Santa's New Helper Pt. 01

Warning: This part of the story includes themes revolving around Smegma.

Santa's New Helper - Part 1.

Written by HumbleHeretic

Jackson couldn't believe it, it was right in front of his eyes yet it still didn't seem real. It couldn't seem real in fact, after all, portals were something that were supposed to only exist in fantasy. That's right, a portal, not the type of portal used in networks, but a literal portal to another place. A warp hole, a spatial door, a round, glowing entity complete with sparkling light balls and all that fanciful shit. The young man would think that he was dreaming were it not for the biting cold of the winter night blowing on his exposed skin.

But why would a portal appear here of all places, below this abandoned bridge? Jackson would be wondering the same if he hadn't witnessed what he did mere minutes ago, in some ways it was an even more unbelievable sight than the fantasy doorway laid before him.

Jackson was an honest to goodness scoundrel, a real menace to society, the type that got kicked out of his family home for bad behaviour at a young age. That was a story of a couple years ago, coming back to the present, the young man was now doing a bit of Christmas Eve "shopping". "Shopping" in this case referred not to the act of going to a store and buying things with one's own money, but rather the act of "relieving" unsuspecting people of the things they bought with their own money. Jackson was a burglar basically, an amateur one at that. And what better time to go "shopping" than on this cold winter's night?

The young man had already picked out his targets for the night and had made a stop below this abandoned bridge to make a check that everything was in order. And that was when he'd witnessed it. The portal suddenly springing open nearby, and a shadow zipping through and disappearing into the snowy night. It had flown by so fast, naught but the resulting turbulence announcing it's passing as the young man's scarf was kicked up by the wind. As fast as it was though, Jackson had managed to capture a few things in that moment.

The colour of brown followed by a vibrant red colour, and the distinct sound of jingle bells that were usually only heard round this time of year. There was only a single being of legend that Jackson thought could and would make such a magical appearance on this specific day at this specific time. Assuming still that all of this wasn't a hallucination brought on by the cold, it meant that those old Christmas stories that were told to kids of a certain saint Nick were at least somewhat true. It was something that was hard to believe despite him just having witnessed it himself. What was even more unbelievable though was that Mr. Clause had just left this portal open in the middle of nowhere!

"There's no way right?"

Mist puffed from Jackson's mouth as he murmured while gingerly reaching his hand into the portal. He stood at the edge of the glowing round space door and from there he could see that his hand had gone in without passing out the back part! Not only that but his hand inside the portal felt even colder than the rest of his body outside of it! It was real!

The moment Jackson confirmed that the portal was real, a thought popped into his mind, a rather no good thought. Surely Ol' Santa's workshop would have a lot of stuff that was countless times more valuable than the houses he was planning to trespass in tonight, right? It only made sense, after all, if Santa was real, then his workshop was also real, right? It was here that the young man made up his mind. Before the portal suddenly closed, before Mr. Clause came back, why not do a bit of quick "shopping" over at the North Poll?

He doubted that Santa Clause would expect a random person to suddenly wander into one of his portals, the jolly old man probably forgot to close it because of his old age. Security should therefore not be an issue, and even if he got caught, he could probably play innocent and ask to be sent back home. It was a plan that couldn't fail, and one that he only had this one opportunity to try to achieve. Seeing as he had nothing to lose, Jackson headed into the portal with little hesitation.

In his excitement though, the young man seemed to have forgotten one thing. If Santa was real, then his list was also real, and he would always know who was nice, and who was naughty.

***

"This is too easy."

The situation on the other side was even more optimistic that Jackson had anticipated. Forget security, there was hardly even anyone around, as though all the elves had already clocked out as soon as they'd finished their work. In the first place the young man was half expecting to be thrown out into a blizzard at the end of Santa's driveway, assuming that sleighs needed one. Instead he'd been put right at the front entrance to the village. It was almost exactly as it was described in books and movies, the flashy decoration, the delicious smells, there were even a couple elves walking around.

The little creatures were just as he'd dreamed them to be as a kid, they were even dressed in the usual green garb with pointy hats and curly shoes. Their proportions were just a bit jarring when seen in reality though. It took a bit of sneaking to stay out of view, however it required a lot less caution than he thought, to the point that even an amateur burglar like him could eventually make it to his destination unnoticed.

The workshop, it was a place hard to miss as it was easily the largest construct in the village. That also thankfully meant that it had other entrances than just the large main entrance. Jackson managed to easily get into one of these entrances since none of the doors were even locked. The trust placed in these elvish employees was in a different dimension compared to the outside world. That likely meant there was no surveillance as well, it was just good news after good news. This was a heist so easy that it actually gave the young man goosebumps, Jackson simply couldn't believe how lucky he'd gotten.

"Holy shit..."

While the security of the place was far from a modern level, the production was the complete opposite. Lined up inside one of the many storage rooms of the workshop were the "toys" the elves had supposedly made. Wooden soldiers and model trains? No, more like Graphics Cards and Steam decks! It was a smorgasbord of stuff that would make the modern day consumer cream themselves on the spot, the smell of new electronics was intoxicating! There was so much splendour that Jackson only regained his senses when he remembered that he didn't have much time.

He had brought his sack with which he planned to rob some poor kids of their Christmas presents, however there was only so much space. The young man grabbed the items that were small yet extremely valuable. He fit as many as he could in his "shopping bag" in the little time that he assumed he had. The more weight was added to the sack, the harder his heart pounded, the burglar stuffed his bag to the brim until the edge of an RTX 4090 was sticking out the top. Only then did he decide that his job was done.

"Merry Christmas to me~♪"

With his heavy sack thrown over his shoulder, the young man made his way out of the workshop, so relaxed that he was even singing a soft tune to himself. Leaving the village was only a little harder than sneaking in, now that he had the full sack to carry with him, however it was still no issue to make it out unnoticed. After only a few minutes, Jackson was back to where he started. His heart eased tremendously as he gazed at the glowing portal that was still exactly where he'd left it, it would have been much harder to plead his innocence with literal pounds of expensive gifts thrown over his shoulder.

Thankfully, he was home free, or so he thought until now. For as the young man was about to step foot into the portal again, thoughts of laying out his haul when he got back to his apartment on his mind, he was suddenly confronted.

"Hey, got everything you need?"

"?!"

No, that was impossible. He'd made sure that the coast was clear, he'd taken a look and check the scene twice before he went towards the portal! However, that voice was unmistakeably real, and it had come from behind him. Pausing in place, heart ready to rip out of his chest, Jackson spun around. And after he turned around, he was made to look down at the one who called him. An elf, an elf that looked much the same as all the identical elves he'd spotted in the village, except this one was dressed in all red. And in said elf's hand as they looked at the human with a suspicious smile, was a small heap of glittering golden sand.

"Sweat dreams, phew!"

"Ooptftftft~!"

Jackson became startled as the golden powder was suddenly blown up into his face! However, his startled state only lasted for a short moment, for the next, everything went blank.

POFF!

A thud was heard below the old abandoned bridge. If anybody had been around, they would see the glowing round portal and half of a person's body that had just fallen out of it. The other half of the unconscious young man's frame was swallowed into the light of the portal.

KRRFF~

Then one would be able to witness as the unconscious young man was slowly dragged through the snow, deeper into the portal. Even more of his body disappearing inside until all that was left was the large heavy sack in his hand. However even that was soon dragged in, the young man's unconsciousness not swaying his inherent greed to not let go of the sack until it too disappeared beyond the portal.

Fwoosh~! Jingle~♪♫

Finally, turbulence as a red shadow zipped by. This speedy shadow followed right behind the young man and the sack into the portal, and a couple seconds after the kicked up snow settled, the scenery below the bridge returned to normal. No unconscious young man, no overfilled sack of stolen goods, and no portal at all, as if none of it had ever existed there in the first place.

***

KRKLKL~

"...?"

Jackson woke up to a sound he hadn't heard in a long time, that of a flame crackling in a fireplace. Ever since he left home, he'd been wandering from place to place, doing things his own way and causing trouble for others, it'd been a while since he'd been placed in such a homey environment.

K-KRKLKL~

"... fifth of august... very very nice..."

"..."

Be that as it may, the young burglar was far from being comfortable. He may be a bit groggy, however he still vividly remember what had caused such grogginess. That elf dressed in red and the sparkling golden sand, he'd been caught at the worst possible time. Though, with that timing, it was more likely that he'd been set up, it was a situation that increased the young man's foreboding as he silently took in his surroundings.

First of all, his hands and feet were tied by ropes, and for whatever reason, he'd been stripped down to his underwear as well. That meant that all his tools as well were confiscated, making his means of escape impossible as things now stood. The inside of the room was cosy as mentioned, a quiet atmosphere with only a man's soft murmuring and occasional humming filling the space.

"You know, nice kids let adults know when they're awake."

"!"

The sudden voice startled Jackson but he managed to keep his outward composure. The voice he'd heard just now sounded oddly familiar even though he'd never heard it in person before. Slowly lifting his face, the young man laid eyes on the person sitting in the chair opposite of him. At first his heart skip a beat. The plush red robe with bright white fur lining the edges, the thick elf hat that flopped over the side of his face until the white puffball blended in with his thick mane of a full white beard.

He was a large man but he was more chubby than robust, his flush cheeks and reddened nose did nothing to obscure the sense of intimidation Jackson felt for some reason. Maybe it was the way he sat in his ebony chair with a cigar in one hand and a long, worn parchment roll in the other. So this was what "Santa Clause" looked like in person. As he instantly realized what kind of situation he was in, Jackson immediately implemented his fail safe alibi for if and when he was caught.

"A-are you... Santa Clause."

"Yes, that would be me."

The young man spoke in the softest and most surprised voice he could muster.

"S-santa, thank God! I'm so glad you found me, I was lost and didn't know where-!"

"Cut the bullshit."

Before his ruse even began to take shape however, Jackson was cut off by words he never expected to hear from the fictional idol of young children across the globe.

"You came to the village through the portal for the singular purpose of stealing as much as you can."

"..."

"You were then caught by my head elf and treated to fistful of sand, knocking you out. Then you ended up here to try and feed me this garbage."

Jackson's demeanour completely changed as the old man read him the full log of events act by act. Seeing his mood change to a more serious and confrontational one, Clause smiled and took the cigar from his mouth while waving the worn parchment.

"The list knows all, son."

"I'm not your son, old man."

"Oh, ready to talk now are we?"

The old man just seemed to be more amused by Jackson's change in attitude. With another smile, he looked at the list again.

"Since you don't want me to call you son, let's take a look at your parents' situation, shall we?"

As he said that, Santa pulled a pair of reading spectacle out of thin air in a sparkling display.

"Your parents, the rest of your family in fact, all tried to bring you up well but you remained unruly through the years to the point you were eventually kicked out of the home. From there it was a life of petty crime as you held an unjustified resentment for the world at large. Let's see here, breaking and entering, robbery at knifepoint, fraud, credit card fraud. Oh my, fought a homeless man and injured him badly, tsk tsk tsk, naughty, very naughty indeed..."

Clause went down the list that detailed all of Jackson's wrongdoings.

"And now you've resorted to stealing precious gifts from the hands of innocent children on this most glorious of holidays. That's a lot of trouble for a barely 25 year old young man."

"So what, are you going to put me on trial?"

Jackson wasn't exactly scared of Old Nick's judgement as he firmly believed him to be but the subject of a children's fairy tale, even if he appeared in reality before him now. However, the young man had some wrong assumptions about his situation.

"Actually, the verdict has already been decided on."

"... what?"

"Yes you see, it's normally not my duty to enact judgement upon man. Suck things are left to Karma and Pitch while I simply categorize them in terms of 'naughty' or 'nice'. However, I've got a bit of a motif this time."

A sense of foreboding was reborn in the young man as he listened to Clause's short tale.

"You see, granting Christmas wishes IS one of my duties. And this year, I've been submitted a rather troublesome wish by some people very close to me, and they've been oh so nice for so many years, I couldn't possibly refuse. However, in order to grant this wish, I needed a scapegoat."

The sense of foreboding grew worse, to the point that Jackson felt like his bind were becoming tighter as the old man continued.

"What better scapegoat than someone who's been on such a rampant naughty streak? Someone who would see a magical portal lying around and enter with the sole purpose to commit theft, in my own domain? Someone dumb enough to get caught in the act so that his crimes would be indisputable?"

BANG~!

"?!"

Suddenly, the doors to the room opened with a bang and, together with the cold wind from outside, a few figures entered inside. They were small figures, the kind that Jackson had seen for the very first time only hours ago. In the lead was the elf dressed in red, the head elf of Santa's Village. With the other elves, they all surrounded Jackson and together picked up the near naked and bound young man that was almost twice their own size!

"Wait, you can't do this to me!"

"I'm afraid it's already been decided. Jackson Cevil, I hope it to be a pleasure working with you from now on. And when you meet those friends I was telling you about, tell them I said 'Merry Christmas'."

"Claaauuuseee!!"

The young man yelled but his voice fell on deaf ears. The old man simply smoked his cigar while going down the list, this was the last Jackson saw of him before the doors of the room was closed shut again.

***

"Let me go you midget bastards!"

"Alright kid alright, we're almost there."

"I'm not a kid!"

"You are to us."

Jackson was freaking out as the elves carried him somewhere unknown. The cold wind was biting his naked body as he struggled, however he was soon brought to a warm place that seemed to be his destination.

"Oof!"

Like that, he was unceremoniously thrown onto the ground, however rather than the cold hard floor he was bracing for, he instead felt a warm yet rough material against his skin. The young man opened his eyes again to find that what he'd landed on was hay, and it was all around him. Just from a quick glance around, he recognized some wooden beams with old timey lanterns and on the ground was odd objects like a bucket and a couple gardening forks. It appeared that he'd been tossed into some kind of stable or barn house, it sure did smell like one. And apparently he was going to be left here alone.

"Well kid, we'll be seeing you around I guess."

"At least when the guys in here aren't using you."

"Damn, we might never see him again if that's the case."

"Kehehehe~♪"

"Wait!"

BANG~! KLCHK~!

Once again his yells fell on deaf ears as a second set of doors closed on his face. This time he could even hear the sound of the large barn doors being locked from the outside. Like that, Jackson was left in the smelly barn, half naked with his hands and feet bound.

"What the fuck am I supposed to - fwp -... do?"

All of a sudden, Jackson felt the pressure on his hands and feet disappear, the ropes binding him had loosened on their own and fallen away from his limbs. Without doubting it for a moment, the young man hurried to throw the ropes away and got up to stand at the closed barn doors. He didn't need to try pushing on them to know that they were sealed tight, but he did anyway. His hands that were on the door then went from pushing to banging.

BANG~! BANG~!

"Hey, let me out! Is this some kind of sick joke?!"

His first action was one common for someone suddenly finding themselves in his situation, yelling and screaming. He knew such a thing was futile, however, right now Jackson just needed to vent.

BANG~!

"Hey!"

SHSHK~ SHK~

And as a result of the noise from his banging and yelling, he failed to notice the other sets of noises slowly flourishing in the spacious barn. Within the dark spots of the barn, some shadows began to rustle. As the banging continued, these shadowy silhouettes got up and began slowly moving towards the source of the sound. Jackson was unaware of any of this, the young man simply kept banging on the doors of the barn. He wasn't really bothered by what he'd tried to do, what really frustrated him was the fact that he'd gotten caught in such a dumb way. The young man swore that if he ever got out of here that he would make a fool of that old man.

SHSHK~ SHK~

"Huh?"

However, the question of whether or not he would even got out became more dubious as a subtle rustling from behind him grabbed Jackson's attention. It was also at this time that he finally noticed the extra shadows cast on the doors of the barn from the lanterns behind him.

Jackson froze as the rustling and crunching hay continued, accompanied by the movement of the shadows. As tough as he believed himself to be, the young man was in an unknown situation while down to only a pair of drawers, and now there were supposed enemies about to accost him. Scared as he may be though, one thing Jackson wasn't going to do was go down without a fight!