Stormwatch - A Rest for the Heart

"So... when did you two get married?" asked a nervous Cindy/Audrey.

"Well, not yet, but we decided last night to get married legally as soon as we can so in case something happens there will be no questions when it comes to ownership of the house or the cabin or any other property, then we'll have a nice ceremony in the woods later in the late summer, early fall," said Josh. "Did the uh... protection move you down here?"

"No, we were in Kansas," Audrey said quietly, "dad was driving me crazy, so were the cops so I quit witness protection, they moved mom and dad somewhere else."

Veronica sat on the coffee table and held Audrey's hands. "How did you get here?"

"Anthony," she said sadly. "He felt so bad about what happened and how I got involved, he reached out to me and told me to keep my new identity, then sent me here, and he told me to hang on for a month or two and he'd send someone here to talk to me."

"That son of a bitch," chuckled Josh. "Well, I guess that's us." He showed his phone to Audrey and Veronica, it was a text message he got from Anthony

<kbd> Do me a favor, go to Jax Cigars, have a cigar and talk to Cindy for me. It's important, thanks. </kbd>

"I am looking for someone to help me plan the wedding," said Veronica, "and a governess for when children come along and maybe help with dad." She looked back over her shoulder at Josh, she wanted to ask him if her dad could live with them this summer.

"Ummm what if she doesn't know much about children?" asked Audrey nervously.

"Well..." said Josh as he looked at Veronica. Veronica had that pleading look in her eye she gets whenever she's in an ice cream store and she wants Josh to buy a cone. (He eats most of the cone, but he gets a flavor she likes so she can get an occasional lick.) "Our neighbors have three kids, and their nanny could use some help, a governess could learn a lot helping Ye-jin out."

"I might be available," said Cindy/Audrey excitedly.

~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~

Life at the von Köster/Gravely house is going to be a bit different this summer. Sex anywhere in the house still occurred, but that will come to a halt in a few weeks when Audrey arrives. They'll have to wait until their governess has retired to the in-law suite in the back, and Josh couldn't prove it, but he was sure that Veronica was planning on giving Cindy/Audrey pool lessons.

Josh and Veronica returned to the cold, rainy north and spent Saturday night in front of a fire, Sunday was spent going through mail and telling Paul and Andi Jarecki all about their adventures until Veronica excused herself and crawled into bed for an afternoon nap.

As Macy said it would happen, the phone rang right on schedule. "Hello, Mr. Gravely? I'm Helen Lennox, Macy Jarecki asked me to speak with you, do you have a minute? I want to see if there is something that I can do to help."

Josh looked out the front window at the gray landscape, the snowman that he and Veronica made a few months ago was now a bent, sooty obelisk, the lawn was starting to show through. The two mountains of snow they built after the blizzard that brought them together were now small waist high mounds covered with soot, and just beyond the street had streams on each side, the streams were rushing with melting snow run-off, and he wondered what the creek that fills his pond at the cabin looked like.

He walked to the sunroom as he said to Dr. Lennox, "Yes, by all means. I truly believe that we need to have a conversation." He sat down in the sunroom, the warm honey color of the natural southern yellow pine paneling lightened his mood, but to be honest what he desired most was to slide into bed with Veronica and take a nap.

"Macy told me that you believed that you were dealing with PTSD, can you tell me why you believe that?"

"Well doc, right now my life is a dream. I'm living in a dream that I never could have imagined... I grew up dirt poor, the late in life son of a pair of alcoholic paper mill workers. Now I'm engaged to a former fashion model, she once was Miss Ohio and is now a successful business executive. We have money, a house, and a cabin on fifty acres, we have a Lincoln and a new Jeep in the driveway. She's the woman of my dreams and we love each other dearly, and... I..." Josh took a deep breath and blurted out the thing that terrified him the most, "I don't know if any of this is real."

"Why don't you think it's real?" Helen asked.

Josh took a deep breath and said, "Several years ago I was on a classified mission leading a weapons team abord an AC-130 gunship, do you know what that is?"

"I can't say that I do; can you fill me in Mr. Gravely?"

"It's a cargo aircraft with a machine gun and a canon pointing out the side, a tail spitting out glide bombs and wing pylons firing Hellfire missiles. It was our job to load and maintain the guns in flight, I was the leader of the weapons team."

"I see, go on."

"Ok, on a flight over enemy held territory we were shooting down at the bad guys, and the bad guys were shooting back up at us and they shot us up pretty bad. They knocked out our guns, killed a kid that worked for me... he was my friend... they blew a big hole in the side of the plane and another good friend and subordinate got sucked out the hole..." Josh squeezed his eyes closed and paused to let the wave of sorrow pass. "...everybody was injured but me. I was ok." The horror of the dark shot up airplane was coming back. Thanks lady.

"I can see where that could..." started Helen, the was starting to think "survivors' guilt" but Josh interrupted her with the rest of the story.

"Ellie, she went out the hole... but she was on a safety strap, and I went to pull her back into the plane, but my boots were covered with blood, and I slipped and fell out the hole."

"You fell out of a flying airplane?" The doctor was good, she didn't overtly sound panicky, but there was a tinge of concern in her voice.

"Yes ma'am. I think another crew member caught me and pulled me back in then we pulled my friend in. I patched up my injured team members... I put a tourniquet on Ellie's leg but she lost the leg... I didn't get strapped in and when we landed, it was a rough landing, I bounced off the guns breaking bones and puncturin' my body just about everywhere. When we came to a stop I was laying on my dead friends body."

"And how would you rate your health now?" asked Lennox.

"Physically ok I guess... my back is messed up and my knee was trashed so I can't run or do any really heavy lifting, my only complaint is the confusion." Now he started to panic

"What confusion is that?" Now she sounded concerned.

"It's too perfect... I got a chest full of ribbons, a job I can't wait to start every morning, I have a stretch of land that I love, a cabin that is perfect, and a woman that loves me unconditionally. She's a beauty queen, she's so pretty that I weep with joy every time she smiles at me..."

"Go on," Helen said softly.

"I think maybe I broke my neck and if I open my eyes, I'll see that I'm still laying on Craig's body... or maybe Hailstorm didn't pull me back in, maybe hauling me back in is all a dream and I lost my grip on Ellie's safety line and I'm falling... going to hit the ground at any moment..."

Helen furiously scribbled notes on her pad, if she didn't, she'd be as close to weeping as Josh was. "Do you ever feel like harming yourself?"

Josh took a deep, shaking breath and continued. He suddenly felt an urge to dump it on her; he felt the confusion and sorrow welling up. "Sometimes it's all too much, I didn't earn any of this... I don't deserve so much love... sometimes I think that I need to end this before I hurt Nica... or before I hit the ground..."

<hr>

In 2021, a study found that 30,177 active-duty personnel and veterans who served in the military after 9/11 had died by suicide - compared to the 7,057 service members killed in combat in those same 20 years.

Suicide rates are especially high among older veterans. According to the VA, in 2016, 58% of all veterans that committed suicide were aged 55 years or older. These men and women who volunteered to fight for your security and freedom are committing suicide at such rates that the VA is completely befuddled and unable to handle the task and is offering a $3 million prize to whomever can come up with a solution to the problem.

If you have a veteran in your life who is at risk, or if you are a veteran and are overwhelmed, please call the Veterans Crisis Line 1-800-273-8255

For help for homeless Veterans please call 1-877-424-3838

For Women's veterans issues please call 1-855-VA-WOMEN

If you are a care giver for a veteran and you need help or maybe just some encouragement, please call the VA's care giver support line at 1-855-260-3274