She’s still Snow White. Honest!

Poetry is the language of love and should be used time and again to spice up your private life. And during the lockdown period we need it more than ever. Let's face it we're not playing games here. This is a serious business. Apart from the role play and the humour and satire bit. So, to sum up...

We're playing games here, and this is a bit of a joke.

Regardless, this isn't a quickie with some slapper you've stumbled on down by the docks. This is loving intercourse with your significant other.

Or as we call them these days, your lockdown lover. And let me add, I'm not casting aspersions about ladies or indeed gentlemen who first met their partner in a dockyard context. As the saying goes "Everyone loves a sailor."

You would be forgiven for thinking that this adult fantasy is going to end with one or maybe both of you spread-eagled on a hammock. Exciting stuff, but it's been done before. This isn't going to be nautical or nice. If you're looking for hellishly hot hammock humping let me refer you to 'Pirate Sex for Beginners'. You can always come back here later.

This lockdown role play stars you or your partner as the Wicked Witch or glamorous queen from Snow White. It's entirely up to you how you play her; misunderstood beauty or dominatrix. But as you will see, it's designed to be flexible, so you can do both. The gift that keeps giving!

The bejewelled, berobed bewitching and bespectacled glamorous queen addresses her magic mirror in order to ascertain just who has the most magnificent décolletage in the kingdom.

No, sorry, that should read 'bejewelled, berobed and bewitchingly glamorous queen'. I tried to insert another be' word and spellcheck kicked in. It turns out that you don't actually have to turn it on when you write about witches, so it won't happen again.

The other one of you will be playing dual role! The mirror and the huntsman. Unless that is that you have an actual magic mirror in which case it would probably be best to use it to cure coronavirus rather than as a sexual prop.

Huntsman props are straightforward; think Errol Flynn from the 1938 classic, "The adventures of Robin Hood." Simply lose the bow and add a giant chopper.

In the simplest scenario the non-Queen provides the voice of the mirror from the wings before emerging to play the huntsman. You may not be RADA trained, but provided you've acted out a few fantasies before this one, you'll find performing a dual role stimulating.

Here, at last is the poetry...

I

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Mirror: "O you my queen, your rack's fantastic,

Larger than Pammy's which is made of plastic."

II

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Mirror: "O queen your bras must pass a stress test,

Once more proving that your breasts are bestest."

III

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Mirror: "Your enormous pillows can't be taken lightly.

Men of vigour yearn to sleep on them nightly."

IV

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Mirror: "Today Newton admitted your twins defy gravity

And he's made a firm offer to fill up your cavity."

V

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Mirror: "O queen your boobs are truly majestic,

You possess the country's vitallist statistic."

VI

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Mirror: "You O Queen everybody loves your breasticles,

A national poll called them the doggy's testicles."

VII

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Mirror: "Men dream of your chest, it's a national treasure,

Causing temporary blindness and sexual pleasure."

The queen may be portrayed a ruthless psychopath, but not necessarily to the point where during the course of the day she has to question her mirror time and time again. That would be mad. So, if you're happy with the big boob thing, you have seven alternate 1st verses. You could spread the role play over time or even make a week of it. It's up to you.

If you're unimpressed by bodacious boobies, you can tailor the role play to your own predilections. It could be bottoms or legs and as ever this is also gender reversible. A substantial re-write will be necessary but think of the poetry as part of the fun. A sort of pre-foreplay if you like.

Whatever you decide, the rest is mandatory.

VIII

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Mirror: "But Queen you rule a mighty nation

There's no need to have a breast fixation."

IX

Wicked Witch: "I said, mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Mirror: "O beautiful queen, should mere size be so vital

When you're svelte and landed and have a title?"

X

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror just spill the beans,

Before I smash you to smithereens."

Mirror: "O my queen, your tits are still weighty yet shapely

But young Snow Whites have been developing lately."

XI

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror what explains her inflation,

A Wonder bra or breast augmentation?"

Mirror: "O Queen, She's reached the age when girls reconfigure.

And as a result, her bosom's bigger."

XII

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror, just give me a break,

Tell me the bitch is as flat as a pancake."

Mirror: "Sorry O Queen there's been no mistake.

They're so heavy they give her backache."

XIII

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror, how can it be?

She's not even a member of the bourgeoisie."

Mirror: "Yes Queen there were doubts about her family tree.

But nothing could stop her hitting puberty."

XIV

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror, I have a plan that involves abduction,

Chloroform and a breast reduction."

Mirror: "O Queen, even if her behaviour's awful,

Unsolicited surgery is still unlawful."

XV

Wicked Witch: "Mangy mirror, I'm the queen of this nation,

That little cow's having the operation.

We'll soon reduce her massive structure

I'll get the huntsman to abduct her."

This is the cue for the ex-mirror to bound in all huntsman-like; as dashing as the young Flynn, choppered up and ready to do the queen's bidding.

XVI

Huntsman: "Hello Queen I'm here as you decreed

Prepared to satisfy your every need."

Wicked Witch: "I desperately need your giant chopper.

To fly to Snow White, for a deed improper."

XVII

Huntsman: "O Queen it's true I have a fair horn,

But it's not designed to get me airborne."

Wicked Witch: "You say you have no means for flight,

So, why's thy name Chopper my good Knight?"

XVIII

Huntsman: "O Queen, it's down to the size of my plonker

To be fair it's enormous, a bit of a stonker."

Wicked Witch: "So it doesn't relate to you flying a chopper,

It's just because your cock is a whopper?"

XIX

Huntsman: "O Queen now you know I can't satisfy thee,

I beg you please not to crucify me."

Wicked Witch: "So you're hung like a horse from my livery stable?

Whip out your knob and put your meat on my table."

XX

Huntsman: "Show mercy if you're going to emasculate me,

I beg you O Queen, please first sedate me."

Wicked Witch: "Silence and produce it you pitiful fool

I just need to see your self-proclaimed tool."

XXI

Huntsman: "Thank-you O Queen I'm ready for inspection.

Here just for you is my massive erection."

Wicked Witch: " By God you were right, it's penile perfection

Now stick it at once in my middle section."

Huntsman: "O Queen, I can't screw you because that is illegal

For I'm a mere peasant and you are quite regal."

Wicked Witch: "Just shut your fat mouth and give me your erectness

I've had more than enough of your political correctness."

It is at this point that the queen straddles the huntsman and the pair of them (you) get on with doing whatever the hell it is that you damn well want to do.

If you were looking for a Snow White role play, I can see that this might be a disappointing on a number of levels.

1. It doesn't involve Snow White.

2. It doesn't involve Prince Charming.

3. It doesn't involve the Seven Dwarves.

4. It doesn't involve any sex.

You may indeed decide to call it the Snow White-less role play, although all fantasies which she's not in technically qualify. Regardless, I'm hardly going to admit that a role play involving a mirror and Betjaminesque poetry is all bad.

If you did enjoy it but prefer to add the personal touch, there are thousands of appropriate lines. I couldn't find any myself, but there are many words for large and breast, so you're bound to be able to make up something to your liking.

And, of course, the whole big boob thing is purely optional. Reduce the breasts if you want. You don't even need to start 'Mirror, mirror in the hall'. To be candid, I just changed the line because I'm not keen on handing a pile of Deutschmarks over to the Grimm brother's estate.

If you're gifted poetically let me suggest something along the lines of...

XXII

Wicked Witch: "Mirror, mirror in the hall,

Who's the biggest one of all?"

Mirror: "O Queen your boobs are Brobdingnagian,

And neither nork is a remotely saggy'un."

Brilliant. In fact, the winner of a national competition I organised. The prize was the opportunity to be published and I am delighted to formally keep my side of the bargain. As a bonus to the unlucky runners-up, I have also included their efforts above, such as they are.

Now, if either of you still want to go for the full Snow White, there are at least three standard versions...

1. Snow White meets the Huntsman.

2. Snow White meets the Handsome Prince.

And the traditional

3. Snow White meets the Seven Dwarves.

If you've somehow got this far though you should realise that the fantasy has no limitations. Snow White can shag anyone she likes. It could be the Marquis of Carabas, Aladdin or even Baron Hardup. And you don't have to limit yourself to fairy tale characters; Superman, Spiderman, Batman or indeed any other man or woman, superhero or not, can join in the fun.

For the record. According to the Grimm's 1812 version of this poem a beautiful young queen pricked her finger whilst sewing at an open window during a winter snowfall, causing three drops of blood to drip onto the freshly fallen white snow on the black windowsill.

She said to herself, "How I wish that I had a daughter that had skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, and hair as black as ebony". Soon after that, she gave birth to a baby girl with those very features. But I say she wasn't named because of the colour of her skin because that would be racist.

The name Snow White was given because she is the quintessential virgin. This is a fantasy for any race, colour or creed. But no matter how many times you use it, she's re-virginalised and ready for your next encounter.

If you disagree, just call subsequent role plays Snow Off-white. He could ask her if she's called Snow White on account of being as pure as the driven snow. She could reply that it's true apart from a few chance encounters and then give him a list. Subsequent sex should be every bit as fantastic.

Whatever you do, before this crisis is over you have to attempt the Snow White meets the Seven Dwarves fantasy at least once. Then she can exclaim "When I asked for seven inches, I expected them all at once!" It's a very old joke and like fairy tales, the old ones are the very very best.