Surviving the Death of a Old Friend

I need to say a big thank you to Randi, who helped convert this rambling chaotic monstrosity into a story. How she manages to untangle my scribbles, always amazes me.

Kalvin my husband, stumbled ashen faced into the living room. His eyes vacant.

Frightened, I asked, "What's the problem sweetheart, you look terrible."

He raised his phone, to indicate he had received a call, adding, "I just got a call from Leo." He flopped down on the sofa beside me.

"Is he okay?" I asked nervously.

He didn't answer, just sat staring into space as if he hadn't heard me. "Kalvin, you're scaring me. Is everything all right?"

He turned slowly. "No, no it's not. He's ill."

Starting to feel a little panicky myself. I asked, "What do you mean ill?"

He reached for my hand. Gripping it tightly, his words stalled as he spoke. "He has a brain tumour, and it's bad."

I raised my other hand to cover my shock. Being a nurse I understood what this meant. "How bad?"

"They have given him six months at best."

"What!" Now I was shocked, I felt the blood drain from my face.

Kalvin stared at me, empty, catatonic. I squeezed his hand. "Where is he?"

"Apparently, he's at the batch."

"By himself? God, that's not a good idea, Hon."

"No, I agree. I'm going up there. He can't be left by himself."

I nodded in agreement. "Yes, that's a good idea, Hon. When are you leaving?"

He looked down at his watch. "Now, I'm going now. I can sort work and other stuff out from up there. Jesus, Phoebe, six months."

"Hon, it'll be okay; there's new treatments, medication, it might not be that bad. Medicine has moved forward a long way. There are so many new treatments."

"Apparently, he has turned down treatment. He said he wants quality over quantity."

"That's ridiculous. You need to try and convince him."

"I don't know, Hon, he sounded pretty adamant, although he did sound lost."

"I'll get a bag packed. How long are you going for?"

"Plan on a week, but we'll take it as we find it." He leaned over and wrapped me in his gloriously strong arms. I always felt safe and comfortable in his arms.

We rushed through packing his bag and before I knew it, I was waving goodbye as he sped off in his work truck.

As I walked back inside the concern and worry crept in. Poor Leo. I met Leo when I met my husband. They were best mates. I was a nursing student studying at Dunedin university. Kal and I met, as everybody does, at a pub. The Bats were playing and the place was packed. I was with a bunch of other nurses when he barged in, beer in hand, sending me flying.

Helping me up from the floor, he apologised without being able to mask his laughter. "Sorry, are you okay?"

As I dusted myself off. Not a very ladylike position spread-eagled on the floor of a pub full of students, I said, "Christ watch where you're bloody well going next time aye."

"Sorry, Doll, but, you were standing in the doorway."

"We were waiting for friends."

"Yeah, okay, my fault. Let me buy you a drink."

I handed him my now empty glass. "Bacardi and coke please."

I turned back to my friends who were all laughing. "Cor, Phoebe, he's a bit of all right."

"Fucking clumsy, that's what he is."

Emily piped up loudly, "Well if you don't want him babe, step back because I bloody do."

The others all laughed.

That was my introduction to my spunk husband. Kalvin, or as I called him, Kal. When we started dating, it didn't take long to meet his best mate and lifelong friend Leo. Kal was the quiet one, really. Well, not quiet but more reserved. Leo was the boisterous party animal. He was a student, as well studying business. Kal was an apprentice carpenter. They were both Dunedin boys. I was an Aucklander. Not a match made in heaven, not at first, but it didn't take me long to figure out Kal was the man for me. He was special: good natured, hard working and yet still fun.

Separating him from Leo was the hard part. They were best mates and I mean best. They did everything together: played for the same rugby team. shared flats, cars. They were worse than my girlfriends.

Leo was best man at our wedding. Kal, returned the favour. Leo was the high flier. He joined his father's property development firm, and his career took off.

Kal was the opposite: he focused on his building career, and thankfully, me.

Leo, on the other hand, liked the high life, parties, lots of girlfriends.

Kal and I found a nice house, and once I started work at the hospital, we were able to save enough to buy our first house.

It was Leo's dad who helped us with the deposit.

After Leo's first marriage broke down he decided he had enough of Dunedin and moved to Auckland to make his own mark on the world.

His first wife, Chloe, caught him having an affair and divorced him. Their relationship was so toxic. He decided that he was going to get the hell out. It was the first time I saw Kal and Leo fall out. Chloe had barely delivered their son, Jacob. Kal was pissed off that Leo wasn't going to stick around to help out his son. Kal felt like Leo had abandoned his family, and that did not sit well with him.

It took several years before they reconnected. That turned out to be his second wedding. If nothing else, it got the terrible twosome back together.

Their big thing was their love of rugby. They were both huge Highlanders fans, and Leo brought them both season tickets. Yeah, money was tight in our household, but not for Leo, he enjoyed splashing the cash, and to a certain degree, rubbing it in Kal's face. Not in a nasty way, but he did like to let Kal know.

Leo's second wife, Katherine, was the glue that helped reunite Leo with his son Jacob.

Leo's family had a holiday home, slash batch, at Stephens Bay in Tasman Bay. It wasn't anything flash or expensive, just a small three bedroom batch. School holidays and Christmas, Katherine made a point of ensuring Leo collected Jacob and taking them to Stephens Bay. Most times we got dragged along, as well. Katherine and I actually managed to become good friends.

We often sat on the beach watching Leo, Jacob and Kal, out in the dinghy setting nets fishing and just generally clowning around. "Look at those two idiots," she used to quip. We sat with out glasses of wine relaxing, enjoying the sun. They were great days, especially after our daughter Drew was born. They became real family holidays for us all.

What I did notice, though, was that by the seventh year things were cooling between them. There was a gap opening.

Leo and Kath flew down for a weekend visit. The boys never missed a Highlanders/Crusaders clash.

Anyway, while they were off at their game. I organised a girls' night out. I invited some of my friends from the hospital and we went out on the town. God it was a fun night, more like a hens' night than a girls' night. We all got seriously trashed.

When we got home, we opened another bottle of wine and sat in the lounge. It was then,that Kath opened up. "Phoebe, Bloody Leo is driving me crazy. He goes off with his mates all the time. I want a family and he doesn't. It pisses me off."

"Hey, sweets, he'll come around. Just do it."

"Do what?"

Well, stop taking the pill, don't tell him. Once you're pregnant he'll get over it."

"God no, he would freak. He is adamant he doesn't want any more kids. I love Jacob, but I want kids of my own."

"Wow, so what are you going to do?"

She gave me a funny look. "I've met somebody else."

"Oh my god. Do you mean as in another fella?"

"Yes, exactly. He's lovely."

"Oh, honey, that's going to kill Leo. He will be broken arsed."

"Well, it's his own fault. He goes off with his mates. If it's not motor racing, it's the horses. Out drinking till all hours. He doesn't care that I'm stuck at home by myself. Half the time I think he's seeing other birds, anyway."

"You think he's cheating on you?"

"Yeah, he does have a track record."

"Yeah, but Hon, he loves you. Kal and I both see it."

"I think he does in his own way, but I think he just likes to have his cake and eat it, too."

"No sweets, you're wrong. He wouldn't do that."

We drank our wine and she said, "I am so close to leaving him."

Just then the boys barged in, arm in arm singing and falling all over each other. Leo stumbled drunkenly over and fell into Katherine's lap. "Hey babe, feeling horny?"

She pushed him off onto the floor. "Piss off, Leo."

Kal stumbled over and flopped beside me. "Hey sweets. Do I get a kiss?"

I loved him when he was like this. Usually he is a bit straight and maybe a bit too rigid, but after a few drinks he is so funny and loveable.

We had a great night, but I'm not sure Kath and Leo's was so good.

It was about eight months later when Leo called with the bad news. He was drunk when Kal answered the phone. "The cheating slut's left me, mate. She fucked off with some fucking knob from the gym."

I heard the whole conversation. Kal was distraught and invited Leo down for the weekend.

Leo always had some scheme he wanted a hand with. He dragged Kalvin all over the country on stupid boys' trips. I have to say, at first I was a bit nervous, after what Katherine said about Leo, I wondered exactly what did they get up to on those bloody trips?

Kal, however, was a different man. There was never any doubt in my mind that he loved me.

So here we were, our daughter Drew off at University in Wellington studying Psychology.

Kal called about eight thirty that night. "Hi, Hon. I made it."

"How's Leo?"

"Not so good. Wow, I have never seen him like this. He is depressed. I mean he looks okay. On the outside you would never know."

"Okay, Sweets, you have to try to get him to consider treatment, okay? Try to enjoy your stay, but do your best to get him to consider treatment."

Kal stayed till Wednesday the next week. He had a big job he had to be there for. That night as we sat down to dinner he said, "I want us both to go up this weekend. Can you get time off work?"

"Shit, short notice, but I'll try. How many days?"

"I don't know, Hon. It takes a day to drive up, the same back. We need to be gone for at least five or six days to make it worth while."

I nodded. "When do you want to go?"

"Friday morning."

It took a lot of convincing, but I managed to get the time off. I had plenty of leave, but we were short staffed.

Friday, we headed away. We pulled into his driveway about nine that night. When he saw me he broke into tears and we hugged like never before.

"Thanks for coming, Phoebe. Christ, it's so good to see you."

"You too, Leo, how are you feeling?"

"I feel okay physically, mentally I feel a bit shot."

As I released him, he opened his arms and Kal fell into a big man hug. Leo let go, walked to the fridge and came back in carrying drinks. They had their beers and I threw back my wine. The boys started relating stories of old, laughing and carrying on. About an hour later, Leo pulled out a packet and fired up a big doobie.

Surprisingly, Kal took a big hit before passing it to me. "No thanks." I was a bit shocked to see Kal smoking. We hadn't done so since our twenties. Here we are in our forties. I didn't care, I mean I wasn't against pot, in fact I had always enjoyed it, but we had sort of moved away from it.

Kal gave me a nervous look. "Hon, it helps with Leo's pain management."

"Yeah, I understand, maybe later for me."

They carried on with their beers. We listened to some music, but Leo looked terrible. Not in pain, there was no signs of illness. He just looked defeated, empty. His happy go lucky demeanour crushed. Like life itself had been squeezed out of him.

We all went to bed, Kal and I tucked up in the spare room and he was in a horny mood. We were barely in bed when he started trying to work his way under my PJ's. It seemed wrong, but he wasn't going to be denied, and really I didn't want to say no. I loved it when he was like that.

We made love with the crazed passion of teenagers.

In the morning, Leo got up late and he enjoyed having us on about the previous night. "Jesus, you two were fucking noisy last night."

Kal sniped back, "You're just jealous."

"You're damn right I'm jealous. You're sleeping on your own tonight, Bro."

"Like hell he is." I snapped. I didn't mean it to sound nasty, but it was curt.

Leo whined. "Don't you love me any more?"

Kal gave him a gentle shove. "Leave it out, mate."

He shrugged. "Sorry, guys. It was only a joke."

I walked away to get Leo some breakfast. He looked at it and pushed his plate away. "No thanks, Phoebe. Not hungry."

I pushed his plate back in front of him. Standing staring down at him arms on hips I snapped. "Listen, Leo, if you're going to be drinking today, you will need food. So eat up. Don't make me spoon feed you."

He gave me a grim stare. "You know I'm dying, right?"

"Oh, don't play that card with me, Leo. I'm a nurse. I've seen hundreds of patients die. Now eat your damn food."

He gave a snide laugh. "Fuck, you can't be much of a nurse if all your patients are dying." Kal joined him and they chuckled away like a couple of crazy Keas.

He did eat his eggs and Kal gave me a complicit grin.

We all went for a walk down on the beach, it was one of those grey overcast days. Not raining but dreary. We walked with me in the middle and holding both their hands as we walked.

At low tide there was enough room to walk around the rocks and there was a little bay we laid back on, to soak up the warm sun. "Life's fucked," Leo grumbled moodily.

Kal pulled him into a hug as he broke down and bawled. I had never seen him cry, never envisioned it. Leo was a big guy. Physically very imposing, tall, muscular and I suppose in a way very handsome. Watching him in Kal's arms bawling his eyes out was heartbreaking. I heard Kal crying, as well, which was something I had never seen. He kept his face looking the other way so I couldn't see.

When they parted, I climbed over Kal and hugged Leo as well. We rocked back and forth as his tears wet my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Leo, what can we do?"

When we separated he replied, "If you could ring the family and talk to them, I would appreciate that."

Surprised, I muttered, "What, you haven't told them."

He shook his head slowly. "No, at the moment you're the only ones who know."

His parents were now both dead. He had no brothers or sisters. No direct family. But maybe Chloe, or even Katherine might be able to help.

We walked back to the batch and I grabbed his phone. I went out to the deck with my wine and started ringing around.

Chloe was a real bitch. Okay, we were never close, but I didn't expect her anger.

"Oh well, maybe it's payback. They say Karma's a bitch." She was obviously not going to be any help.

Next was Katherine. When I told her she broke into tears. "Oh my god, is he all right?"

"Yeah, Hon, he's holding up okay under the circumstances. I thought you might like to come and visit, say hi."

"I would love to, but we are in Argentina. My husband Mike is running a training programme over here for local dairy farmers. I won't be back for another nine months or so. We have only been here two months."

We talked a little more, she was sad and upset but unable to get back.

The next call was difficult, Jacob, Leo's son. They may not have been incredibly close, but Leo was funding his stay in London while he did some post-graduate studies.

He answered sleepily. Bugger, I hadn't allowed for daylight saving. "Hello, Jacob, this is Phoebe, I have some news for you. Are you alone?"

"Yes," He croaked sleepily. "What is this about exactly?"

"It's about your Dad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but he is sick. Very sick, he has a tumour on his brain."

"Oh shit, is it bad? I mean is he all right?" I pictured in my head that he sat up, ear glued to the phone.

He sounded anxious. "Jacob, he is okay at the moment, but the prognosis isn't good. I'm afraid it's terminal."

"Terminal!" he spluttered, "Is he in hospital? Why didn't he call me?"

"No, he's not in hospital. He is still okay at the moment. He has been given six months."

"Oh shit, bugger." He groaned. "Six month's, shit is that all?"

"Yes, that's all I'm afraid, Hon. The reason he didn't call you himself is he didn't want people to worry, but I didn't think that was fair. Sorry to ask like this, but can you come home now?"

"Oh god, I don't know. I can try."

"Jacob, we don't know how quickly he will go downhill. If you want some quality time with him, then I suggest you come now."

"Yes, of course. Bloody hell, the old man. He's as tough as nails. I don't understand."

"It's a terrible disease, Honey. Totally indiscriminate. He needs you, he's not in a good way. He would hate me saying that to you, but it's the truth."

"Yes, I understand. I can only imagine what it would be like. Can you text me your number. I will stay in touch with travel plans."

When I went back inside the boys had beers, feet up relaxing on the sofa. Music wafted through the house. As I walked past them I kicked their feet off the coffee table, growling, "Go get the barbecue cleaned down. We're having steak for dinner."

Kal sniggered. "Fuck, we just sat down."

"Yeah, well now you can just get up." He gave me a sad poor boy look, but did as I asked. He went outside to clean and fire up the barbecue.

The next day, Jacob called me to explain he was flying out that day. He would be at the batch in three days.

I had to go back home. Work was going to be impossible. We were so short staffed at the hospital.

Kal, stayed on to help out. It was obvious, even though Leo said he didn't want any help, that he loved having us around. Especially Kal. They were closer than brothers.

Jacob was only able to stay for two weeks. I knew it was a tough visit; as difficult as their relationship was. Jacob loved his father. That was obvious by a couple of calls I shared.

It was the week after Jacob went back to the UK when Kal rang. He sounded stressed. "Any chance you could get another few days off?"

"Probably, what's going on?"

"I have to come back. There are some real issues with work that I need to deal with."

"Why do I need time off?"

"I don't think it's a good idea for Leo to be left alone at the moment. He has said some silly shit lately. I tried some other friends, and they are going to drop in, but nobody can stay with him. Not all the time."

"You want me to go up and stay with him?"

"Yeah, if you could. I don't know what to say. The poor bastard needs our help. I need to warn you, though. He's pretty down at the moment. He cries a lot and it's difficult to deal with. Well, it is for me."

"Okay, I'll try to get some time off. No promises, though."

My boss was understanding. It took a day, but I jumped in the car and headed away. Kal met me at the door. He looked tired, his eyes were red and bloodshot. "Thank god you're here," he whispered as we hugged.

I spotted Leo sitting on the sofa. He smiled, but it was forced. I walked over, he stood slowly and we hugged. I felt his body shudder as he sobbed onto my shoulder. We stood swaying, rocking slowly until he had regathered his senses. "I'll just go and put my bags away," I mumbled as I gave Kal a questioning glance.

He followed me into the bedroom where we fell into a passionate hug. "Sorry to do this to you, Hon, it's just, well, I didn't think he should be alone."

"It's okay, Love. You know he is my friend, as well."

"Yeah, but this isn't much fun. He cries a lot and says shit about life not being worthwhile anymore."

"What about while Jacob was here?"

"He was better. It's such a shame he couldn't stay, but at least Jacob got to spend time with him while he was still lucid and able to talk. I think they both appreciated that. He is going to try and come back in a month or so."