Still You Want Me Ch. 09

"We don't want you thinking crazy things."

That definitely would be terrible. I know he's teasing me and it makes me smile, but insecurity is a tricky thing. It knows how to wedge itself into the exact spot you don't want it.

Colin produces my phone from under the blanket and hands it to me before curling up into a ball and resting his head on my shoulder.

"By the way, you're phone's been buzzing."

I smile when he tries hard to hide his curiosity as he watches me unlock my phone.

Jealous are we?

"How am I supposed to sneak around if you're spying on me?"

I tilt my phone away from him and continue.

"It's probably Grindr Guy, anyway. I'll meet with him later on."

"Funny."

He grabs my wrist, pulls my hand, so he can see my phone, and reads my text aloud.

Char Char. Won't be in Portland next weekend. Had to postpone the trip for a few weeks. Looking forward to meeting Colin. I'll keep you updated. xoxo Mommy Dearest.

He releases my hand and smiles.

"Grindr sure has changed a lot."

He looks at me with an evil grin and teasingly asks.

"When was the last time you were on Grindr, Char Char?"

"This isn't gonna be a 'thing'. You're not calling me Char Char."

I get off of the couch to refill my coffee and start water for Colin's tea.

"I'll call you whatever I want."

"Okay, but know this. I'll never pop a boner again if you're calling me Char Char. Too many connections to my parents. Not sexy at all."

Colin's whole demeanor changes.

"Okay, so Char Char is off of the table. It's been officially trashed."

He's zipping his lips and tossing the invisible key as he follows me into the kitchen where he sits down at the island across from me. I can't help but smile. He's so cute.

"But you didn't answer my question."

I look at him, confused, so he refreshes my memory.

"Grindr."

"Ah."

I have to think for a second because it's been a while. I don't have the Grindr app on my phone anymore, for obvious reasons.

"Our friendiversary was in October?"

He nods his head yes and smiles.

"Well, I guess a few weeks before that. Four months ago-ish?"

"Oh."

He doesn't sound happy and he's anxiously tapping his fingers on the surface of the butcher block.

"I thought you hadn't had sex since May or whatever?"

I confirm as I clean up some coffee I'd spilled.

"Correct."

"I'm confused. You haven't had sex, but you're still on Grindr?"

"Grindr isn't exclusively sex. I've definitely done other things since May."

Colin looks at me with surprise and a humorous smile stretches across my face.

"Colin, you didn't think I was completely celibate from May until we started fooling around, did you?"

"Yes, I definitely thought that. When someone says they're not having sex, it usually means everything. All things that are sexually related are mutually inclusive!"

"All things are sexually related, yes, but not all things are sex."

"Charlie, anything that's said or done to sexually arouse someone, whether they're a partner or yourself, is a sexual act. Fucking a butt with your cock is the ultimate of all sex acts. So blow jobs, hand jobs, passionate kissing, feeling, licking, fingering, and etc. are all sex!"

I laugh. He's certifiably nuts! He furrows his brows and with a stubborn huff says.

"Whatever."

I'm very surprised by the direction this innocent conversation is going so I turn to face him completely.

"Are you actually upset about this?"

"Yes! I mean, you've been going on and on about how you haven't had sex, but it's a total lie!"

I take a calming breath. I don't want to start a fight and Colin isn't his best self in the morning.

"Colin, there were several times, while you were with Jesse, when you talked about waiting for sex. Yet, you were raving about a killer blowjob you gave him. Same with you and me. According to you, we've been doing everything except sex. Those were your words specifically. So which is it? Because according to the definition you've been personally applying to yourself, last night is the first time I've had sex since May."

He looks at me for a minute before he sighs and his body relaxes.

"Fuck. Maybe, but it really sucks to know you were with other guys doing other shit."

"Yeah? Well, at least I didn't tell you all of the details."

He cringes.

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I loved you and I knew you already thought I was some rich douchebag that only cared about sex and money. Even as friends, I didn't want you to look down at me. Plus, I didn't do it often—three or four times is all! It was always a knee jerk reaction to something you said or did. I worried it'd be too obvious and you'd connect the dots."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Not only is it stupid, it's in the past where I'd like it to stay."

I smile as I'm hoping to drop this whole thing.

"Please, tell me?"

Ugh.

"Okay."

I sit down on a bar chair.

"I hooked up with Grindr Guy, his name is Eric—"

Colin covers his ears with his hands.

"La la la la! I don't need to know any details!"

Confused by his response, I ask.

"Isn't the whole point of this conversation because you want details? You can't keep cherry picking. It's all or nothing."

He reluctantly motions for me to continue.

"Okay, then. I'd call Eric for blowjobs and such when I needed to distance myself from you."

I think back to the most frustrating times during the first six months of our friendship.

"The first time was when you told me you were in love with Jesse. The second time was when you said you two were going to have sex. The third time was when you told me you were going to ask Jesse to move in with you. Oh, and the fourth time was after the Bend trip. Yes, four times."

"Okay, so you've only messed around with him four times, but never had sex."

He reiterates the information to himself and I shake my head.

"No. I messed around with Eric three times and we had sex a couple of times. I found a different guy, in Bend, after you and Jesse left the lake house."

Colin's face is turning red and he shouts.

"I thought you weren't having sex!"

"Oh, my god! Stop yelling at me! Eric is Grindr Guy. I had sex with Grindr Guy! You know that! The night you bought your car...remember? Twice before that night and a couple more before I stopped having sex. In fact, he was the last person I had sex with. He was still okay with fooling around, so I called him when needed."

I'm frustrated because he's getting upset about this. At the time, we were only friends and he had a boyfriend!

"I understand this conversation isn't awesome, but you don't have the right to be upset with me. Yes, my past sucks, compared to yours, but I've reformed myself. I'd say only four sexual encounters over an eight month period is fucking amazing. To take it one step further, since I've met you, I've only been with three guys...including you! I'm proud of that so please stop looking at me as if I still only care about superficial things. You don't get to judge the Charles you didn't know!"

As we look at each other for a moment, our eyes are locked and his are as hard as stone. I'm not wrong and I'm not out of line. I won't back down from this. Suddenly, all of the anger leaves his body and he says.

"Dammit, you're right. You're always fucking right!"

He walks toward me and stands between my legs. His eyes are no longer hard with anger, but soft with morning sleep and framed by his glasses.

"I feel as though I'm always apologizing to you. Honest to God, I was never this stupid with Jesse. I don't know why, but you terrify me."

This concept takes me by surprise as he wraps his arms around my waist and rests his head on my chest.

"You're terrified of me? I can't imagine why?"

"Yes. Terrified. I don't know why, either. You constantly affirm me and, yet, I'm always scared I'm not good enough for you. I do know it makes me do and say stupid shit. I was insecure with Jesse, but nothing compared to how I feel with you. Fuck, I'm such a cry baby!"

He laughs and gently pounds his head against my chest.

"Yeah, yeah. I love you, too."

He looks at me, rolls his eyes, and tries to walk away, but I pull his arm toward me as I bend forward and propel Colin over my shoulder.

"You're not getting away that easy!"

"What the fuck are you doing?"

He swats my butt as I start carrying him to the bedroom.

"I'm going to give you something to cry about."

"Fuck!"

"Precisely!"

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