The Backbone of Love

Early on in the rehab process, a physical therapist came to his bedside to begin passively ranging his lifeless legs. Troy was initially more confused than angry that his brain was someone not connecting to the nerves and muscles in his lower body. He would will them to move... beg and pray for his legs to move... without even the slightest twitch as a response.

Equally as perplexing was when the physical therapist arrived one morning carrying puny hand weights and discovered that he could barely lift them. Of course, he was aware that he had been in a coma for weeks that that he had suffered multiple fractures in his arms. But never mind that those injuries had healed.

Troy was a man who could once bench almost 1.5 times his weight and easily curl almost 100lbs!

And now he could barely lift a tiny hand weight.

Nor could Troy sit up on his own. Because of his bulky frame--- most of his muscle had turned to flab which, to the once-vain young man, was a great source of depression--- it took 2 therapists to position him upright at the edge of the hospital bed. And even then, Troy relied on their assistance to maintain his position. He was more stunned than angry that his brain was somehow not connecting with his nerves as he flopped backwards whenever the therapists challenged his sitting balance and trunk control.

Transferring out of bed proved problematic and embarrassing at this time, as well. Because the spinal cord injury had paralyzed his legs and made them flaccid, and impaired his postural control, Troy could not stand even with total assistance. As a result, the nursing staff needed to use a mechanical lift to transfer him in and out of bed. Strangely, the young man almost burst out laughing the first time a nursing aide insert a sling underneath him as he lay, then used the lift machine to transport him into a wheelchair with a reclining high-back and elevating leg-rests.

It was comical!

Troy immediately burst into tears after the nursing staff left.

The worst thing for Troy was relying on caregivers to complete even the simplest self-care tasks. Putting on his clothing. Bathing.

Most humiliating, however, was when he had to move his bowels. Because of his non-ambulatory status, Troy was connected to a catheter, so urination wasn't much of an issue. But it was whenever he needed to have a bowel movement that Troy felt at his lowest. A nursing assistant would have to roll him onto his side while a 2^nd one inserted a bedpan beneath him. And that was assuming that he could feel the urge to defecate.

Because his nerves were damaged, Troy often soiled himself without realizing it.

There was nothing more dehumanizing than discovering that he was laying in his own excrement.

Troy felt hopeless; he wanted to die.

The only constant in his life, as usual, and the only reason the young man continued to endure was Anika. She was there at his side almost every waking moment. She had helped to feed him when he still couldn't use his upper extremities, and was ever ready to assist during his nursing needs and therapy sessions.

In fact, Troy's wife was present so often that the therapy staff soon began training her on how to assist her husband with activities of daily living.

The physical therapists showed Anika the proper exercises for her husband as well as therapeutic interventions to enhance his postural control as he sat at the edge of the bed.

The occupational therapists taught Anika how to roll Troy in bed to clean and dress his lower body, all while emphasizing her own body mechanics.

After several weeks of rehabilitation, Troy was finally able to sit up under his own power and, though it took a great deal of effort, the therapists were able to transfer him from the edge of the bed and into a wheelchair with what they called a "squat-pivot" technique.

Not long after that, the therapists taught the transfer technique to Anika. She was proved to be an attentive trainee, and soaked the training up like a sponge. Not once did she complain.

But during his long hospitalization, Troy could easily see the change in his wife. Anika's positivity never wavered and her devotion to him hadn't lessened since the accident. But there were dark circles appearing around her eyes, and her skin was becoming pale and losing its healthy tan.

Anika was slowly but progressively appearing haggard; even worse, she was visibly losing weight and appearing less healthy to Troy.

Anika was still taking time off work, and was at the hospital every day from sunup to sundown. The only time she wasn't with Troy was when she took a break to go home and sleep or shower, or if family or Ben was present to take her place. She would not leave her husband alone; she was simply that concerned and dedicated.

Troy felt as if exhaustion from looking after him was slowly killing his wife, but Anika would not leave him for more than a few hours no matter how much he pleaded.

That made him loathe his existence even more.

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Troy had been at the hospital for so long that he had lost track of time. Days were merging into each other, it felt like time moved differently here than in the outside world. He didn't bother to look at the clock as he stared out the window. It was still early.

It must've still been very early if Anika wasn't here yet.

A nurse suddenly entered his room unannounced. She was tall and extremely pretty. The nurse appeared fairly young, and Troy suspected that she must've only recently graduated from nursing school. Most notably to Troy, however, was that she was Asian.

The nurse was precisely the type of female whom Troy was attracted to.

He openly ogled her and tried to flirt with her.

The nurse was polite but only gave a perfunctory smile as she dispensed her patient his medications, took vitals, and asked several health-related questions.

Then she was gone as quickly as she had appeared.

The woman was precisely the type of female who once would've flirted back with Troy.

Then he remembered the 2 Asian girls outside the girls outside the gym.

The young man sighed as a numbing despair washed over him.

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Anika was late, and she didn't like to be late.

It was almost 7:30am, and she profusely hoped that she hadn't missed her husband's breakfast. Anika knew how embarrassed and depressed Troy was over the fact that he still had difficulty feeding himself. And while hospital staff was always available, Anika felt the need to be there for him.

It was love, not duty, that made her rush to his room.

The pretty young blonde was almost there when she heard a familiar voice call her name.

"Anika!"

She turned around and saw Ben, who must've come up behind her in another elevator.

Ben came over to her and gave her a hug. Her husband's best friend--- who had become one of her dearest friends, as well--- was similar to Troy in the sense that he was tall, athletic, and extremely handsome. But whereas Troy was built like a square cinder block before the accident and exuded a sense of strength and power, Ben was lean and wiry, but muscular in a nimble sense. His short brown hair was neatly combed and his hazel eyes twinkled with a boyish charm.

"Ben." Anika immediately felt a profound sense of comfort as she hugged her friend back. "What are you doing here?"

The young man smiled. "Sorry to stop by unannounced. I figured that I'd swing by on my way to work to check in."

It was only then that Anika noticed that Ben was dressed in a suit and tie. "Troy will really appreciate that. Thank you."

"Of course. He is my best friend, after all." The young man paused. "And how are you holding up?" There was an audible catch in his voice that they both chose to ignore.

Anika sighed. "Ok."

"Are you sure? Because that didn't sound convincing."

She chuckled, but a moment later she was fighting back tears. "I just feel so horrible for Troy. He's so depressed, and I don't know what to do, what to say to him."

"You're already doing everything that you possibly can, Anika. You're constantly at Troy's side, and he knows that you love him. That's what he needs most right now."

"I know... it's just that... there aren't enough hours in the day, you know? I want to be here, but driving back and forth constantly has worn me out. And then there's more training that I need to complete with nursing and therapy. Plus, the discharge planner is anticipating that Troy might be able to go home next week."

"That's great!"

"It is. Troy and I are excited, but we're also terrified. We don't want to stay here at the hospital any longer than we need to, but there are medical professionals around Troy constantly and that gives him a sense of security. I can't even imagine how things will be like once he comes home. Everything is still a learning process for us, you know? And now I have to get the house ready for the hospital bed and medical equipment that's going to be delivered, AND I also make sure that the house will be wheelchair accessible. There's so much still to do." Anika sighed. "I'm sorry, I must sound like such a bitch. I'm just really exhausted. But I shouldn't complain. I'm not the one who's paralyzed from the waist down."

"Anika, you're human. You can only do so much with the time and energy you have."

The woman began to choke up. "I feel like I'm not doing enough."

"Listen to me. Tomorrow after I finish work, I'll come over to your house. We can figure out together what we need to rearrange so Troy can get around in his wheelchair."

"Ben, you don't have to do that! I can get help from family."

The man feigned insult. "Are you saying that you don't consider me family?"

Anika regarded her friend with genuine gratitude. "Thank you, Ben. Not just for tomorrow. For being a true friend. But especially for coming to the hospital so often to visit Troy."

"Of course, Anika."

The woman hesitated. "I also never thanked you for being there for me right after Troy's accident. That was such a hard time... when I didn't know if he was going to make it. And then when we discovered that he's never going to able to walk again... I was so scared and overwhelmed. I don't know how I would've gotten through without your support."

"I am always here for you if you need anything," Ben replied quietly. "Always."

The pair hugged again, but this time it lasted slightly longer than what should've been appropriate between friends.

Anika smiled and nodded, and turned to head toward Troy's room.

Ben followed without comment, trailing his paralyzed best friend's wife whom he was hopelessly in love with.

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After almost 2 months of hospitalization and rehabilitation, the day for Troy to discharge home finally arrived.

It was a bittersweet moment for him and his wife.

Two months had also given Troy a sense of familiarity with his environment and expectations, and he had derived comfort from his daily routine.

Having doctors, nurses, and therapists around constantly was also a security blanket.

But Troy hated being in the hospital.

The medical personnel had saved his life and nurtured him back to health, of course, but he was constantly being poked and prodded to the point where he could barely sleep at night. And there was so much downtime! Boredom threatened to drive him insane, especially since he could not move his lower half on his own volition.

Worst of all, however, was being around other patients.

Troy was young, and had been healthy for his entire life; it was with admitted ego that he once considered himself in better physical shape than anyone he knew, save perhaps his wife. And to observe other people who were broken and battered as he was... some with physical injuries like him, others who were horrifically withering away from insidious diseases... was discouraging. One might assume that sharing the experience with fellow patients might be inspirational and therapeutic, but to Troy it just added to his depression.

He still couldn't believe that he would never walk again; he didn't think he'd ever come to terms with that.

He constantly stared at his shrunken legs and tried to move them... willed them to move... begged them to move... but they always removed where they were.

But his physical handicap paled in comparison to that burden that he had unwittingly forced upon his wife.

Until he regained more function and learned how to fully compensate for his paralysis, Anika would act as his full-time caregiver. Seeing how the nursing assistants expended so much energy just to reposition him in bed was mortifying, and he didn't want his beloved wife to have that type of responsibility on a daily basis. She had so much positivity once in her life, had so many friends and was a social butterfly, that Troy couldn't bear to be a severe burden.

Anika desperately wanted children someday, and the spinal cord injury also took away his ability to procreate.

Troy held onto hope that a miracle would happen someday.

That he would be able to give his wife what she longed for: a family.

That he would suddenly regain function in his legs and be able to walk out of the hospital under his own power.

But the young man required a medical van for transport as Anika could not safely transfer him into their vehicle.

And after several months of recuperation, Troy finally arrived home with his family and friends surprising him with a hero's welcome.

A new powerchair waited for him, too.

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The medical professionals who had cared for him for months were all gone, and suddenly he was home with just Anika.

His family and friends checked in frequently, of course. And if Ben wasn't visiting, then he was dropping food off for him and Anika, or graciously running errands for them, to which the couple was extremely grateful. But when everyone left, it was only Anika who remained, and Anika who had to take care of his daily needs, like transferring him in and out of bed, bathing, and dressing.

Troy's depression deepened in his own home.

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Troy turned his head to regard his wife. Anika somehow looked even more beautiful as she slept peacefully, and for a moment Troy was happy. He wanted to reach out and touch her, caress her face and move the strand of hair that had fallen over her pretty face. They still slept next to each other every night, and displayed affection for each other with hugs and kisses like all couples who loved each other.

However, they hadn't been intimate since before the accident; and they could no longer be intimate in the way that Troy wanted since the spinal cord injury had impacted his ability to achieve an erection.

He longed to be a lover to his beautiful wife again.

He wanted his previous life back.

But more than anything, he wanted Anika to be happy.

Troy wanted to reach out and touch Anika, but dared not disturb her. She was doing so much for him that the least he could do was let her sleep. So he simply stared at her longingly.

But Troy cursed silently when Anika began to stir.

"Troy... what's wrong?" Her voice was filled with concern even though she was barely awake. "Is everything ok?"

"Yes, Ani. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

"No worries. Are you ok? Did you have a bowel movement?"

His wife's devotion touched him deeply and made him feel unworthy at the same time. "No, I'm fine. I... I was just looking at you, that's all."

Anika was fully awake when she rolled to face him. At first, Troy feared that she'd be annoyed at being woken, but she gave him a bemused look. "Oh really?"

"Yes, really. You somehow look even more beautiful when you're asleep." His wife blushed, and it made his heart ache. "Ani?"

"Yes, Troy?"

"I'm sorry."

"About what?"

"About the accident. About not being able to walk and needing you to take care of me. About everything."

"Silly boy, you don't need to apologize for anything. You're finally recovered and healthy, and that's all that matters. I know being home hasn't been easy, but it's only been a week. Once we establish a routine, everything will a piece of cake."

The couple fell silent.

"Ani, what do you think things will be like for us a month from now? A year from now? Never mind in 5 or 10 years."

The young woman looked at her husband. "I don't know," she responded slowly. "We just need to take things one day at a time. Why are you asking me these questions?"

Troy hesitated as he tried to articulate his feelings. "Everything is different now. All of our hopes and dreams... our plans. Our future is---"

"--- still the same as it's always been," Anika interjected. Her expression became hard. "I don't think I like where this conversation is heading."

"You're such a wonderful human being, Ani. You deserve the best life has to offer. And you've always wanted children. I can't give you any of that now."

Anika immediately hugged her husband. "I already have the best life has to offer. I have you! Whatever the future holds for us, we'll deal with it. We have no other choice."

Troy was grateful that the accident hadn't taken away the ability to use his arms, too, because he was immensely grateful that he could hold his wife close as they cried.

They talked for another hour before Anika eventually fell asleep on her husband's chest.

But Troy could not sleep as the nightmare that he was living in kept him awake.

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Anika had profusely hoped that her husband's demeanor would improve in the months the followed, but it only seemed to worsen. When he wasn't sullen and depressed, he was lashing out at her. The breaking point came when Troy experienced another episode of incontinence while seated in his powerchair.

"Just leave me alone, Ani."

"I am not going to let you just sit there. We need to transfer you back to bed so we can get you cleaned up."

"I don't want to get cleaned."

His wife was nearing caregiver burnout, and she was doing all she could not to yell. "Troy," she began patiently, "you cannot sit there in your own mess. It's not healthy. The doctor said it can cause complications like infections and skin breakdown, remember? Please let me transfer you back to bed, and help you get cleaned up and changed."

Troy looked at her helplessly. "Aren't you getting tired of this?"

"Tired of what?" Anika demanded.

But rather than answer, the young man began shaking in rage and cursing. "I hate this! I wish you would just leave me alone!"

"Hey, give me some credit!" Anika's exploded. She was so full of vehemence that Troy actually shrank back in his powerchair. "This hasn't been easy for me, either! Do you think I enjoy seeing you like this? Do you not think that I don't know how angry and frustrated you are?" The young blonde paused and took a deep breath to calm herself. Her voice was much quieter when she continued, but there was palpable force behind her words. "I'm trying my best, Troy, to tend to your needs and be here for you. If you don't appreciate it, fine. But the least you can do is put forth some effort and not make things worse."

Troy felt childish and horrible. "I do appreciate you, Ani! It's just that---"

Anika wasn't in the mood for discussion and cut him off. "Then let me transfer you back to bed and get you cleaned up," she snapped.