So Close to Oblivion

"We could spend weeks working through this but there is another way. It won't be easy. You may think I'm mad. You need to spend time together. Take time to speak, rediscover the other. Don't avoid what happened but don't fixate on it. There were other parts to your lives. I have no expectations other than by speaking you may let your true feelings out. If need be, go out into the wilds and scream at each other, but mostly listen to the other. Not only the words but the emotions behind them. They have to come out for you to move on.

"Where to, I don't know.

"Diana stays with her parents. If possible treat this like your courtship, learn once more about the other, their strengths, their weaknesses, what you found to love, what you dislike. Do the things you used to love doing together. The only stipulation is no sex between you. I know it's unlikely but at this stage it would only make it worse, something neither of you think is possible.

"At the least it should help you enough to be able to support each other at the trial.

"We'll meet again in three days."

I was definitely shocked. Diana as well. Her mum said, "I think it's a good idea. You need to clear the air between you. Both of you have no life. Guilt, anger is holding both of you back.

"Tom come to ours for dinner tonight. You can both take a walk after. It will be a lovely evening."

To say the dinner was awkward would be mild. Envision your cock in a guillotine operated by sound and you are building up to the biggest sneeze of your life and you can't stop it. It's just a moment away.

To their credit her parents said at the beginning, only tell them what we were comfortable with. If there was anything they could do, tell them.

During the walk we talked about our work and the changes. It was safe ground which I suspect Stella expected us to focus on. Diana mentioned that Steve had left town following the attack on Brian. No one knows where he went. She never asked if I had been responsible.

It was as we were coming back away from the park it suddenly changed. We were walking along the path leading between the park to the estate her parents stayed. Diana spoke softly, just as she began crying, "I see that house for sale and can only think, it should be us there with our children. I destroyed our dreams."

She was shaking and sobbing so much. I thought she would collapse so I had to hold her. As I did I saw the house she mentioned in a little cul-de-sac. It did look like one we had thought about. Four bedrooms and a large garden. Being close to the park would have been a bonus. I teared up at the thought.

Her parents were shocked when we came in, Diana in tears and me holding her. Her mum took her to her room. I explained to Don what had happened. He spoke quietly, "She's convinced herself the divorce papers will come when the trial starts. Everyone will know why and you will be free of her. The hero who opened it all up will have his choice of women. She doesn't see any future for herself. I'm sure you holding her was a shock to her.

"If she does speak it is only to speak about what she's destroyed. I hope Stella can help her. She does need to speak to you. I'm sure you need to know what the hell possessed her to mistrust you."

I left saying I'd be back the next night unless Diana wished to cancel.

We did spend time together. We had sessions with Stella who focussed on our walks and talks. She fired darts as Diana told her about the house. She moved on with surgical precision on why she still harboured that dream.

Diana lost control. She was sobbing her heart out. Finally, she spoke, an emptiness within her exposed, "I love Tom. I'll never love another. Yet how can I say that when I behaved the way I did. His love for me meant he fought for us. He stopped their plans. Why didn't I fight for us? The house was perfect, location, size, garden. We should have been there, awaiting our child. I fucked us up. I killed everything that was great in my life. I have no excuse."

She shouted out, "Tom deserves a woman who truly understands love."

Stella really dug and exposed much more, her loathing for herself, her fears she'd repeat this if she found someone new. The most harrowing part was the way she never saw herself with another, with children. She no longer dreamed of that.

Once Stella had delved deeply into Diana, she turned her attention to me. What were my thoughts on Diana's revelations.

I took a few moments before speaking. My voice showed more emotion than it had previously, "I'm shocked that Diana says she loves me. I saw her withdrawing from me months before the end. What I said had less importance. I never knew, at that time, she'd been set up by Bill and Brian over my alleged cheating. It would have been around that time when I was away for a week on business.

"It appeared every time we spoke or I mentioned what was happening at those dances, she went ballistic at me. The anger, the venom. We stopped being us. The argument we had coming home from the dance where she was paraded as the next whore exceeded any we'd ever had. She exploded with all the venomous stuff about me having an affair, it just cut me so deeply. We seldom spoke after that. If we did it was only in anger.

"I had to basically force her to sit as I explained all my concerns. I told her she had a choice, believe me or sign the divorce papers which I threw at her.

"She didn't sign them nor did she change her mind. I knew we couldn't survive this but I couldn't let her be turned into a whore."

Stella asked, "Why? It seems it was her decision. Why prevent it?"

I answered, "I don't know."

Stella said firmly, "You do. You've buried it deep but you know the answer. You need to be honest with yourself first of all. Why did you prevent it?"

I took a few more moments but Stella just looked at me. She'd wait. I finally said, sadly, "I love Diana, I couldn't see her treated like that."

Diana looked shocked. Stella smiled.

Now it was my turn to be grilled, filleted and ripped apart.

Louise made me come to theirs for my dinner. She'd seen how both of us were. We did go for our walk but I doubt we spoke many words. We were both raw. The emotions we'd buried were coming out. It was bloody painful.

Diana hugged me and whispered, "Thank you for saving me" as we parted.

Over the next few weeks, we did as Stella suggested. While we ended up able to speak, we didn't become any closer if that was her intention. The gap between us remained. In truth the sessions just showed how we'd been hurt by the experience. There was no understanding the motives of the other. There were so many arguments which we'd never had before.

In the end the trial didn't go ahead as they pled guilty. The two shrews, to save themselves no doubt had turned on their bosses. It was a sordid affair. The women were drugged at the spa, used by the man, the video of it used to coerce the victim to seal business deals. The Police had found evidence in many women of the drugs used. The sentences weren't long enough in my view for the damage they had caused. Montague arsehole only received seven years in prison. Others from the top table received similar outcomes. Bill and Brian were given community payback orders and put on the sex offenders' register. The names of the companies whose employees had abused the women were read out in court. The men were sentenced for sexual assault as they didn't know the women were being coerced allegedly.

After it was over, in our session with Stella, I told Diana I was going to seek a divorce. I couldn't get beyond her lack of trust in me. I still cared for her but what we had between us had been destroyed totally. Nothing we had done had shown any way we could be reconciled.

Diana understood, "I destroyed us. I haven't seen any of the loving Tom I knew in the last few months. We've been two different people. It's my fault. I won't fight it. We can work together and agree everything so we'll save on solicitor fees."

Stella said we both still had outstanding issues which we'd need to address to completely be free to move on. She hadn't been surprised but suggested as neither of us were looking at a new partner, we delay it until we had fully resolved our issues. For that we had separate sessions with her which she used to delve deep within us.

With Stella I had to acknowledge that I loved Diana but there was no way I could be reconciled with her. She wanted to know why I was so inflexible in my attitude as it had caused even more division when we had spoken or rather, screamed at each other.

Stella persuaded me to allow her to use hypnosis on me to try and find out if there was a reason behind this I was unaware of. When we reviewed the recording, I had no recollection of the event, I was talking about. My first serious girlfriend had two timed me. Because of that, I had difficulty processing trust other than in a black and white way. Due to this, I couldn't see the conflict within Diana. I only saw that she believed their lies.

Stella left me with a question, "Would I have behaved differently to Diana had I recognised the conflict within her?"

I struggled with that concept. At our next session, Stella took me through earlier times with Diana and how in many instances, I observed, saw different strategies and used ones which would be beneficial. Had I seen other options would I have used them? My black and white only options didn't allow any nuanced strategy. Could a nuanced discussion have provided what I sought?

My brain was mince. I went for a run. After three miles, I was damning Stella. She was right. Black or white gave no room for any nuanced discussion. I had heard Diana's conflict, her need to speak quietly, not scream at each other, discuss this yet I ignored it. I only wanted her to agree totally with me. Her thoughts had no importance to me. Had I given her those options would she have found her way to allow her trust of me to come to the surface? Was I responsible for her actions?

It didn't help, I was running past point A where there was dogging going on. The camera wasn't focussed on the car park but the trail. I didn't stop. I couldn't fathom anyone wanting such soulless sex. The rest of the way, the sex Diana and I had shared kept coming into my mind. I felt my erection bouncing around as I ran.

Once home I had a wank, the first due to arousal since she walked out of the flat. I'd had several before I had a wet dream.

The next day was Saturday so I had nothing to take my mind off the thoughts Stella had provoked. I found myself walking through the park near Diana's parents' home. The sight of parents' playing with their children brought tears to my eyes.

I sat on a bench and cried. The bench was one we often stopped at on our way to her home. It was where I first saw her amazing breasts. The place where we first fucked. I hadn't been given an option, she'd mounted me.

The tears were flowing like a river as my memories came flooding back. I remained there for a few hours before heading home. I just went to bed I was so worn out.

My next session started on that discovery and my response since. I explained everything and Stella went back through all I had listed. Why was I so upset? She didn't let me prevaricate. I had to admit I loved Diana. I still loved Diana.

Stella moved onto my thoughts. Had I not been so intransient and Diana stopped going to the dances, what would I have done? We'd have stayed together.

Stella floored me by saying, "The last two sessions, the Tom Diana had described has been here. You wouldn't engage fully because you had no room to allow consideration of her feelings. To you it was black and white. Your inner conflict drove your anger. One part of you wanted to be the normal Tom but the other was driven by your reaction to your first girlfriend cheating on you. The hurt from that overruled your love for Diana.

"I'd suggest another joint session to help you understand how your reaction affected Diana's response. It may help bring the last of your wall of anger down.

"You'd need to ask her as if I did, she'd see it only as a tool to beat her up. If she sees a Tom more like the one she knew, she may agree. She may not as in many of these sessions, your anger has hurt her deeply. While she wanted to hear your words, she'd hoped over time you'd lose the venom. Today there has been none."

I agreed to ask her. I went straight to her home before I lost the nerve. I'd seen my actions as Stella spoke. I had been a bastard to Diana.

Louise let me in. She was cool towards me. I couldn't blame her.

Her parents left us alone. I spoke firmly, "Diana, I need to apologise to you for the way I've treated you throughout. I gave you no quarter. After I told you I wished to divorce you as I saw there was no us anymore, you agreed. I wasn't the Tom you had loved.

"Stella has taken me apart even further. I was so inflexible she wanted to know why. She hypnotised me and found an incident I had buried deep within me from many years ago, long before you. This was why I was so inflexible. She'd never met the Tom you'd described until this session and the one I've just come from.

"She posed questions about how I treated you, reacted to you. Every answer was I never gave you an option which allowed you to communicate with me. On Saturday I sat on the bench we used to court on for hours. I was crying rivers of tears as I saw parents playing with their children.

"My inflexible mindset made our failure inevitable. Had I not been, maybe we'd have reacted differently. Worked together like we normally did. Overcome the bastards but still be together.

"She's asked me to ask you to join us again. It won't be inflexible Tom looking to hurt you. It will be a broken Tom who knows he treated you appallingly."

Diana was shocked. She spoke softly, "What does Stella think this session will do?"

I thought hard, "She said, had I been more flexible, I would have reacted to your conflict differently. I'd need to know from you, did my reaction stop us working together. You may need questions answered as to why I failed to support you better.

"I know since she discovered why I was so inflexible, I see in my memories things I wish I hadn't done. If you have questions about why I treated you as I did maybe it will help you as well. I hope so."

Diana thought for a few moments. She smiled, "Stella is right. You do seem more like Tom. Okay I'll agree. If you behave as you have, I'll walk out and never speak to you again."

I left with her words ringing in my ears.

I turned up at Stella's room very nervous. My mind and I had still to agree as to how I should have behaved. Diana was in the waiting room. She was nervous.

Stella brought us through. She started by asking Diana how she'd been since I'd asked her to this. Diana said, "Nervous, scared he'd be as he's been. I agreed as I'd seen some of the old Tom for the first time in months." Stella looked at me, I responded, "Scared. My mind has been everywhere. I don't like what you made me face but Diana didn't deserve that either. Then I go again, she deserved it. I expected the conflict to resolve but it hasn't."

Stella brought Diana up to date on what she had done to open my mind. Diana listened, nodded at parts. Stella asked, "What were you seeking from Diana when the arguments began?"

I looked at Diana as I replied, "I thought it was simple. They were breaking up marriages. She'd see that and we'd stop going. When she started withdrawing from me, I was confused. We'd always been so intuitive with each other, knowing when the other needed a hug, a quiet word or even made to speak about what was worrying them.

"I didn't know those bastards were setting her up, telling her I was having an affair. The more I spoke trying to explain my fears the more she withdrew because of their actions.

"I felt my trust in Diana slowly dwindle. I didn't know how that then triggered my reaction. I stopped listening, changing how I'd speak if the way I was using didn't work. There was only one solution, the one I demanded. The more I did the further apart we became. I allowed myself to think the unthinkable. Diana wanted to be used by them. The power, the money, promotions were more important than me.

"In the end, I stopped Montague because somewhere within me I knew Diana didn't want to be their whore. It must have been hidden as I didn't set out to do it. I was just going to watch the end of my world. As I saw her being led towards him, I knew she wasn't the Diana I knew so I had to act."

Stella asked, "You disclosed you did that as you loved Diana. Where are you now?"

I looked at Diana as I added, "I still love Diana."

Diana was shocked, her eyes couldn't be any wider.

Stella asked, "Why, if you love her did you treat her like you have done since almost the beginning of this?"

I took a few moments. My voice showed my nerves and resolve as I looked at Diana.

"Stella brought out a buried memory I wasn't aware of it. Had you asked if I'd ever been two-timed I'd have said no. My first serious girlfriend had two timed me. Her behaviour had cut so deeply into me, I couldn't cope. I buried it so deeply I had no conscious memory of it. My insecurities from that incident meant I built a defence mechanism to protect me. Stella has begun to reveal how it fed into my feelings of inadequacy which has impacted on so many areas of my life. The experience left me with a simple view. Trust is either 100% or none. 99.9% was not acceptable.

"In all our discussions, arguments and bloody rows, I saw your refusal to understand my concerns as being caused by your lack of trust in me. The less trust I saw the more I demanded absolute trust.

"As Stella dissected me, I saw I gave you no option. I saw the conflict within you but I couldn't speak in any other way which would have allowed you to tell me. The more we rowed, the more my intransigence made me inflexible. I couldn't alter what I did to allow you to answer in a way which worked for you. My need for your complete trust meant I never looked in any way at how I could engage in any meaningful dialogue with you.

"I wasn't the Tom you told Stella I was. I was a piece of inflexible steel. I see my actions drove you away. You blamed yourself. The more I have rewound what we did, how I behaved, most of the fault is mine. You tried in a number of ways to speak but I only sought one option. My option.

"I'm so sorry I drove you to contemplate heading to the spa to prove me wrong. Neither of us knew they drugged the women but had we been able to speak, I'm sure we'd have thought they could have done so. If we had, you'd never have gone."

Diana looked at me and then Stella. "Are you saying your whole demeanour, blanking me, screaming at me, refusing to discuss quietly what was happening, the cause was hidden inside you, from you?"

I nodded as I said sadly, "Yes!"

Stella spoke, "In our sessions, he was never like you described him. He was always as in the joint ones, combative, my view is the only view. He lashed out verbally at you and others. Occasionally there were little flashes of a more caring person but his anger soon stopped any advancement.

"We had made no progress so I suggested hypnosis. He was reluctant but finally agreed. I found the story of his first serious girlfriend two-timing him. He'd hidden the hurt so deep he never recalled it in our normal sessions. When we listened to the recording, he was in tears. The memory still hurt him deeply. I delved deeper into how this feeling created the inflexible Tom.

"Then the realisation hit him, he'd only seen your problems from the one perspective, his. He was very emotional. The next session we uncovered how he had behaved and looked at what else he could have done. He saw how many opportunities he had to shift the debate, allow you both to listen. Like you normally did which he ignored due to this block.