Surviving the Death of a Old Friend

"Fuck off, Phoebe. The pair of you can just fuck off. You've been having a right old time, haven't you."

He picked his bags up and threw them in the back of his truck before he climbed in, slamming the door behind him. He leaned out the window. "You can stay here now, bitch. Whatever you do, don't come home, because it will not end well. Fuck, I can't believe how much I hate you right now."

I grabbed at the door handle, I tried to wrench it open, but he held on tight before starting the truck and swinging wildly onto the street, the tyres screeching their disapproval as he raced out towards the main road. I fell into a pile of sobbing incoherent flesh in the driveway. Leo came out and lifted me up into a hug. "I'm sorry, Phoebes, I never even thought about the bloody laundry."

I had no strength, nothing made sense. I held onto his shoulders. "He... only just got here. It' an eleven hour drive. He can't just drive back home. He's in no state to drive."

"Phoebes, he's angry; he'll calm down. Once he thinks about it, he will simmer down. He won't drive all that way. He was tired. He will find a hotel, get something to eat and take some time to process. He needs time to think, that's all."

Unconvinced, I quickly found my phone and rang him. Of course, it went straight to message bank.

I tried over and over, call after call. Every time the same result. Leo held me, I sank against his chest. Oh god the look in his eye's, the hatred, pure undiluted hatred. What the hell was I thinking?

"You heard him, Leo, he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. Phoebes, I have known him my whole life, I know how much he loves, you. He told me so many times. Jesus, girl. He told me he was going to marry you, the first night you met. He loves you. We hurt him, he just needs time."

We rocked and swayed as his grip tightened, I was no longer sure who was holding who up.

Eventually we had to separate, the neighbours were staring as were passersby.

Inside, I finished the fish and prepared to cook it. I tried time and again to phone Kal, but it kept going straight to message bank.

We ate in silence, a deep suffocating gloomy sentence seemed to have fallen over us. We both ate, well, Leo ate. I pushed my food around my plate like a child with a toy bulldozer.

Leo reached over, grabbed my hand, which held my fork. "Stop it. You have to eat. Don't make me force you."

I took a few bites. "What am I going to do? That look of hatred, god I hurt him so much."

"Oh, cut it out. You didn't do anything, we did it together. This is my fault, I will find a way to fix it. I promise. He loves you, we have been mates a long time. I know him, he will be licking his wounds."

"But what if he does hate me? Christ, what if he wants a divorce?"

Leo laughed. "He isn't going to divorce you. Right now, all he wants to do is kill me. He probably wishes I was dead already."

Shocked, I mumbled softly. "No, that anger was all aimed at me."

"That's because he loves you. He thinks, and rightly so, that this is my fault."

After dinner we chilled out. He forced drink after drink into my hand. We smoked some kush and fell asleep in each other's arms. He held me like a child holds a teddy bear.

The morning dawned and it was another bright sunny day. The sun was low in the sky. I decided to let Leo sleep and walk down to the beach. As I wandered down the hill, my heart leapt. There was Kal's truck parked in the carpark by the beach.

I peeked in. It wasn't locked, but he wasn't there.

I walked over the little walkway down to the black sand beach. There he sat, his knees drawn tightly up under his chin.

I sat beside him and he didn't look up. "Did you sleep here last night."

His red swollen eyes glared at me over his arm. "In the truck."

"Why didn't you come back to the house?"

He sniggered, it sounded, cold, snide. "Yeah, and where would I have slept? Sorry, but listening too you two go at it from the spare room doesn't fill me with any joy."

The tears burst forth, and I couldn't stem them. "Kal, I tried to tell you yesterday. It's not like that."

"Then what is it like? Don't try to bullshit me. You have been having sex, haven't you?" His eyes showed the pain.

"Yes, we had sex a couple of times, but you're making it sound like we do it all the time. I promise you, Kal. We have only done it a couple of times?"

"Then why is his room looking more like your room?"

"Because I have been sleeping with him. But that's like brother and sister, like friends. God, you heard how sad, he was. I started sleeping with him out of sympathy, compassion. Hearing him cry himself to sleep every night broke my heart."

He didn't look convinced. "You have had sex, though? Regular sexual intercourse. Like husband and wife?"

"No, I felt sorry for him. All I wanted to do was make his last minutes on this earth bearable. I just wanted to bring some joy to his life."

"Huh, joy, yeah, well you managed that. Christ Phoebes, I'm fucking lonely, as well. Jesus, I am at home wanking every night because I'm horny and alone, while you're up here bonking your fucking brains out."

"I'm sorry, Kal, I know this has hurt you, but we only did it a couple of times. If you don't believe, me ask Leo. He will not lie to you."

"Phoebes, I'm lost. You're treating this like it's all right. I don't care if you had sex once or a hundred times. It's bloody wrong."

"I know, Hon, I'm not trying to trivialise this. I only responded to your claims we were at it like fucking rabbits. I know I hurt you; I know it's wrong."

"Then, explain it. Tell me how this happened. Why is my wife having sex with another man?"

"Because I fucked up, I made a mistake, I let my desire to help out a dear friend get out of hand. I let my need to try and make his life better, to ease his depression, get twisted. I made a mistake. Hon, we haven't had sex but a few times."

I leaned against him, wrapping my arm around him in a loving hug. "I fucked up. I am so sorry. I let you down, I know that. God, I let myself down as well. Please, I am begging for forgiveness. I made a mistake."

"Once is a mistake, more than once is a sustained action."

"No, the mistake was letting myself get trapped in it. I mean, Leo didn't force me, but it feels like I convinced myself you would be okay with it."

"Oh my god, listen to yourself. You know damned well I was never going to be happy, or even accepting, of that decision."

"What can I do, Babe? How can I make this right?"

"I'm not sure you can. Right at this moment, I want to strangle the pair of you. You betrayed me, Phoebe, and with my best friend. How the hell did you think I would feel?"

"I don't know, Babes. I didn't think, I just acted. I know it's wrong, and I acted deceitfully. I wish I could take away that hurt."

He grimaced, his eyes boring into mine. "Yeah, me too."

We sat like that, the damp sand beneath our bums, the morning sun warming us slowly. We leaned together and I couldn't stop crying. It changed, sometimes a flood as I heard his pitiful sobs beside me. Other times, mine, like his, were just trickles.

I lifted his arm and placed it over my shoulder. Thankfully he didn't take it away. Kids came and went, playing football on the beach, playing tag. Some just walking, and as the day warmed up, other people ventured down. They milled around playing, yelling, screaming laughing, chatting. Throughout it all, we just sat there, staring out across the bay.

It was I who had to move, I needed to pee badly. I stood up, faced him and offered my hand. "Come back to the house, Babes, you must be starving. Let me cook you something."

"I'm not going back there so you can laugh at me."

"Honey, nobody's laughing. Leo and I both felt guilty about what happened. Nobody's winning here. He is getting very weak now. The doctors warmed us on the last visit, that the pain will increase. They doubled his morphine dose. They want him to go into hospital, but he refused."

"Yeah, what did you expect. He's not going to get sex from the nurses in there, is he."

The pain was evident, the cuts deep. "Kal, I have to pee. If we're not going back to the house then at least drive me to some decent toilets. The ones here are revolting."

He stood with me, we climbed into his truck and headed around to Kaiteriteri. As we drove past the house I looked in to see Leo, sitting on the front deck, bottle of bourbon in his hand. He would be drunk in an hour if I didn't get back.

I tried again. "Babe, couldn't we go back to the house?"

He slammed on the brakes. "Why, what's to be gained from that?"

"We could talk, you need food, I need to pee. Talk to Leo, he is your friend."

"Some fucking friend. What friend does that to a mate?"

"Somebody who is dying, somebody who has lost everything. Somebody who was clinging on to anything and everything, looking for love."

"You were not his to have, Phoebe. Your body was not yours to give."

That shocked me. "What are you saying? You don't own me, Kal."

"Yes I do Phoebe. We made promises to each other. You promised me your body and soul, and I did the same in return. There is no you and me, there is only us. You broke that bond when you willing gave away what wasn't yours to give."

The hurt on his face, the pain was etched so deep. Through the sniffling tears I whispered. "I'm sorry, you're right. It was selfish. I am sorry."

"Yes it was. I understand how the emotions could get to you. Shit I'm not a fool. I understand how it could happen. What I don't understand is why you lied to me."

"I didn't want to, Hon. God, the number of times I wanted to tell you when we spoke. I really wanted to, but the moment never seemed right. Believe it or not, I didn't want to hurt you."

He spun the truck around and crunched it into gear and we sped the short distance back to the house. I jumped out and ran past Leo, who looked up with a blank look on his face.

I sat on the toilet for what felt like an hour before I dared venture out. I found them sitting side by side on the deck. The bourbon bottle going back and forth.

I went to the kitchen and started to make some lunch. As I worked on lunch, Leo walked in wordlessly, got another bottle and went back out. I heard them talking, crying. Leo apologising, over and over.

By the time I carried the lunch out they had their arms around each other's shoulders. There were still tears, but then the laughter filtered through.

I placed the plate of sandwiches down beside them groaning. "If you morons don't have something to eat, you are going to be written off."

Leo stared up at me and shrugged. "And?"

I snatched the bottle out of his hand, flopped down beside them and took my own gulp of the burning liquid. They chomped away on their sandwiches, as I took another gulp.

"What the fuck am I going to do?" Kal hissed sadly.

"What do you mean, Bro?" Leo asked.

"Well, it's obvious I can't leave you two here by yourselves. I can't trust either of you."

That sent Leo back into tearful apologies. Kal grabbed the bottle and just about emptied it in one long pull.

Leo sparked up a fat blunt and that went along the three of us. There were beers, wine, vodka. By sunset, we were all pretty smashed. I left them to it. Cooked some dinner, put on some music. I sat in the kitchen listening to them relate stories. Some I had never heard before. About how Leo and Kal, both lost their virginity to the same girl, on the same night, Kal making some comment about him stealing her as well.

Leo, who was well used to drinking like this, was still relatively sober, where as Kal was trashed. "Kal, believe me, I never meant to hurt you, Bro. I couldn't take Phoebes from you if I wanted to. She has always loved you."

"Then why is she sleeping with a fucking deadbeat like you? Tell me that, Einstein!"

"Because she felt sorry for me. I'm not an idiot, Kal. The only reason she let me seduce her was she felt sorry for me. Christ, it wasn't her fault. It was all me."

When Kal didn't say anything, Leo spluttered. "Fuck, man, you know how irresistible I am."

"Fuck off. That's why it's so hard to believe. If it'd been some good looking bloke, I could have understood, but you. Nobody wants to fuck you."

"Jesus, you're a mean bastard when you're drunk." Leo laughed.

I carried out the food and they picked at it between gulps. I moaned. "Are you guy's going to move so I can sit down?"

They separated and I slipped between them. Another blunt circulated, along with some beers that Kal brought. I could feel the cold bite of the night sky as it descended over us. I walked back into the house and carried out some big fluffy blankets. I threw the blanket over them and climbed back in between them. We all snuggled up, our legs tucked up. I reached up and kissed Kal, his tongue swirling in my mouth. As we separated I whispered. "I love you, Kal."

He sniggered. "Fuck you, Phoebe, I love you two."

Leo coughed loudly before growling, "Yeah, and I love both of you. You've been my family. I'm sorry, Kal, I really am, Bro."

That was sort of how we went to sleep.

I woke several times during the night, my bladder no match for the cool night air and all we had to drink. I got more blankets and snuggled back in between them. Maybe Leo was right. I hoped so.

The morning brought hangovers and headaches. I made bacon and eggs for all of us. Sober and thoughtful, the conversation of the night before was over. The table was cold, Kal's eyes unforgiving. Any hopes I generated the night before evaporated quickly.

As I cleaned up they went out side and were fooling around with something. Next thing I see is the kayak bounce past the kitchen window. Putting down the wet plates I rushed out onto the deck. "What are you idiots doing?" I asked.

Kal snapped caustically. "We're going fishing."

They had their rods, paddles, and fishing basket in their hands, the kayak resting on their shoulders. The pain in Leo's eyes was easy to read. He was in agony, but he wasn't going to be stopped.

I made some cheese sandwiches, threw in some bottles of soda and watched as they paddled out into the gently lapping waves, Kal barking orders. "Come on, you lazy bastard, paddle."

"Fuck you, Kal, you piece of shit." Leo snapped back. I watched as they disappeared out around the point.

I threw my arms in the air. Stupid shits would be lucky if they didn't both drown.

I tried to make light of it, but I was genuinely scared. On our last visit to the doctor with Leo, the doctor warned him not to overdo things.

I sat down on the beach and waited, and waited. By two O'clock, I was hungry and needed to pee. I went back to the house before returning to the beach. Late afternoon i saw them; they were making their way slowly back in. As they neared the beach. Kal held up a large snapper, behind him Leo held up a couple of gurnard.

There was a fair bit of laughter as they beached the kayak. I helped them pull it in and get it on the beach. Leo was exhausted. Not only that, but he was in real pain.

I helped him as he unloaded, his arm over my shoulder as he collapsed in the sand.

Kal, who had obviously unaware, glanced at me as I started running back towards the house. "I'll get your truck."

When I returned, there were a few people grouped around. They helped us load the kayak on the back and get Leo in the cab.

Kal set about unloading the kayak and I helped Leo inside. He was sweating wildly, and so hot. I got the shower ready and helped him in. As he looked so unstable I pushed in a chair that he used occasionally.

Kal appeared behind me as I picked up Leo's clothes. "Shit, I didn't realise. I shouldn't have talked him into that."

I gave him a hug. "Babe, it's not your fault. If you asked him if he would prefer today like it is, or another six months. He would choose today. He loves you."

Later, we both helped him get into bed and walked out to the living area.

We prepared the fish and wrapped them for tomorrow. I made coffee and we walked outside to catch the last of the sun before it set. As we sat absorbing the warming rays, Kal asked, "So what do we do Phoebe?"

"Kal, all I can do is beg forgiveness. I know I have no right, but it's all I have to offer."

"You know when I found those panties in his bed, I could have happily killed you both. Jail, I wouldn't have cared."

"And now?" I asked hopefully.

"I don't know, Phoebe. I feel like slapping you one minute, and like hugging you the next."

"I'll take the hugs. Shit, I'll even take the slaps if it makes you feel better. Put me over your knee if you want. Spank me."

He sneered. "Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you."

I smiled silently as we sipped our piping hot coffee. "You know, I could have cheated as well." He gave me a sardonic, lazy stare.

"I'm not surprised, Kal. You are a handsome man. I have always felt blessed having you as my husband. I love that other women find you attractive. It makes me proud."

We went back to sipping our drinks and I saw where this was headed. "Okay, Kal, if that's what it takes. You do what you have to and I will accept that as my punishment."

He gave me a questioning look. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're suggesting you want a chance to have sex with somebody else. A revenge fuck. That's what you were getting at, isn't it?"

"No, it bloody isn't," he hissed. "Jesus, I was just saying. I have had offers. I could have done the same thing. I didn't mean I was going to."

"No, Kal, it's only fair. I fucked up. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I will always regret that, and I know there's no way I can take it back. Maybe balancing the books would be fair. I want you to do it."

He sniggered. "You... You want me to have sex with another woman? Yeah... right. I believe that."

"No, I will accept that. It can be my punishment. Please, just don't fall in love with her. Don't leave me, that's all I ask."

We went to bed late, after talking ourselves hoarse. We cuddled in each others arms. I reached down and caressed his cock, but he pushed aside my hand. "No, I'm not ready for that."

It was like a slap in the face. In all our years together, he had never turned me down. I rolled over so he didn't see my tears. I wriggled and squirmed back into him as his arm fell across me. We slipped into the warm confines of sleep. It felt so good to be in his arms.

His words might have said he wasn't ready, but the erection digging into my bum said other things. Just knowing it was there made me sleep easier.

The morning was again back to the cold impersonal chat. Leo eventually got out of bed, but he was in pain. That much was obvious. He went straight for the liquor cabinet. Even Kal could see the agony in his strained eyes. We had the fish for lunch and that brightened the mood, but Leo was weak and didn't want to go outside. We all smoked a little herb and sat around. I noticed Leo was also taking the morphine regularly.

Monday, Kal announced he had to get back to work. I knew he was going, but it hurt. "Do you want me to come with you?" I asked quietly so Leo didn't hear.

"No, Phoebe, we've seen this thing through this far. Leo needs help, I can see that."

He left after many hugs and cuddles. I walked beside his truck as he backed out the drive. "I love you, Kal, never forget that."

He reached for my hand. "I love you, as well."

When we reached the road I spluttered. "Kal, if you want to, or feel like you need to, then you have my permission."

"For what? Jesus, you're still not going on about that are you?"

I nodded. "Yes, and I meant it. You do what you feel is right. I will accept it."

He drove off, shaking his head. Watching the truck disappear over the brow of the hill was terrible. Suddenly, my life felt empty and sad. Somebody had just dumped a fifty tonne load on my shoulders, at least that's what it felt like.