She experimented on mixing the up and down movement with side-to-side movements. She gradually increased the pace, and he responded by thrusting upwards into her. She gasped and started to breathe more heavily. After a few minutes of this he pulled her upper body towards him and lifted his own torso upwards and started to suck her breasts and in particular her nipples. This reduced the range of movement available to her, but it seemed to be what they each needed for the time being. Gradually his head went back closer to the floor, but her breasts followed him down. He kept a hand on her lower back to help keep her in the saddle. Clearly he had an engineering background to think about that.

She had actually orgasmed while he was sucking her breasts and he had looked at her with enquiring eyes. "Are you Ok? Your eyes rolled around in your head.""

This has to be the driest, most unsexy list of "he did that and she did this" sex scene I have ever read. I don't have time to explain it all, but I suggest you read some highly-rated stories and see how it's done.

If I had to describe this story in one word, it would be "unfocused." Characters are introduced without any explanation of who they are, then disappear entirely shortly afterward. Plot threats are started and abandoned. Inconsequential details litter the narrative (like the plot summary of Measure for Measure) and do nothing to move the story forward. The third person perspective hops from one person to the next seemingly for no reason. It's just all over the place.

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Your preface says that you like a slow build with backstory and character development. That's all well and good, but backstory needs to serve a larger purpose. It needs to drive the story forward. Every detail you include, every conversation, should do *something*: create tension, drive the narrative forward, introduce another obstacle for the protagonist, etc. The details in this story just feel like padding.

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Here are some practical suggestions for future stories:

- Start right away with a specific hook to engage the reader. Give them a reason to want to keep reading.

-Show, don't tell. A good way to do that is to use more dialog rather than narration. Your story shouldn't be "this happened, then this happened, then this happened."

-Stay focused. Define the stakes early and stick to them. What is the main obstacle your character is trying to overcome? Make sure everything else in the story drives toward a resolution.

- Develop deeper, meaningful relationships between characters. Almost every character in this story is nothing more than a sexual encounter for Rebecca. If we are to get to know your characters and, more importantly, care for them, then they need to interact with each other in meaningful ways. They need to have wants and desires that are in conflict with one another.

Keep at it and good luck with your future stories.

Thank you both for commenting. I think the fundamental problem with my story is that it really wasn't an erotic coupling story, and most of it belonged in non-consent/reluctance, but for the fact the main character escaped those situations.

I have no problem with hearing that I failed as an author to convey what I meant or that the execution was inadequate,

The problem is that most of the story happens inside the main character's head. She is meant to be a young woman who, for various reasons, does not understand the social norms and hypocrisies everyone else follows and is hesitant to trust people.

I moved as much as I thought I could convincingly get away with of the mistakes in dealing with others to the dialogue between her and Claire and, in particular, the transactional aspects of dating,

Again, this is my failure as a writer, but I thought the title would suggest that the character's journey was to be be paid for sex for the first time. Everyone she dealt with that night assumed she was for hire. She only accepted it when she was exhausted, resigned to thinking that everyone she knew would think she was a whore, and a man treated her with kindness despite the fact he thought she was a whore.

In that context, as far as most of the men she was dealing with were concerned, she was just someone to have sex with, and she wanted to preserve some dignity. The man who gave her a lift treated her as a human being, and her teacher treated her as someone who deserved support. He also felt guilty about being attracted to her.

I agree that the description of the plot of Measure for Measure went on for too long, but the theme was central to the story; it reinforced her belief that no one would believe her about the attempted rape.

The stories about the earlier dates were meant to establish (a) her social awkwardness, (b) suggest that the attempted rapist had believed the lies told by his classmates and (c) show that when treated with respect, she would respond in kind.

On the first sex scene, fair comment. I should have written the enjoyment factor from the man's point of view and then later had her musing about the mechanics as a character point. The story starts out with her becoming the paid companion of an older man. and her engaging brain as to how to keep him interested. i then revert back to the story of why an intelligent young woman thinks that this is the best option available for her.

I would like to repeat that I welcome your comments; they will help me write more effectively in future. The fact I failed to convey what I intended to is down to me.