Seeds of Doubt

"But I owe it to her baby! I am extremely beholden to her. She sacrificed so much for me when my parents passed away and pulled both of us through a horrible situation by her sheer will alone. And you agreed that it's not fair for us to have three and them to have no children. We need to do this for her. YOU need to do this for my sister, the one who raised me when I had no one else."

"Traci, I'm sure you're grateful that she held off college for two years while looking after you. While I'd call that noble, it's what any loving family member would have done under similar circumstances. What's this big sacrifice she made that you refer to?"

She became stiff for a moment as if contemplating something. "Okay, I'll tell you but you must SWEAR to me never to say anything to Ted. Do you swear?" She insisted.

"Alright, I'll bite," I rejoined. "What's this big secret about her sacrifice? I'll never mention it to Ted."

"Okay, here goes. She would kill me if she knew I told you this. Dad and mom were close friends with Ronnie Eldridge, dad's boss at the auto paint shop. Colleen dated his son, Doug, off and on through high school and they had even talked about marriage; though Doug had not yet proposed, it was a foregone conclusion. I was about to turn 16 when that horrible accident claimed my parents' lives. Two months after the funeral, I had planned to spend the night at a girlfriend's. She wanted to go swimming that afternoon; her mother drove us by my home so I could pick up my swimsuit. It was early afternoon on a weekday and Colleen was in the shower. I thought that was unusual but I went ahead and grabbed my suit."

She continued, "As I was leaving, her phone rang. I picked it up in case it was something important I needed to tell her about. She had been handling everything about mom and dad's legal matters. I was surprised to see the name Planned Parenthood pop up on her phone. Out of curiosity, I listened to the message. They were calling to check on her after undergoing the procedure at the clinic this morning. I was no dummy. I know what goes on at those places. I apologized to my friend, telling her that I suddenly needed to help my sister with some legal matters and she understood and left. I waited for Colleen to get out of the shower before I asked her about it."

"Oh, hey. What are you doing here? I thought you were spending the night at Mary Beth's," Colleen asked me.

"That was before I saw this." I put her phone on speaker and played the message from Planned Parenthood. "Did you have an abortion?" I asked incredulously.

Her eyes suddenly filled with tears and she grimly said, "Yes."

"What gives, Colleen? Was it Doug's? Again she provided a one-word answer, "Yes."

"I don't understand, sis. That goes against everything we believe in. I didn't even know you were pregnant! How could you abort the baby of the man you're going to marry?"

"Doug and I have broken up. He was thrilled when I first told him I was pregnant right before mom and dad died. But he doesn't understand why I had to do this."

"Why did you have to do this, Colleen? And did mom and dad know you were pregnant?"

"No. I was planning on telling them right after graduation but never had the chance. This was the hardest decision of my life, believe me. It would be different if mom and dad were still here with us. But I'm not able to go through pregnancy without their support and my being a single mother with a newborn might hurt my chances to become your legal guardian, so I did what I had to do. At the funeral, I made a silent vow to our parents' memory that I would do whatever it took to make sure you made it safely to adulthood in their stead and that's exactly what I aim to do. I never wanted you to know about this, Traci. I didn't want you to feel guilty about a choice that I made. Right now, you're the most important person in the world to me and all the love I have to give is focused solely on you."

"Charles, she and I sobbed for hours again over the loss of our parents and the sacrificial love she had just demonstrated for me. I could have been an aunt but she proved that I was the most important person in the world to her. Doug Eldridge, the love of her life, walked away from her after that. He couldn't stay with her knowing she'd killed their baby. So in addition to losing our parents, she also sacrificed her future husband and child so that she could care for me. Perhaps now you can understand why I feel such an obligation to her. She didn't want me to make the same mistake she did. She did everything in her power to ensure I remained chaste until we both met and married the men we love. She never told anyone besides me about her sacrifice. Ted believes she was a virgin when she married him even though she didn't bleed on their wedding night," Traci explained.

I was stunned. This was a side of Colleen that I never knew before. I now have a keener awareness of the bond between them.

"So all this time, both of you have lied to Ted and me stating that she was a virgin when she married Ted." Traci looked down averting my eyes. "What else have you lied about? Did you lie to me about your past too? Were you a gangbanger before I met you?" I asked sarcastically.

"I am NOT a liar, Charles. You were the first and ONLY man I have ever been intimate with. I didn't lie about Colleen. I just kept her secret which was hers and hers alone to tell. I wouldn't have known had I not been there that day. I wanted to tell you long ago but she was fearful of being judged." But Traci wasn't finished pleading her case.

"Don't you see, Charles? It would be perfect. She's already thought everything through. Think about it. You would be the common denominator between her children and ours, so they all would favor one another and have similar traits. Ted would just think it is the Jenkins family contributions that tie all our children together when in fact, it would be you. And you can't tell me that you wouldn't love your nieces or nephews just as much as your own children because they would BE your own children, sweetie. And Colleen swears, would swear on a stack of Bibles that if you do this for her, all negative feelings would be forever erased. I mean, how could she ever have any dislike whatsoever for the biological father of her children? See what I mean? It's perfect!"

I just stood there in shock. Traci was talking nonchalantly as if this was a natural everyday occurrence. I could hardly believe the words were coming out of my wife's mouth. "Traci, first you were talking about a child and now you just several times mentioned the word, children? You expect me to fuck her repeatedly behind her husband's back until she has several children? All this from the woman who refused to surrender her virginity until we were married and now you want to whore me out like a gigolo to your bipolar sister? Who are you and what did you do with my wife?"

"You don't have to be so crass about it honey. I realize that it's a shock for you to consider something that you never thought would happen. This way you'd get to have me and my sister both. There are a lot of men who would love to have such an opportunity made available to them."

"Then go get one of them to fuck her. I'm not interested. Got it?"

"Look sweetie, you don't have to decide tonight. It's all so new. Why don't you take a few days to let it percolate and wrap your mind around it? That's all I ask. Think about it before you say no, okay? PLEASE?" She batted her eyes in her cute seductive manner.

"Alright, I'll think about it on one condition, but don't expect me to change my mind."

"Sure baby, anything. What's your condition?"

"Give me a week to recover from the bomb you just dropped on me without constantly harassing me about this and bringing it up to me over and over again during that time. Not a single word. Agreed?"

"Agreed honey. I promise I won't bring it up to you again if you will seriously consider it."

"I'll get back to you about it within a week then."

"Oh thank you, honey, you're the best!" Traci hugged and kissed me all over my face.

True to her word, Traci didn't say another word to me about considering Colleen's proposal, but she did nearly everything else. She treated me like royalty, waiting on me hand and foot.

She invited Ted and Colleen over for dinner Saturday night and the four of us had yet another wonderful evening together. Sugar wouldn't have melted in Colleen's mouth, she was so sweet to me. Ever the dutiful aunt, she doted over our kids profusely, demonstrating how good of a mother she would be to children of her own. The sisters worked hard, very hard to paint the best possible picture for me to consider in making my decision. My positive response to Collen's newfound niceness convinced them that they had it in the bag.

During the week that I was considering their proposal, in a moment of lucid insight, I decided to purchase a tiny combination video and audio recorder from an electronics store and cleverly concealed it in the den of my house. It was a model triggered by either motion or sound. I tested it when I had a few minutes alone in the house and played it back to verify functionality. As my week was coming to an end, I asked Traci to have her sister come over for our discussion. Of course, Ted would not be a part of this meeting. When the time came, the three of us had a nice dinner that Colleen had helped Traci prepare, which consisted of all of my favorite dishes. After the children were put to bed for the night, I asked that we conduct our meeting in the den. The sisters sat next to each other on the couch while I took a seat in a chair about ten feet away in front of them. I had given a lot of thought to the upcoming discussion throughout the week so I was prepared to deliver my decision. The girls smiled at me and waited anxiously with bated breath.

I began, "Colleen, it is a breath of fresh air to experience your recent warmth and friendliness. I wish that we could have had such a relationship all along, but that is water under the bridge." Both sisters beamed big smiles at my encouraging words.

"Colleen, you and I have not had an especially close relationship ever since I fell in love with and married your sweet little sister. So that is why I was more than a little surprised at the bombshell that Traci dropped on me last week. While I've been considering the request Traci made of me this past week, I realized that I had never heard directly from you, the person who would be at the center of this life-altering choice and so, to make sure that I understand completely where you are coming from and what you would expect of me if we were to go forward with this, I'd like you to take your time and explain to me explicitly, in your own words and no uncertain terms what it is that you want from me and why and how you expect this to become reality. Now's your chance to talk to me directly and make your case."

Colleen and Traci exchanged nervous glances but they had expected me to put Colleen on the spot. When Traci introduced this concept to me initially, we had been amid passionate lovemaking to ingratiate my cooperation. Now the three of us were fully clothed and although Colleen was dressed alluringly, nothing sexual was taking place. Her case would have to stand on its own merit.

"Thank you, Charles, for at least being open to listening to my appeal. Traci filled me in on how you initially reacted when you first heard of my idea and to be honest, I can't say I blame you a bit. I'm hoping that as you considered over the past week, the potential happiness your kindness could bring to this family, you might see things in a better light."

She paused, took a sip from her glass of wine, and continued. "I want you to know that this hasn't been an easy conclusion for me to come to. I realize how poorly I've treated you for so long and after recently seeing how much better things can be since my change of heart, I must admit that I am very ashamed of myself for the way I have behaved toward you. I hope someday you can forgive me and allow us to forge stronger and better bonds as a complete family."

"But right now" Colleen went on, "You want to hear my reasons and my proposal in clear detail, so I will do my best to present it to you in the most honest spirit. I'm quite jealous of the beautiful family you and Traci have. I couldn't ask for more perfect nieces and nephew and I love them dearly. As you know, Ted and I are still painfully childless, not from a lack of trying. We've tried every conceivable position, every method, every timing consideration, and exploited every bit of research we both could come up with to no avail. After my visit to the fertility clinic, I discovered that I am every bit as fertile as Traci is. As for Ted, I've talked to him relentlessly and he won't budge. He insists that there is nothing wrong with him and maintains that we only need more time for things to come together for us and adamantly refuses to get tested."

A tear escaped her eye as she relived her anguish and Traci reached out and held her hand. "I have no idea why Ted is being such a bastard about this. It's as if he doesn't want to know if there's a problem with him, ignoring the issue and sticking his head in the sand. A friend suggested he may have a Napoleon Complex. If he were tested, perhaps they could offer a treatment to improve his chances of fathering a child. Charles, unfortunately, the only unmistakable conclusion I can come to is that you supply very potent seed and Ted, well poor Ted doesn't. But my biological clock is ticking and when I see how happy you two are together with three such lovely children, well.... it upsets me to no end to remain childless while you two are so fruitful. It's not fair. It's just not fair." She deftly removed some notecards from her purse and held them in her hand.

Colleen dabbed her eyes with a tissue handed her by her sister as she went on. "So then I got to thinking if I were to become pregnant, regardless of who the biological father was, Ted would never know. Lord knows we have sex often enough to get five women pregnant. He would accept any child I bore as his own and never question it. That's how deeply he believes that he and I will conceive naturally over time. I wish I shared his confidence. You ask me why. Why you? Why now? Well, I have answers for you, eight of them. I only hope they're reason enough in your eyes to overcome any reluctance you may have about this. So here are my reasons in answer to your question, Charles."

"#1- Obviously I can't conceive a child with Ted and since he refuses to be tested, I doubt bearing a child by him is ever going to happen. Yet I desperately want children, a family like yours to love, cherish and call my own. Ted wants that too."

"#2- My biological clock is ticking. When a woman reaches a certain age, the ease with which her body handles pregnancy and childbirth becomes more challenging. The longer I wait, the harder it will be on me and the child."

"#3- If I were to have a child very soon, or even more than one, yes, that is what I am hoping for; your three children and mine would be very close in age and be happier playing and being together as one large happy family than if I were to wait until later."

"#4- If you were to father a child or children with me, then your children and mine would all share familial features. They would possibly be alike in temperament as well, and that would be perfect in my eyes. The high quality of your genetics is indisputable. You sure know how to produce awesome offspring, Charles. And because all of our children would have shared genetic attributes, Ted would never suspect that they weren't biologically his and he'd just believe that my genetic family characteristics prevailed over his."

"#5- In-vitro clinics have mixed success rates, and even if we were to try to go that route, it might take numerous attempts, perhaps even a dozen or more just to get the first embryo to take. Those aren't attractive odds in my book and the cost could be prohibitively expensive. It could potentially cost way more than the $125,000.00 I have left of my inheritance. So if you and I were to get together to make a baby the old-fashioned way, with love and tenderness, not only would it cost less, I'd gladly give you and Traci every penny of that 125 grand for the privilege of having a child by you and keep the money in the family where it can do the most good. Think about it, you could use it as an endowment for your children's future college, or any other purpose you might wish to use it for."

"#6- I would understand if you were to suggest that I take on someone else besides you as a sperm donor if that's what you'd want to call him. But there are two downsides to that scenario. One is that by going bareback, which would be required to conceive, I would be exposing myself and indirectly, Ted, to potential venereal diseases. If that were to happen, my marriage would be toast because my infidelity would be forced out into the open, which is a deal breaker. Secondly, I would have to trust whoever impregnated me with my life and my marriage. If word of my exploits were ever brought to Ted's attention by a talkative coworker or gigolo, my world would come down around me. Another negative would be donor availability for future impregnations should I want more than one child, which is highly likely. It is extremely unlikely that a random gigolo would be readily available again a couple of years later to help me add to my family. And if I had to secure the services of a different man later, then there goes uniformity of the children. So I'm hoping you can now start to see why you are not only my best hope to have children, Charles. You're my ONLY hope. I am certain that you are 100% faithful to Traci and could not possibly carry any diseases. And as far as trust goes, if I know nothing else about you, I know that you are a man of your word. And you would never betray the confidence that I would be placing in you as the biological father of our children."

"#7- Traci and I have already talked about this endlessly. We have hammered out every detail, every facet of this act of love and both of us are coming to you asking for a selfless act of generosity. You wouldn't be giving away children, Charles, you would be growing your family ever larger through me. You will be involved in their lives every bit as much or as little as you would like to be. Everything would be completely up to you, and Traci and I would honor your wishes either way. But what makes me the luckiest woman in the world is the fact that I have such a caring and giving sister, selflessly willing to share her husband with me toward this goal. She knows I would never try to insert myself unwanted into your lives nor ever fall in love with you romantically and try to take you away from her. This is astonishingly generous on her part and I could not imagine having a better sister to love."

"#8- And last but not least, if you do this for me, for us, then there will never ever be another cross word to or about you from me. Next to Traci, I'll become your staunchest supporter. This will totally heal the previously strained relationship between us, Charles which, I admit, is all on me. Never again. Never again. I know this is a lot to ask of you, but asking, I am. No....pleading, begging. PLEASE do this for our family, Charles."

Colleen took another deep breath and then said, "Well, that's about it in a nutshell. Eight valid and sound reasons why you are my and Ted's only hope for growing our family. I don't know what else there is to say. I know full well that you are man enough to do this if you want to. The question is: do you care enough about your family to step up to the plate? I swear you'd never regret it, Charles, never."