All Comments on 'Slave Camp Ch. 04'

You have twenty years of stories to write about four people and those they interact with and now that we are four chapters in, it’s only day two. AND that’s the good news! Because you’re gonna need that time to figure out how to fix all this mess of a story.

You know nothing about the constitution

You know nothing about economics, debt, 401k plans, wealth management, ...

You know nothing about idioms (that major mistake you made with the grain of salt / pound of salt had me laughing out loud)

You can’t write a sex scene

After what I just read, I’ll throw out an honest suggestion. Move this to non-erotic. Flesh out the world some more. Get all of that into a shape that works and you can build off of it to create erotica scenes and opportunities in the future. You seem like you are trying to wedge in the sexual acts just to have them occur somewhere in the story. They are cold, trite, and while plausible they just are not exciting. Become comfortable with your characters and their roles maybe that will help.

Anonymous. I want to thank you for the comment you left. However I felt it worth responding to. Some of my fellow writers delete comments like yours that offer little to no value.

1. Why in the world would I ever want to write twenty years worth of story? The primary purpose of this story was to create a world where slavery was legal and flourishing. Also a character study of a few individuals.

2. I was not writing a treatise on the Constitution. My primary goal there was simply to legalize slavery under certain circumstances and create a few laws in order to make it palatable to the average citizen. Plus, taxation for almost ANY enterprise is paramount as far as the government is concerned. You almost can't fart in my state without having a tax. Services are taxed as fast as goods. You cannot charge for chopping down a tree without getting an arborist license.

3.as far as the sex scenes are concerned they were never intended to be wank material. Their SOLE purpose was to humiliate and subjugate.

4. As far as my knowledge about debt, I am not an economics expert. However as far as debt, wealth management, and 401k funds, I was not far off.

I modeled Derek's character after my own life. I did those things. I saved back as large a portion of of my salary as I could legally and put it into a 401K. I took advantage of profit sharing and bonuses whenever possible. I saved as much as I could and bought some property. As a result, along with my social security, I am set for life. Not rich of course.

Rhonda and Chad are modeled after some of my own coworkers in the same regard. Refusing to save, trying to have the best cars, keep up with other family members etc. And are as financially strapped as Rhonda and Chad, up to their ears in debt. And BOTH made more money than I did at the same company. They had simply been there longer.

5. As far as my salt idiom. I wonder if you are British or Australian. I am aware the origin of the grain of salt or pinch of salt was derived from the use of salt as currency to show worth. However in America, taking something with a grain of salt has the meaning to not take something literally. Or blindly accept a story.

I am very sorry you wasted your time reading my story. I have another chapter or two planned. I would suggest you ignore them and go jerk off to one that might tickle your button.

G.

I actually enjoyed this chapter! The first chapters were kind of boring but needed to lay the ground work for the story. Looking forward to more! Also, I actually like the minimal sex content.

I really enjoyed this chapter. It seems you have given slavery a lot of thought. Thank you

What part of this ...

“... I don't care if she tells you to shove my desk lamp up your pussy, you will try your best...”

is NOT physically or mentally abusive?

Salt...

I read the other comments the one that intrigued me was the salt idiom. Yes salt has and is used as currency, *taking something with a pinch of salt* does mean treat that statement as highly suspicious. I wasn’t about to trawl through to find the specific section in the story but at risk of making assumptions I suspect that the other reader missed the joking nature of the comment from you. *Take that with a pound of salt* would to me translate as he/ she is a lying prick.

Unfortunately I managed to catch part of the last page of the story which entailed the daughter being named as Head Slave. To me that drags it unpleasantly back towards the prospect of incest. I should probably add that I’d be painfully uncomfortable with any sexual acts taking place in a room where parent (s) and (adult) child are merely together, doesn’t even need to be sex between them just one of them and a 3rd party eg Derek.

Just NO.

Tess (UK)

OK. Now it gets interesting.