All Comments on 'Summer Holidays'

more of this story please

Should write a follow up where sis can’t stop thinking about that night and ends up sleeping with her brother, and her friend walks in and joins them

Text could use some polish but for a first submission it's not bad. It feels miscategorized, though: there's no clear romantic connection between the siblings, and almost all the MC's actual sex is with Lizzie. The handjob's -technically- incest, but it's not a foreground theme.

All dreams come true I loved it

Not very good.

OMG.. your story certainly made my cock feel hard and edging

Anytime an "Anonymous" person comments negatively on a post should tell you that person isn't a member, or a writer, or even someone that warrants an opinion anyway.

Your story was charming, but the truth or dare aspect is getting a little old. Perhaps another party game...twister, spin the bottle, Wisconsin Sleeper... but you did fine, above fine actually, for a first erotic story. You have promise. Keep writing!

The word "you" was just too much. switch persons and drop the "you" we know it was Jay telling the story

2nd person POV sucks - just search online to see why it is avoided by many writers. And pick a tense, past or present, and stick with it. These faults make it a poor read, but can be easily fixed.

Judas Priest, learn to write in the proper tenses and person. I'm tolerant of spelling and some grammatical errors, but the awkwardness of the writing had me stop reading partway into the second page. The constant use of "you" did this or that is not how to tell a story. It is very off putting and destroys the narrative. The plot is not bad, the action fairly decent, but the story needs a rewrite. Write the story in the first person, and take a look at other stories to see how dialog is handled.

You should definitely do a part 2.

The second person narrative is awkward and detracts from what is an excellent concept. The charaterizations are intimate enough to do it in the first person.

That was really hot.

You. You. You. No.

Back and forth from 'you' to 'Jay' was pretty bad. Otherwise... Epilog: 9 months later....

Good story but really hard to read.

I thought "YOU" did a good job. (pun intended) loved the characters even though we did not know much about them, like age ,looks size. I definitely would not only read a second chapter but look forward to reading more of your work.