The Babysitter Pt. 10

STEFAN

Stefan was mortified. Ash had told him to shut up--and he'd tried his best--but the shockwaves of pleasure that'd been radiating through his body had been so overwhelming; he, honestly, couldn't help himself, but the fact that they'd gotten caught because of him... Even though Adrian was his best friend and they'd been through some shit together, he didn't know how he was going to look him in the eyes ever again.

But he couldn't deny that he also felt a little bit relieved. Anytime the thought of telling Adrian that he was seeing his little brother (or at least that he had been; if they were still together was yet to be determined) crossed his mind, he got caught up on how exactly he was going to do so. At least this way, now he didn't have to.

He did, however, have to figure out if there would be anything more to tell Adrian or if this was just a one and done situation.

Turning to face Ash, he found him already looking in his direction. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his hair looked like it hadn't been washed in a few days. His expression was full of storm clouds, but, God, he was beautiful.

When Stefan had woken up Friday morning and found that Ash wasn't in bed with him, he'd been disappointed. He'd quite enjoyed waking up next to his young lover, their long limbs tangled together, trading kisses and soft hellos. When Ash left his bed, he left his pillows smelling sweet and fragrant like his shampoo, but there were no signs of his body or trace of his smell, leaving Stefan confused.

He vaguely remembered Ash getting up to use the bathroom, but he'd fallen back to sleep before he'd returned... But maybe he'd never come back?

He hadn't thought Ash would leave without saying goodbye, especially after the night they'd had.

They'd had sex--real body-joining, soul-revealing, earth-shaking, mind-blowing sex--and he'd meant what he'd said afterward; it was the best sex he'd ever had. It wasn't just because Ash's ass had gripped his dick like a vice, introducing him to sensations he'd never felt before. It was because it had been with Ash. Never had he lost himself so completely with another person; there'd been so much carnal passion between them. Never had he felt so deeply and wanted to please so much; he'd felt spiritually enlightened. Ash brought out a whole new side of him. Not just a queer one, but one that felt largely and wholeheartedly. Ash brought a side of him that he hadn't been sure existed, but it seemed like that side was just waiting for the right person before showing itself.

So the idea that Ash would have left after all of that didn't make sense to him. The only other place Stefan thought he could've been was in Luca's room, but when his search turned up empty and he was nowhere to be found anywhere in the house, he'd immediately gotten worried, further fueled by Ash not answering when he called him twice.

He shot off a few texts, but those had gone unanswered as well. After an hour without a response, he'd reached out to Adrian only to find out that Ash was at home asleep in his bed. Stefan was left to wonder what had changed in those few hours.

When the weekend had come and gone and he still hadn't heard from him, he'd resigned himself to the idea that Ash needed some space from him, no matter how much he hated it. (Though, he temporarily forgot himself and his commitment when he'd started drinking, finding out what he'd done when his alarm woke him the next morning. He almost never drank more than two beers--something to give him a nice buzz--but he'd been distraught enough to crack open his "special occasion" liquor.)

It was crazy how off-kilter he'd felt without Ash's presence. He'd felt like his heart was beating a different rhythm, but now that he was here in front of him, he was back in tune. Now, he just had to make it last.

He opened his mouth to speak, but Ash started to say something at the same time. They traded sheepish smiles.

Stefan asked, "Is it okay if I go first?"

"Yeah." His voice was quiet. 

He wanted to reach out and touch him; it had been too long since his fingers had been in contact with his skin, but he kept his hands to himself.

Clearing his throat, he started, "I'm sorry. Whatever it is that I did to hurt you, I'm sorry. If I can, I'll do whatever needs to be done to make things right. And I--I understand if you don't wanna be intimate anymore, but please don't cut me out of your life." He stepped forward. "I don't think I could stand it."

Ash shook his head. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Then what happened?" Stefan took another step closer. If he extended his arm, he could wrap his fingers in the material of his shirt, pull him closer, but he was (impatiently) exercising patience. He didn't want to scare him away.

He looked like he wasn't going to answer, but a moment later, he threw his hands in the air, letting them drop with a slap to his thighs.

With a heavy sigh, he said, "I know I said I just had a crush on you, but I lied. I'm in love with you, Stefan, and throughout this whole... 'collaboration'"--he made air quotes with his fingers--"of ours, I thought I could just have fun and not involve any feelings, but the more we hung out, and, you know, you cooked dinner for me and bought me flowers--it seemed like you had feelings for me too.

"But you never said anything, so I didn't know if you were just trying to be nice. Like, 'Hey, as a token of my sexual appreciation, here's dot dot dot,' or what." He shrugged. "It was not knowing how you felt--not knowing if my feelings would ever be reciprocated--that made me step back. I was trying not get my heart broken."

Stefan's brows furrowed. He rubbed a hand over his jaw. Though he and Ash hadn't been fooling around with each other for long, he was sure he'd said something over the course of the last few weeks... but he was drawing a blank.

Scratching the back of his neck, he said, "I guess we haven't really talked about what we've been doing, and that is mostly on me, but you could have asked me, Ash. I would've--"

Ash vehemently shook his head, and Stefan stopped mid-sentence.

"I couldn't, though. Like--like, I'm the first guy you've been with; that's not to say that, like, your whole identity has changed, but it's not something to just gloss over either.

"Asking you how you felt about me or if you saw a future for us outside of fucking would've been me basically asking you to make a decision about who you are or how you wanna label yourself. Coming to terms with your sexuality is something you have to do on your own time, and I didn't wanna put any added pressure on you. The plan was simply to be there for you until you didn't need me or didn't want me anymore."

It was Stefan's turn to shake his head, unable to believe Ash thought he would ever not want him anymore, but also unable to believe he'd been so blind.

"And, you know," Ash continued, "there was that unwavering fear of rejection constantly stirring at the back of my mind. That I'd been misinterpreting everything that's happened between us, and if I did ask, you'd say you didn't feel the same way."

Without waiting a moment longer, Stefan finally closed the gap between them; he took Ash's face in both of his hands and kissed him. He poured all of his want and hope and desire and need into that kiss. He tried to say everything he hadn't said before.

When they broke apart, he didn't let go of Ash's face. He pulled back far enough to meet his eyes. "I do have to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know you needed me to tell you how I felt about you. I thought what I was doing was enough. Because, you know, even though I talk for a living, at the end of the day, it's really someone's actions that determines the verdict, and I guess I've, unconsciously, adopted that as a practice in my own life."

Ash pressed a soft kiss to his palm. "And that's okay. Now that I, like, really think about it, it makes sense that your love language is acts of service, maybe mixed with physical touch," he said, as Stefan's thumb gently caressed his cheek. "Mine are words of affirmation and quality time, and without knowing that about each other, it makes sense that we kind of ended up here."

Stefan nodded, digesting Ash's words. "I think we've got the quality time part down, but to make sure I don't mess this up again, you need me to communicate more about how I feel about you? Or is there another aspect?"

"Yes, and yes. I mean, I want you to tell me how you feel about everything--or anything that you wanna tell me--but I feel most loved, encouraged, and appreciated when you tell me. And though I've never really received one, the idea of love notes makes me a little feral."

"Well, we'll definitely have to fix that." Stefan kissed Ash again, sweetly. "It's gonna take me some time to get used to being more vocal about my emotions, but I'm gonna try and I'm gonna need you to try too. I understand, in this instance, why you didn't ask how I felt; I appreciate your desire to give me space to...  discover myself, but I don't want you to ever feel like you can't ask me how I'm feeling, okay?"

"Okay." He nodded.

"Good. In an attempt to make good on that"--Stefan slid his hands down Ash's arms and laced their fingers together--"Ash, you deserve and are worth so much more than what I've been giving you, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I'm so into you and that you are so special to me. I mean, I didn't know what to do with myself these last couple of days. The thought that you might not want to see me anymore made me sick to my stomach because you're my favorite person.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I've never slept with someone I didn't have feelings for. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I'm not in any rush to label my sexuality because whether I'm gay or bi or pan or whatever, it doesn't change how I feel about you or us, and"--he gently squeezed his hand--"I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I want to be with you, Ash. I can't promise you won't have to remind me to say what's on mind again, but I want to be with you, for real. I want to explore every possibility with you. That is, if you'll have me."

Ash's eye were full of unshed tears.

"I'm hoping those are happy tears?"

"They are." Ash nodded. "It's just been an eventful couple of days, and I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed right now."

"Can I do anything to make it better?" Stefan rubbed small circles on the back of his hand.

"Kiss me," he said, "And tell me again what you want."

Stefan took a step forward, and Ash took a step back. Ash caught himself, his fingers wrapped around the edge of the island. Stefan placed his hands on either side of his lover and leaned in. Brushing the tips of their noses, their breaths mingled.

Pressing their lips together, he said, "I want this." He kissed him again. "I want you." And again. "I want us."

Ash wrapped his arms around Stefan's neck and rested his forehead against his. Stefan's hands circled Ash's waist. He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the weight and the heat and the feeling of having the man he was enamored with (he wasn't quite ready to say loved yet, but he imagined it wouldn't be long before he was) in his arms.

Stefan couldn't see but he heard the smile in Ash's voice when he said, "I guess we can give this thing a shot."

"Yeah?" Stefan's couldn't keep his own smile contained. His chest was warm and full of happiness. He tightened his hold on Ash's waist, pulling him impossibly closer.

"Yeah." He nodded, their foreheads rubbing together.

It was unclear who moved first, their mouths crashing together in a flurry of longing and passion and excitement. Hands skimmed over skin; fingers tangled in hair, and their lips met over and over in contented bliss.

Stefan's hands slid under Ash's thighs and lifted, setting him on the marble countertop. Ash's ankles crossed behind Stefan's back, anchoring him in place.

"Didn't Adrian say--"

"Shh, shh, shh," Ash said, tilting Stefan's head back and licking into his mouth.

Stefan's mind went blank as Ash pressed his thumbs into the rigid column of his throat. His mouth trailed kisses across his jaw and down his neck. His teeth raked through his stubble (because he'd been too distracted this weekend to worry about shaving), sinking into the soft skin right above his collarbone and sucking. That was definitely going to leave a mark, and Stefan couldn't care less. But there was one thought...

"Should we--" Stefan started.

"Take this to my room?" Ash finished. His fingers threaded through Stefan's hair before recapturing his lips.

Stefan shook his head. "I have to go pick up Luca."

Ash tore his mouth away. "Oh, shit." He put his hands firmly on Stefan's chest to hold him at bay. He glanced quickly at the clock on the stove. "It is late. Go get little man."

"Do you wanna come with me?" Stefan twirled a lock of Ash's hair around his finger.

"Of course, but I don't trust myself right now to keep my hands off of you..." He punctuated his statement by running his hands down Stefan's shoulders; his eyes followed the path his hands took.

Stefan nodded. "I don't wanna hide us from anyone, but I wanna ease into this with Luc. Get an idea of what he understands before telling him."

"Totally." Ash agreed. "100%."

"Which brings me back to my original question: should we take this slow? We are kind of doing things backward."

"Slow how?"

Stefan shrugged. "Let me take you on a proper date. There's a pop-up gallery happening Friday at the old Shoal's building. One of the artists is a client of ours. We can go to dinner and figure the rest out from there. Together."

Ash's smile made Stefan's heart swell.

"I like the sound of that."