Summer of Loss

"What happened?"

"Well, I didn't have time to change, obviously, so I had to do the walk of shame into the shelter. Everyone noticed, of course. Lots of friendly jabs. Fortunately, I got a change of clothes in the locker."

"That sucks."

"It gets worse. Turns out the dogs were all really interested in the exciting new smell, so I had the whole pack following me around trying to sniff constantly."

"Oh no."

"I tried my best to manage it without attracting too much attention but eventually Pam pulled me aside and told me it was disruptive. I should either go home or take a shower."

"What'd you do?"

"I showered in the dog grooming room, much to the amusement of everyone else."

"Did it work?"

"Yup, but now I have a new nickname."

"That can't be good."

"I'm Dognip now."

I chuckled. She rolled her eyes.

"Sorry," I apologized. "How much of that was my fault? Maybe they could smell my stuff."

"I don't know. I've never gone to work post-coitus before."

"That reminds me, should we be having sex without a condom?"

"I'm on the pill and STD free. And I'm pretty sure you're STD free, virgin."

"I see. That's good to know."

"In other words, feel free to blow your load in me as much as you want."

I wrinkled my nose. "That sounds so dirty when you say it."

"Bad dirty or good dirty?"

"Hmm, I don't know yet."

"How was your day?"

"My morning was indescribably amazing, and so is my afternoon. Everything between that was really boring. I couldn't concentrate on anything the lecturer said."

"Have you thought about what we're going to do now?"

"More sex?" I asked, grinning.

"No," she laughed, "well, yes, but I meant what's going to happen with us in the future?"

"I wish you weren't my sister."

Tears welled up in her eyes. "It makes everything harder, doesn't it?"

"It does," I said, brushing away a tear on her cheek. "But I don't think we can go back now."

"Seems impossible."

"You make me happy. I want to be around you, always."

"I feel the same."

"I think I love you."

"I know that I love you."

"Then we'll make it work."

Amanda nodded.

"It's a good thing you have your own apartment. Imagine trying to sneak around at home."

"Have you thought about what's gonna happen if someone found out?"

"Loads."

"And?"

"It would suck. You?"

"Yeah, it would suck. But I still want to do it."

"My secret boyfriend," Amanda said and smiled.

The smile faded quickly. It was a depressing topic of conversation and we both knew it. The lustful mood was gone for the moment and without saying a word, we both got up, putting on only underwear. Amanda went to the bathroom and I headed for the kitchen.

Two minutes later, Amanda emerged wearing the shirt I just took off.

"I have clean shirts, you know."

"I know but I like the way this one smells."

"I hear it's real dognip," I quipped.

"Did you just call me a bitch?" she asked and stuck out her tongue.

"You know what would be good right now?"

"Pizza?"

"I was thinking of a good, hard run. To be honest, I'm afraid I might explode with all these feelings inside me. A run will calm me down."

Amanda groaned.

"Don't tell me that now you successfully seduced me, you want to give up exercise?"

"Excuse me, who kissed who first?"

"I'm going on a run with or without you."

"Fiiiine," Amanda sighed. "But I have to go home and get a change of clothes first."

***

My feet hurt, my knees ached, and my thighs still tingled but at last, I felt calmer. We ran hard and even during our breaks we were too winded to talk. Nothing but our feet on the ground, the fading sun on our backs, and wind rushing through our hair.

Calmness and happiness.

And now we sat on the couch in front of the TV with a pepperoni pizza in front of us, huddled up in a warm blanket. Post shower, of course. There were limits to how good we smelled to each other.

"This," Amanda said, chewing on pizza, "this is perfect."

I had my arm around her and she was halfway on my lap. I had no idea how she was comfortable but she made no indication to move.

"A perfect day," I agreed.

"Hard to believe it's only been a day."

"I know. Is every day going to be like this?"

"I doubt it. Maybe for a few weeks, then it will slowly fade. Then we'll be used to each other and it will feel normal. In a few months, we'll have less sex. Maybe by the end of the year we'll resent each other."

"That got dark fast."

"Sorry. That's just been my relationship experience so far."

"This is different. I think you're wrong."

"I hope so."

"We're brother and sister, it's going to either be amazing or it's going down in spectacular flames. I don't think there will be a middle ground. No slow growing apart."

"I don't want to talk about this again."

I kissed Amanda on top of her head and reached for another slice of pizza. She wiggled closer as if she were afraid I might suddenly disappear. I pulled her closer and held her tight.

The detective serial provided enough distraction. We watched and we ate and we just held each other silently.

The third episode ended. The pizza was long gone. It was after midnight. Amanda yawned and stretched her arms, It was the first movement in a solid hour.

"It's already pretty late, I commented. You could sleep here tonight if you want. If that's not too soon."

Amanda grinned impishly at me. "I already packed my toothbrush and jammies."

I laughed.

"Same bed?"

"Same bed."

It was odd to suddenly share my bed with another person again. Amanda wasn't that much bigger than Alexis but she wanted to cuddle up a lot closer. I happily played the part of the big spoon, even if it meant having her hair in my face. A minuscule price to pay. She rested her head on my left arm and I held her tight with my right.

What a day.

***

Something was wet that shouldn't have been wet. At first, I thought that I had drooled so much in my sleep that it covered my entire cheek but after a split second, I realized it wasn't my fault. There were lips, kissing me. Soft, gentle lips.

"Mmmm," I sighed.

"Good morning," Amanda whispered.

"That's an... interesting way to wake up."

"You don't like it?"

"I don't know, it was unexpected. I thought I drooled myself."

"You did but don't worry, I cleaned it up first."

"Thanks. And good morning."

"Honestly, I was hoping for a better reaction."

"Sorry. It really was just unexpected, the kiss was nice."

"Good thing I didn't go for the blowjob then."

"You do that?" I blurted out.

Amanda rolled her eyes, smirked, and dove under the blanket. A second later, I felt the same wonderful lips place a kiss on my rapidly hardening shaft. A wet tongue on my tip.

The answer was yes, she did do that. She did it very well. Exceptionally well. She fit half of my cock inside her mouth, more than Alexis ever managed. And she seemed to be having a lot more fun.

If only it lasted longer. Embarrassingly fast, I came. Amanda seemed unperturbed by that, effortlessly swallowing it all.

She re-emerged, red-faced and grinning. She licked her lips.

"Now that's a way to wake up," I marveled.

"I slept so well tonight," she said, lying back down, face to face.

"Me, too."

"You're nice and warm."

"You're nice and soft."

"Maybe I should stop exercising then so I stay nice and soft."

"Not a chance."

"So you'll still like me when I'm all ripped and muscley and taut?"

"Sure," I laughed, "but that's going to take a very, very long time and a lot of very hard work. You don't accidentally build muscle."

"Oh," Amanda said, sounding disappointed. "I'd like to get stronger."

"We can start going to the gym and get you lifting weights, then."

"You really don't mind?"

"Why would I?"

"I don't know. Maybe you like the way I look right now."

"I'll like you with muscles, too."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

***

The first few days of us living together were incredible. Like a waking dream that never ended. We used every opportunity to make love to each other. We went to the gym together, where Amanda was disgruntled to find out she was only able to bench press the bar itself without any weights.

She woke me up with a blowjob most days, except for the one day I intentionally drank a lot of water before going to bed so I'd be up first. It wasn't a total success, since me dashing to the bathroom woke her up before I could eat her out, but she nevertheless commended me on my effort. We spent every evening cuddling on the couch and just enjoying each others' presence.

But as it turned out, despite everything that happened between the two of us, my sister was still my sister.

That meant I came home to candy wrappers littering the coffee table. Not a lot and it wasn't a big deal to clean it up but it was still an annoyance. So were the wet towels on the bathroom floor. The tea bags in the sink.

It reminded me of living back home under the same roof and all the reasons I moved out in the first place. It wasn't like Amanda was a slob, far from it, she just did some things without thinking about it. I asked her to hang up her towels twice and both times she said sorry and said she'd do it next time but she didn't.

It was a little over a week in when I opened the door, saw Amanda lounging on the couch, watching TV, with an open carton of half-eaten ice cream on the coffee table. The ice cream had melted, leaving a stain on the wood.

The thought hit me like a nasty odor. What if living together wasn't going to work?

I felt guilty immediately afterward. Nothing else had changed. I loved her so much it hurt and I was happier when I was around her, but it would have been nice not to have to clean up after her. I grabbed the ice cream carton to return it to the freezer.

"Hey, I'm still eating that," Amanda yelled.

"It's melted."

"Yeah, so?"

"If you're not gonna eat it all, you can just scoop out a little instead of letting it melt all over the table."

"I am gonna eat it all."

"Really?" I asked, holding up the quart that was still half-full. "You're gonna eat all that?"

"Yup," she replied smugly.

I ignored her and put the carton back into the freezer. Amanda got up, opened the freezer, and took it out again.

"Really?"

"I told you, I'm not finished."

"Are you going to at least clean up the table this time?"

"Sure."

"You always say that and then you don't do it."

"I am gonna do it, you're just too anal and don't give me time."

"Just like the towels that lie on the floor until the late evening and get moldy."

"None of them are moldy."

"Because I always hang them up."

"Wow, good job, you get a medal," she snapped and returned to the couch.

"I don't want a medal, I just want my apartment to be reasonably clean."

"Your apartment? Oh, right, I forgot that I'm apparently just a guest here. Sure we're in a committed relationship but it's your apartment, not our apartment."

"I didn't mean it like that, I'm just used to this place looking nice."

"And now that I'm here it's not nice anymore?"

Tears welled up in Amanda's eyes but anger kept them down. Everything was going wrong and it felt like the conversation was spiraling out of control.

"That's not what I said. I like having you here."

"Apparently not, because you keep complaining about the things I do."

"I don't complain about everything, it's just a few things."

"Just a few things. Every day. How am I supposed to live here if I can't be myself?"

"You can be yourself," I snapped, "but that doesn't mean you should destroy the table."

Amanda shot to her feet and glared at me.

"Fine, if your stupid table is more important than me -- "

"It's not!"

" -- then maybe you can your stupid table can get married."

"You're being unreasonable!"

Amanda huffed loudly and turned her attention back to the TV. She grabbed the carton of ice cream and dug her spoon in, ladling some of the half-soup into her mouth.

Anger was boiling inside of me and I only knew of one way to deal with it.

"I'm going for a run. Do you want to come?"

"No. Wouldn't want to ruin that for you, too."

I stomped into the bedroom and got changed. A minute later I was out the door, riding down the elevator. I started running as soon as I hit the pavement but I didn't get very far.

Before even reaching the edge of town, I collapsed against the side of a building and started crying. Big, ugly, heaving sobs. I was so angry but at the same time, I didn't want to be angry. I hated the way the discussion went.

Was that really where they were at? Eight days of living together and we already failed as a couple. What if we hadn't been meant to be a couple after all? We were both just horny and that drowned out everything else?

And it was impossible to ever fix what we used to have.

After fifteen minutes, the tears finally dried out. At last, I was able to run. I ran and I ran until my legs burned and I couldn't think about anything other than the pain. I didn't bring any water and my mouth was parched. I forgot to put on sunscreen and would undoubtedly get sunburnt.

I welcomed the sun's punishment. It's what I deserved. Fucking towels and a table, really?

It took me half an hour to walk back on sore feet but I felt calmer. I wanted to apologize to Amanda. That wasn't how I wanted our relationship to end.

When I opened the door, the apartment was empty. The coffee table had been meticulously cleaned, not a single trace of chocolate anywhere.

"Amanda?" I called out.

No response.

The bed in the bedroom looked almost like it had been ironed. My sister's pile of clothing was nowhere to be seen. All the towels in the bathroom hung perfectly straight. Her toothbrush was missing. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. Her purse and shoes were gone, too.

I picked up my phone and called her.

No response.

My chest felt tight and it was hard to breathe. I screwed up and lost everything because of a stupid table I bought at a yard sale for fifty bucks. It wasn't worth it. I wanted to kick the table. Smash it to pieces.

Instead, I went to the kitchen and opened the cupboard. There were plenty of snacks in it now, all Amanda's. I grabbed a packet of chips at random and almost had it open when I stopped myself. I took a deep breath.

No, food was not the solution. As much as everything hurt, I shouldn't fall back into old habits. It cost me all the strength I had but I put the packet of chips back and closed the door.

Exhausted, I dropped on the couch. It still smelled of Amanda, who had been sitting on it all day. I buried my face in a pillow and started to cry again.

When I woke up, it was already dark outside. I called Amanda again.

No response.

***

I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and only followed my classes remotely, unable to concentrate. Life was pain incarnate.

Almost forty-eight hours and I still hadn't heard a word from Amanda. She didn't respond to my text either. The message was clear, so I stopped trying.

What a miserable, stupid idiot I was. I managed to screw up two relationships at the same time, both with my girlfriend and my sister. It hurt. It hurt a thousand times worse than when I caught Alexis cheating on me.

It hurt so much I couldn't breathe sometimes. I'd give anything to have her back. To just hold her and tell her I'm sorry.

When the phone buzzed, I didn't react. It felt like an intrusion into my world of misery. It buzzed again. Who would dare to send me a message in my time of grief? And again. A bubble of anger formed, giving me the strength to move. Groaning, I leaned out of bed and looked at the display.

It was Amanda.

Instantly, all the lethargy I felt was wiped again. I dropped the phone trying to open the message, caught it in midair, and fumbled to press the button.

AMANDA: can you come to the shelter

AMANDA: now

AMANDA: please

Part of me wanted to be a bratty, spoiled child and ignore the request. Hurt her like she hurt me. That part was quickly drowned out by a wave of longing.

A minute later I had changed my clothes, brushed my teeth, found clean socks, and given my face a quick rinse. There wasn't much I could do about his scraggly stubble and time was pressing. I put on my shoes and took the stairs instead of the elevator.

What was normally a fifteen-minute drive, I managed in twelve. Undoubtedly, I broke several traffic laws but my mind was something else.

That something else sat on the curb in the parking lot in front of the shelter. Head buried in her knees, hair disheveled, shaking like a leaf in the wind. I pulled into the empty space one over, cut the engine, and got out. My heart beat too fast.

Amanda looked up. Her eyes were red, her cheeks covered in tears. As soon as she recognized me, she jumped up and flung herself at me. She threw her arms around my waist and clutched hard like a vice. She buried her face in my chest and continued crying. Big, heaving sobs. Not the happy kind. I held her and tried my best to comfort her with whatever was wrong.

"W-w-we h-had to p-p-put down," she stammered, snuffled, and swallowed, "put d-down Frank."

"Oh no," I said, feeling tears well up in my own eyes. "What happened?"

"Cancer. Too much pain."

"Fuck."

Frank had been at the shelter before Amanda even started working there. A long-term guest of the establishment. I had known him for a good three years. He had always been friendly. He had to have been old for a dog but deserved a better end than that.

We stayed like that for a long time. The wet spot on my chest grew bigger and her vice-like grip was strong but I was numb to the pain and discomfort. I stroked her back, unable to hold back tears of my own.

"I miss you," she said quietly.

"I really miss you, too."

"I hate fighting with you."

"Me, too. I don't even care about the stupid table. I care about you. I don't know why I was so upset."

"I can be a bit of a slob sometimes."

"You were right, I thought of it as my own apartment."

"It is, I just kinda invited myself."

"I want you to be there."

"I want to be there but only if you're happy."

"The last couple of days without you have been the worst of my life."

"Mine, too."

"I don't ever want to fight with you again."

"We're gonna fight again."

"Okay, then I don't want ever want to fight with you about something so stupid again."

"We're gonna fight about stupid things."

"Do we have to?"

"Yes. But maybe we can handle it better in the future."

"I hope so. I'm sorry for blowing up at you."

"I'm sorry for making a mess sometimes."

"I'm sorry for not making our apartment more of a home for you."

"I forgive you."

"I forgive you, too. And I love you."

"I love you, too."

At last, Amanda raised her head to look at me. Her eyes were still red but the flow of tears had stopped. Even so, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. I leaned down for a kiss.

I forgot how great it felt to kiss Amanda. Even though she said we were going to fight in the future, I made a silent promise to myself to do everything I could to never lose her ever again.

"I'm sorry about Frank," I said. "Was it sudden?"

"No, he's been in a lot of pain this week and could barely move. He was just crying all day yesterday and the medicine didn't soothe it. We decided it was better to take his pain away. Gave him a last afternoon in the warm sun and then..."

"I hope he's happier now."

"I hope so, too."

"Are we okay?"

"Yeah, we will be."

"Good."

"I wish I didn't have to go back to work."

"Do you want me to wait for you?"

"No... but can you hold me? Just for a couple more minutes?"

"Of course."

***

The apartment looked different now. There were a lot more plants. The pillows were all colorful. We had a rice cooker and an electric kettle for making tea. Bedsheets with flowers printed on them. The bathroom counter had more bottles on it than I could count.