Self-Love

I am naked. Really. I'm sitting on my bed in my tiny, dark, box-like New York City apartment in Washington Heights, and I'm naked.

I have rough, calloused feet that sometimes ache by the end of the day. I have (still healing) scars on my shins. I have knees, one of which is still not quite healed from a torn meniscus. There are good days when all is light and hope and dreams of returning to the life I'm used to. However, there are also days of sharp, pinching pain where it's hard to stand up, put weight on it, go upstairs. Days where the thought of facing the world feels like an impossible gauntlet of challenges, but, somehow, whether by help of my long-buried ancestors or by my inner well of stubbornness, I make it through, hobble down the stairs to the train to my destination then back home to rub on whatever ointment on I'm currently trying out to repair myself with and go to bed.

My thighs... I hate my thighs. Yes, I know most women say that, but I REALLY HATE MY THIGHS. I sit and I swear they double in size, smushed, as if they were twin blobs looking up at me. The love-hate continues upwards when I look at my hips, ass, stomach and breasts. Overall, I am curvy and self-consciously large. My barely disguised lumps and rolls and imperfections shake and bounce, feeling like a crash of bulls running down ancient cobblestone when other women are present; somehow feeling less feminine because I am not petite or perfectly shaped, but overly abundant and obvious. My imperfections say, "Look at me! Oh no, I'm being looked at. How do I turn in upon myself and evaporate into nothing?"

I like my shoulders and collar bone. I sometimes see a faint whisper of delicateness hidden in them, with the potential to transcend from ugly duckling into something more swan-like. My arms while not exciting, get the job done. My neck is just there to give my head support. It does its duty well - even when under stress and aching.

Then, of course, there is she who shall not be named. She has a mind of her own. If she could talk, she'd certainly have a few choice words for me.

"Pay attention to me." she'd yell, "Find someone to touch me if you won't. Ten years is way too damned long -- a dead-spell and I need to fucking breathe!"

However, that is another story, for another evening.

I'm sitting here naked not to assess, praise or ridicule the various parts of the whole, but because I spent the evening cleaning house a bit and just finished washing the dust off me. The cleaning wasn't just about the physical labor or straightening up. It was about taking care of some of the things that I do to hold myself hostage... I'll take care of "x" when "w" happens. I'll reorganize my life when there's more time. I'll start believing I deserve better when someone else tells me I do. I treat myself like the garbage I just chucked on to the street corner. I say negative things to myself daily. I live by fear. I still believe the crap that people, not worth a second thought, have dumped on me.

Enough of letting people treat me like garbage, including me. Enough of feeling unworthy of connection. Enough of being down on myself for not being perfect, for feeling unusual, and awkward. Lonely.

So, let's try this again. I am naked. I am human. I have a warm, caring spirit and am an idealist, full of wonder and joy deep inside. Sometimes my inner qualities are hidden behind a wall because I'm protecting myself, not sure if I can let my guard down, but once I do, I'm loyal, kind and loving. I deserve someone who is going to love me for all my qualities -- good, bad, quirky, strange, perverted, etc. I deserve someone who is available to let me love them. I deserve a life and love that makes me feel intellectually fulfilled. I deserve new opportunities and challenges and all the good things life, and the universe drop in my lap.

I have a body. It might not look like the 99% of the world's ideal, but there is beauty here, and if I must look inch by inch every day to find it in myself, so be it. I am evolving. I am a masterpiece in progress. I'm not going to be completed overnight, but it's enough to know that I am worth the effort.