Surviving the Death of a Old Friend

We fell onto the bed, his lips crushing mine. "God I have missed you," he whispered.

His hard body pressed against me making me aware of his needs. "Babe, shut the door."

He laughed as he stood up quickly to lock it.

We stripped like we prepared for a marathon. It was far from that. Our lovemaking was torrid, urgent and over far to quickly for me. Kal finishing in a wild grinding muted scream.

I felt him, explosive and powerful, his need intense.

It was too rushed for me, I enjoyed it, but the pace was to hurried.

We dressed quickly and walked back out into the living area. Leo shook his head in a little chuckle. "You horny buggers."

I blushed and asked, "Have you boy's eaten yet?" Trying to deflect the conversation.

Kal nodded, adding. "Hon, I have to go. I need to be back home tomorrow."

Shocked, I said, "You can't drive overnight. You'll be exhausted. It's too dangerous."

"No, I have to go. This is important, Hon. I have to go."

He already had his bags packed. There were final hugs all around before he jumped in his truck and drove off.

I did some tidying up, Leo just sat there unmoving. It was so hard watching him. He had such a sad expression etched into his face. He looked like he was just waiting to die.

I made a decision, there was still sunlight. I grabbed his arm. "Come on, lazy bones. Let's go for a walk on the beach."

He wasn't keen, his full weight pulled against me. "Come on, Leo, don't make me go by myself."

He sighed deeply and he pushed himself off as I dragged him to the door.

As we walked down to the beach, I lifted his arm over my shoulder and nestled in under his armpit. God he was still an imposing figure: big, burly, my shoulder actually only reached to his armpit.

As we walked I asked, "How are you feeling, Hon?"

He sighed. "I don't know, Phoebe, physically I am okay. A headache, most times, but it is knowing that it's all over, that there's nothing I can do. I feel like I am just waiting for the axe to fall."

"You can't do that, Hon. Let's go into town for dinner tonight. My shout."

"Like hell, if we're going out then I'm paying. I have never in my life let a woman pay when we go out on a date."

I laughed. "A date, huh? Okay then, but we're not going out with you looking like that. You need a shower, and a shave."

He laughed and I felt his arm tighten around me. We paddled our feet in the water before the sun got low in the sky.

There was a little more bounce in his step as we walked back to the batch.

He went in and showered. As I waited for my turn, I unpacked my bags. I needed a shower as well. He walked out wrapped in a towel and I slipped into the bathroom for mine. I took special care with my makeup. I asked him to tidy up, the least I could do is pay him the same respect.

I didn't come prepared for going out, just clean jeans and a nice top.

He gave me a wolf whistle as I walked out, which made me blush. Nice to be appreciated.

"You look pretty good yourself," I whispered.

As we walked out I went to pick up my car keys but he said, "No, if we're going out, we're taking the Triumph."

I shrugged as he went out and got the TR6 out of the shed. I heard the snarling growl as he backed out.

He had the top down and the bright red paintwork shone in the late evening sun.

I jumped in and we headed into town. As we wound around the tight corners, I watched as he slipped the car easily through the gears. The engine was snarling as he ducked into the bends. This was more like the man I remembered. His face beamed. It was a bit scary, but seeing that smile made it all worthwhile. He was in heaven.

I turned up the stereo loud so he couldn't hear my knees knocking. We were in town in no time flat. There wasn't much in Motueka. It's a small town, really only one choice to eat. We had a few drinks and we talked a little. I kept it light, not wanting to spoil his night.

Back at the batch he pulled out a joint and sparked it up. I took a hit and it went back and forth. "Does the pot help?"

He nodded. "Yeah, it takes the edge off."

I nodded as he passed it back. I laughed aloud. "God this takes me back. Remember when we were young?"

He nodded, as well. "Yeah, god it seems like such a long time ago."

He got up and poured us a drink. He poured me a vodka and orange. Phew, my head was reeling. The smoke and the drinks. Shit, if this is how their nights had been going, no wonder Kal looked so worn out. He wasn't much of a drinker these days.

It was well after midnight before we headed off to bed. I climbed into bed and snuggled drunkenly under the duvet. If only my head would stop spinning. As I lay there, I heard him: he was obviously trying to muffle it, but his sobs sounded so painful, agonisingly pathetic. I wanted to go in and comfort him, hold him in my arms.

Waking in the morning, I decided we needed to get out of the house. The look on Leo's face yesterday while we drove into town was such a change. When he rose, I said, "Come on you, let's go for a drive today."

Confused, he replied, "Where do you want to go?"

"What about Takaka? I haven't been over there for years."

He nodded, "Yeah, okay. You're right, I haven't either.

He backed the car out and we hit the road. I was a bit frightened. The Takaka hill is steep and the corners tight. Leo soon had us sweeping through the bends, not as fast as yesterday. I think he was aware of the affect the speed had on me. He drove with purpose and determination, the car responding to his input.

I turned the radio up and sang along with songs that I knew. Leo's beaming face got brighter as he joined in and we were both singing loudly. Wildly out of tune, our heads back, singing our hearts out. Driving into Takaka was like going back in time. It had been many years since we came over here. In fact, the last time Leo was still married to Katherine.

He gave me a beaming smile as he said, "What about the Mussel Inn for lunch?"

It was a fabulous little cafe on the road out to Collingwood. The food was great, the wine was good. It was pleasant as we sat across from each other and he reminisced about the last time he was there. Some girl he was dating and trying to impress.

Back in the car we sped westwards out to Collingwood, where we drove down to the beach and paddled our feet, skipped some stones and just lazed around in the sun.

As we walked back to the car he moaned. "Would you mind driving? I have a killer headache." He threw me the keys and climbed into the passenger seat.

I had never driven the TR6 before. It was his toy and it was one he didn't share. I don't think even Kal had driven it.

He talked me through the hows and what have yous as we rode back towards home. Not as smoothly as when Leo drove, but I slowly got the hang of it. By the time we got to the hill, I was into it, changing gears with authority, snapping the engine forcefully pushing it into the bends.

Leo laughed as he lit up a joint. "You're loving that, aren't you?"

I smiled as I down shifted and put the pedal to the metal, drifting the tail out around a really tight bend. "Oh god, Leo, it's fucking awesome."

He nodded. "Yeah, she's good fun."

He passed me the joint and we turned the music up a bit. He reclined back in his seat and closed his eyes as we sped over the hill.

Back home, he took some pain killers, had a couple of glasses of whiskey as I prepared dinner.

He sure was drinking and smoking a lot of weed, but I guess, with only months to live, who was I to judge? If it made life more bearable, then more power to him.

Over dinner, he poured us both a couple of vodkas and we chilled out a little. I could see he was feeling melancholy, wistful. I asked, "Leo, this might not be a good time, but what do you want to do?"

He gave me a sad look. "I don't know, curl up and die?"

"No, Hon, be serious with me. What about all the legal stuff, your property, all that stuff?"

"Shit, not tonight, Phoebe. Tonight I feel pretty good. Let's leave that for another day."

I cleaned up as he sat on the sofa in the living room and flicked the remote for the stereo. His musical tastes were so closely aligned with mine. I collected my third vodka and sat beside him. I curled my legs up under me and leaned my head on his shoulder.

His arm slipped over my shoulder, not in a creepy way, but warm and comforting. Leo and I had always got on well together. Our relationship was like family. As we sang along with Pink Floyd, he whispered, "You were always the dancer, I remember you dancing all the time."

I nodded, accepting his words. Yes, I did love to dance. In whim, I threw back my vodka in one long gulp, stood and pulled him up. "Dance with me."

He slowly stood and slid easily into my arms. We sort of circled in a little spiral as our bodies melded together.

We both hummed the words quietly as we swayed. It felt nice in his arms. He was a big cuddly bear. A giant, really. Compared to Kal, he was enormous.

I rested my head on his chest, we slow danced along with "Shine On You Crazy Diamond." We even slow danced to "Money."

Hearing him humming and singing along gave me a strong feeling of warmth. He was enjoying it, there were no tears.

The album finished too quickly, and as we walked back to the sofa, he said softly, gently, "Thanks for being here, Phoebe. It means a hell of a lot to me. You really are my best friends, you and Kal."

Kal's name gave me a little shiver. I hoped he was all right. I hadn't heard from him since he left.

"Leo, could you get me another vodka. I'm going to call Kal."

He walked of to get the drinks and I called Kal. He apologised before I could get words out. "Sorry, Babe. Jesus. Work has been bloody hard. I have had issue after issue. Sorry I didn't call earlier."

"Na, it's okay, Hon, I was just worried."

"How's the patient?"

"He's getting me a vodka, right about now."

"You sound like you've had enough already?" he joked.

I tittered a little. "Yeah, he is a bad influence on me, that boy."

He let the conversation hang for a minute before asking. "How are you doing, Hon?"

"I'm going okay. Leo is a bit teary, we go from smiling to crying pretty quick."

"Yeah, I got that as well. Look, how long do you think you can hang in there? I really have to focus on work for a bit."

"I can stick it out to next Sunday, but I have to get back, as well."

"Alrighty, I will try to get up the Friday before that."

"Thanks, Babe, Leo misses you. Apparently I'm not a big enough lush for him."

That night listening to Leo's sobs got to me. It was ripping my heart out listening to him. I sneaked into his room, pulled back his blankets and snuggled up behind him.

"What are you doing, Phoebe?"

"Shush, I needed a cuddle."

I wrapped my arms around him and spooned up nice and tight. "Thanks," was all he said.

We tossed and turned a bit during the night and when we woke in the morning he was spooned up behind me, my head on his arm, the other draped lazily around my waist. Feeling his hot heavy breath on my neck sent shivers down my spine. I tingled all over. "God, it was one of my favourite things with Kal: snuggling and waking like this.

I felt guilty. My heart pounded. My face was red with shame. This was wrong, to be snuggled up like this was so wrong.

I turned my head and looked back at him. He looked so peaceful.

I slipped out from under his arm and went out to the kitchen to make breakfast. It was nearly an hour before he rose. We glanced uncomfortably at each other. I watched as he poured himself coffee.

"Are you all right, Phoebe? I mean, last night."

"We didn't do anything wrong, Leo, it was just a cuddle. I needed that. I miss Kal."

As we swanned around the house it was a bit tense. "Come on, lets go for a walk," I blustered. He didn't seem that enthusiastic, but I grabbed his hand and dragged him out the door.

We walked hand in hand, me swinging our arms crazily as we walked down to the beach. We continued around the rocky outcrop. We had to walk out to our waists in the cool water to get to little Kaiteriteri beach. There were people walking and playing. Leo looked a bit tired. "Do you want to go on?"

He nodded. "Yeah, what, you think I am old and weak or something?"

I laughed, shaking my head at his obstinate retort. We again walked around the point into Kaiteriteri. The tide was coming in and we were left standing on the edge of the rocky outcrop. We emerged on the rocks, staring across the inlet to the beach. Looking at each other I muttered. "We will have to swim?"

I pulled of my T-shirt, he shook his head and grumbled. "Fuck." He lifted off his T-shirt, as well, and wandered out into the water with his T-shirt held up over his head.

Not to be outdone I followed him. As the water deepened I laid on my back and swam back-stroke with my T-shirt held up.

As we stood, saturated, on the other side. I snapped, "Christ, you're trouble. We didn't even bring towels."

We walked up the beach towards the shop. "I need a drink, and ice cream."

He nodded. "Yeah a drink would be nice."

He looked a little frail. "Are you all right, Leo, you look pale."

"Fuck off, don't treat me like an old man, Phoebes. I want to enjoy what time I have left. Being treated like an old invalid isn't helping."

I stopped and pulled him into a hug. "I'm sorry, Hon. I didn't want to upset you. I was just worried."

"Yeah, well worry less, and smile more. Now let's get our arse to the shop."

By the time we got to the shop we had dried off enough to pull our clothes back on.

We sat on the golden sands staring out at the waves gently crashing on the beach.

"Damn it's beautiful here," he said.

I reached across to garb his hand, squeezing tightly I whispered. "You're not wrong sweets. It is lovely."

He squeezed back. "Thank you."

It was late when we got back home, and I could see the life draining a little from Leo. I made coffee and started working on dinner.

He decided coffee wasn't going to cut it. Instead, he made us a couple of cocktails: tequila sunrises, big bright orange drinks. I realised now, when he started drinking the pain was setting in. We toasted and he sank his pretty quick.

When I glanced at him he said. "Go on, hurry up."

"Like hell, I'll be legless if I drink like that."

I sipped mine as he made another. He was on his third by the time I was ready for my second.

We sat out on the little deck as we waited for dinner to cook. He sparked up a huge blunt and we passed it back and forth as we drank our drinks. He gave me a little glance. "Phoebes, please promise me you'll look after Kal. I know he loves you so much, and he's my Bro."

"Why would you say that?" I asked. "Shit, Leo, I love that man with all my heart."

"Yeah, I know, I'm not going to be around to help you guys celebrate your golden wedding anniversary. I just want you to know how much I love that guy."

"Hon, I love him as well, and I love you just as much. You're the big brother I never had. I do love you, as well. You've always been there for us."

"That's what family does, right?"

We finished our drinks and I called him in for dinner.

It was such an awesome night that we went back outside and he made us more cocktails and we got a blanket and curled up on the big cane sofa thingy on the deck. We watched the stars, smoked another doobie and fell asleep in each others arms out on the deck.

I woke up about three AM, it was cold, even with the blanket. I had to wake Leo and drag him inside. I tucked him into his bed and as I went to walk away he held up the blanket. "Please don't go."

I slipped under the covers and snuggled against him. His croaky snores soon serenaded us as we lay in each others arms. I was shocked as he snuggled behind me. He had a hard on and it dug into my bum as we lay together.

I knew he was asleep, and what he was dreaming of, I had no idea, but he was feeling horny.

God, he wasn't the only one. I was feeling it, as well. I eventually fell asleep. There is lots to be said for being wrapped in the strong arms of a big man.

I woke earlier than Leo, his husky morning breath moist and damp on my neck.

He woke in a good mood and in some crazy hand waving said, "C'mon, let's go."

He went out and backed the TR6 out, and before I could argue, we were on our way. He drove, as always, with skill and determination. We stopped off in Mot for coffee before driving down to Nelson Lakes. It was a fun day, the drive fun, even although it was a bit cloudy and overcast, the mood was high. We sang along with the radio and I waved my arms crazily in the air. We argued over who was Thelma, and who was Louise.

That drive became our norm during the days. We drove all over the place. He always drove there and I drove back. He grew to trust and even enjoy my driving. He encouraged me to drive the car rather than just steer it. He changed my perspective and I grew to love driving, especially the TR6.

Our evenings were filled with music and love. We danced a little, we cuddled on the sofa as we listened. It was emotional. We found lots of things to talk about.

The second week I got a shock: my daughter Drew rang to ask if I could pick her up from the airport. She was coming for a visit.

When I rocked up in the TR6 she was shocked. "Jeez, Mum. How come Uncle Leo let you drive his baby?"

"He is feeling a little soft these days, Babe."

I took the time to take in a long look at her. She looked sensational. How we managed to generate something so gorgeous astounded me. She was petite, with long swirling hair, big gooey eyes.

As we drove of with the snarling exhaust heralding our adieu, Drew gave a little squeal of delight.

Once underway she asked, "So how is Uncle Leo doing?"

I shrugged. "He is putting on a brave face, but he is in a bit of pain."

She cringed. "He was always so tough."

"He still is, sweets. But this thing is breaking him."

She grabbed my hand as I changed gear. "How are you going, Mum?"

Lifting her hand to kiss it, I replied, "I'm okay. I feel for Leo. Sweets, you have to cut him some slack. He is drinking a fair bit at the moment. It's his way of dealing with the pain. He has refused to have Chemo, or anything else."

"God he's a stubborn bugger." She sighed.

"Sure is."

When we pulled up at the batch, Drew jumped out of the car before it was fully stopped and ran inside, squealing like a girl.

When I walked in she was swinging from Leo's arms as he twirled her around. "Uncle Leo." She sighed. "It's so good to see you."

His smile widened as he held her tighter. "Not as good as it is too see you, Angel."

I could see his face tighten as she held on tighter, the anguish and pain clearly evident. He put her down, staggered a little and she quickly reached out to support him. "Shit, I'm sorry, I never thought."

He grinned. "It's all right, Angel. No harm done."

They sat and talked as I started dinner. I could hear her going on about Uni and friends. He laughed along with her. They had always had a tight relationship.

After dinner, Drew and I went for walk down by the beach. "Mum, he looks so normal, a little fragile, but you would never know."

"I know, sweets, it's all happening on the inside. I'm glad you saw him like this, because when he goes downhill, it will happen quickly.

We hugged tightly before returning to the house. Leo already had a big blunt sparked up. He hesitantly passed it to Drew, who accepted quickly. She took a big hit before passing it on to me. Seeing my shocked expression she giggled, saying, "Come on, Mum, don't pretend like you didn't try it at Uni."

Taking the blunt and a hit I just shook my head. "Kids!"

We had a couple of drinks before Drew cried off, saying, "You guys are too much. I'm going to bed."