Splashdown Ch. 08

"Gary, he would call me a slut and I would agree. He had me call myself a slut: a pathetic little slut that was desperate for his cock. I would agree. I was a desperate little slut, but somehow, I changed it to I need him to cum in me. I thought it a victory that it wasn't tied to him personally. I know that's a shallow victory, but that's how low I was.

"Gary, there's probably a solid half hour of audio that could be made into a montage of my begging another man to cum deep inside me, saying that's what I so desperately needed. G-Gary I did, there is no parsing it, I needed sperm deposited deep in me - right in my womb if possible. I don't know if my need reveals latent desires of motherhood or what. I did cum hard, but I've cum a lot harder. It was humiliating, though I tried not to show it. You still have all your records with me, every single one. He set none, but I did cum on his, on him ... a lot."

Peg let her head hang and wept for a short while, letting me hold her, before she continued.

"There was only one session each time, and four sessions total. The first time was a slam bam affair. The second was protracted. Maybe an hour including his rest breaks. He had figured out what I was trying to do and the pattern behind it. they were both the first day, once in the morning and again in the evening. We didn't sleep together.

"The third time was the next day, he put me through the ringer, I have no idea how long we were at it. He would have me then back off, having me work myself into a frenzy, then take me again. Gary, I don't know how I didn't suck him, but I didn't. Like I said before, it's a victory of sorts, but I was also begging him to "cum deep in my cunt".

She stopped again to sob: the words burned her badly.

"I didn't think. I admit I didn't think of you, but I didn't think of me either. My entire universe was from where my legs joined my body, to my hip bones, that was all that existed. I wasn't even a whore; I was a pelvis in estrus. I didn't try in any way to give him pleasure. I needed to be inseminated. I wanted sperm for my eggs and was in a frenzy to get it. I debased myself, there is no escaping it.

"I understand if you never want to see me again. I understand if you want to beat me, but Gary," Peggy grabbed my arms as her eyes darted around as if looking for microphones or something, "beat me later when there will be no witnesses. Gary, I'm not sure I would fight you much, perhaps except autonomically, if you told me you were going to kill me.

"I-I feel like I owe you everything in the whole wide world and don't have two cents with which to pay you. There's nothing I would deny you and I'm scared I've twisted you so much that I no longer have any idea what you do need.

"I love you Gary, however I made you doubt it before launch. I don't see how my actions in Kazakhstan could make it better. I pray admitting everything to you, letting you know the scope of my betrayal, also the scope of my own self-betrayal, fall, and self-loathing is showing you I don't wish to harbor any secrets from you. I'm baring my neck and showing you my soft white underbelly, making myself completely vulnerable to you. I hope that will let you begin to have some trust in me again. I've pretty much given you the keys to all of me. I know what you must be thinking: "sure, after she got her rocket ride."

Peggy was strangely still, then shook and wept, thinking of the despicable play on words that would probably haunt her the rest of her life. As pleased as I was to see her admit and take responsibility for what happened, I hated the degree to which this wounded her. She was devastated.

"I know you can't love me anymore, Gary. You'll leave me and maybe I'll never see you again after today. But you have to know I love you: I always have. I heartbrokenly admit it was not enough, or I somehow compromised it enough to let all this happen, but I do love you. I-I was fighting as much for you up there as I was me, or NASA, or America. But I fell to earth.

"When we were back on land and I was cut off from all those things, I felt isolated. I felt alone and having only myself to fight for, I fell. I'm sorry you fell in love with me, Gary."

There was a strange sincerity to her words, one I was sure she had no conscious recognition of.

"You were always true, true blue, and I made you truly blue balled. I turned your pride in me into pain for you, just as I took your smart go-getter astronaut wife and turned her into a desperate cum-slut. I turned your love for me into an insult for you. I took your strong brave heart and broke it. Yeah Gary, if you wanted to kill me, if you would just whisper that I was yours, I wouldn't fight. No, I won't, I can't gather that much strength. I'm kind of an expert on that now."

I stayed there thinking as she trembled. I reached for her. She struggled to not look at me while taking no other defensive posture, welcoming my pulling her into my arms.

"Peg, thank you for filling in the blanks. In the absence of facts, we often fill in the worst we can think of.

"I don't know what happens in the future, and I'm not sure it's healthy to burden us, either one of us, with those thoughts now. Instead, let's just face today's challenges. If you look in my face you won't see a happy man, but you won't see disdain or hate, or any of what you fear most. If you see disappointment, it's for the situation as it seemed fated to happen. I tried to stave it off and failed. I'm guilty of failing you. I'm disappointed in what happened, in what you had to endure, in what you have to remember, and what you must live with, but not so much in you. I was earlier, before I had the facts, before I understood, but not now. I'm being honest." I pulled her in close to me.

"Gary, I'll never be able to give you credit due for your indefatigable defense of me. I do have one stipulation please. NEVER say that any of this was your fault or that you failed to protect me. When you warned I ignored. When you made a move to protect, I dodged. When you took action, I circumvented your every attempt. I pre-empted further actions with the injections. Then I practically ignored you.

"I don't know why you didn't pick up some little hottie and screw her in front of me right on top of my all-important study papers. I don't see any way clear that you can keep me. I don't see how you can look at me! You haven't taken me, but I don't see how you can touch me. It's not that I'm not incredulously thankful, it's just that I've earned the matrimonial death penalty many times over."

"Peggy, you don't have to die on that hill. Don't look at me today and worry with that decision, don't waste your strength on that problem. I'll hold you and try to protect you now, don't worry about tomorrow or yesterday. Just lose yourself in right now. Just think about my arms around you, that you are back in them, and we can make it all what we want it to be again.

"We're helping each other right now: we're here for each other right now. Peggy, there's no place I need to be more right now than here, and no place you need to be more right now than in my protecting arms. Give in to something good this time. Don't be on your guard against me, of all people, you're safe with me, save your energy to heal. Give into this Peggy and let me protect you. I want to protect you Peg, give that back to me: I need it Peg. Give me this and let me love you a little right now."

She grasped me with white knuckles burying her face in my chest. Curling up as best she could in my lap. Peg fought to answer while muffled in my chest. "Yes. Yes. Yes! I-I didn't think you would WANT to, not ever again. I-I thought I had ruined everything: ruined us. Maybe I have. But I never thought I would have even this much: being back in your arms, ever again. Y-Yes Gary, you are my protector. I'll do whatever you suggest. I'm all yours. I know you may not want the job forever. Thank you for letting me be yours again for right now."

She let go sobbing, actually howling as the pain, fear, self-loathing, and humiliation came rolling out of her while I soothed her. I rocked back and forth with her as she opened the gates. That she never could've let go like this if she didn't trust me, cut right to my wounds and soothed them as they bled. Love is a strange entity.

I'd done what I had sought to do for so long, through so many obstacles. I had my job back as her protector, my station in this world was restored. Now I had to face the question Peggy had put to me. Now that I had my job back, did I really want to keep it?

I decided to take my own advice: I didn't have to answer that one today.