Surviving the Death of a Old Friend

Poor Leo, he looked terrible. He looked so bad I took him back to bed and tucked him in. Unusually, he went off too sleep, quickly. It wasn't till I checked his medication that I realised how much morphine he had taken.

I monitored him pretty closely; during monitoring, I took a closer look at him. He had aged so much in such a short period of time. This was taking a huge toll on him. Over the next few days, Kal and I stayed in touch every day. It was like when I first came to nurse Leo. Either that or he didn't trust me, but it was nice to hear from him so often.

The side effect was boredom. I couldn't even go to the beach, I was afraid to leave him alone. He was bed ridden, and I was house bound.

He did improve, slowly but surely, he got a little brighter, cheekier. That was the give away sign he was on the improve. Food, his appetite returned, and with it his taste for liquor.

As his strength returned, we started going down to the beach, drives in the car. Not long all day adventures, but local areas we had never been to before.

I guilted his friends into visiting more regularly. His son rang every day. Even Drew came for a visit. Damn it, was good to see her.

It happened so quickly. One minute he was improving, then bam. He fell off the wall. The pain was terrible. We went back to hospital. The doctor was honest, and said, "Leo, I think it's time to consider Hospice. Palliative care."

He looked horrified. "No fucking way, doc. If I'm going to die, I want it to be at home, in my own bed."

The doc glanced at me. "Are you prepared for this, Phoebe? It will be hard."

"I want whatever is best for Leo. I promise, I will take good care of him."

"It's going to be hard. We can get a proper bed, and medication. The district nurse can help."

I nodded, I tried to look strong, but inside my head spun. This was happening so fast.

Leo's bedroom turned into a hospital ward: IV drips, adjustable bed. We even hired a motorised wheelchair, so we could still get down to the beach.

Kal looked shocked when I took the phone in to Leo so they could video chat. Later, in tears he asked, "How long does he have?"

"Not sure, Hon, but not long. Please don't wait too long before coming back."

"Shit, I'm stuck this weekend. Taking those extra days off put me right behind the eight ball."

"Okay, just be warned, it could happen quickly."

"Have you notified Jacob?"

"Yes, he said he was coming home straight away, but Leo talked him out of it. He said, they saw each other, he wanted Jacob to focus on his studies."

"Okay, I will try to get up next week."

With the mixture of medication, alcohol and the pot. Leo was spaced out. He no longer sounded coherent. The nights, they were terrible. I brought my bed into his room, but I felt this over whelming need to comfort him. I know it was wrong, I couldn't justify it in any way, but I went back to sleeping with him.

It was uncomfortable and awful, but at least he was in my arms. He felt a human heartbeat on his.

It came as a shock when one morning after showering and getting breakfast, I barged into the room and caught him masturbating. I don't know who got the biggest shock. His face went red, well redder. He stopped and sighed. "Fuck, couldn't you have knocked or something?"

I walked over, placed his food on the bed. "Sorry, I didn't think."

"I may be dying, but I still have urges you know. And having you in my bed every night just makes them even more urgent. Phoebes, you're a beautiful sexy woman, and having your gorgeous body next to me, well, sometimes."

I interrupted. "Stop, there's no need to explain, or justify. I just thought with all the meds you might not get that urge."

"Fuck, you have to be kidding. Phoebes, you are a beautiful sexy woman. You feel so god damned sensuous, you smell delicious and you look spectacular."

"Don't play the flattery game, Leo."

"God, I was just being honest. Don't undersell yourself, girl. You are hot."

I walked out pulling the door closed behind me. "You have half an hour. Do your worst."

When I went back in he looked uncomfortable. "What's the matter, Hon?"

He smiled evilly. "I need a sponge bath."

I laughed loudly as I ran some hot water in a pan. "Got a wet sticky patch have you?"

He sniggered. "Yeah, surprised you didn't feel it?"

"Me, why would I feel it?"

"Guess." Was all he said.

We spent the day flirting, he was outrageous. Some of his comments were pretty funny, some filthy.

We took a walk down the beach. His wheelchair was motorised, otherwise there was no way I could push him back up the hill. We took supplies. Vodka was now his drink of choice. We took pot. Every night becoming a little party.

In bed snuggled together, me cuddled up behind his back. I reached over to take the joint from his fingers and my hand brushed his erection, strong and proud it jerked as my hand rubbed across him.

"Fuck, Leo, does that thing ever go down?"

"Not when you're in my bed."

I tried to ignore it, but he caught me off guard. "Phoebes, would you be disgusted if I jerked off?"

"What, while I'm lying here beside you?"

"Yeah, like right now."

I felt the bed shake a little. "You're already doing it, aren't you?"

"Sorry," he whispered dryly. "Couldn't wait."

I reached over, slipped my hand over his, I stroked him a couple of times. "Phoebes, I wasn't asking."

"Shut up, or I'll make you finish alone."

At least it was quick, his fat cock jerking wildly in my hand as he squirted all over his chest. He looked at me imploringly and we kissed. A long sexy juicy kiss. As we separated he cried, his eyes full of relief. "Thank you, Phoebes. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it."

I climbed out of bed, returned with the sponge and dried him off before climbing back in with him.

I know a lot of people would crucify me for doing that, but it felt right. It's not until you're placed in situations like it that you understand.

Kal, true to his word, arrived the following week. The change in Leo was immediate. He spent more time in the living room with all of us sitting around, enjoying drinks, short walks. But the more we did, the quicker he faded.

Kal was stuck; he wanted to stay, but work and our future needed him back in Dunedin. It was another sad farewell as he drove off.

The end came quickly after that visit. It started during the night, he got a hard on, a rager. He placed my hand on it and I willingly stroked him to a full erection. His breathing was shallow, erratic. He whispered. "When I was a kid, I read a book. At the time it was pretty scandalous. In it, there was a line that I have always remembered. A guy was dying. He got his nurse to jack him off, and then he said. 'Going is so much better than coming.' I wonder if that's true?"

I stroked a little faster, his cock, hot and throbbing as my hand moved up and down his tumescent shaft.

"Fuck, Phoebes, that feels so good. Make me come, god please, just once more. I want to feel that."

His breathing became more urgent, his cock started to soften. "Please," he begged. "Don't stop, Babe, keep going."

He seemed completely lost. I stroked faster and faster, but his cock wasn't playing the game. He softened even more, and I wanted to stop.

His other hand reached around my head and pulled me down into a kiss. His tongue rampant and wild. His cock gave a hard surge, the kiss empowering him.

My hand was a blur as I stroked him to an orgasm of enormous proportions. He jerked wildly, his feet kicking, his arm so tight around my neck I feared for my life.

As his ejaculation subsided, his breathing softened with his penis. "Christ, Phoebes. Jesus, that was powerful. Thank you."

"God you're a dirty bugger, Leo."

He sniggered softly. "Yeah, but you love me, don't you?"

I leaned down, kissed him lightly on the lips. "Yeah, rat bag. I love you."

"It's true, that bit from the book. Bloody hell, I would happily die after that. Wow, what a way to go."

"Stop it, you pervert. You're not going to die. Look how much spunk there is, must be a bloody tablespoon full."

He chuckled. "I don't care. Phoebe, thank you. I can't say it enough. These last few months would have been bloody lonely and miserable without you."

"Stop it, you're going to make me cry."

"No, don't cry for me, my love. I just want you to know. I do love you, of all the women in my life. You have been the best, and when I say I love you. I mean it. Kal, is a lucky bastard."

I giggled as I trailed my finger through his sticky cum. I nodded. "Yes he is. I just hope he remembers that."

I climbed out of bed to get the warm flannel for his clean up. When I returned he looked odd, his head was on a funny angle. As I stood over him, I realised. He was gone. It took me several moments to get my bearings.

As much as you prepare yourself for this moment, you're never really prepared. I quickly washed him down, called the hospital and informed them he had passed.

I called Kal, when I glanced at the clock it was after midnight. He answered on about the tenth ring. "Hello?" His voice was slurred, croaky.

"Hon, sorry, but Leo has passed."

"Oh fuck. Are you okay? Is there somebody with you?"

"No, I'm waiting for the ambulance, and police now."

"Oh shit, was it sudden? Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm okay., yes it was quick. Very quick."

"Christ, I'm sorry, Babes. I'm leaving right now. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Take your time, sweets. He's gone. Whatever you do, drive safely. Don't speed, or take chances. The police will be here soon."

The funeral was a solemn affair. Jacob was distraught. He leaned on Kal for support.

After the funeral, we had a small gathering at the batch. There was only a few of Leo's closer friends and Jacob and Drew.

As Kal and I focused on mingling and looking after the guests. Drew and Jacob sort of formed their own grieving support group. Watching them together caused a little stir. When they were younger I did harbour a little fantasy that Drew and Jacob would fall in love.

Unfortunately, they were different people; they were more like fighting siblings than lovers. Oh well, watching them together now was warming. They leaned on each other, wiped away tears, hugged.

The guests all left and we walked down to the beach with a bottle of Leo's favourite bourbon. It wasn't a wonderful night. The clouds were low, the temperature was bracing as a gentle but cool breeze drifted aimlessly across the bay. We toasted to Leo, father, friend, uncle.

Jacob hugged me tight after the toast. Drew and Kal joined in and we all stood arms linked, bracing against the chilled night air.

Jacob and Drew left two days later. Kal and I had to stop off at the solicitors office. This was going to be the hard part. I was scared to tell Kal about Leo's bequest. The house and car. I don't know why I was worried, perhaps because Kal was so damned independent and he might see it as Leo paying for our indiscretion.

We sat together in the offices. Mr, Evans, the solicitor, did a brief introduction and I watched Kal as he started to go into the details of the bequest.

When he heard that Leo had left the TR6 to us. He frowned, turned and squinted at me.

When he heard the bit about the Stephen's Bay house also being left to us. I saw his eyes bulge, his brow furrow. His lips quivered as he nodded silently.

When he heard, which was a shock to me, as well, that he left two hundred thousand dollars, I thought he was going to lose it. He struggled to bite back whatever he was going to say. It was with shaky hand that he signed the documents. He didn't say one single word.

Outside, as we walked down the stairs out into the main street, he strode off, his steps long and purposeful. I struggled to keep up. "Kal, sweetheart, slow down, Hon."

There was no break in his step. It wasn't until we were locked in his truck he turned and hissed. "Did you know about all that?"

I nodded. "Some of it, the car and house, but the money, no, I didn't know about that."

"Did he think that he could buy me off? Is that what that was for? He thought he could just wave his hand and I would forgive him, and you? Or did you do it for cash?"

"Fuck you, Kal, I'm not a fucking whore. I didn't know anything about it until the end. He wanted to do something nice for both of us, not just me. He loved you, he bloody told you that himself."

"He can stick his fucking house up his arse. I don't want any of his shit."

He slammed the truck into gear and we headed for home. It is a long drive back to Dunedin, even with the heater going it was cold. The atmosphere was dark and foreboding.

We got to Murchison before he even spoke. "Do you want something to eat?"

I nodded, god, anything to get out of that truck. It felt like a cold energy was crushing us.

"Have you spoken to the hospital? When do you go back to work?" he asked.

"No, not yet. I assume they will want me to start straight away."

That was it. We finished our food, had a toilet break and we were back in that damned truck. Two hours and not a word: he didn't turn on the radio, and I was too scared. We sat in stony silence. The pressure was building, by the time we got to Christchurch, I could hold it back no longer.

"Talk to me, Kal, anything, just say something," I blurted out.

He glanced at me and I watched pain, or anger, twist his face into a painful mask. "I can't, Phoebe, I am afraid once I start I won't be able to stop. I have been trying to keep all this shit bottled up. I hoped I would be able to get past what happened, but today. No, I'm sorry, but that was too much."

"Why? What was so bad. Your best friend tried to do something nice for you, for us."

"No he didn't, he tried to buy my forgiveness. That was something I have been trying to deal with on my own."

His bitter words pressed me back in the seat. "I'm sorry, I thought you had already forgiven me."

The ferocity of his response shocked me, his angry bark. "Well I fucking haven't. I am trying, because I love you, but it's not that simple or easy, is it?" He glared angrily, his nostrils flared, twitching.

"I know I did the wrong thing, but Leo was just trying to do something nice. He was so grateful for what we did for him."

"No, he was grateful for what you did. Must have saved him a fortune in hookers."

"Wow, you really are bitter. I didn't do it for money. I did it because I felt sorry for him. Because his life was over and he had nothing to live for. All I was trying to do was offer him a little solace."

"Yeah, so you said. Funny how you don't have to sleep with the patients at the hospital."

I sensed his anger was escalating, nothing I said or could say was going too help. I bit my tongue, swallowing my response.

We returned to the foreboding suffocating silence. Walking in at home was an eerie experience. It had been three months since my last return home. The house felt different, empty. Yes, it was neat and tidy. Kal hadn't shirked his housekeeping promises.

Maybe it was the cold atmosphere, the lack of love. It was late, I decided on a bath and straight to bed.

Kal was already in bed when I walked out of the bathroom. He had his bedside light out and was rolled over, facing the outside.

I dried quickly and climbed in beside him. On my other trips away, I looked forward to this, my own bed, my husband in my arms. Tonight, it was an awkward, unnatural feeling of anxiousness that smothered those emotions.

I cuddled up behind him, I wriggled to find the best fit. He didn't fight me off, but there was no welcoming either. I kissed his neck, whispering. "Goodnight, sweets."

"Yeah, sleep tight," was his terse response.

He wasn't going to say it, so I did. "I love you, Hon, it's so nice to be home."

It had been a stressful drive, in fact, a stressful week. Sleep was quick to overtake me.

I woke in the morning to find Kal already gone. I checked my phone and it was only seven-thirty. There was no cup of tea, or coffee. No kiss to say goodbye. Nothing.

Once up, I rang the hospital to say I was home and available. I was hoping for a few days off, but Dunedin was in the grip of its annual fight against cold and flu cases. The hospital was swamped and short staffed. It was going to be back to work immediately, no slow start, and because I had taken leave without pay. I lost privileges that I had enjoyed over the last few years: shift work being the most notable. I was being shunted onto afternoon shifts for the next week.

I hated the four till midnight shift more than any other. It was totally unsociable. Not getting home till midnight meant no chance to talk or smooth things over with Kal, no meals together, no cuddling up on the sofa.

Kal was late home, and dinner was on the table when he got home. I tried to open dialogue. "How was your day?" The usual stuff, although he wasn't short with me, there were no open questions; all his answers were carefully chosen to cut off conversations, rather than build them.

Even when I said I was going to be on afternoon shifts, he just replied, "Oh, bugger."

So that's how it went over the next week. I got home at midnight, or later. He was always in bed and asleep, or feigning sleep. He was always rolled over on his side. He never let me know he was happy for me to be there. No welcoming.

I snuggled up beside him, wrapped my arm around him and held tight. I made sure I gave him a kiss goodnight.

Over the period of the week, what did change was when I rolled away from him, he snuggled behind me. His arm draped over me and held me. When I felt him move behind me I lifted my head and his strong arm slid under my head and I rested my head back into the crook of his arm. You might think that wasn't much, but for me it was a win, a huge win. It showed me he still loved me, it was a start.

It was halfway through the next week before I was able to wriggle my way off afternoon shift. The downside was nights. It meant starting at eleven at night and working through to six in the morning. I hated it, but it was better than afternoons.

It meant Kal and I actually got to spend time together, talking, having dinner together. Cuddling on the sofa. I wanted to talk about what happened, but I was afraid of losing the ground we had made up.

Our conversations eased into our usual topics, work, funny stories. Drew called, as well, and that gave us an always warm topic. We were rebuilding, I felt it, the ice wall was receding. When we cuddled on the sofa, there were kisses, hugs, and I noticed he was erect.

Thank god, because I was going up the wall. The sexual tension was horrendous. For the first time in ages, I masturbated. Anything for a little relief from the burning tension.

I wondered if Kal was doing the same? He obviously was, because over the years our sexual needs had meshed and our desires very similar. I guessed he did it in the shower, it was really the only time we were apart, aside from when I was at work...

Thankfully, I finally got back onto day shifts and we synced properly. Our first lovemaking was weird. I instigated it, there was no hiding from either of us. We both wanted, needed it. There was only one thing missing, intimacy. Yes, it's possible to have sex with no intimacy.

We kissed, we fondled, caressed, orgasmed. What was missing was the gentle words of encouragement, the soft moans of pleasure, the coos and sighs. I made sure I said I love you over and over. I included the I love you with sexual encouragement, as well. Things like, "God I love having you inside me."

It took time; I suppose it had to. The first time he responded with anything vocal was the morning I woke him with a blow job. Not unusual for us, but the first since my return. I made it special, I sucked slowly, deeply. I made love to his cock with my mouth. I didn't rush, I worshipped at the alter of Kal. I kissed his balls, I sucked them softly and gently as I stroked his powerful throbbing shaft.