Summer of Loss

The world was just a giant blur and everything hurt.

Please, please, let it be there!

Blindly rummaging around the top shelf of the pantry, my fingers bumped into something rectangular and heavy. I seized it and the weight and feel of it stirred up a host of familiar emotions. A little ray of warmth that dulled the pain.

Before it had a chance to fade, I unwrapped the chocolate bar and tore a big chunk out of it -- Nelson's Premium Bar, milk chocolate with hazelnut chunks, my absolute favorite. For a brief moment, I was in heaven. Nothing mattered except for the familiar, comforting, rich, delicious, intoxicating flavor.

Then the world came crashing back down. Everything was wrong. Everything was broken. I slumped against the kitchen wall and began to sob between bites of chocolate. Salty tears mixed with Nelson's Premium.

Once the chocolate was gone, so was the small buffer of happiness holding back a torrent of misery. I didn't have the strength to stand up so I grabbed the first thing in my reach, a bag of potato chips. I hate the barbecue-flavored ones but I tore open the bag anyway.

Anything to dull the pain. Anything so I wouldn't have to think about her.

***

"Shaun, what the fuck is -- are you alright?" someone asked.

Bleary-eyed, I looked up and wiped tears away with the back of my hand. I blinked and saw my little sister, Amanda, looking at me with a great deal of concern. She had good reason to be. Two empty bags of potato chips, the Nelson's wrapper, half a dozen empty Reeses, and a ton of broken chips that didn't make it into my mouth.

Amanda knelt in front of me and laid a comforting hand on my knee. "What's going on? Can I help?"

"No," I said and tears welled up again. My lips trembled. "She dumped me."

"Oh, no!" Amanda squealed and threw her arms around me. "I'm so sorry."

Saying it out loud elicited a wave of misery.

Alexis, my girlfriend -- no, ex-girlfriend now -- was gone and left behind a broken heart.

We met in college almost two years ago, in a math study group. She was a friend of Terri, who was my friend Jack's girlfriend. Gorgeous, with long, brown hair, and a fitness buff. I had a crush on her from day one.

In retrospect, it was more the fact that we hung out so much than anything else why we ended up dating. After all, what could she possibly see in me, a tall but chubby keyboard warrior? Okay, fine, I was a little more than chubby at the time, I was at two-eighty-pounds. It didn't look as bad as it sounds, since I'm just a smidge over six foot tall, but nobody who looked at me would ever think I was anything but fat.

Yet when I finally worked up the courage to ask Alexis out at the end of the first semester, she said yes. I was over the moon and didn't question it but it was obvious from the start that she wanted me to lose weight. Our first official date was a walk around campus that left me sweating and she never wanted to get dessert when we went out, even though I offered to pay.

I didn't care, I was overjoyed to have a girlfriend. My first serious adult relationship. We hung out, juggling classes and homework, and even went on double dates with Jack and Terri. Alexis thought I was smart and funny. Everything was great except our sex life -- or lack thereof.

We had done some kissing and a lot of cuddling and hand-holding, but nothing even close to second base. She rebutted two attempts already, so when I put my hand on her stomach one evening while we were making out, I didn't have particularly high hopes.

Alexis pulled back and looked at me with an odd smirk on her face. "I'll let you touch my boobs if you lose five pounds."

I thought she was joking at first but she wasn't, she was dead serious. Five pounds, under her conditions, and I could play with her tits as much as I wanted.

That's pretty much how our relationship started for real.

The first step was buying an accurate, digital scale, which I did that same evening. But Alexis said I had to wait until the next morning for my official weigh-in. The next morning, she let the next hammer drop -- I needed at least two weeks' worth of weights to average it out.

I didn't let that, or the 284 on the display, deter me. I was a man on a mission to touch some titties.

The day started with a light breakfast, that is to say, no second bowl of cereal, and I didn't have my regular between-class snack. Lunch was the same cafeteria food as always but I skipped the dessert. My stomach was growling but I stoically ignored it. For dinner, I only ate some fruit.

The result was I lost three pounds in a single day. Alexis just laughed and said it was mostly water weight, we'd see the real change at the end of the two weeks. Nevertheless, I was motivated to ignore the hunger and lose weight. The second day was tough, the third tougher.

On the fourth day, I broke down and Alexis walked in on me stuffing my face with an entire box of chocolate-chip cookies. I just wanted to eat one, I hadn't even realized I ate the entire thing until I saw the frown on her face.

"Guess you don't want to touch these after all," she said, flashing me her tits.

It was the first time I saw them in the flesh. Small but perfectly perky with big, brown nipples.

After that rekindling of my motivation, Alexis sat me down and we had a long, serious discussion about nutrition, dieting, and weight loss. We had a lot of those, actually. I learned a lot about how the body works and how everything I thought before was wrong.

It felt like we spent every waking hour of the day, other than classes, together. We exercised together -- I walked while she jogged circles around me -- and we cooked together. Some nights she even stayed over -- in the same bed -- and it felt like we were closer than ever.

It was obvious a few days before the two weeks were up that I was going to beat my target but Alexis stood firm. On goal day, after averaging out both weeks, I had lost almost seven pounds.

Touching Alexis' boobs was even better than I imagined. Soft but supple at the same time. Nipples that grew the more I played with them and made her sigh. When I wrested my gaze away from her chest the first time, her face was flushed with beads of sweat on her forehead.

"Should I stop?" I asked.

"No," she purred.

That day was also the first time I made her climax. I didn't think it could get any better, alternating between making out and sucking her nipples, until she grabbed my face, pulled me close, and pitched her next deal.

"If you lose another five pounds, I'll let you finger me."

The next few months were incredible. Alexis' tantalizing offers pushed me to my limits but every drop of sweat was worth it. We exercised several times a week, regardless of rain or now. I signed up for a gym and bought a bicycle. I fingered Alexis until she breathlessly begged me to stop.

All my friends noticed the changes and I drowned in compliments. I ran out of my last junk food reserve and didn't feel like buying any more. I got my first ever lapdance and blowjob from a woman who dressed in incredibly sexy lingerie for the occasion. Somehow, even my grades were going up.

I was happy and have never felt better. I was in love with Alexis. I seriously considered asking her to marry me.

There was only one fitness goal left, the biggest one so far, of twenty-eight pounds.

"If you reach two-twenty-five, I'll take your virginity."

***

"What happened?" Amanda asked a long time after my tears subsided.

"I don't want to talk about it," I replied. It was less embarrassing for her to think that she dumped me than the truth.

The memory was still too painful to even think about. The lecturer failed to show up, so the class was unexpectedly canceled after half an hour. Alexis would have been busy until at least four with her own classes, and I figured I could get a quick run in on my own. I just needed a protein shake and a change of clothes.

Riding up the elevator, I already logged the shake into my calorie tracker app. I unlocked the door, threw my bag on the ground, and grabbed the shaker. That's when I heard noises from the bedroom. I thought that maybe Alexis left the TV on since she slept over again tonight and didn't think twice about entering the bedroom.

Only to find Alexis, naked, writhing on top of someone who wasn't me.

Nausea overcame me. The only thing I remember afterward is the look of surprise and pity on Alexis' face. Then I was back in my childhood home, seeking comfort in the pantry.

"That bad?" Amanda asked.

I nodded.

"I'm sorry," she said and hugged me closer. "I never liked her anyway."

That made me laugh, erupting a fountain of snot.

"Liar. You told me to marry her."

"Sorry, I didn't see it coming."

"Me neither."

"My leg is falling asleep."

"Oh, sorry."

That was the end of the longest and possibly best hug I ever received. Too soon. I sighed. Amanda, instead of getting up, sat down next to me, leaned against the wall, and put her arm around me again.

Sometimes it was really fucking nice having a sister.

It hadn't always been that way, particularly when both of us were in our early teens. She was born only eleven months after me, so for roughly one month out of the year, most of August, we were actually the same age. That's why it always felt like she was right behind me, trying to catch up. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get ahead.

Until college, at least. That's when our paths diverged. I moved into an apartment closer to campus, she stayed at home and went to veterinary school, working at a shelter on the side. I was finally free from her but that only made me miss the good parts of having her around. There was always someone to talk to who wouldn't judge you and, more importantly, not shy away from telling you things you didn't want to hear but should.

Sifting through the pile of wrappers on the ground, Amanda found an unopened Reese's. She tore the package and ate it in one bite. We were alike in many ways -- same dirty-blonde hair and slightly crooked nose, the gap in the left brow, and large feet -- but Amanda had never been fat in her life. Curvy, healthy, and shapely, sure, but it looked good on her.

"So what are you gonna do now?" she asked, mouth still half-full of peanut butter cup.

"I don't know," I groaned, leaning my head back.

"You can't eat the pain away," she said after swallowing.

"I know."

Amanda scooted closer and put her head on my shoulder. She was nice and warm. Just like Alexis had been. Tears welled up in my eyes again.

"It's okay. Let it all out," my sister said, rubbing my shoulder.

***

Fuck. I stepped off the scale for the second time, let it turn off, turned it back on, and stepped back on. It displayed the same number again.

It was official, I gained six pounds.

The apartment was a mess. Empty pizza boxes and cans of beer everywhere. A light coating of chip crumbs on the couch. A treasure trove of wrappers piling on the coffee table. Takeout stinking up the kitchen sink. An empty spot on the wall where the progress pictures of me and Alexis used to hang. A still-bleeding hole in my heart.

It was the first time in two weeks I weighed myself. I was scared of what the result would be, with good justification. Weeks of hard work, undone. The thought of exercising always made me think about Alexis, and thinking about Alexis was painful. Alcohol and junk food were the only comforts in my life now.

I sank into the couch and opened pizza boxes at random, hoping for a slice in one of them. Dogs barked outside. The doorbell rang. I groaned and ignored it, hoping it would go away.

It rang again, and again, and again. I slammed the button for the intercom.

"WHAT?" I grunted into the mic.

"Put on some shoes and get your ass down here," Amanda said sharply, accompanied by barks.

"I don't want to."

"I don't care."

"Just leave me alone," I snapped and let go of the intercom.

The doorbell rang again.

Five minutes later, I stood in front of the apartment block's door in the chilly morning breeze. Amanda was gloating, of course, holding six dogs on six leashes. Four of them were smaller breeds, lapdog types. The other two were medium-sized, though I only recognized the bulldog. His name was Frank and he was a senior.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The animals sniffed my legs with interest.

"When was the last time you were outside?" Amanda asked.

"I don't remember. Not this week."

"You stink."

"I can go back--"

"Oh no, you're not. Take these," she ordered, holding out the leashes of Frank and the other medium dog. "You haven't forgotten Frank, I hope. The other one is Spot. She's a beagle."

And off we were on a walk around the neighborhood. The college campus was situated on the outskirts of the city and my place was fairly close. It only took twenty minutes at a leisurely pace to reach wide, open fields. Fields that were perfect for running. That I ran on a lot with Alexis.

"Still thinking about her?" Amanda asked as if she could read my mind.

"Yeah," I sighed.

We reached the city limit and the dogs, getting wind of the change, began pulling harder. My legs were stiff from sitting around so much and began to ache.

I felt like the same fat loser that I had been before meeting Alexis. I lost everything. Everything. Without the strength to take another step, I just sat down on the grass at the side of the road and began to cry.

Immediately, Frank licked the back of my hand. Amanda, after noticing, sat down next to me and rubbed my back.

"I feel like such a loser," I sobbed.

"You're not."

"Then why did she -- "

I cut off abruptly before blurting out that she cheated on me. That was the part that hurt the most. Not knowing why. Was it something I did? Was I not good enough? Maybe I had been just a dumb toy for her, to keep her entertained until something better came along.

"Did she cheat on you?" Amanda asked cautiously.

So she knew or at least suspected. Frank leaned against my legs and looked at me with reproach.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked after a while.

"No, just a hunch. If it was an argument or something you would have already told me about it. Had to be something awful."

"One of my classes got canceled and I came home early."

"Oh no," Amanda muttered apprehensively.

"Walked in on her in bed with someone else."

My sister sucked in her breath sharply.

Spot was eager to keep going and tugged on the leash. I sighed and pushed myself up, avoiding looking at my sister. I didn't want to see the look of pity and commiseration.

We walked in silence after that, watching the dogs eagerly sniff every flower and stalk of grass as if it were the most exciting thing in the world. If only I could have been a dog.

We walked for nearly two hours in total. My legs hurt but I wanted to feel the pain. It was a good kind of pain. Even the dogs seemed glad to reach the parking lot.

"She's not worth it," Amanda finally broke the silence.

"What do you mean?"

"You changed a lot over the past year. For the better. You're not so..."

"Fat?"

"...husky anymore," she said with a smirk. "Seriously, you look good. You seemed happier than ever. More confident and outgoing."

"I was happier," I sighed. "I felt like a real adult."

"Don't throw it away. Not for her. She's not worth it."

"It's not that easy."

I certainly wasn't going to tell Amanda that the only reason I lost weight was because Alexis bribed me with kinky favors.

"Why not? Did you forget how?"

"Just lacking the motivation, I guess."

"We'll see about that. Now help me load these brats into the trunk."

***

The doorbell rang. I already knew who it was -- my dear little sister. She had already unceremoniously invited herself via text message ten minutes ago. I pressed the buzzer for the entrance and opened the door.

Usually, she stopped by in the morning or noon, dogs in tow, but not today. She emerged from the elevator wearing an outfit I've never seen before on her. Running shorts, a sports bra, and a tank top. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail.

Amanda usually favored jeans and a blouse. I've never seen her work out. Ever.

"What are you wearing?" I asked, letting her in.

"What does it look like?" she countered, setting her purse on the table. "We're going for a run. Go get changed or whatever."

"You... want to go for a run?"

"Don't look at me like I suddenly grew horns. Yes, I want to start exercising more and I need your expertise."

"That's really nice of you, but I really don't need -- "

"It's not for you. I've put on some weight over the years and I'd like to get rid of it. I'm sick and tired of another pudgy summer. I finally want to look hot in a bikini without worrying about what people think."

"You look good already."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Are you gonna help me or not?"

"Sure. Let me go get changed."

Ten minutes later, I was dressed for running as well. Each of us carried a water bottle, leaving everything cumbersome behind.

"We should probably start with a brisk walk," I suggest.

"What good is that gonna do?"

"So you don't pull a muscle."

"I walk dozens of hours every week, I know how it works."

"Running is different. You want my help, right?"

"Fine," she sighed.

"Okay. We're gonna walk fast for a minute, then jog for a minute, then go back to walking."

We set out at a rapid pace. I slowed down enough to keep abreast with my sister, who clearly hadn't expected it to be more difficult than a leisurely stroll with her dogs. She began to sweat before the one-minute mark.

Thirty seconds into the jog, I hear a squeak of complaint five feet behind me. Amanda was doubled over, catching her breath.

"Why the fuck aren't you sweating?" she snapped at me.

"Because I'm not as out of shape as you. Come on, let's finish jogging and do another cycle, then we can take a break.

A little shy of two-and-a-half minutes later, Amanda collapsed into a patch of grass next to a recently tilled field. I sat down next to her and wiped away the three drops on my forehead before my sister could spot them.

"I saw Alexis yesterday," I said.

"Oh?"

"On the way to class. She sat on a bench in front of Edison Hall, making out with a guy."

"That guy?"

"I don't know, I never saw his face."

"What'd you do? Punch him?" she chuckled.

"No, I fled. Alexis must have seen me because she caught up with me in the hallway."

"What'd she want?"

"She said she was sorry. That I shouldn't have found out like that."

"Then she shouldn't have fucked someone else," Amanda scoffed. "What'd you reply?"

"Nothing. I just walked away."

"Good for you. I bumped into Harrison once. You remember him?"

"The guy who dumped you on Valentine's?"

"That's the one. I just went completely nuts. Yelling, punching, screaming, the whole nine. I've never seen anyone so scared," she laughed. "What a piece of shit."

I laughed, too. Amanda was very good at yelling, I had plenty of experience being on the receiving end.

"Are you saying I should have gone off on her?"

"All I'm saying is Harrison now leaves the room whenever I enter."

"I don't think I could do that. I just want to forget about her. Speaking of, are you ready to keep going?"

Amanda groaned but pushed herself off the ground.

***

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwww," Amanda whined on the phone.

"What's wrong?"

"Your stupid exercise doesn't work. Both of my legs hurt like hell and I gained a pound."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did. I weighed myself this morning and I went up by one pound."

"That's just water weight."

"Your face is just water weight," she grunted.

"I suppose we better start with the basics. You got some time?"

"Sure, just let me put on some clothes."