Somewhere East of Eden

It was an idyllic day. My room was as luxurious as the rest of the place, basically a 14th floor suite with a balcony overlooking the pool area below and the ocean beyond. But I was still processing the fact that I wasn't in Kansas anymore. Okay, I've never been in Kansas. But Ohio is just as, shall we say -- "agricultural," and I always liked the analogy. The only thing I lacked was a pair of ruby slippers.

I wandered over to the bed and sat with my head in my hands. It was finally sinking in that I would never see the things I loved, my wife and happy home, my satisfying job, or the simple pleasures of small-town life. Instead, I was adrift on a sea of uncertainty, doomed to suffer the anguish and loneliness that anybody would feel in a new and totally alien world.

I rolled onto my back put my hands behind my head and immediately knocked out. Stress does that to me. It was sunset when I opened my eyes. I was still in a luxury suite in a high-end resort in the tropics, not in my bedroom at home. It wasn't a dream after all.

I would have been frightened to death; except I already was dead. Still, I couldn't just sit there fretting. I would probably have gone right over the balcony if I'd thought about it anymore. Of course, I would have no-doubt just floated down to a soft landing given my new reality.

I remembered that there was going to be an event downstairs. Maybe I could get my feet under me by mixing with the senior citizen set? At least I could get a drink. I assumed that the alcohol in this place wouldn't give me a hangover.

I was in swim trunks. So I opened the closet to see if there were any clothes to wear. As I expected, there was the assortment of high-end pants, shoes, shirts, and jackets that would normally be found in George Clooney's closet. I put on a light linen suit, which must have cost a cool two-thousand bucks, over a black silk shirt and a pair of topsiders, no socks, and sauntered down to the elevator.

Things were just kicking off when I got to the hotel's ballroom. Gabriel was doing the usual welcome speech to a crowd of about ninety people. There was a bar at the back. I headed for it. My little friend was the barkeep.

I ordered a Bud Light, like I usually drink. He said disapprovingly, "We don't serve beer here, sir." I got it, this was a high-class joint, not the Village Inn. So, I said, "What do you suggest?" He said, "Let me make you a dark-and-stormy. It is the official drink of the big boat sailors in the Bermuda Yacht Race," well la-de-da!!

I had no idea what a dark-and-stormy was. My only interest was whether it had alcohol in it. So, I said, "What's it made out of?" The little man said perhaps a little too keenly, "It's a delicious mixture of Goslings Dark Seal rum and Barrett's ginger beer. Very refreshing on a hot night in the tropics." He had me sold at the word "rum."

I said cheerfully, "Fix me up my little friend!" He was right. I was going to drink a lot of those.

The introductions were over, and Gabriel was glad-handing his way in my direction. When he finally got to me, he said in a hail-fellow-well-met tone, "So happy that you could make it Adam. Mix with your contemporaries and enjoy yourself."

He meant fellow sinners, not people my age. I was at least 35 years under the average age of the people in that room. I looked at the flock of geezers and said sardonically, "I'll do that. I always enjoy hearing how life was in the Vietnam War era."

Gabriel laughed and said, "Yes, your sins follow you to the grave. But there are a surprising number of people here who are in your age bracket. Infidelity often leads to violence as you well know. Just circulate and you'll run into people you are compatible with."

Then he added archly, "Your lover is here as well. I suggest that you tread lightly." That gave my heart a little lift. Gabriel sensed my response and he looked at me warningly for a second. Then he gave my hand another pump and continued working the crowd.

I turned and wandered toward the back of the ballroom. The senior-citizen-set was crowding the middle. That group was equally divided among men and women, each and every one of them a certified philanderer.

A few people my age were congregated in the back. I walked in that direction. Only to discover that it was the archetypal pack of macho assholes and suburban sluts that you see around block parties and singles bars. I wouldn't hang with those people in real life - let alone if I were dead.

Then I noticed a lone figure sitting head down in a chair against the wall radiating misery. Since that was precisely how I felt, I strolled over and sat down next to her.

She was younger than me, small and waiflike. I almost thought she was a kid. But when she turned to look at me inquiringly, I could see in her eyes that she was anything but childlike. They had a depth of worldly knowledge that you only get with a hard life.

I said sympathetically, "Are you lonely? I am too."

Her eyes turned adamant, and she said harshly, "Get the fuck away from me you creep.!!" Then she burst into tears.

I jumped to my feet and made a placating gesture with my hands as I said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. It looked like you were the only person in this room who felt like I did. I just wanted to see if you'd like to talk about it."

She was holding her face in her hands. Without looking up she said agonized, "Nobody feels like I do." Then she went back to crying hard. We were total strangers. And so, I wasn't going to attempt to comfort her. In fact, I got the impression that I might lose a limb if I tried.

The strange woman was the first person I'd run into who wasn't treating the situation in like she was attending a class reunion. I wondered why she was in such bad shape compared to the rest of us.

You might ask why I was able to cope with the sudden extreme dislocation. Well... you had to be there. First of all, the setting and the general mood of the resort was like a bottle of happy pills. The gorgeous surroundings helped you forget that you were alone and totally bereft.

But there are also occasions in your life when the door slams shut and you go off in a new direction, like the first day of school, or the day you leave home to go to college, or the military. That also includes life events like marriage and birth of your first child. My current situation felt just like one of those times. Except of course, I was dead. Hence, the door was permanently closed.

I was walking back to the bar to get another dark-and-stormy when I bumped into Eve. She was wearing a smoking hot LBD that ended about four inches below her hoo-ha and showed off her incredible legs and insanely curvaceous body. She was socializing with the pack of yuppie d-bags I'd previously avoided. She made a bee-line the minute she spotted me, love in her eyes. This was going to be difficult.

Eve arrived as eager as a Labrador with a ball in its mouth and said, "Isn't this wonderful my love. We can be together forever now." I looked at her beautiful face. It hadn't changed a bit in the twelve hours since we'd last been together. But then of course, we were both alive back then.

I said, "I assume you've talked to your advisor." She nodded enthusiastically. So I went on with, "I also assume that they made it clear that both of us are on some kind of thin ice here, any misstep will get us into a world of cosmic hurt."

She said lightly, "They told me all that. But what does that have to do with our love for each other. We aren't married in this place and it's a perfect setting. We can make love like we always wanted."

Gabriel's words rang in the back of my mind, "Tread lightly."

I said a bit hesitantly, "I want to be with you as much as you want to be with me. But we've only just gotten here and there are a different set of rules. Maybe we should hold off on doing anything until we understand what this all means."

Eve got an angry look and said, "Where's this coming from??! What are you trying to tell me? Are you breaking up with me? Were you saying all those things just to fuck me?"

I said placatingly, "I meant every word of it. But we've used up all of our get-out-of-jail-free cards and any misstep here is going to be the last one we take. This is a serious situation."

Eve said, "That's nonsense. My advisor told me that there is no such thing as Hell."

Suddenly an eternity with this woman didn't seem quite so attractive. I said, "If that's the case, then what does one night matter. We're messing with stuff we don't understand, and I just want to play it cool until I figure out how things work. You have to admit that your world's changed a lot since you woke up this morning in Ohio."

She gave me a pretty little smile and said, "Don't be a pooper. When I woke up this morning, I would've never imagined that I'd be standing in this incredible place with all of these interesting people. You've gotta learn to enjoy life, and I've got something really spectacular planned for you as soon as we get back to my room." That was accompanied by a lascivious wink. We were not on the same page.

I said, "There is nothing I would enjoy more. But I don't want to start by making the same mistake that got us here in the first place." That got me an angry reaction.

Eve said huffily, "Well then Mr. Downer. I guess I'll just go spend my time with people who know how to party!"

With that, she spun on her 5-inch heel and stomped back toward the yuppie scum she'd been standing with. They were staring at us like a herd of Wildebeests - except a bit less intelligently. Eve's arms were raised over her head, showing off her magnificent tits and she was going, "Wooohooo!"

I thought to myself, "How could I have been so stupid."

I turned and walked toward the big French doors on the outside wall. They were wide open to the tropic night and a soft scented breeze was blowing through them. I strolled onto the paved veranda and up to the substantial stone ornamental parapet. I gazed out over the sculpted lawn toward the beach. The modest waves were phosphorescent as they broke at the waterline creating a spectacle of color and sound.

I had a Cuban Cohiba Esplendido with me. I like the occasional cigar on a warm night and so naturally there was a small humidor and the necessary cigar lighter and clipper in my room. I catch shit from the cigar Nazi's when I light up close to a group of decent folks, even though I'm puffing on something that costs over sixty bucks a stick. So I decided to sit on the empty beach and enjoy it.

I walked to a bench at the edge of the beach, clipped the end, lit up and enjoyed the incredible aroma of good, aged tobacco. I was admiring the long ash that you get from a premium cigar when I saw movement at the waterline off to my right.

I looked closer and it was the little woman from the ballroom, the one who had shot me down with such extreme prejudice. She looked like she was trying to decide something, walking back and forth at the waterline tormented. Then she turned and began to resolutely splash her way out into the breakers.

I immediately realized what she was planning, and I was mystified, "How can you kill yourself when you're already dead." But then again, I didn't have to be an "evolved" spirit to realize that it was a show-stopping no-no.

So, I said out loud, "Oh no you don't!!" dropped the cigar and ran up the beach to grab her.

She had gotten waist deep into the water when I caught her and spun her around. She tried to take my head off with a haymaker. I ducked, threw her over my shoulder, and began to wrestle her screaming and kicking back onto the beach. She was tiny, perhaps 100 pounds, and easy to carry. But the clawing and biting hurt. It was like wrangling a pissed off cat.

I manhandled her up onto the beach, dropped her flat on her back on the sand and pinned her arms and legs, trying to calm her down. She was in a frenzy of writhing and sobbing. She finally stopped, exhausted, and lay there panting, staring balefully up at me.

I said, attempting to sound reasonable, "What in the world were you trying to do? The people who run this place aren't going to appreciate you killing yourself... if that's even possible. You're already dead you know."

She looked at me with hate-filled eyes and said, "Okay, I'll fuck you." Then she got a sly look and added, "But not here, let's go up to my room." Where did THAT come from!!??

It didn't take a genius to figure out that she'd make a break the minute I let her up. So, I said, "Not gonna happen missy. You're not getting up until you tell me why you're so pissed off at the world."

She said conspiratorially, "I'll tell you a little secret," and made a gesture with her head to indicate I should move closer.

I really thought that she was going to whisper something to me. Okay! I know I'm not too bright!! I bent my head down to listen and she tried to bite my nose off. I pulled my face back to avoid her impromptu rhinoplasty, and the head butt that followed was right on target.

I reeled off of her holding my nose, tears in my eyes and gushing blood between my fingers. She jumped to her feet and ran off in the direction of the hotel lobby. I had one of those breast pocket hankies and I sat there in the sand, with my head back, stuffing it up my nostrils. I thought, "Who the hell IS this nutty bitch and what's made her so fucked-up crazy?" At least I'd kept her from killing herself.

*****

I finally got my nose to stop bleeding, but the pain was killing me. So I didn't sleep well. When, I saw the huge shiner on my bleary-eyed face, I thought, "Wonderful way to start off my first day in purgatory, or however they're branding it these days!!"

I showed-up at eight-sharp. Gabriel was at his customary table on the restaurant patio. I had put on my best tropical business attire light khaki coat over a gleaming white, open neck, Egyptian cotton shirt, $400 dollar jeans and spit-shined penny loafers.

Gabriel looked amused. He said laughing, "I see you met Adah. We appreciate you saving her last night. We really hate to intervene unless we absolutely have to." I'd suspected that they were watching.

I said, "All I know is that she broke my nose and gave me a black eye for saving her from herself."

Gabriel said absentmindedly, "Oh yes, that. Here, let me fix it." He extended his hand across the table and touched the bridge of my nose. The pain vanished instantly, and the black eye too.

Gabriel said matter-of-fact, "Most of our guests are like you... adulterers by choice. But once in a while we get somebody who doesn't fit the mold. Adah's one of those."

He sat there like a big sleek cat as he said, "Her reactions are understandable given her life's events. But she has to learn to differentiate between decent souls and the people she's had so much experience with. That's her particular challenge."

I wanted more details, but Gabriel wanted breakfast. So, he said casually, "The omelets are to die for. Four eggs and so fluffy they almost float off the plate." He turned to the ubiquitous waiter and said, "Two vegetable omelets, coffee and a couple of mimosas."

It was another classically gorgeous day in the tropics. The white sand beach was glowing in the bright sunlight and the blue of the sea contrasted with the green of the manicured shrubbery. The air was healthy and vibrant, and the heat hadn't arrived yet.

Gabriel turned to me and said. "I'm going to drop you off at the Hall of Truth. That is the place where we give you the perspective, you'll need to understand your most recent time on earth, vis-à-vis the flaw that you have to correct."

He added gently, "You will learn that people's motives are never what they seem. You will also understand the true context of your unfortunate actions."

I said, "Okay, how do I do that? It all seems kind-of cut-and-dried to me. Eve and I fell in love. But we were married to other people and her husband caught us."

Gabriel chuckled and said. "That is the purpose of the Hall of Truth. We are going to show you everything that transpired during and around your little affair. Maybe you'll be less certain about the decisions you made once you've seen that."

He stood abruptly and said, "Let's get you to your appointment."

I followed him through the lobby, onto a crushed stone walkway and over to one of the outbuildings at the resort. It looked and smelled like the kind of spa building that high-end places always have. You know what I'm talking about, aroma-therapy, massages, mani-pedis, electrolysis and such.

I nearly felt myself growing ovaries as we entered, since no real man would be caught dead pampering himself in a place like that. But then again -- I WAS dead. So, this was the spot where my penance began.

The woman at the reception desk was a stunning dark-haired beauty with the huge hypnotic eyes and boom-boom-ba-boom figure of the classic Latina stars like J-Lo, Salma, Penelope, and Sophia.

Gabriel said, "Please show our guest to his viewing room Ariel."

She gave us both a blinding smile and said, "Certainly Gabriel." Then she turned to me and said, "Please follow me." I knew that she was an evolved soul. But I still couldn't take my eyes off her magnificent booty as it twitched its way down the luxurious hallway to the room at the end.

Ariel opened the door to a small wood paneled room. It appeared to be a personal movie theater. There were two plush leather chairs aimed at a screen. If it had been a smelly locker room with cinder block walls, it would have been just like the place where we went over the game film.

Ariel sat in one chair. I sat in the other. It was super comfortable. She said, "You are about to see the events of your affair. All points of view will be represented. It's been edited to only show you the important elements. But at the end you will understand the underlying motivations and you will see the truth behind your actions. I will sit with you to answer any questions.

The movie that ensued would have rivaled any slasher flick for sheer horror. The plot was like a good Hitchcock movie. It starred Eve and me. Through it, I learned that the woman I assumed was a simple, earnest, and humble Ohio housewife was in reality an oversexed, highly manipulative world-class slut.

Eve was born gorgeous and by age twenty she had mastered the fine art of transforming the guys in her native city into clowns. That caused problems for her folks. So to straighten her out, they shipped her to America. That only served to up Eve's game.

As soon as she arrived, Eve had packs of men following her around like dogs. But her visa was expiring. So, she shuffled the deck and Rick came up as the likeliest meal ticket. His advantages? He was well established and terminally oblivious. In fact, throughout the twelve years of their marriage Rick never had a clue. He really DID think that he was the luckiest man in the world.

The problem with Eve was that she was in love with love and constantly horney. So, she was a ticking time-bomb when it came to infidelity. Romance was her oxygen and she had reached the point where she had to feel the thrill of a new conquest, or she was going to suffocate.

Why did she choose me? Well, first I was handy. But I was also oblivious. It never dawned on me that my animal magnetism wasn't what attracted Eve. She would have fallen in love with any swinging-dick who expressed interest. My utter cluelessness about her real motivations made me look like an idiot.

So no - ours wasn't a tragic love affair. We were just two selfish people happily exploiting each other.

Even more humiliating, half the town knew what we were doing. How did they know? The students cracked our clever little dead drop. I suppose it WAS a tad suspicious that I'd fiddle with an empty Altoids box and Eve would show up an hour later to do the same thing. But thanks to that little discovery, our affair had gone viral around school.