Summer of Loss

I sighed. That was information I did not need to know. I waited for Amanda to return.

"Alright, I'm all snuggled up now. Lay it on me, teacher."

I took a deep breath.

"Alright, well, the scale doesn't measure how much fat you have, it only measures how much you weigh."

"What's the diff?"

"You're made up of more than just fat. You also have muscles and bones and a bunch of other stuff. And water. About sixty percent of your body is water. Your body uses water for almost everything you do. Like repairing muscle. When we exercised yesterday, you probably used a whole bunch of new muscles and now they need a lot of water to repair themselves. When I lifted weights the first time, I gained almost four pounds."

"So you're saying I shouldn't run to lose weight?"

"No, you'll lose the water again after a couple of days. You need to weigh yourself every day for a week and then average the results. After two weeks, you'll find out how much fat you lost."

"Two weeks?" Amanda shouted. "That's forever."

"Yup. Losing weight takes a lot of energy and patience."

"Where did you get the damn motivation to do all that?"

I gulped, remembering exactly how. To touch boobs.

"I don't remember," I said after a short pause.

"Liar," Amanda snorted. "But you don't have to tell me if it has to do with that bitch."

"Okay, well then, you better start logging everything you eat."

"That sounds like more work."

"Yup. And there's math involved. One pound of human fat is about thirty-five hundred calories. To lose one pound, you have to eat thirty-five-hundred fewer calories than you spend."

"Makes sense so far."

"And that's it, really. You need to write down all the calories of what you eat so that you can figure out what kind of deficit you want to eat at."

"How do I know how many calories I'm using?"

"That's a lot harder. I have a spreadsheet where I put in all my data and it does the math for me."

"Nerd."

"I'll send you a link."

"Thanks. And you really did all that every single day?"

"Yup."

"Respect. All that hard work really paid off."

"Thanks."

"You wanna go running again today?"

"Sure, if you're not too sore."

"Five?"

"Sure."

After we hung up, I looked down and my suspicions were confirmed. Alexis had conveyed a lot of the same information during our cuddle and makeout sessions. Or better. Now I was hard.

Great. Horny from talking about calories with my sister. But what was set in motion couldn't be helped. I unbuttoned my jeans and began to work.

***

It was great to get back into a routine, even if there was a lot less bedroom action involved. Three days of the week, Amanda and I went walking with the dogs for about an hour. I attended all my classes and fortunately managed to avoid running into Alexis. Twice a week, Amanda and I went jogging and it was getting easier every time.

I even had the motivation to go to the gym. Somehow, I didn't manage to lose my all-time-high of two-forty on the bench. And, on account of my newly rekindled enthusiasm, I lost all the breakup weight and more.

Whereas I was on cloud nine, Amanda was dour. I opened the door and my deeply scowling sister stood there in her running outfit.

"I only lost half a pound," she said accusatorily.

Today was the official two-week mark.

"Nice. Good job."

"I was hoping for more."

"Sounds like you need to eat less."

"Shut up."

"Less junk food, no alcohol."

"Okay, maybe half a pound is okay," Amanda relented. "Let's run."

And run we did. Alternating between a slow jog and a fairly rapid sprint, Amanda kept pulling ahead of me. She was clearly upset about her results but I didn't mind the faster pace. It felt like the old times again, with Alexis, when I was constantly pushing myself.

Both of us were sweating our asses off. We stopped to drink but were too winded to talk. Amanda flashed a bright smile at me.

The weather was perfect. Warm but with a light breeze. Blue sky for miles. The fields around us were sprouting green leafage. I wished I had my phone with me to take a picture. Summer was here.

When Alexis and I started on my journey last fall, the temperatures were already getting frosty in the morning. She always talked about how wonderful it would be to finally be able to run under the blazing sun wearing only a few scraps of clothes. The wind blowing against your naked skin, carrying away sweat.

Now I'm finally doing what I looked forward to all winter, only without Alexis. Even if she was a cheating whore, she was right about one thing. Running in a warm but not quite stifling breeze was incredible.

It was like I was in a trance. My body worked too hard for me to think about anything at all. One foot in front of the other. The thud of every step reverberating in my body. Amanda's ponytail, whipping back and forth.

I was happy. For the first time in a long time, I was truly happy.

Laughing, Amanda slowed down, twirled around in a circle with her arms in the air, and laid down on the grass, arms and legs outstretched. Her chest rose and fell with deep breaths. I flopped down next to her, looking up at the bright blue sky. The sun bore down on us, like being wrapped in nature's warm blanket.

Without thinking about what I was doing, I leaned over and kissed her. Her lips were so soft and her mouth parted slightly. It was magical. My heart beat a million times a second.

Until I felt a hand on my chest and realized I was kissing my sister.

I sat up in an instant and looked at Amanda, horrified. Her nose was scrunched up and she looked at me with an odd expression. Disbelief? Disgust? Anger? Her mouth fell open with an unspoken question.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry," I blurted out.

My lips still tingled. My heart was beating even faster. I just fucked up hard.

"What the hell was that?" Amanda asked, more in shock than anything else.

"I'm sorry," I muttered again.

"You said that already."

"It was just... just like how it should have been. With me and Alexis, I mean. We used to come out here a lot but it was always cold. She used to talk about how wonderful it would be once it was summer and we could run in the warm sun and just run until we're exhausted and lie in the grass and kiss and.... it felt just like that right for a moment and I... forgot."

"I see," Amanda said curtly.

I let myself drop back down on the grass and stared at the sky. A single cloud in the shape of a snake slithered past.

"I'm sorry."

"You don't need to keep apologizing. I get it. Caught up in the moment and everything. It happens, you didn't mean to do it."

"Right."

She was taking it a lot better than I expected. Probably just as mortified as I was.

"It was a pretty good kiss. Just, you know, a little weird."

"I don't know what to say to that."

"At least now I know why you were so motivated. My whole body is just... I bet you two doinked like bunnies after you ran."

"Not exactly."

"Will you please fucking tell me how she got you to lose weight, then?"

"It's embarrassing."

"Well, after what just happened, I'd say you owe me."

I sighed.

"She wasn't really into me at first, I think we just started dating out of convenience. Never really made it past first base until she told me one day that she'd let me play with her boobs if I lost five pounds."

Amanda began to giggle. The giggling soon turned into full-on laughter. Deep, belly-rumbling, tear-flowing laughter. I started laughing, too. It seemed so stupid after I said out loud.

"Fuck," I said after what felt like an hour. "I think I just realized that she was never actually into me."

"My condolences."

"I was in love with her and to her, it was just entertainment."

"Probably not entirely, I mean, you two did seem like a great couple and you always made her laugh. I don't think she's that good of an actress to have faked that. And it sounds like you two had a pretty good sex life."

"Well... about that..."

"Oh, no," Amanda guffawed. "Please tell me you didn't work that hard and never actually -- "

"Everything but," I sighed. "I was twenty-eight pounds short."

Amanda burst into laughter again. That time, I didn't join in. I folded my hands behind my head and sighed.

What a weird day it was.

***

The kiss, it seemed, had been completely forgotten. Amanda never mentioned it and she showed up with Frank and the gang the next day as if nothing happened. That was good.

What was also good was the two of us getting into a good rhythm. Exercise, hanging out, and watching TV. I think I spent more time with my sister over the last few weeks than I did in a year of living under the same roof.

It was really nice not to be alone and I really looked forward to the sound of my doorbell. Whenever she wasn't around, I wondered what she was doing. We texted a lot during the day, talking about everything and nothing. Schoolwork, movies, selfies with the dogs.

I pulled into the parking lot of the shelter and Amanda already waited with Frank and the gang. She broke out into a wide grin.

"It worked!" she shouted with enthusiasm over the chorus of barks.

"What did?"

"I lost a whole pound!"

"Nice, good job."

"What about you?"

"Almost two," I replied, taking over Frank and Spot.

"What? Really? Are you doing secret exercise I don't know about?"

"No, I just weigh a lot more than you. Hence I lose more weight than you."

"How does that work?

"The more you weigh, the more calories you spend in a day. A lot more, actually. Plus I'm a guy, that gets me a bonus."

"That's not fair."

"Percentage-wise you might be losing more than me."

Amanda harrumphed loudly to show what she thought of that idea.

"So is running the best way to get rid of my tummy?" she asked.

"Any exercise works, really. You can't target a specific area to lose fat from, that's mostly up to genetics and your body. If you lose fat overall, you'll also lose tummy fat. You can, however, exercise muscles in your stomach and it'll help shape it."

"Like what?"

"Situps, crunches."

"That's no fun."

Our destination was the dog park, a ten-minute walk from the shelter. The dogs knew the path well and were pulling harder the closer we got. Roughly two acres of dog paradise.

We unleashed them as soon as we locked the gate behind ourselves and strolled over to a free bench. Apart from us, there were about five other people and six dogs. Most of them were regulars but it still caused a lot of butt-sniffing -- the dogs, not us.

The weather was alright. Clouds covered the sun and it was cooler than it should have been.

"Brr, it's cold," Amanda exclaimed, rubbing her arms, despite wearing an oversized sweatshirt.

"I like it," I said.

"Showoff," she muttered and scooted closer on the bench, leaning into me. "That's better. You're warm."

"One of my many fine qualities."

Amanda scoffed.

"I still haven't really seen any changes in the mirror."

"That takes a while. The scale doesn't lie. Keep it up long enough and it will happen."

"But it takes so long..."

"I know, the waiting is the hardest part."

"I'm glad I don't have to do it alone," she said, smiling at me.

"Me too."

Something cool and soft bumped into the back of my hand. At first, I thought it was one of the dogs appearing from behind but when I looked down, I saw it was Amanda's hand. She grabbed mine and intertwined our fingers.

"Nice and warm," she purred.

Of course, she was cold. That's why she did it. My body felt like it was on fire. She probably didn't even consider what an intimate gesture it was. Or she did and thought it was no big deal because we were brother and sister.

But it hit me just at that moment. Being around Amanda for the past two weeks felt like having a girlfriend again. And now we sat on a park bench, holding hands. I took a deep breath and tried to relax.

"I think I could do this forever," Amanda said.

"What?"

"You know, all of this," she said, squeezing my hand. "Working at the shelter. Going to vet school. Exercising. Hanging out with you. It's just all so... balanced. I sleep well at night. I feel good about what I eat. I feel happy. Stable."

"I know what you mean. I feel the same."

"That's good," she said and leaned her head on my shoulder.

It was anything but good! It was thoroughly confusing. Did she know the effect she apparently had on me? How could she? I hadn't even realized until a few minutes ago.

No, I was just being stupid. Amanda was my sister, not my girlfriend. I was just imagining things because I still missed Alexis. We were just watching the dogs frolicking around.

Life would have been easier as a dog. I sighed.

"What's wrong?" Amanda asked.

"Nothing," I said. "Just that life would be so much easier as a dog."

Amanda giggled. "It's not too late to get you neutered."

"Maybe that wouldn't be so bad," I sighed.

"You're in a weird mood today."

"I know."

"Wanna make it weirder?"

"What?"

Suddenly, Amanda's face was right in front of me. She darted in and placed a quick peck on my lips that barely lasted a heartbeat. I looked at her in confusion. She went back in, slower and more deliberate, tilting her head.

Unlike her hand, her lips were warm. She dragged them gently across mine. I tasted coconut or maybe strawberry. Reflexively, I opened up. Her tongue flicked across the threshold. I've never felt lips so nimble before, so tantalizing.

And then it was over. Amanda pulled away, leaving me gasping for breath. She looked at me and smirked.

"What?" I stammered.

"Now we're even," she said matter-of-factly.

"Even?" I asked. My brain wasn't quite working right.

"Yes. You kissed me. Now I kissed you. We're even and you don't have to be all awkward anymore."

I just sat there, dumbfounded. My kiss had been an accident. Hers was deliberate. And amazing. A real kiss.

"We better get the pack leashed up before Frank gets too tired and you have to carry him home," Amanda said abruptly, let go of my hand, and stood up.

Still dazed, I watched her expertly round up the dogs one by one and put a leash on them. The process involved a lot of stern commands and some light chasing, but ten minutes later she had managed it.

"We're good, right?" she asked, looking at me with concern.

"Yeah," I lied and summoned the energy to stand up.

Why did she act like nothing was wrong? It wasn't possible to kiss anyone like that and not feel something, let alone your own brother. Yet there she was, just strolling along as if nothing was amiss.

Did I have a stroke? Was I going insane?

"Why'd you kiss me?" I asked with the shelter already in sight.

Amanda stopped and looked at me. "I thought that was obvious."

"I don't understand."

"Now you don't have to feel bad about accidentally kissing me anymore. We're even."

I still didn't understand but she said it in a tone of voice that implied only an idiot wouldn't understand. I didn't want her to think I was an idiot.

"We're still on for our run tomorrow, right?" she asked.

"I guess so, yeah."

"Good. Now everything can go back to normal."

***

The last few days were anything but normal. We met up like usual, but we just went for a run in complete silence. No jokes or talking about movies, barely even hello or goodbye. The weather was getting hotter by the day but both of us dressed in big t-shirts and too-long shorts, returning completely drenched.

But it was for the better, right? We were going back to a normal brother and sister relationship. Siblings didn't cuddle on the couch while watching shows or hold hands in the park. It was exactly what I wanted,

Yet it hurt.

It was a Friday evening and I was all alone. Amanda was out at a friend's birthday party, so I couldn't even talk to her if I thought it was a good idea. What was I supposed to do?

I downloaded Tinder, knowing full well it was a bad idea.

Three hours later, shortly before midnight, I still hadn't swiped right on anyone. Sure, there were more than a few pretty faces among the bunch but I just didn't care.

The doorbell rang and I jumped in surprise. Who the hell would show up unannounced that late at night?

I pressed the button for the intercom and heard giggling. A familiar giggle and a less familiar one.

"Lets us in, Shaun," my sister demanded with a heavily slurred voice.

"Yeah, Shaun, let us in!"

The unknown companion turned out to be Olivia, a good friend of Amanda's. Both of them were dressed in cocktail dresses and made up for a night out on town. The party, I remembered. Maggie's twenty-first. Undoubtedly plenty of booze.

"Our driver was a rude jerk and didn't want to drive us home," Amanda whined. "Can we crash here tonight?"

"Pleeease," Olivia added.

"Fine," I sighed, though secretly I was glad I wasn't alone.

"I knew it, you're the best," Amanda beamed at me.

Olivia was a year older than Amanda and quite pretty -- okay, that was an understatement, she was damn hot. Sultry green eyes, lavish brows, and a killer rack. Definitely one of the prettiest women I've seen in real life.

Particularly now that she stood in my apartment, looking at me intensely.

"I remember when you used to be a lot chubbier," she said and bit her lower lip, not hiding the fact that she was checking me out.

That was unexpected. She'd never given me a second glance before.

Amanda returned with two glasses of water, handing one to Olivia, who was intensely staring at my chest area.

"Good party?" I asked.

"Yeah, pretty damn good," Amanda said and nudged Olivia in the side. "Here, drink."

"How tired are you? I'll go prep the couch."

"Thanks," Amanda said and yawned as if on command.

"I'm not tired at all," Olivia piped up. "You got any more booze?"

"Nope."

"That's okay, I know of another way we can keep ourselves entertained," she said without missing a beat and took a step toward me.

"Bathroom, now," Amanda barked and grabbed Olivia by the back of the dress to physically drag her away.

Well, definitely more interesting than Tinder, I supposed. I wasn't sure what to make of it quite yet.

While the two of them were in the bathroom, I got the spare sheets and blanket from the bedroom. There was a lot of giggling coming from the bathroom and some banging noises. Hopefully, nothing that couldn't be easily replaced.

The couch would be a tight fit for two people but both of them were fairly small. I turned around to wait for them to leave the bathroom only to discover the door was open. I investigated to find it was empty.

I found them in my bedroom, cuddled up in my bed. Olivia was already asleep, lightly snoring. Amanda looked up at me and I saw a content smile by the faint light from the living room.

"It smells nice," she mumbled and buried her face in my pillow.

Sighing, I closed the door and made myself comfortable on the couch. It was perfectly comfortable for a single person. Even though I had just been ousted from my own bed, I felt happy. Amanda had that effect on me.

***

Something was wrong but I wasn't sure what. Cool air brushed against my side. The weight of the blanket was missing.

My eyes flew open and by the moon's silvery light, I saw a woman stand next to the couch. She was almost naked, wearing only elegant, dark panties and a matching bra. Her boobs were too big and her hair too long to be Amanda.

Suddenly I was wide awake and aware of Olivia's smooth leg slipping in next to mine.

"What are you doing?" I snapped.

"Shhh," Olivia hushed me. "Let's have a little fun," she added, slurring her words.

"You're drunk."

"And you're cute," she giggled, sitting down on the couch.

"No," I said firmly.

"Oh, yes, very cute," she purred and put a hand on my stomach, sliding it further down.

I jumped off the couch and grabbed her by the upper arm, perhaps a little harder than necessary. I was not in a good mood.