All Comments on 'Telepathy Ch. 01'

Nice start and I especially like the directions you went along with the strange dichotomy of character choices and their personalities. You threw me with the mafia princess as a best friend and confused me why Rachel would piss in a water bottle to have her boyfriend drink it. I understand pranks but most people wouldn’t think that was the best move with a new boyfriend. This one seems like it is going to take some seriously strange turns but that should make it a fun read I hope.

Knowing your previously stories, Sofia will steal Murphy and Rachel will find a way to get him back. Knowing her father is in the mafia, Rachel will get kill in the final chapter?

Did I get it right?

You should try to avoid repeating information so much. It was mentioned like 3 times that Sofia dated 5 guys before but didn't have sex with them and only did so for popularity's sake. And like 6 times that Sofia likes to suck dick. There are other examples I won't mention but dude we get it, constantly saying the same thing in new ways makes this a slog to read through.

You've got a talented mind for coming up with stories, but your writing style needs some serious work. Stop repeating the same information, your readers aren't a bunch of slack jawed drooling idiots. Once is enough, better yet, hint at some information and get the reader to come to the conclusion themselves and you'll see your ratings go up.

Tell me you haven't been married to a sadist whore without telling me lol she gave him the piss for 2 reasons First, she gets off on it. Humiliation, pain, degradation 2nd it was a litmus test. I'm surprised she even said it was tea. It's to see if he would say anything. He didn't even say why is tea salty! Perfect for her lol the repeating not that bad I'd fix the parts that say the boy the girl. Sofia should thought how he isn't a jerk like her ex and think more about saving not stealing him from R. If you want her to be more likable.