Sk8r Boi

"We love you Dust." Jared said. "Since Drew..."

Oh god no.

I grabbed my phone and stood up.

"Thanks for dinner." I grunted, glancing at our three untouched meals.

"Wait..." Jared stood up and tried to stop me but I was out the door before he could get a hold on me.

———

I was SO fine.

I kicked a rock angrily.

I wasn't trying to hurt myself! I was just distracted. And a bit delirious when I biked to the hospital. The thought of calling an Uber... or hell, I guess an Ambo hadn't really crossed my mind.

And Jesus, those two. Could they fucking cool it with the 'I'm so worried' faces? I know I've been a bit of a mess but...

I swore to myself as I found a park bench and lay down.

When did they grow up? When did they get over it? I huffed as the dull ache in my ribs started up again. At least it took away from the dull ache in my brain.

——

About all of two minutes later I heard Jared calling for me.

"Yeah." I called back. "Over here." I sat up as he came over and sat beside me.

"You're shit at running away." He said. I laughed.

"Left my wallet at home." He put his arm around me and I let my head fall onto his shoulder. It was one of the things I liked best about Jared. He wasn't scared of intimacy. Most straight guys I know struggle with a handshake- let alone a hug. "Therapy." I said slowly. "The doctors mentioned it again."

"Good start." Jared said. "Need a hand getting an appointment?"

"I'll let you know." I said. We looked out across the street and I closed my eyes.

"Drew would be so disappointed in me." I whispered. Jared patted my shoulder.

"Never." He said. "He would be worried though." I breathed deeply.

"Don't tell Nicky, she'll freak out." I said. "Sometimes it just hurts so bad that I..."

"I know." Jared said. He looked at me. I looked at him and he got all blurry as the tears that had been threatening me since dinner finally started to fall. "Dusty. You can't do this forever. You can't just fucking try and kill yourself when you have a bad day." I squeezed his hand.

"I'm not trying to..." I choked. "I promise. I just get so..."

"I know." Jared said. "But you can't do that Dusty. You hurt all of us in the process." I sighed and wiped my eyes as I sat up.

"Right." I said. "Therapy."

—— —-

Aghhh. Therapy. It helps. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't help.

But I was so close to being normal. Until I fucked up my stupid arm it had been like 6 months without a breakdown.

Of course, the only reason I fucked up my arm in the first place was because of a breakdown. I was just having a good time at the bike track around the zoo in Newtown and it was a normal night and everything was fine and then some cunt who I didn't know me started talking about Drew, telling me he used to know a dude who rode around here, who volunteered at Everybody Eatz, who was about to finish his Law Degree with honours...

He told me how much he missed that guy and I actually laughed. I missed him too.

And as we hopped back on our bikes I heard the same familiar thoughts start to run through my head, and even turning up the volume on my phone and trying to listen to Long Legged Larry- which NEVER fails to make me smile I couldn't drown it out. Why him? Why not me? Why does that world have to live without the charming wonderful smart guy everyone loves and the fucking idiot who drinks too much gets to slouch on? What the fuck is a fucking brain aneurysm? What's the point in living a good life if it can be robbed from you at any second? What's the fucking point of anything? Why him? Why the fuck him?

Because life's a bitch and I knew it.

I never actually mean to hurt myself. But there's a part of me that doesn't care anymore. There's a part of me so fucking mad at the world I hope I die and get a chance to fight whoever it is who makes the rules. And here's the thing... A set of cracked ribs is in fact a wonderful distraction from a permanently broken heart.

----

I guess I had a lot of headspace available while I was off work. That's not a good thing for me. Celia was glad I called.

I sat on her couch with a peppermint tea and shrugged as I looked at her.

"So not going great huh?" She said with a smile.

"Been better." I shrugged. "Been worse though so that's something." I sighed. "I don't understand how everyone else can keep it together." Celia nodded.

"I'm sure they think the same about you." She said. I laughed and held my cast out.

"Uh-huh."

"You said you've been promoted at work?" She asked. I swallowed and nodded. I'd worked on my craftsmanship and found a job in a smaller company that registered me with the Master Builders Association. That's one of the reasons the boss was so pissed off at me- he'd given me a chance to prove myself and I was too busy fucking myself up to take advantage of it. He sent over a bunch of plans for me to look at while I was at home. Told me he was going to have to get me used to paperwork if I kept injuring myself. I was thinking about work when I heard Celia clear her throat. "Sorry." She said gently. "Let's bring you back."

"Daydreaming again." I mumbled.

"Are you still doing the meditation?" She asked me and I winced guiltily.

"Hmm." I grunted. "The problem with mindfulness is a lot of it is about staying present in your body... but I hate my body and I don't want anything to do with it." Celia smiled at me.

"When you say hate your body... Can you unpack that a bit for me?"

"I... it's like.... I just don't want to, you know... be there with it. I can have fun when I'm not thinking about anything, you know when I'm like, on site, or biking, or hanging out... but when it's just me... I just... " I wrinkled my nose. "I think it's uh. You know. Guilt." I felt my eyes prick a bit and tried to blink it away.

"Guilt." She nodded. "It's very heavy isn't it?"

"Will it ever go away?" I asked quietly. I knew she couldn't answer that. I wanted her to say yes of course, darling. It takes exactly three years and four months so you only have to wait for 7 months and 14 days and then you'll be alright again. Shocker- she didn't say that.

"Managing it is a good start." She said. "Instead of sitting on that guilt and trying to push it away, or write a narrative around it, could I ask you to try something really hard, and just sit with it? Just let yourself feel it, where it sits in the body."

I sighed and looked at her.

I hate this part.

I always end up crying.

----

"How was your day?" I asked Jared and Nicky over the dinner table. Jared had called me out of my room, pretending they made too much again. They look after me, it's really very sweet. Jared laughed.

"Actually quite interesting. A couple of guys on the floor above me turn out to be fucking. Nicky lost money on that." I glanced at Nicky.

"You bet on who's fucking each other at work?" She laughed.

"All the time! I'm usually right." She sighed. "But Ryan screams straight right?" She looked at Jared who shrugged.

"You know I don't have gaydar." He said. I picked at my food thoughtfully.

"Are they hot?" Jared rolled his eyes and Nicky blushed.

"Go on Nicky." He teased. "Are they hot?" She laughed.

"Not your type." She told me. "Corporate guys. Suits." I made a face.

"Nope. Gross." I looked at my food thoughtfully. "I wonder what skater boi is up to." I sighed. Jared laughed at me.

"Not over skater boi?" I shrugged.

"It was the perfect meet cute and I forgot to get his number. Maybe I should post on reddit."

"I don't think that's what reddit is for." Nicky said. "But hey- all the meet cutes in movies end with the guy releasing he forgot to get manic pixie dream skater boi's number. You'll run into him again."

"He's on Grindr..."

"If you download Grindr again we really will kick you out." Nicky frowned at me. Hookup apps were banned in the house. I went through kind of a major whore phase a year ago. Nicky and Jared had probably heard more horny bottoms describing my dick than they'd had hot dinners. I laughed.

"Na. I'm not really looking for a bunch of hookups anyway. Cal was kind of a one off." Jared and Nicky looked at each other.

"Tell me you're not going celibate." Nicky said. "No work and no sex... you'll drive us fucking crazy." I sighed.

"First you want me to stop hooking up, then you tell me I need to get laid... choose a lane." I grinned. "Anyway. I didn't mean I was gonna go celibate. Just, you know. Maybe I'm looking for a little more." Nicky smiled at me. She glanced at Jared. I tried to ignore their little unspoken conversation. I knew I'd reached the point of wanting to start dating again some time ago, but I hadn't said it out loud. I was always a bit better at expressing myself after therapy.

"Well you're never gonna meet a nice guy stuck inside." Jared said. "Thought any more about picking up a hobby?" I shrugged.

"Fishing. You can teach me.." I suggested. Nicky shook her head.

"You can't cast a line until that's off." She pointed at my arm.

"Chess." I joked. Jared and Nicky laughed at me. "Hey!" I laughed. "All I need are those magic chess drugs like that show right?"

"I think the magic chess drugs only work if you're like... kinda already good at chess." Nicky said sympathetically. She patted me on the back. "There's a community garden thing tomorrow." She mentioned. "I have a ticket but I can't get off work. You wanna go?"

"What is it?" I asked. She shrugged.

"It's like... They teach you how to grow lettuce and rosemary and stuff. Give you some seedlings to take home. You could take over the pots on the deck." I laughed. That was ridiculously wholesome.

"God, Drew would have loved that." I said. You could have heard a pin drop. Usually any mention of Drew was followed by me hiding in my room for a few days. I took a deep breath and looked up and smiled at them. "Yeah ok. I'll go. Sounds fucking lame but whatever."

"Nothing lame about learning how to cope off grid." Jared said firmly. Nicky and I laughed at him, he was such a prepper. He grinned a little as he caught my eye and nodded at me. I nodded back and we went back to talking about the guys at the office fucking.

----

I was horny lying in bed, and I was thinking about Ash. Something about the guy who got away was making me all wound up. I tried to imagine what he'd be like. Assertive, I reckon. Total power bottom. He would tie me up and use me like a big dildo. Maybe he'd even gag me. I laughed as I felt my cock stiffening in my hand. I like to manhandle a guy and get what I need from him but I can't say I mind being topped from the bottom so to speak. Not for the right guy.

I tried to balance my phone between my legs and pressed play on a couple I'd been really into lately. Amateur porn is the fucking best. I grunted in annoyance as the phone fell off my knees and I had to rearrange myself so it was resting on my pillow. I had to turn my head to watch and I knew I'd get a crick in my neck but eh. I wrapped my hand around my dick and slowly started jerking off. It was only half worth it with my right hand. I just didn't have the dexterity I was used to. I switched between watching Chad and Dmitrij and pretending I was with Ash. Or anyone. Pretending I could actually fuck right now and could slam my dripping dick into his ass... whoever he was... totally fucking raw, his little hole all puffy and wet from when I bred him last... his little grunts, his sharp intake of breath when I twisted his nipples gently... unghh.

I grunted as I came. It was starting to hurt less, my ribs must have been getting better- or I was just getting used to it. I rubbed my cum into my skin, which was really hot, and then I realised I was going to have to rinse that off at some point and grumbled to myself. I'm an idiot when Im horny. I lay in bed and tried to sleep.

----

Well.

That wasn't happening.

I sighed and started browsing reddit. I checked r/wellington and crazily enough there wasn't anything from the last month from anyone saying they met the hottest guy ever in a hospital waiting room and wanted to smash. Where did he work again? That's right. Department of Conservation. Must be a ranger or something.

I almost stopped myself, but there was no harm in looking and I knew I wasn't going to sleep now that the thought had crossed my mind.

I found their website and found myself typing. Ashley Wong? Nothing. I tapped my fingers. I tried 'hot Asian skater boi' and crazily that had no results either. Then I tried Ashley, and after a few girls- there he damn well was. Ashley Wang. His bio read that he was based in Miramar and spent his days laying traps and planting trees. It should have read that he was a fucking hot piece of ass.It should have had his number. Although there was an email address... I looked around my room and thought about it. Ughhhh. On second thoughts maybe not. I'd have to be just one step more desperate to expose what a damn stalker I was.

Eventually I got up and made a cup of tea to help me sleep. I'd read somewhere that blue lights from your phone don't help so I picked up a book and curled up on the couch. God what an awful book choice though. I picked it up because it was slim and for children but Jesus Christ. I glanced at the cover. The Happy Prince by Oscar Wilde. Well damn dude, should have called it The Saddest Story because that's what it was. I made another cup of tea and blew my nose. Fuck man, I'd gone for months without crying. Now it just seemed to be leaking out of me everyday.

I picked up one of Jared's comic books to distract me. Way better. This was fucking dumb shit I could get on board with. I read that, and slowly found myself drifting off, and I dreamt of the ridiculous adventures of Magnus and Merle and Taco- only Ash was there too and I kept chasing him and never quite pinning him down.

----- Boy gets boy —

So you'll never guess who was running Nicky's community garden thing.

Only you will, because Nicky was right.

I grinned as he mulled around, introducing himself to the attendees. I tried to catch his eye but he was absorbed in meeting everyone else. My stomach was gnawing for attention. I felt tight in my chest. I couldn't wait for him to notice me..

So I pulled out my phone, and played the notification sound.

His head wasn't the only one to glance at me, but he was the only one I was looking at. He grinned immediately and leapt over.

"Dusty!"

"Hey Ash." He threw his good arm around me and I glanced at his cast. "Aw man, you got to choose a colour!" I admired his cast. He grinned.

"Like it?"

"Hell yeah!" Hot pink. Very eye catching. He glanced at mine.

"Oh dude, yours is dope though." I'd been stuck with plaster of Paris but thanks to Nicky's fine arts degree I had a fucking sick photorealistic dragon and an octopus battling each other on mine. I twisted my arm to show him. "Did you do that?" I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah. Left handed but surprisingly artistic with my right hand." He laughed at himself.

"Oh yeah." He said. "Forgot. Hey you wanna grab a coffee?" I couldn't stop the giant smile on my face.

"Well... should we... start with you teaching me how not to kill every green thing I touch?" He laughed.

"I meant after. But good call. I should start." He grinned and squeezed my shoulder. "I'm so glad you showed up." He said as he walked away and started to gather the others.

----

I enjoyed myself more than I thought I would, and sure, 9o% of that was the super hot instructor, but it was nice to be outside, and moving again. Ash was super into plants and took us through the garden, explaining what was going to grow well, how to diagnose issues and how to save cuttings and propagate herbs. Most of the people there seemed to already know almost everything, they were nodding along knowledgeably. I didn't know a damn thing and I had heaps of questions. Eventually he laughed as I thrust my hand into the air again.

"Any more questions you can ask me later Dusty, let's give the others a chance to speak, yeah?" I blushed a little but I also felt a little special that he knew my name. A girl about my age gave me a withering look. I grinned. Well. At least her gaydar was worse than mine. Good luck, I wished her silently.

He finished the two hours with a beseechment to donate to some planting on various reserves and a pitch to buy a bit of space in the community garden. He hung around to answer questions and I waited for him. The girl who'd given me that look was flirting with him over a patch of sage and he caught my eye as she rambled on about rotating home crops. He winked and waved me over, pulling me a little too close. She swallowed and glared at me again.

"Here's my email if you have any further questions." He said. She took it and they said goodbye. I nudged Ash in the ribs.

"Don't lead her on." He grinned at me.

"I gave her my email, I didn't ask her on a date."

"Speaking of which..." I flashed him a little sort of toned down version of my award winning puppy dog eyes cute pouty thing. He laughed.

"Oh god. Thats a fucking trap isn't it?" He grabbed his bag and led the way. "Nice place round the corner." He said. I nodded and fell in step with him. He cleared his throat. "So ahhh... how's the cute radiologist?" I smiled. Ha. He was totally into me.

"We're not seeing each other." I said. He raised his eyebrows and smiled.

"Oh ok." He tried to sound casual. "So what, single?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah." We caught each other's eyes and laughed awkwardly. "Nice." He said. "Two cool single dudes grabbing a coffee..." I laughed.

"Two cool hot single gay dudes grabbing a coffee...." He grinned and stopped walking.

"Hold up." He said, and walked around me so our casts weren't bumping against each other. "That's better." He said. I glanced at him and he cautiously touched my fingers with his. I let my fingers curl back.

"Oh yeah." I said. "That is better."

——

We ordered our coffee and went to sit down.

"I totally meant to grab your number." He said. "I guess we missed each other on the way out."

"Yeah." I said. "Thought you'd run off with Nurse Cavander after all." Ash smiled at me.

"Na. Stuck up. I'm more into..." He paused and waved at someone who drifted over. "Hey Colin." He greeted the guy. "Dusty- Colin, Colin, Dusty."

"How was Water Your Plants 1o1?" Colin asked with a grin. He turned to look at me and raised his eyebrows as he saw my cast. "Holy shit." He said. "BMX babe?" Ash covered his face with his hands.

"Col." He muttered. "I was trying to play it cool."

"BMX babe huh?" I grinned at Colin. "Thats cute." I said to Ash.

"Some other dude." Ash said. "I have so many dudes in hospitals hitting on me it's not like I care or anything." I laughed.

"Well maybe you could pass on my number. He sounds cool. We could go for a ride sometime."

"Well I'd have to get your number first." Ash grinned at me and Colin rolled his eyes.

"Great line." He punched Ash in the shoulder. "I'll see you in a bit." He paused as he turned away. "Let me know if you need cover." Ash laughed and waved him away. He cleared his throat and looked at me.

"Soooo...."

"Yeah." I laughed and we swapped phones. I put myself in as BMX babe. He smiled as he took it back.

"Well now how will I tell you apart?"

"You can't ." I said, shrugging. "Unlucky for him."

"Oh well. I like you better anyway." Ash blushed and closed his eyes briefly. The same way I do when I immediately regret what I've just said. He shook his hair out and leant back in his chair.

"So you're interested in plants?" He changed the subject. I winced.

"Uh... not really. I was a lot more interested once I saw the plant guy though."

"Hmmm he does have that effect on people." We laughed as we looked at each other across the table and Ash cautiously took my hand again. "What are you up to tonight?" He asked. He was blushing again.